The troll has spoken.  All hail the high Troll.

Posted by caesari on 1/18/2012 1:31:00 AM (view original):
ANTIJOKES! LOVE THEM. Here's a few:


What is big and blue and eats rocks?
A big blue rock eater.

Why did the milkman die?
Because everyone dies. It was his time.

How do you make a baby cry?
Throw a brick at its face.

What's worse than getting a parking ticket?
The Holocaust.

Why couldn't Jimmy drive the tractor?
Because Jimmy had no arms.
Why didn't Jimmy have any arms?
Because he was a potato.

What did Batman say to RObin before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I was joking about the wheels.

Why was the little boy sad?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What do an eagle and a mole have in common?
They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs?
Whatever his name is.

How do you make a plummer cry?
Kill his family.

What do you call a Jewish cop?
Officer.

What is large, white, and if it falls from a tree will kill you?
A fridge.

What is better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?
Not being retarded

Anybody who doesn't think God has a sense of humor, never saw an Aardvark. 

Not a Santa!?!?

Sorry must have been a slip.  Of course there's a Santa Katz.

Posted by caesari on 1/18/2012 1:31:00 AM (view original):
ANTIJOKES! LOVE THEM. Here's a few:


What is big and blue and eats rocks?
A big blue rock eater.

Why did the milkman die?
Because everyone dies. It was his time.

How do you make a baby cry?
Throw a brick at its face.

What's worse than getting a parking ticket?
The Holocaust.

Why couldn't Jimmy drive the tractor?
Because Jimmy had no arms.
Why didn't Jimmy have any arms?
Because he was a potato.

What did Batman say to RObin before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I was joking about the wheels.

Why was the little boy sad?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What do an eagle and a mole have in common?
They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs?
Whatever his name is.

How do you make a plummer cry?
Kill his family.

What do you call a Jewish cop?
Officer.

What is large, white, and if it falls from a tree will kill you?
A fridge.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

How many elephants can you fit into a mini-cooper?
Four.

How many giraffes can you fit into a mini-cooper?
None, there's already four elephants in there.

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?
There's footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there's two elephants in your fridge?
When you close the door and the light goes out, you can hear them giggle.

How do you know if there's three elephants in your fridge?
You juuuuuust can't get the door shut.

How do you know if there's four elephants in your fridge?
There's a mini-cooper parked out front of your house.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

......... lets go ride bikes!!

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but we don't know how they got in there.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, two to write a folk song about it.

How many bidybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it and two to say "Buff dude! You're buff! You're buff dude!"

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

As many as you can afford.

How many potheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Like, three. One to forget what he was supposed to do, one to figure out how to make the bulb into a pipe, and one to, like, you know, like, wow.

Posted by da_goat on 1/18/2012 8:27:00 PM (view original):
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Boston Red Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Red Sox fans, too. Not really knowing what a Red Sox fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Red Sox fan." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "Why I'm proud to be a Yankees fan.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Yankees fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankees fans, and I'm a Yankees fan, too!" The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Red Sox fan."

At a custody hearing: Little Johnny was being brought to the stand to choose who he wanted to live with.

The Judge asked Johnny "Do you want to live with your mom?"Johnny answered "No, she beats me."

 The Judge asked Johnny "Do you want to live with your dad?"Johnny answered "No, he beats me."

The judge scratched his head and then asked "Well then who do you want to live with?"Johnny answered "The Red Sox, because they don't beat anyone"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come a large group of exuberant Red Sux fans. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Another Red Sux fan comes in with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the Red Sux fans, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Red Sux fan who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that Red Sux fans are dumb and they make fun of us, So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

You have to be a Red Sux fan if...

Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your wife's hair attracts bees.
Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
Your mom's ever been arrested for poaching.
Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
Your grandmother has ever been evicted from a bingo game for foul language.
You can belch most of the popular Christmas carols.
You get Odor Eaters for Christmas.
You've got "ammo" on Your Christmas list under the word "Mom."
You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You've got a room temperature IQ.
You've got a trash bag as a passenger side window.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You've ever rolled Your riding lawn mower.
You've ever left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
Santa won't let your kids sit on his lap.
You think the "5 to 10 pounds" on the diaper box refers to how much the diaper will hold.
You ever asked the widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.

Yankee fan? So am I. 

A couple of Heaven related jokes:
Sam and John are best friends who absolutely love baseball and played together in their younger years. Sam is on his death bed and John comes to see him. John looks at Sam and says "When you get to the other side, will you let me know if there is baseball up there?" Sam agreed and an hour later, he passed away. A couple days later, John awakes to a mysterious voice saying his name. John, startled, asks "Who's there?" The voice says "John, it's me, Sam." John says "Sam! Great to here from you. How is heaven? Is there baseball there?" To which Sam replies "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that heaven is great and there is baseball here. I haven't played this well since I was 18!" John, curious, replies "Well, what's the bad news?" Sam sighs and says "Well, the manager just put up the rotations for next week. You're pitching on Tuesday."

Three blind mice die in a tragic farm accident involving an old woman and a broom, and go to heaven. There Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says "Welcome to Heaven. Is there anything I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable?" The mice reply, "Well, we have been running around all our lives and we would like to have a pair of roller skates each." Peter grants their wish and they each get a pair of roller skates. A few days later, a cat dies of natural causes and is met by Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter asks if there is anything he can do to make the cat's stay more enjoyable. The cat replies "Well, I have had a rather hectic life, so I would just like a nice soft pillow to relax on." So, Peter grants his wish. A little while later, Peter sees the cat relaxing on his pillow, and asks him "How has your stay in Heaven been so far?" The cat says "Oh it's been great. A nice relaxing pillow to lay my head on, plenty of light to bask in and relax under. But what I have enjoyed the most are those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by."

And one that doesn't really fit.
What's black and white and red all over?
A penguin in a blender.

George Carlin quotes
 Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
 Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
 A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
 Have you ever noticed that their stuff is ****, and your **** is stuff?
 If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
 Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
 If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
 It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
 The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

and my personal favorite
 The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

Posted by quietman on 1/15/2012 9:54:00 PM (view original):

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

 

Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

 

The directions said that:

 

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

 

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

 

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

 

I'm pretty sure  Hulk Hogan  ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

• I had no control over the drooling.

• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

 

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

PS:  My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

OMG!  I hurt I was laughing so hard!  Nipples twitching??!?!!?!!?!?  Holy crap that was a funny story!  Thank you!