1/15/2012 10:45 PM
HAHAHAHA That taser story is HILARIOUS.

And mb, that is a good question. I asked LeBron for change for a dollar once, and he handed me 75 cents. "What's this?" I asked. "Only 75 cents?" He looked dejected, replying sheepishly, "Sorry, I don't have a fourth quarter."
1/15/2012 10:46 PM
A famous scientist had an aging, toothless lion as a pet that used to lie across the outside doorstep to his lab sunning itself. The scientist was working on a formula to keep dolphins alive forever. He discovered that sea gulls fed to the dolphins could be the answer. One day as he was stepping over the lion to enter his lab with some seagulls, the FBI arrested him. What was the charge?
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
1/15/2012 10:46 PM
I'd also like to submit glaity for psychiatric evaluation.
1/15/2012 10:49 PM
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

1/15/2012 11:05 PM
And that pun might have been the best pun I've ever seen...



1/15/2012 11:37 PM

I am part Norweigian, and, as such Norweigian jokes are always told at family gatherings, etc... usually involving Ole and his best friend Swen. Here is one of my favorites:
Ole and Swen each had a horse, and every morning they would go out and argue over who's horse was who's. So one morning, Ole decided that they would cut the mane off of Swen's horse and so they did. That night, their neighbor snuck over to their property and cut the mane off of the other horse. The next morning after three hours of fighting, they decided to cut the tail off of Swen's horse. The next night their neighbor snuck over and cut the tail off of the other horse. So the next morning, after another long session of fighting, Ole finally sighed and said, "Well Swen I tell you what. Why don't you just take the white one and I'll take the black one."

1/16/2012 12:00 AM
Toward the end of the golf course, Charles somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
 Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
 All of the sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
 make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
 Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Charles got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Brian.
"Brian, where are you?"
Brian yells back, ! "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Charles yells back....."DON'T SWING BRIAN!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!"
1/16/2012 12:02 AM

    Love, Marriage, Sickness and Happiness

    A husband had a doctor's appointment and wanted his wife to accompany him. After the doctor examined the husband, he spoke to his wife. The doctor said, "Your husband has a life-threatening illness that needs special treatment and if he doesn't get it, he could die".

    The wife replied, "What is it I can do to help my husband recover?"

    The doctor said:
    1. Every day you must make him a good breakfast and send him off to work in a good frame of mind;
    2. Fix him a healthy lunch, when he comes home at noon and give him peace and quiet and send him back to work in a happy frame of mind;

    3. When he comes home at night, fix him a wonderful meal with all his favorite foods. Don't ask him to help with household chores and don't complain;

    4. Make sure that he is satisfied sexually several times a week in order
    that he is happy and contented.

    When the husband and wife were driving home, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "What did the doctor say about my check-up?"

    "You're gonna die", she replied.

1/16/2012 12:48 AM
One day out on the course, a group of golfers notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course.
Albert suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in
silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, George remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved."
Albert replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."
1/16/2012 1:06 AM
In the spirit of livemike and the golfing joke:

A man and his wife were on the golf course when the man hit a shot to the edge of the fairway. Between him and the hole was a small barn.
"Darn, I'll have to go around and surely get a double bogey on this hole, " he stated dejectedly to his spouse.
She surveyed the scene and said, "If you really hit it hard and keep it low, you can get it through the barn door and out the back window and you'll be right on the green!"
He agreed with her assessment. He opened the barn door and the window and lined up the shot. He took a powerful swing and hit the ball solid. It flew a little too high, hit above the door and bounced back hitting his wife in the forehead, killing her on the spot.
.
.Time goes by . . .
.
His friends had finally convinced him to try golf again and as they were completing the first round since his wife was killed, found themselves on the very same hole. Unfortunately, the man had hit the ball in almost the same location as he had on that fateful day. He was shaking and quivering. One of his friends piped up, "Hey, if you really hit it hard and keep it low, you can get it through the barn door and out the back window and you'll be right on the green!"
The man slowly turned his head to the other fellow and said, "No way! Last time I tried that I took a triple bogey!"
1/16/2012 1:19 AM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
1/16/2012 1:34 AM (edited)
Another golfing joke:
Moses, Jesus and an older gentleman were all playing golf. On the first tee, Moses takes his tee shot and lands it directly in the water hazard, so he parts the hazard and plays his ball onto the fairway from there. Next, Jesus steps up to the tee, and he also lands his shot in the water hazard, so he walks across the water and plays his ball onto the green. Not impressed, the older gentleman steps up to the tee and takes a wild hack at the ball sending the ball careening past the Out of Bounds markers, into oncoming traffic, bouncing off of a truck's windshield, bounces off of the roof of the greenkeeper's shed, back out onto the fairway toward the water hazard. Just before it falls in, the ball ricochets off a small rock, bouncing onto a lillypad in the pond, when a bullfrog hops up and eats the ball. At that very moment, a bald eagle swoops in, grabs the frog and flies away. As they were flying over the green the frog all of a sudden drops the golf ball and it falls to earth, landing directly in the hole.
Jesus turns to the older gentleman, sighs and says "Look, Dad, if you don't stop messing around, we're not going to bring you along next time"
1/16/2012 7:35 AM
Posted by mlemley on 1/15/2012 10:04:00 PM (view original):
Did you hear that Clemson had to take a bus back home from Miami after their Orange Bowl loss to WVU?  Dabo said the his team just couldn't stand one more, Touchdown!  WVU 70 Clemson 33.
How do you make Clemson cookies?  Put them in a big bowl and beat them solidly for 3 hours.
1/16/2012 7:47 AM

Three old men were sitting on the porch of their retirement home.  The 70 year old says “In the morning, I can’t pee until 9:00 am.  I wish I could just get it out of my system earlier, like when I was younger, so my bladder wouldn’t hurt so much.”

The 80 year old says “That’s nothing.  I can’t drop a deuce any more until 10:00 am each morning.  My stomach is in knots.  I hate it.”

The 90 year old laughs and says “I don’t know why you’re having such problems.  Every morning, I go #1 and #2 by 7:00 am.”  An orderly overhears him and says “Yeah, but you don’t wake up until noon!”

1/16/2012 8:28 AM
mb stole my golfing joke.... So here's another:

What do you do if you are caught in the middle of a thunderstorm while on the golf course? 
Wave a one iron above your head, because even God can't hit a one iron!
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