OT: Laugh Out Loud Topic

Father Mulcahy on a stroll sees a parishioner of his strolling happily along, hand in one pocket, loaf of bread under his arm.

"Ah, Mr. O'Brien, fine day for a walk. I see you have the staff of life there in your hand. What's in your other hand?"

"Oh, this loaf of bread."
1/17/2012 4:57 PM

A Priest, A Rabbi and a Lawyer walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says...
What is this, some kind of joke?!?!

1/17/2012 5:09 PM
Reverse joke:  An Irishman walks out of a bar.
1/17/2012 6:16 PM

What is big and blue and eats rocks?
A big blue rock eater.

Why did the milkman die?
Because everyone dies. It was his time.

How do you make a baby cry?
Throw a brick at its face.

What's worse than getting a parking ticket?
The Holocaust.

Why couldn't Jimmy drive the tractor?
Because Jimmy had no arms.
Why didn't Jimmy have any arms?
Because he was a potato.

What did Batman say to RObin before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I was joking about the wheels.

Why was the little boy sad?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What do an eagle and a mole have in common?
They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs?
Whatever his name is.

How do you make a plummer cry?
Kill his family.

What do you call a Jewish cop?

What is large, white, and if it falls from a tree will kill you?
A fridge.
1/18/2012 1:31 AM

Dan clam and Sam clam were best friends and died on the same day.  Dan was good and went to Heaven.  Sam was not and went to Hell.

Dan missed his friend and asked God if he could visit Sam.  God agreed, but with a few provisions.  “You may only stay one night, and you must bring three things to remind you from where you came.”  Dan was given a halo, a harp, and a pair of wings.

Sam welcomed Dan.  “Since we only have one night, let’s go to my club.  It’s the new hot spot in Hell.”  They had a great time.  The music played, the booze flowed, and there were plenty of beautiful women. 

When Dan returned to Heaven, St. Peter was waiting to check him back in.  “I’m glad you had a nice time.  I’ll need to get the three things God gave you.”

“Halo.”  Check.  “Wings.”  Check.  “Harp.  Harp…!!  Dan, where is your harp?”

Dan thought for a minute and said “Oh no, I left my harp in Sam clam’s disco.”

1/18/2012 11:20 AM
Off color joke but was told to me by a black friend so please nobody even think racist.

A brother was walking down the street with a parrot on his shoulder.  A fellow stopped him and said, "hey where'd you get that?"

The parrot says, "over in Africa.  There are lots of them there."
1/18/2012 1:00 PM
Posted by grindi on 1/18/2012 1:00:00 PM (view original):
Off color joke but was told to me by a black friend so please nobody even think racist.

A brother was walking down the street with a parrot on his shoulder.  A fellow stopped him and said, "hey where'd you get that?"

The parrot says, "over in Africa.  There are lots of them there."

....just had to do it.
1/18/2012 1:01 PM
One more.

A young engaged couple got killed in a car wreck and were at the pearly gates.  As they came before St Peter they asked if they could be married there in heaven,  St Peter says, "Sure.  Wait right here."  He leaves them and is gone 2 weeks.  He finally shows back up with a preacher but the young couple had thought of another question.  "What if the marriage doesn't work out?  Can we get a divorce?", they asked.  St Peter throws up his hands and exclaims, "It took me two weeks to find a preacher up here.  How long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
1/18/2012 1:08 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

1/18/2012 3:10 PM
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A priest, minister, and rabbi all want to see who's best at their jobs, so they decide to go out and try to convert a bear. After some time, they get back together to share their experiences.

The priest goes first. "I ventured out into the woods, saw a bear, and began singing blessings and sprinkling his head with holy water. The bear was so convicted that he dropped everything he was doing and joined the Church. He now attends Mass every day and has come to Confession twice a week."

The minister replies, "That's nothing. When I went out into the woods, I came across a bear drinking at the river, and I began teaching the Gospel and telling him how much God loves him. The bear began crying and was baptized then and there."

The rabbi, in a full body cast, said, "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
1/18/2012 3:33 PM
 cydrych  - I love the chili judge joke.  I've read it before and it makes me laugh everytime I see it!
1/18/2012 3:40 PM
At a Law enforcement convention some guys got to talking about how they always got their man.  The argument went on and on until they decide to have a contest.  Each group would would send their best man into the woods to track down a rabbit.  The Mounties went first.  3 hours and 15 minutes after going in, he comes out with his rabbit.  The FBI agent then goes in an 3 hours and 20 minutes later comes out with his rabbitt.  The New York beat cop then goes in and is back in an hour walking a bear out at gunpoint.  The bear is all beat up and saying,"ok I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
1/18/2012 4:53 PM
Priest and a rabbi sitting next to each other on a plane.  The priest is doing a crossward puzzle.  Priest asks the rabbi, "what's a 4 letter word for woman ending in unt."  Rabbi says "Aunt"  Priest says "Thanks,  Got an eraser?"
1/18/2012 5:42 PM
How many GD forum users does it take to change a lightbulb.  10, 1 to do the work, 4 to tell him how it should be done, and 5 to ***** at him and call him despicable names.  .
1/18/2012 5:49 PM
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OT: Laugh Out Loud Topic

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