1/16/2012 1:53 PM
The Agony of Dyslexia
 
 
After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
1/16/2012 2:14 PM
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
1/16/2012 2:16 PM
One more;

At a recent wedding party a blissful new wife wanted to thank all that attended the wedding.

She stands proudly at the podium, gently taps her glass and asks everyone to please stand next to the one that has made thier life worth living.

The bartender was nearly crushed.
1/16/2012 2:24 PM
Posted by cydrych on 1/16/2012 2:14:00 PM (view original):
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
1/16/2012 2:42 PM
Posted by quietman on 1/16/2012 2:16:00 PM (view original):
One more;

At a recent wedding party a blissful new wife wanted to thank all that attended the wedding.

She stands proudly at the podium, gently taps her glass and asks everyone to please stand next to the one that has made thier life worth living.

The bartender was nearly crushed.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
1/16/2012 2:57 PM
Two rednecks walk into a restaurant and sit next to a table full of nice elderly ladies. One of the nice elderly ladies starts choking on a fish bone. Her face begins turning purple, and other people in the restaurant are trying to pat her on the back to force up the bone but to no avail. The two rednecks exchange a glance. One stands up and lets down his overalls. The other redneck starts licking the butt of the first redneck. When the choking elderly lady sees what the two rednecks are doing, she is so utterly horrified that she immediately vomits everything she has eaten - but starts breathing again. Once the rednecks see that the elderly woman is going to be okay, the one puts his overalls back on. They sit back down and resume eating. "See," says one redneck to the other, "I done told you that Hind-Lick Maneuver would fix up someone who's choking."
1/16/2012 4:31 PM
Warning: "Pun"ishment to follow....
     Doctor has thriving practice. It's SO busy he "has" to go on vacation. 
So he creates a clone of himself to take care of the office.
2 weeks later he returns and speaks to the nurse who says"Doctor , it's horrible. The clone is cursing at Everyone; your colleagues, your suppliers your patients. You may lose your practice. 
 Doc gets into it with the clone; beats him up and throws him out the window where he lands - "splat" at a cop's feet. 
The cop runs upstairs and arrests the doctor   -----   for "Making An Obscene Clone Fall"  !   
1/16/2012 7:39 PM
I know it's past Christmas, but the next time you have a White Elephant or a gift exchange.....

Go to Starbucks (or any other place) and grab a gift card, but leave it blank (without money on it). Then watch people fight over it because it's one of the better gifts. Then a few days later you get to hear the story about how they took the card to Starbucks, ordered something and then found out there was nothing on the card when they tried to pay..

I didn't hear back last year from a friend so asked about the Starbucks card. They said they used it, but could tell he was lying. Told him what I had done. Apparently he had re-gifted the card to someone else.... Ooops.

1/16/2012 9:09 PM
Posted by 2chair on 1/16/2012 2:57:00 PM (view original):
Two rednecks walk into a restaurant and sit next to a table full of nice elderly ladies. One of the nice elderly ladies starts choking on a fish bone. Her face begins turning purple, and other people in the restaurant are trying to pat her on the back to force up the bone but to no avail. The two rednecks exchange a glance. One stands up and lets down his overalls. The other redneck starts licking the butt of the first redneck. When the choking elderly lady sees what the two rednecks are doing, she is so utterly horrified that she immediately vomits everything she has eaten - but starts breathing again. Once the rednecks see that the elderly woman is going to be okay, the one puts his overalls back on. They sit back down and resume eating. "See," says one redneck to the other, "I done told you that Hind-Lick Maneuver would fix up someone who's choking."
Not a highjacker but had to send this one to a friend @ Product Development US FOODS.
1/17/2012 12:58 AM
Three guys standing on the first tee when a gorgeous woman walks up and asks if she can join them to make up there fourth for the round.  They agree and tee off.  On the 8th hole she is just in an awful spot on the green some 50 feet away with dips and curves all the way to the hole.  She says, "anybody that can line me up to the hole and it goes in I'll have sex with them."  The first guy gets behind the hole, does his best read and says,  "12 inches left of the hole.".  The second guy gets behind the hole and says " no no. 8 inches right of the hole".  The 3rd guy goes behind the hole, looks, then gets behind her and looks again and says," oh hell, that's a gimme."
1/17/2012 8:24 AM
Hahaha.... Anyone else?
1/17/2012 1:43 PM
A man and his wife go out golfing together.  The man tees off, but hadn't realized his wife had already walked up to the ladies tee when he swung.  His tee shot ended up hitting her square in the head killing her instantly.  An autopsy was done and the husband was told that she died from the blow to the head, but they also found a golf ball logded up her arse.  He responded, "oh, that was my mulligan."
1/17/2012 2:20 PM
It's all perception.

One summer day I was driving on a very narrow road out in the country and as I approached a blind curve a woman came speeding around the corner we swerved and managed to miss one another but she still screamed PIG out of her window!

As i went around the curve I stuck my head out to scream something back at her for being so rude when my car hit a pig.
1/17/2012 2:31 PM
One fine morning Sister Mary was walking down the hall and she saw Sister Maria and said "Good Morning" Sister Maria put her head down and said "It looks like you got out on the wrong side of the bed Sister Mary".

Puzzled Sister Mary went to the kitchen to grab a bit of bread and tea and said "Good Morning Cook" The cook snorted at her and said "looks like someone got out on the wrong side of the bed this mornin." before walking away. Feeling even more puzzled and a bit miffed Sister Mary decided to take a walk outside.

Going down the sidewalk she ran into Mister O'Hara the mailman and before she could utter a word he chirpped quite cheerfuly "Mornin' to you Sister Mary it looks like you got outta the wrong side o'the bed this mornin." Quite flustered now Sister Mary said "Mr O'Hara you are the 3rd person to say that to me today but I feel fine whatever are you talking about!"

  Mr. O'Hara just grinned even bigger and quipped "Well it's just that you got Father Murphys shoes on again."
1/17/2012 4:39 PM
Q.  What's long and hard on Kentucky boys?
A.  The second grade.

I was once arrested for smuggling books into Kentucky.  I got off on a technicality.  No one could prove they were books.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?  Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush.

Q.  What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead Kentucky fan in the road?
A.  There are skid marks before the snake.
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