All Forums > SimLeague Baseball > SimLeague Baseball > The Last Temptation of the Boston Red Sox addendum
10/20/2013 5:35 AM (edited)
Harry Frazee( in Hell, seated next to Dives): "So, we have a deal? You are sure this will work?"

Babe Ruth,(shouting down from Heaven) "Don't do it Harry ! You will wreck everything !"

Satan, "It will work just as we have agreed. Nothing will be the same after this goes into effect."

Frazee, "So, it will be like that episode of 'Buffy' where Cordelia makes a wish that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale? That was kind of scary actually. I liked that musical episode a lot more. Or like that spell at the start of 'Once Upon a Time'? The wicked witch Regina wants to just win for a change? That's how we feel. It's been 86 years after all."

Satan, "Um, yeah, something like those (note to myself: what happened to the order to only allow Fox News to be broadcast down here?)

Babe Ruth, (shouting down from Heaven): "But everything is as it should be NOW! All the work I have done for all these years, it will all be wrecked. New York will be just another city, Boston will be just another city. Their ball clubs, they will be like other ball clubs. Worse really because everyone will start to pay attention to how much more money they have than other clubs. Right now New York has a storied history, a part of the legend of America. When I came to NY they hadn't won diddley-squat. And the city was one great city like others. After I got there, New York took over from London as the capital of the world. Do this, and mark my words, Shanghai or someplace like that will take over. New York will be a has-been capital, and America will go back to being just another country. Nothing special. The Chinese will become the hegemonic power in the world. You really want that?"

Frazee, "Babe, what are you taking courses up there? Since when do you use big words like "hegemonic"? 

Babe Ruth: "I read 'Adam Smith in Beijing" by Giovanni Arrighi. We got a lot of time to kill up here. Dante was right, it is kind of boring up here. All the interesting people ended up where you are. Who the heck reads through all three parts of the Divine Comedy anyway?

Frazee: "The Divine Comedy ! It would make a great musical - Satan, any chance of getting funds to produce that?"

Satan, "Not a chance. Besides I gave Dan Brown dibs on the next big Dante thing."

Frazee, "Okay, we digress. Back to the main point. Babe, you have a point about America blah blah and New York. Sure, THEY are happy with all those championships. But what about BOSTON ! We haven't ever won a thing since I traded you for $100,000 bucks. Think of the suffering of Boston fans ! And what about me? You think I like being mentioned in the same breath as Bucky Dent? Or Sparky Lyle for you-know-who's-sake?"

Satan, "Watch it Harry."

Babe Ruth "But you don't understand. Boston is SPECIAL because of this. EVERY game played in Fenway has MEANING. The city has an identity. Before I left, it was just an intellectual center. What about the working class? They needed something to identify with. A team that exemplified their exploitation, their suffering, their frustrations, their capacity for great love, and joy, and community. All of New England stands together because of the Red Sox, and now, at last, after all these years since they shot JFK - who says to say hi by the way - and that Marilyn, what a dish ! - what was I saying? Oh yeah, - we are on the verge of taking back the country from those idiot confederates in new clothing that want to wreck the country." 

Satan "Yes, that is where our deal has some use for me, otherwise why would I want to make such an agreement? Babe has a point though, I haven't had a delightful baseball deal since I made that agreement with Walter O'Malley."

Frazee, "So let me get this straight - one more time - WE get to win the World Series in October. This time. At last. After which, we get what we have always wanted: to just be a normal team. Exactly like all the others. We get to win sometimes, to win the World Series. No more 1978s, 1986s, and even if things like that happened, they won't mean unbearable suffering of the soul anymore. Just a loss, and we come back next year."

Satan, "Yes, things like that, winning the World Series, losing the World Series, these will have no more meaning than a game between Arizona and Tampa Bay. No one will care anymore."

Frazee, "Finally, a normal life, with a wife and kids and a white picket fence"

Satan, "You are thinking of that Scorsese film about you-know-who with Willem Dafoe. I didn't care for that one, especially the ending."

Frazee, "And in exchange, in November, that Bush character will beat Kerry, who was otherwise destined to win. But why would you want that?"

Satan, "That is my business."

Babe Ruth, "Because it will be a disaster. Granted Kerry is as boring as paint drying. But he is  a war hero, an anti-war hero, he has a brain, and he will wind down the war in Iraq, change the culture to be more intelligent instead of that Texan ex-alcoholic, and might even be persuaded to regulate banks before it is too late."

Frazee, "Too late for what? What's the worst that could happen. You talk as if an election like this could matter - what do you expect to happen if Bush wins? That we would nearly lose a war to a country like Iraq? That the whole economy would crash like the 30s? That waters would rise and flood America's cities ? C'mon Babe, get real."

Satan, "So, we have a deal then?" 

Frazee, "We have a deal. I hope that in ten years, even if the Red Sox play our old nemesis in the Series, the Cardinals, no one will really care, because the destiny of Boston will not ride on the outcome, since the deal includes sweeping them after we have this 'miraculous' comeback against the Yankees. Ha! Can't wait to see the look on their faces."

Satan, "Nor I the look on the faces of Red Sox fans when they realize that winning the Series in ten years' time will just be another World Series victory, and losing it won't carry ANY cosmic or universal meaning of any kind. The Red Sox will become just another team like all the others. It will be the Last Temptation of the Boston Red Sox." 

Lacky of Satan, "Sir, excuse me."


Satan: "What is it?"

Lacky,"George Steinbrenner on the phone sir."

Satan, "Be right there." (smiles knowingly). "Send a message to Mr. Cheney that we have our deal."




10/22/2013 9:15 PM
Okay, now animate it in Flash.
10/22/2013 10:36 PM
I think in the next scene, Satan should tap Cheney on the shoulder, Cheney whips around, and accidentally shoots Satan.
Of course, from there, its anyone's bet what Satan does.  Maybe he makes him the Admin of a SIM. 
10/23/2013 2:28 AM
That's a really good suggestion radlynch ! 


eastvanmungo - I am getting old and don't know what your comment really means. 
10/24/2013 3:12 AM (edited)
Because I am old too, Italyprof, I think he wants you to rush an animated version ; )
10/23/2013 3:53 PM (edited)

Babe is pacing around his room…fuming…the steam coming out of his ears matched by the endless stream of cigar smoke as he puffs furiously on a Cuban stogie.  Without warning, St Peter materializes next to Babe, carrying a dusty chest labeled “Ruth, G. H.”

{St Peter} Babe, what were you doing just now?  You know very well we sent Frazee down there undercover.

{Babe} But he’s making a mistake.

{St Peter} He’s doing no such thing.  The Boss sent him on a mission.

{Babe} Steinbrenner sent him?!?!

{St Peter} Not Steinbrenner, you oaf.  THE BOSS.  The Big Guy himself.  And he wants to see you.  Now.

St Peter opens the chest, revealing dozens of dusty scrolls of parchment.  He picks out one, which is labeled “Sins, venial, Jan-Mar 1923.”  The parchment is covered with an extensive list of illicit and lecherous acts.  St Peter gestures to the scroll.

{St Peter}  Before you see him, remember something Babe.  We overlooked a lot of – ahem – transgressions to get you in here.  Time lasts forever up here.  We can always revisit that decision.

Five minutes later, Babe is standing in The Boss’s office.  God is making notes on a wall map of the world.  His long flowing robes are entirely white, except for a conspicuous red 9 on the back.

{God} Ah, George, so good to see you.  Please, sit down.  Now what’s this I hear about you pestering Frazee again?

{Babe} He’s messing everything up.

{God} No, my son.  He’s doing exactly as I asked.  See this plan has been in the works for years.

{Babe} Really?  That SOB is working with us now?

{God} Watch your language George.  Peter is running out of room for parchments in your chest.  Frazee has always been with us.  He’s a bit of a bumbling fool, but he’s not evil.

{Babe} But what about the curse of the bamb…uh…the curse of me?

{God} That heretic Shaughnessy came up with that to sell books.  Don’t worry, his time will come.  There was no curse George.  There was a deal.  A sad one, but a necessary one.  See, you remember 1918, don’t you?

{Babe, with chest proudly puffed out} Of course, I helped Boston win their 5th world title.

{God} Yes, that’s all nice, but there was the tiny matter of The Great War.  It had been raging for 4 years in Europe, the US had just gotten involved in 1917, and that doofus Wilson was about to make things much worse.  I sent Debs to straighten this out, but as often happens in times of war, they jail the only people who make sense.  So things were getting ugly. 

I called our friend down below, and oh was he ever beside himself with glee.  But his greatest weakness is his pride, and that’s where I knew I had him.  You know he’s a huge Yankees fan right?

{Babe} He is?

{God} Of course.  Inside joke, but it was he who insisted on naming that musical “Damn Yankees.”  But I digress.  You might remember that until 1918, the Yankees were, well, let’s just say pretty terrible.  So I offered Satan a deal.  I’d have Frazee send you to New York, along with every other stitch of talent the Red Sox had.  The Yankees would turn into a powerhouse and would win dozens of world series.  This piqued his interest, but you know what a sadist he is, so I had to sweeten the deal.  Not only would his beloved Yankees win, but the Red Sox he loathed so much would lose.  Sometimes they’d just be terrible, sometimes they would come ever so close, tantalizingly close, but lose.  Their fans and players would be heartbroken.  The schadenfreude of it all is what tipped the scales.  In return, well, we got just about everything.  We got the end of the war.  We got Roosevelt, Truman, and Johnson.  The New Deal, The Great Society.  Basically everything I’ve been talking about for 2 millenia.  We got it all done in a couple of decades, and all I had to sacrifice was the happiness of the Red Sox and their fans.  Sacrifice, George.  That’s what it was.  Like a deftly executed bunt.

{Babe} No curse?

{God} No curse George.  Of course, that fellow Yawkey almost made me glad I did it after his atrocious behavior toward African Americans.  But the team was already suffering.  No need to make it worse.  Which brings us to today.  You see, Satan has been licking his wounds ever since, and oh how he loves this Bush fellow.  Cheney too, and Rumsfeld, the whole lot.  They’re all golfing buddies.  Satan’s got a vicious slice though, too stubborn to take lessons, so he always ends up buying the drinks on the 19th hole.  Boy can that Bush fellow put ‘em away.  But again I digress. 

So, Bush loses the election in 2000, but Satan has his minion Scalia overturn that.  Still he knew he was going to lose this year.  And I saw a chance to undo the Red Sox’ pain.  I sent Frazee down there to tell Satan he could have the election.  Kerry’s a good guy, but I have other plans for him, got some work for him to do in the middle east.  And I’ve got another fellow waiting to take the White House in ’08.  Cubs fan.  You’ll like him. 

Another bunt George.  And in return, I’ve got the Red Sox out of their bargain.  Now they’ll win it all this year, and in a way that will just torment Satan and his ilk. And they’ll win again from time to time, just like anyone else.  No more torture.  Just another baseball team.  Albeit my favorite one.

{Babe} Gosh, you’ve thought of everything, haven’t you.

{God} That’s my job George.  Oh, and speaking of that, one more thing.  I need you to do something for me. 

{Babe} Anything God, what is it?

{God} How’s your swing these days?

Babe assumes his stance and takes a mighty cut, driving an imaginary ball deep in the right field bleachers.

{God} Perfect.  I need you to work with this young fellow on Boston.  Name of Ortiz.  He’s going to be a big part of my plan.

10/23/2013 7:46 PM
Oh, contrarian23, you may win this round. But I read Milton (and Blake however) so be forewarned. But I admit this was good. Nice touch throwing in Debs. Damn Yankees and the rest was clever as well. If God had really known how to strike a bargain Debs would have won in 1912 of course. Now for THAT I might have been willing to trade you back Sparky Lyle too. 
10/23/2013 10:20 PM
Good posts Italyprof and Contrairian23.....who pens the sequel?
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10/28/2013 7:23 AM
Well, I have to admit that end to game 3 was more like an old time Boston Red Sox postseason game (pre-satanic deal 2004) ! I mean to lose AFTER throwing the winning run out at home plate, because the catcher then throws the ball away AND, even then after having a shot at throwing the runner from third out at the plate to lose on an obstruction call. THAT is the Red Sox we all knew and loved (WE apparently being Yankees fans of course :-)). 
10/28/2013 10:36 AM
Posted by italyprof on 10/28/2013 7:23:00 AM (view original):
Well, I have to admit that end to game 3 was more like an old time Boston Red Sox postseason game (pre-satanic deal 2004) ! I mean to lose AFTER throwing the winning run out at home plate, because the catcher then throws the ball away AND, even then after having a shot at throwing the runner from third out at the plate to lose on an obstruction call. THAT is the Red Sox we all knew and loved (WE apparently being Yankees fans of course :-)). 
And then game 4 ends in a crazy way with a pickoff at first base with the tying run at the plate. I'm starting to wonder if what y'all are writing hasn't set something in motion...
10/28/2013 6:31 PM
Game 5 must lead to the implosion of the universe!
10/29/2013 8:35 AM
Maybe game 6 (I mean it's - game six !). 

2004 already produced this: 

 

which those of you who read Dante know is actually quite normal, as Satan stands frozen, with his three heads chewing three traitors: Judas in the center, and on the left and right Walt O'Malley and Horace Stoneham. 

But I digress. If hell freezing over happened then, the implosion of the universe in a game 6 is always possible. Though I suppose some would argue that IT also already happened when: 

 


or even when: 









10/29/2013 9:56 AM
Could be the first time Boston wins a World Series at Fenway since 1918...gotta be game 6.
10/31/2013 1:07 AM
And on the 6th (game)day God made the water dirty. And He saw that it was good.

And on the 7th (game)day, He rested.
All Forums > SimLeague Baseball > SimLeague Baseball > The Last Temptation of the Boston Red Sox addendum

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