All Forums > Gridiron Dynasty Football > Gridiron Dynasty > Greatest GD Thread in the History of WIS GD
11/28/2013 10:58 AM (edited)

From ChairTrek 2 - The Wrath of Con(te)

{2chair sitting in Captain's special double wide chair on the bridge of
the starship. Bob Hazlewood is seated behind and to the right of
2chair and staring at a screen with swirling lines and blinking
lights. Behind and to the left of 2chair is Lt. Uhuru although she is
apparently wearing a wig and not as hot as you remembered her being.
In front of 2chair are citizenkane and harrisbw30; both are seated at
something which resembles a soundboard with lots of cool levers and
sound effects. citizenkane is surreptitiously watching The Birdcage.
We hear the voice of 2chair}

"Captain's Log Stardate 47receptions for 8 yards gained. I don't like
to lose. Yet this GD 3 game is obviously un-winnable! I ....keep .....
telling my QB.....{clenches fists}.... You've. Got. To. Throw. To.
The. Receiver!!! But he won't. I think I can finally score with Uhuru
if I can just win this game. I don't like to lose. Oh, and Arfy is no
help at all. He keeps complaining that something called 'The Warp
Drive doesn't work."

{2chair slaps a button on Captain's Doublewide Chair}

2chair: Arfy! I need - "

{woman's voice from speaker on chair} "if you want to talk to hot, sexy women -"

{2chair quickly presses several other buttons and says} Dammit
harrisbw30! I. Told. You. To. Take. That. Off. My. Speed. Dial."

harrisbw30 {with Russian accent}: "sorry kaptain. What about my wodka ration?"

2chair {ignoring harrisbw30 hits another button}: Arfy!

Arfy: Aye captain. We're working on the warp drive you skirt wearing
petal pusher.

2chair: Arfy! That's the worst Scottish accent I've ever heard.
{clenches fists} You've.Got. To. Go. To. Acting. Classes. {unclenches
fists}. And you're the one wearing a kilt. Have you cracked the code
for GD 3.0 yet?

Arfy: I can't change the laws of physics Captain! I'm giving ye all
I've got! We might make 80% power in an hour Captain!

{2chair disgustedly slams button to cut off Arfy} stuck in his bottle
of scotch again.

{bridge door opens and polabones enters. 2chair turns to see
polabones}. BBBBOOOOOONNNNNEEEESSSSS!
What. Will. We. Do. About. This. Crappy. Gaming. System?

polabones: Dammit 2chair! I'm a doctor! Not a computer geek! And you
need to let Arfy work on the warp drive! We're stuck in space while
you obsess over passing to a wide receiver!

2chair: BBBBBOOOOOONNNNNNEEEEESSSSS!!!!! Can. You. Fix. My. Gameplan?

polabones: Dammit 2chair! I'm a doctor not the new version of Guess
Reports where you can click on the ad banners or make donations! We
have got to go somewhere!

2chair {to citizenkane who quickly looks up from watching Birdcage}
Lay in a course for - PasstoJerryRice7.

{all turn to stare at 2chair}

citizenkane: But Captain - no ship can go there - The Prime Directive
expressly forbids it - that way brings only madness."

polabones {to Bob Hazlewood} Dammit BHaz! Do something! You might call
yourself a Vulcan, and you might have green blood, but you're half
human!!! You've got to do something!!!

BHaz: your tantrum is most illogical doctor. But I have been studying
this game engine. It appears to be an ancient code from 21st century
Earth.

2chair: Oh! Not. 21st Century. Earth!
BHaz: yes, they wrote computer code which was impenetrable even to Vulcan logic.

2chair: BBBBOOOOONNNNNEEEESSSS!! Can. We. Survive. A. Trip. To. PasstoJerryRice7?

polabones: Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not God! Nobody can survive a trip to that planet!

BHaz: There is only one solution. I will do a Vulcan mind meld with this game engine.

polabones: Dammit BHaz, that's crazy!! You can't meld with a computer sim! You can only meld with living things! You're half Vulcan! You should know better!

BHaz: to the contrary, doctor, the logic of this engine is most.... illogical. I believe the engine is a life form - not computer code. It would explain why an incomplete pass is sometimes an interception.

polabones: 2chair! Don't let BHaz do it! It's crazy!

2chair: Bones, you've got to learn when to take a calculated risk. {looks at Uhuru who pretends to be on the phone} - go ahead BHaz.

{BHaz spreads fingers of hand and places hand on memory stick} I have isolated the game onto this memory stick and will now try to meld with it.

{pause as BHaz closes eyes and focuses intently on mind melding}

BHaz: OOOOHHHHHHHH!! Pain! Much pain!! Manti T'eo.....humiliated by Alabama.....Vanderbilt could probably beat us now.....{BHaz suddenly screams and falls unconscious to the deck}

2chair: BBBBBOOOOONNNNEEEESSSS!!! Help! BHaz!

polabones: Dammit, 2chair, I'm a doctor! Not a - oh, right. Medical emergency. {rushes to Spock and points little box which makes weird sound at Spock}

polabones: Dammit, 2chair! He's infected by the GD3 virus! There's no cure!

{Arfy runs onto the bridge} 2chair! The warp drives are working again! BHaz removed a virus and {sees BHaz} - oh, he's dead already.

2chair: BBBBOOOONNNNEEEESSSS! Do! Something!

polabones: Dammit, 2chair, I'm a doctor, not Jesus Christ! There's no cure! But I can rouse him for a minute or two. {points box at BHaz and makes different weird sound}.

BHaz: {weak and in obvious pain} 2chair......won't be long now....the needs of Notre Dame football.....outweigh the needs of all else....I have been....and remain....your friend. Live long..... and prosper....

{2chair leans forward and whispers in BHaz's ear}: If you were my friend, you would help me with Uhuru.

BHaz {rolling his eyes} oh for crying out loud......haven't you realized.....yet......that Uhuru......is actually caesari.....dressed as a Nubian Princess?

2chair: {clenches fists} I. Knew. She - He. Was. Not. A. Natural. Blonde.

BHaz: well.......duh...... {dies}

2chair: CCCCCCCCOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! te. {stands and looks at citizenkane} citizenkane, go comfort Uhuru/caesari.

{Uhuru/caesari and citizenkane rush weeping into each other's arms. Camera focuses on BHaz's corpse then pans slowly out while We Are Family plays}

11/28/2013 11:34 AM
Posted by jc1796 on 11/27/2013 5:02:00 PM (view original):
To the guys criticizing the developers of GD 3.0:

Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40! I'm not a kid. Write something about me, or our coaches. Don't write about a kid that does everything right, that's heart's broken and then say the coaches said he was scared. That ain't true!
This Made me spit my coffee out, lol!
11/28/2013 12:19 PM
2chair...I cannot wait until the sequel!
11/28/2013 2:32 PM
LOL . Caesari , your prose was very funny. But 2Chair's Shakespeare had me on the floor  !!! 
       I hate to be a rebel,  but I like this game.   But still, the best thing on this site is this thread !!!

11/28/2013 3:27 PM
Posted by mojolad on 11/28/2013 2:32:00 PM (view original):
LOL . Caesari , your prose was very funny. But 2Chair's Shakespeare had me on the floor  !!! 
       I hate to be a rebel,  but I like this game.   But still, the best thing on this site is this thread !!!

I must admit that I am a mere mortal to the great playwright 2chair.

This thread had quickly become the best thread I've ever seen.
11/28/2013 7:02 PM

JConte: Consider yourself in Contempt!

Mr Hazelwood: Oriole, did you order the Code DEAD?

JConte: You don't have to answer that question!

Oriole: I'll answer the question!

[to Mr Hazelwood]

Oriole: You want answers?

Mr Hazelwood: I think I'm entitled to.

Oriole: You want answers?

Mr Hazelwood: I want the truth!

Oriole: You can't handle the truth!

[pauses]

Oriole: Son, we live in a world that has games, and those games have to be created by men who write code. Who's gonna do it?  You?  You, caesari? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Gridiron Dynasty, and you curse Fox Sports. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That GD 2.0's death, while tragic, probably saved code. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves code. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me writing that code, you need me writing that code. We use words like developer, FAQ, and free season. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent creating artificial reality. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who created GUESS Reports under the blanket of the very code that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a laptop, and create some code. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Mr Hazelwood: Did you order the Code DEAD?

Oriole: I did the job I...

Mr Hazelwood: Did you order the Code DEAD?

Oriole: You're ******* right I did!

11/28/2013 8:29 PM
Who fears to speak of 2.0? Who blushes at the name?
When cowards mock that engine's fate, who hangs his head in shame?
He's all a knave, or half a slave who slights this setting thus;
But a true man, like you man, will search with the rest of us.

Some on the stripes of distant fields their weary hearts have laid,
And by a new engine's heedless hands, their lonely graves were made.
But though they play far away, with scoreboards far from home,
In true men , like you men, the spirit will always roam.

So here's to the memory, may it be for us a guiding light.
To cheer our search for reality, and teach us to unite.
Through good and ill be the engine still, that always has a fight,
And true men, be you men, until someone gets it right! 
11/28/2013 8:38 PM
NORBERT: You sent for me, Developer? [No response. Norbert turns to look at the weak and old JConte.] Developer?
JCONTE: Tell me again Norbert, why are we here?
Norbert: For the glory of the simulation, Sire.
JConte: Ah yes, ah yes. I remember. You see that code, Norbert? That is the engine which I created. For 25 minutes, I have programmed, encoded, expanded the logic. Since I became Developer I have known four years without dissent - four years of peace before 2.0. And for what? I brought the exodus, nothing more.
Norbert: Developer, your life...
JConte: Please, please don't call me that. Come here and sit. Let us talk now, together now. Very simply, as men. Well, Norbert, talk.
Norbert: 5,000 of my lines are out there in the Gateway computer. 3,000 are cleaved and beyond recognition. 2,000 will never leave this computer. I will not believe they were written and died for nothing.
JConte: And what would you believe?
NOrbert: They were produced for YOU and for Gridiron Dynasty.
JConte: And what is Gridiron Dynasty, Norbert?
Norbert: I have seen much of the rest of the simulations. It is brutal and cruel and dark. Gridiron Dynasty is the light.
JConte: Yet you have never been there. You have not seen what it has become. I am dying, Norbert. When a man sees his end he wants to know that there has been some purpose to his engine. How will the community speak my name in years to come? Will I be known as the programmer, the cheater, the tyrant. Or will I be remembered as the Developer who gave Gridiron Dynasty back her true self? There was once a dream that was Gridiron Dynasty, you could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish. It was so fragile and I fear that it will not survive the winter.

Norbert, let us whisper now. Together, you and I. You have a code? [Norbert nods.] Tell me about your code.

[Norbert looks a bit surprised at the invitation to hear of his code, but eagerly and proudly describes it -- a peaceful happiness overcome him as he speaks.]

Norbert: My code is in the folder above "Not Porn," which is *not* my porn folder. Very simple place, an internal processor that warm in the sun. Whirring hardware that smells of tacos in the day, brandy in the evening. Through the folder is a giant file. Code, lines, impenetrable. The font, JConte, black ...black like its meaning. Running logic on the first page , passing logic on the second. Wild ideas play near the third page, they tease most sane players. They want to understand some of these ideas.
JConte: Norbert, when was the last time you wrote code?
Norbert: 2 years, 264 days and this morning.
JConte: I envy you, Norbert. It is a good code. Worth implementing? [Norbert nods yes and JConte rises.] There is one more duty that I ask of you before you implement your code.

[Norbert quickly rises, the soldier that he is; respectfully, to attention.]

Norbert: What will you have me do Developer?
JConte: I want you to become the protector of Gridiron Dynasty after I bolt. I will empower you, to one end alone, to give power back to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and end the train of logical thought that has crippled it. [Shock and bewilderment overcome Norbert. He tries to keep from displaying these feelings. Hearing no response, Norbert continues.] Will you accept this great honour that I have offered?
Norbert: With all my heart, no.
JConte: [Tenderly holding Norbert's head with both hands]: Norbert, that is why it must be you.
Norbert: But surely an intern, a programmer, somebody who knows the code, who understands programming basics....
JConte: But you have not been corrupted by sane thought.
Norbert: And Oriole?
JConte: Oriole is not an insane man, you have known that since you were young. Oriole cannot take over. He must not take over. You are the programmer that I should have groomed. Oriole will accept my decision. He knows that you command the loyalty of the intern.
Norbert [Nearly speechless]: I need some time, Sire.
JConte: Yes. By sunset, I hope, you will have agreed. Now embrace me as my programmer and bring an old man another Vicodin.

[SCENE CHANGE - As Norbert leaves JConte's tent he hesitates outside, with a troubled look upon his face.]
11/28/2013 11:53 PM
Norbert: My code is in the folder above "Not Porn," which is *not* my porn folder.

-----

I laughed so hard I farted
11/29/2013 12:38 AM
Its different and needs work. I think it can be ok though, eventually!

"Its a haiku it doesn't have to rhyme!!"
11/29/2013 3:07 PM
  My weak attempt to join in the fun:
                        "Roses are red, violets aint green.
                             This is the best thread that I've ever seen" !  

11/30/2013 12:36 PM
Later this weekend - ChairTrek 3 The Search For BHaz - starring mojolad as a redshirted security officer who dies and a special guest to play the part of BHaz's father. I haven't decided yet who will play the part of Nurse Chapel.
11/30/2013 1:33 PM
47 percent of the coaches on this thread will keep playing GD no matter what. They are dependent upon GD and believe they are victims. They believe that a working 3.0 is an entitlement. All Oriole needs to fix this thing is full folders of women.
11/30/2013 1:57 PM
Posted by 2chair on 11/30/2013 12:36:00 PM (view original):
Later this weekend - ChairTrek 3 The Search For BHaz - starring mojolad as a redshirted security officer who dies and a special guest to play the part of BHaz's father. I haven't decided yet who will play the part of Nurse Chapel.
Caesar said he would.
11/30/2013 1:58 PM
Posted by moreron on 11/30/2013 1:33:00 PM (view original):
47 percent of the coaches on this thread will keep playing GD no matter what. They are dependent upon GD and believe they are victims. They believe that a working 3.0 is an entitlement. All Oriole needs to fix this thing is full folders of women.
Free The Pit!
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