It's been a big day for breaking news.
There are unconfirmed rumors coming out of Oregon State Hospital that a mental patient named Julius Jesus, and who is suffering from a megalomaniac God Complex, has mounted a challenge to the authority of a tyrannical chief nurse. Mr. Jesus claims to have the assistance of a tall, broom wielding Native American who never speaks to anyone or reacts to anything around him. According to authorities at the Oregon State Hospital, Mr. Jesus' real name may be Rick Astley or Vanilla Ice. "His delusions are taking us places where mental health is not ready to go yet," said the doctor in charge of the facility, Dr. A.D.H. Disorder. "He came here a few months ago claiming to be a caesar salad with no anchovies. I happen to like caesar salads with no anchovies - hey, look! There's a squirrel! What were we talking about? Oh, right. One day he's a caesar salad, the next he claims to be Julius Caesar. The next day he might be - hey! The Eagles hired Chip Kelley! Those *********! What? Oh. Right, the next day he claims to be Fabio, and one time he even claimed to be an Italian soccer player. I can't believe the Eagles hired Kelley! Anyway, the patient spent that entire day rolling around on the floor pretending to be hurt. Of course, I did tell the guards to beat him with rubber hoses that day. I hate soccer - wait - I wasn't supposed to say that. I like soccer. What was the question?"
The chief nurse in question, Mildred Ratched, claims that the patient became livid when told that 1) he is not God, and 2) even if he were, even God needed to eat all his vegetables to get dessert. At that point, Mr. Jesus yelled at Nurse Ratched that "you can forget about having any success after the update" and called her an "Omahog." When asked about the name Julius Jesus, Nurse Ratched rolled her eyes. "He couldn't decide whether he was Julius Erving or Jesus Alou today. I probably shouldn't have called him 'The Joe Webb of Mental Patients.'"
Little is known about Mr. Jesus alleged ally. There are rumors that Mr. Jesus refers to this man as "The Chef" although he is more commonly referred to as "The Chief." Local law enforcement had an attitude that might be called "blase" at best and "laughing themselves silly" at worst. "Oh, please," said an anonymous source close to the local chief of police with knowledge of the situation. "I have been the chief of police - uh - don't quote me on that - for fifteen years. We planted The Chief in there about ten years ago as an undercover drug cop - uh - don't quote me on that either - uh - anyway, I promised the Chief a half dozen Krispy Kremes if he stuffed Julius Jesus in a basketball net. We are going to videotape the whole thing and put it on YouTube."