OT: Laugh Out Loud Topic

I'm in need of a good laugh, so this is the place to post the most hilarious stories you have. It can be about anything: the wife, WIS, football, I don't care. Just make it funny.

And try to avoid too offensive material. Some is fine. It adds to the funny factor.
1/15/2012 12:56 PM

What do a maggot and an Alabama fan have in common?  They can both live off of a dead bear for 20 years.

1/15/2012 1:33 PM
One of my farts was so bad, my wife literally jumped out of bed and fell on the floor.  I don't know who was laughing harder.
1/15/2012 4:33 PM
The Polish Rapist: They caught him - Put him in a lineup and the woman came in to identify him. 
          He jumps out of the lineup and says:"THAT'S HER" !
1/15/2012 4:45 PM
HAHAHA Yes! Keep them coming!
1/15/2012 5:21 PM
We bought a hunting cabin that had a gravity fed shower, a sink that emptied through the wall outside and no toilet... so the first year of deer camp in the place I set my glasses on the rim of the sink and go shower, when I come out and grab the towel it knocks them into the damn **** bucket we had set up for midnight drainage. I'm blind as a bat so I had 2 choices stop hunting or dive for the glasses, luckily we had that blue crap in there that kills the smell and disinfects but I scrubbed the hell out of them and poured schnapps, vodka and everything else we had on the glasses to really disinfect them and myself. I think it goes without saying that my dad and all of my brothers thought this was the most hilarious thing ever and as soon as I got back to civilization a new pair was purchased and a toilet was installed that summer.
1/15/2012 6:23 PM
If the Michigan cheerleaders and the Ohio State cheerleaders were stripped naked and put in the middle of the field, how could you tell the difference?  The Michigan ones would be the ones eating the grass.
1/15/2012 6:30 PM
On a personal note.  When I was an apprentice we had another apprentice always playing practical jokes.  Drove us nuts.  One day I had my brother get me some of the powder that gets put on money so you know who stole it.  It turns bright purple when you start to sweat but when you put it on something, if you can see it, you put on too much.  Anyways, we were in class and Mike, that was his name, went to the can.  I got up and dusted the inside of his full coverage MC helmet.  He was always going out chasing the women.  He had one of those Charlie Brown heads and going bald.  Anyways he was telling us how he was going to the bar afterwards and going to land one.  We all about bust when he plunked that helmet on his head.  The rest of the story I'll tell as he told it.  He went to the bar and asked several women to dance with him and they all busted out laughing.  He finally went home and went to bed.  Never bothered to turn the lights on.  Next morning he woke up and his pillow was bright purple and it hit him.  He'd been had.  He looked in the mirror and he looked like a purple racoon.  Only the space around his eyes was white.  The rest of his head was bright purple.  After a few days he'd gotten it all off finally and he asked me how to get it out of his MC helmet.  I told him he just had to rinse it out with water.  He did then wore it to work.  I took pity on him and had bought him a new helmet and as I handed it to him in the break room he got the absolute funniest look on his face.  Very calmly he said, "I'm f_ ing purple again aren't I."  I said yep.  His shoulders slumped and he took the helmet.  Soon as he started sweating the racoon look came back.  We were best friends for the next  21 years until he was killed in an accident at work.  He never played a practical joke on me again nor I him.
1/15/2012 6:53 PM (edited)
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How do you drive a GD coach crazy? Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.
1/15/2012 9:49 PM
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
I'm pretty sure  Hulk Hogan  ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS:  My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
1/15/2012 9:54 PM
Did you hear that Clemson had to take a bus back home from Miami after their Orange Bowl loss to WVU?  Dabo said the his team just couldn't stand one more, Touchdown!  WVU 70 Clemson 33.
1/15/2012 10:04 PM
If Lebron wanted a ring so bad, why didn't he just stay in Ohio and buy one from Terrelle Pryor?
1/15/2012 10:14 PM
were you still quiet?  Man that was funny.
1/15/2012 10:22 PM

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead."
"She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"


1/15/2012 10:40 PM
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OT: Laugh Out Loud Topic

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