Are you tired of NFL Draft previews where the writer is lucky to get eight out of 32 picks correct? Are you tired of hearing debates between two "experts" who are probably both wrong? Are you tired of the banal and meaningless cliches which pass for "analysis"? Then how about an NFL draft preview where ZERO of the 32 picks will be correct, where the author is definitely not an expert, and with just as many cliches? And which mocks all 32 NFL teams? Without further ado, here are my 2013 NFL Draft projections:
1) Baltimore Ravens (from Kansas City Chiefs) Tyrann Mathieu, High Times Magazine: Desperate to replace the "character" which Ray Lewis provided for them over the past 17 years, the Ravens panic, trade all their draft picks to the Chiefs, and draft Tryann Mathieu. Although he has no history of violent crime, Mathieu has flunked at least 10 drug tests and was kicked out of LSU. He quit in patient drug rehab after two weeks – perhaps based upon the theory that “rehab is for quitters.” Mathieu was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana after quitting rehab. The interview of Mathieu, by an astonished Chris Berman, will go viral on the internet after Mathieu is observed smoking dope on camera.
2) New York Jets from Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars have no QB on their roster, unless you count Blaine Gabbert, which nobody does, not even Gabbert's mother, and the Jags trade this pick to the Jets for Tim Tebow. The Jets draft someone from the USC cheerleading squad. If having her in a private suite during training camp doesn't keep Mark Sanchez happy, nothing will. The fact that this cheerleader would not sign with the Jets, for any amount of money, and has a restraining order against their entire roster and coaching staff ------ is something the Jets have yet to consider.
3) ATLANTA FALCONS (From Oakland Raiders): The Raiders have hired Josip Gaspar as their GM. Gaspar was recently fired from his job as a Croatian soccer coach because he stole a wallet from one of his players and purchased 36 bottles of Jagermeister with that player's credit card. If Gaspar had purchased Maker's Mark, and shared a couple of bottles, they might have let him go with a warning. But Jagermeister?
Gaspar wanted to choose David Beckham since he is the "best footballer in America, or, at least, the only one I have heard of" but not even the Raiders would be dumb enough to draft David Beckham. In the meantime, Thomas Dmitroff offered three cases of Jagermeister for the Raider's first round pick, and Gaspar jumped at the deal. "Idiots," announced Gaspar. "The Raiders told me to quit drinking. I would have traded the pick for a swallow of Boone's Farm."
Dmitroff was not the only GM to make an offer. "We were talking with someone who claimed to be from the Rams," added Gaspar, "But all he offered was a bottle of Absolut Peppar! Absolut Peppar!!??!! What kind of person does he think I am? I might have stolen a credit card from one of my players to buy 36 bottles of Jager, but I still have my self respect. I don't drink Peppar!"
With this pick, the Falcons select Tank Carradine from Florida St. "We need a DE with injury problems," explained Dmitroff. "Plus 'Tank Carradine' sounds like a character in a Bruce Willis movie. He may even be someone who can actually get one of those sack thingies I keep hearing about. What's the big deal with a sack? I get a couple of sacks every time I go to Whole Foods and they put my groceries in those facking recycled paper bags."
4) Philadelphia Eagles: Mike Glennon, QB NC State. Glennon's middle name is "Upside." Glennon played with Russell Wilson at NC State. Look for Glennon to be The Next Russell Wilson. Of course, Glennon does not have Wilson's arm, or strength or mobility. You will also have to ignore that the coach who started Glennon over Wilson, and caused Wilson to transfer to Wisconsin, has been fired. And you will have to ignore that Glennon threw three picks against Vandy, but - Glennon played with Russell Wilson. This kid has a TON of upside. He could play on Sundays, in this League, for a long, long, long, long time.
5) Detroit Lions: Ryan Swope, WR, Texas A&M which is near Texas Tech: Swope is an undersized and slow WR from Texas A&M, which is near Texas Tech, (which is where Welker and Danny Amendola played). Swope is this year's Next Wesley Welker Who Is A Poor Man's Danny Amendola. The Lions need a second WR to go with Megatron, and this "Welkendola" clone has terrific upside. Who doesn't want a "Welkendola" clone? I will tell you. Only communists and terrorists do not want a "Welkendola" clone.
6) Cleveland Browns: Brooks Bollinger, QB Wisconsin. It will not be easy to find a player worse than Weeden, or a first round pick worse than Weeden, but the Browns will find a way! They need someone to provide veteran leadership to Weeden. The Browns approached Charlie Batch about playing for them, but Batch laughed so hard that he wet himself. Bollinger is the best option out there (if you do not count players who might be good some day)(which the Browns clearly do not).
7) Arizona Cardinals: Jose Fuentes, QB, Utah State. Overheard in the Cardinals Draft Room: "*** ******* ******!!!! BOLLINGER IS GONE! I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE TRADED UP!!!!!"
8) Buffalo Bills: Ryan Griffin, QB, Tulane: Tulane is also J.P. Losman's alma mater. Since Griffin has limited upside and probably does not belong in this League at all, Griffin has an excellent chance to be The Next J.P. Losman or perhaps even The Next Rob Johnson. The Bills fans will not notice any difference between Griffin, Ryan Fitzpatrick, J.P. Losman....heck, the Bills fans don't even bother learning their players' names anymore. They all stink.
9) New York Jets: Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina. The Jets will stash Lattimore on IR for the 2013 season. In 2014, the Jets will have Lattimore ready for their new coach and QB. Look out, NFL!! Except in 2013. The Jets will stink this year.
10) Tennessee Titans: Tyler Bray, QB, Tennessee. The fact that Bray played college ball for Tennessee gives him a 50% chance of remembering that he plays for the "Tennessee ... uh....Vol....uhhh....I know this..... uh.....Tights. Yeah, Tennessee Tights. We wear uh....tight pants." Bray is agile with a strong arm. He is a Can’t Miss Prospect and guaranteed to be The Next Colin Kaepernick If You Overlook All The Dumb Plays And A Ton Of Interceptions.
11) San Diego Chargers: Star Latoo-Ukelele, DT, Utah. Latoo-Ukelele has heart problems. The Chargers, as a team, have no heart. The Chargers and Latoo-Ukelele go together like Norv Turner and underachievement.
12) Miami Dolphins: Chance Casey, DB, Baylor. If the Dolphins can pay three years and $10,000,000.00 to acquire Brandon Gibson, a heckuvacrappy WR who was cut by the Rams, the Dolphins can darn sure pay $75,000,000.00 over five years to the lowest rated prospect on the one draft board I briefly checked.
13) NEW YORK JETS (from Tampa Bay for Darrell Revis): Luke Marquardt OT, Asuza Pacific: In an effort to insure that Mark Sanchez suffers a career ending injury, and Rex Ryan gets fired, the Jets draft someone from a school that may not even exist - and probably does not even play football - to block for Mark Sanchez. The Jets intend to teach Marquardt the "Matador" style of blocking where the defender charges, and the lineman jumps out of the way like a matador avoiding a bull. Look for Patriots fans to be screaming "OLE! OLE!" after the Jets make this pick.
14) Carolina Panthers: Terrence Okoye, no position, no college, lives in Britain. Okoye never went to college. The same thing is basically true of Cam Newton. BOOM! Ideal teammates!!!! Christian Okoye was "The Nigerian Nightmare." Terrence Okoye will be "The British Bust."
15) New Orleans Saints: Man With No Name (as played by Clint Eastwood in The Spaghetti Westerns). Best. Bounty. Hunter. Ever.
16) St. Louis Rams: Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama. Jeff Fisher loves to run the ball. In fact, Fisher is still hoping to ban the forward pass in the NFL. Fisher is on record as saying that the forward pass "is an experimental rule that has proven to be unsuccessful and outdated." Eddie Lacy reminds Fisher of Eddie George in that both are named Eddie, both are big, and strong, and both are slow and physical, and both average 3.2 yards per carry. Fisher dismissed concerns that Lacy is hurt and out of shape. “The same things were true of Lendale White when he came into this League,” laughed Fisher. “The Combine does not test for skills that Eddie will use an NFL game. You know, things like eating doughnuts, getting your money’s worth at all you can eat buffets, and missing workouts.”
17) Pittsburgh Steelers: Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri. The Steelers already have Ziggy Hood from Mizzou and want Sheldon Richardson to be - The Next Ziggy Hood. Only one problem with this plan -
Ziggy. Hood. Sucks.
18) Dallas Cowboys: Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington. Given that the Cowboys are the most overrated franchise in American sports, except for Notre Dame football, Trufant is a perfect fit. He had a great workout, has "all the tools," "great intangibles," "comes from an NFL family," and "ideal size and speed." The Cowboys can ignore that Trufant could not cover WRs in the Pac 12 or tackle anybody in the Pac 12 either. Trufant will be The Next Jason Sehorn Except He Isn't Even Married To Angie Harmon.
19) New York Giants: Caleb Sturgis, K, Florida. Because Lawrence Tynes REALLY REALLY...... BOOM! .... REALLY was not getting the job done. This author won a Fantasy Football semifinal by two points because the other owner started Lawrence Tynes who missed a 30 yard FG in the Georgia Dome and scored zero points that week.
20) Chicago Bears: Jordan Rogers, QB, Vanderbilt. The Bears have addressed the bulk of their needs in free agency with an aggressive approach to signing good players. The Bears only remaining problem is that Jay Cutler is still their QB. Jordan Rogers is their man. Sure, Jordan Rogers played at Vandy, the same place Cutler played, and Jordan Rogers could not hit the broad side of a barn with a shotgun from five feet away, but:
Jordan Rogers is Aaron Rogers' younger brother. This kid has a TON of upside.
21) Cincinnati Bengals: Da'Rick Rogers: WR, Tennessee Tech. In Bengals World, Rogers has the full package for a WR. He failed multiple drug tests, argued repeatedly with coaches, and is a selfish diva. Shoot, he even got kicked out of the University of Tennessee! Not even Pac Man Jones did that. Speaking of Pac Man, he plays for the Bengals and will be the ideal teammate for Da’rick.
OH, YEAH. PAC MAN AND DA'RICK GONNA MAKE IT RAIN.
22) St. Louis Rams: Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama. Given that Stephen Jackson opted out of his $7,000,000.00 deal with the Rams to take $4,000,000.00 from the Falcons, the Rams have to be 100,000% certain of getting Eddie Lacy. This pick will also help the Rams negotiate a better deal with Lacy. When Lacy's agent demands that his client be paid like the 16th pick in the draft, the Rams can exclaim "Horsefeathers! Your client was the 22nd pick!"
I should really be an NFL GM.
23) Minnesota Vikings: BRETT LORENZO FAVRE, QB, Oak Grove Warriors, Hattiesburg, MS. Their other options are Christian Ponder, Joe Webb, and Matt Cassell. The heck with it. The Vikings can either sign BRETT LORENZO FAVRE or have Adrian Peterson run the Wildcat exclusively. In your heart, you know I’m right.
24) Indianapolis Colts: John Jenkins, DT, Georgia. In the recent Sports Illustrated article about weight concerns with NFL draft picks, there were multiple photos of NFL prospects who were not wearing shirts. Let me just say that these photos did not remind me of the SI swimsuit issue. Jenkins appeared to be the fattest of the prospects who were photographed. And that is saying something. That is like claiming to be a bigger nerd than Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory.
25) Seattle Seahawks: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia: After trading Matt Flynn, the Seahawks need a backup to Russell Wilson. Heck, the Seahawks needed a backup to Wilson when they had Flynn. The Seahawks signed Brady Quinn - which is another way of saying that the Seahawks STILL do not have a backup to Russell Wilson. Although drafting and signing Smith will probably make a long term extension for Wilson financially impossible, this pick solves the immediate problem of having Brady Quinn on the roster.
26) Green Bay Packers: Barrett Jones, C/G/OT, Alabama. The Packers have lost roughly 80'% of their team to free agency. The Packers have not signed anybody. Jones can play multiple positions - hopefully at the same time. Besides, the Packers don't need a defense. The NFL is all about scoring.
27) Houston Texans: Andre Johnson clone, Chinese research lab. In their efforts to find a good second WR to go with Andre Johnson, the Texans have whiffed like A-Roid in a playoff game. Give up already. Just clone the guy you have.
28) Denver Broncos: Alec Ogletree, LB, Georgia. Denver needs a linebacker. Ogletree needs to live in a state where marijuana is legal. BOOM! Perfect fit!!! Now if Ogletree will just remember to call his designated driver….
29) New England Patriots: State Street Barbers, Boston, MA. Because it's about facking time that Tom Brady got a decent facking haircut. Besides, Belicheat could win nine straight Super Bowls with 53 preschool kids. Belicheat is that good.
After the pick is made, David Ortiz will grab a microphone, and bellow "THIS IS OUR ******* CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Belicheat will immediately growl at Ortiz to "SHADDUP" but decline any further comment, on any subject, for at least six months
30) Atlanta Falcons: Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M. The Falcons cut Tyson Clabo and resigned Sam Baker to play left tackle. There is currently a 94% chance that Baker will miss at least eight games due to injury. If the Falcons put Joeckel at LT and move Baker to RT, the chance of Baker missing at least eight games due to injury is reduced to 93%.
31) San Francisco 49ers: Manti T'eo, LB, Notre Dame. The 49ers need a player to give advice to Colin Kaepernick about tattoos. T'eo wants to be closer to his "girlfriend" in LA. T'eo might also be wondering if San Francisco is the best place to be for the first openly gay player in the NFL.
32) Kansas City Chiefs (from Baltimore): Matt Barkley, QB, USC. Barkley could be The Next Mark Sanchez (unless he's The Next Matt Leinart). After the Chiefs take Barkley, Andy Reid will immediately quit. He wants Matt Stankiewitch, OL, Penn State. Coach Reid has said publicly that he likes Stankiewitch because "Penn St. and good character go together like potatoes and gravy," and "his name, Stanky-Witch, makes me giggle."
If the Raiders have not traded all of their picks away, look for them to draft someone with a drug and alcohol problem. No sober person will sign with the Raiders. My best guess is Jack Daniels, Athlete, Tennessee.