1/19/2012 2:56 PM
None of us will match quietman's description of his attempt to be the feature performer in "Jackass 4." Seriously, quietman, could you PLEASE make sure that several video cameras are recording the event whenever you test a new product? Do you realize how famous you would be if you could put a video of that taser test on YouTube? Or maybe you should go on Mythbusters and volunteer to do a demonstration dispelling any myths about tasers.

Here's another joke which I hope gets a laugh.

An Irishman walks into a New York City bar one Friday night. He is alone but orders three beers. The bartender wonders why he should bring one man three beers at a time, but the Irishman is polite and makes no trouble. He begins returning every Friday and is always alone but always orders three beers. After a few weeks, the bartender brings the beers and says "I am happy to do it, but I am curious. Why three beers at once?" The Irishman replies that he has just moved from Ireland. Back at home, he and his two brothers would go out for a beer every Friday night. He misses Ireland terribly, and ordering three beers makes him feel like he is with his brothers every Friday night. Naturally, everyone thinks the Irishman is a great guy, and he becomes quite popular at this bar. A few months later, the Irishman walks into the bar and only orders two beers. The bar immediately became deathly quiet. As he gently placed two beers on the bar, the bartender said "I hope nothing has happened to either of your brothers."

"Oh, they've never been better," replied the Irishman. "But I told my wife I would quit drinking for Lent."
2/2/2012 11:25 PM
Thought I'd resurrect this to see if the newbys have any good ones.

Cowboy rides into town and stops in front of the saloon and hitches his horse to the rail.  He then goes behind the horse, lifts its' tail, and kisses it right on the bung.  He then proceeds into the bar and orders a beer.  The Barkeep gets his beer and then strikes up a conversation.  He says to the cowboy, "did I just see you walk behind your horse and kiss it right on the bung?"  Cowboy says "yup".  Barkeep, "Why on earth did you do that? You can't possibly like that horse that much."  The cowboy says "Yup. you saw what you saw but it ain't a matter of liking the horse.  I got chapped lips and it keeps me from licking them."
2/2/2012 11:30 PM

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

grindi, you made me gag lol. Glad you brought this bak, I was thinking about doing it as well.



2/2/2012 11:35 PM
A little off color and crude but a head shaker.

Do you know why women parachutists wear Tampons when they jump?  So the don't whistle on the way down.
2/2/2012 11:37 PM
Posted by caesari on 2/2/2012 11:30:00 PM (view original):

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

grindi, you made me gag lol. Glad you brought this bak, I was thinking about doing it as well.



My family always told that one as a Norwegian joke. Quite personally it's one of my favorites.
2/2/2012 11:39 PM
Norwegian? Are you European? My mom was something like 1/8 Scandenavian, so we just might be relatives 
2/2/2012 11:42 PM
Yeah. My grandmother on my dad's side is 100% Norwegian, but most of my other family is German, so I'm about a quarter Norwegian, mostly German with some Irish, and French mixed in.
2/2/2012 11:46 PM
Did you hear about the Aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus. 
            He burned his lip on the tailpipe.

Very cool mb. I love that region.


So here is an Aggie joke (grew up in Texas, you know how that gets....)



2/2/2012 11:50 PM
Coming from skilled trades in a factory I loved this one.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain said to the other parts of the body, Since I control everything and do all the thinking, therefore I should be boss!
And the feet said, Since I carry Man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, so I should be boss!
And the hands said, Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss instead!
And the eyes said, Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, surely I should be boss!
And so were the mouth, the lungs and the heart arguing over who should be the boss and finally the a$$hole spoke up and demanded that he should be made boss. All of the other parts broke out in laughter at the idea of an a$$hole being made boss. The a$$hole was very angry and felt so insulted that he decided to block himself off and refused to let anything come out of it.
Soon after several days, the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet became too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, the mouth couldn't eat anything, and the lungs and the heart struggled to keep going... Finally all of them pleaded with the brain to relent and let the a$$hole be boss over all the other parts.
And so it happened. All the other parts resumed their functions and the a$$hole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap...

The moral of the story is: You don't have to have a brain to be boss, just an a$$hole!
 

2/2/2012 11:52 PM
Any Canucks out there?  I remember them telling Newfie jokes when I was teaching up there.  They were a scream.
2/3/2012 12:18 AM
Posted by grindi on 2/2/2012 11:52:00 PM (view original):
Any Canucks out there?  I remember them telling Newfie jokes when I was teaching up there.  They were a scream.
Two Canadians walked into a bar in Sydney Australia. They took a table in the corner of the bar and ordered each a beer. Two Aussies were sitting at the bar and saw the two strangers drinking alone. One decided to go over and introduce himself and welcome the foreigners to Australia. He proceeds to do so while his friend stood at the bar at a distance and watched. His friend shortly returned back to the bar to finish his drink.

"Well" after a few minutes, he asks his buddy, "where are they from? Who are they"

The other guy responds, "I haven't a clue. When I asked them where they are from they said, "Saskatoon Saskatchewan"!! I'm afraid they don't speak a word of English".
2/3/2012 12:45 AM
 
Top Ten Country & Western Songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A
... Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My *** All Day.
2/3/2012 8:29 AM
Posted by glaity on 2/3/2012 12:45:00 AM (view original):
 
Top Ten Country & Western Songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A
... Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My *** All Day.
NICE
2/3/2012 9:53 AM
A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?
 
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
 
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed:
 
"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little guy on your lap."

2/3/2012 10:04 AM
  President Obama and his entourage were crossing the snow and entering the White House.  When they were startled that someone had  peed a message in the snow saying F.U.  Obama.  So the security team gets on it   and reports back to President Obama. 
   There's good news and bad news say the head of security. Give me good news first.  We did a urine analysis and it was Peyton Manning's urine. So what's the bad news asks the prez. -  It was Mrs. Obama's handwriting !
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