what did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?


sorry my fault!


science ftw!

Gonna hook this joke into GD: A college fb player had a severe case of flatulism(uncontrolled farting) which every time it happened it came out sounding like "Honda" ! 
So he went to the doctor. The doctor sent him to an oral surgeon, who did the surgery and cured the player.
But the grateful player said to the surgeon:"Doc, Im grateful you cured me. But what did oral surgery have to do with my problem." ?  
      So the oral surgeon explained:"What you had was an abscess. So I removed the abscess. Didn't you know that Abscess makes the Fart go Honda"  !   

I don't know how this ended up in my site mail - probably an accident, but I'll pass it along to the forum just the same -

WIS -  MEMO to staff: Regarding our new marketing for Gridiron Dynasty:

Staff, people will come. They'll come to Iowa, to Florida State, to Davidson for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up in our Division III not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at our web-site as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, WIS won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $10.95 per team per season. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk over to their devices; sit in shirtsleeves, indoors, on a perfect afternoon to watch their team recruit. They'll find they have requests for exhibition games against teams they could remember from their youth, and remember where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the WIS-Cast and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come, Staff. The one constant through all the years, Staff, has been simulated computer football. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But simulated computer football has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Staff. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Staff. People will most definitely come.


Don't know what this means, but hopefully something is going on.

A medical professor was talking to his students on the first day of class and lecturing them about autopsies. The professor told the students "there are two things you need to succeed in this line of work. One is no fear." The professor then shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus. The medical professor then pulled his finger out and licked it. He then told the class "now all of you must do this". The class responded in kind, mimicking the professor.

The professor then stated " the second thing you need is acute observation skills. For example how many of you didn't notice that I licked my index finger"?

There was once a young man named Mojo Ladd. It seems Mojo went to the doctor one day and described that "I am 23, and I have never been in trouble. I have no trouble making friends, a college degree, and a good job. I bathe every day, wear plenty of deodorant, and I am nice to women, but I just cannot get a woman to go out with me. Can you please check me out and make sure I don't have some condition or problem that is driving woman away from me?" The doctor gives Mojo a full work up, blood tests, complete physical, everything. Mojo goes to a few more doctors who all give Mojo a complete work up but cannot find any explanation or problem. Finally, in desperation, Mojo goes to a Chinese doctor hoping that there is some ancient, herbal and holistic remedy or something. Mojo gives the same history, and the Chinese doctor tells Mojo to strip naked and then walk towards the doctor. Just as Mojo is face to face with the doctor, he tells Mojo to turn around and walk away. "Aaaahhhh," says the doctor. "I see your problem. You have Zachery Disease - the worse case I have ever seen." "Oh no," exclaims Mojo. "What is that? Is it fatal?"

"No, no," replies the doctor. "Not fatal. Zachery Disease is when your face looks zachery like your ***."

Scene: Interior of an airplane. Jconte is sitting next to an obviously downcast Bob Hazlewood. Bob tries to take a sip of water but inadvertently throws the water into his own face.

JConte: Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was part of Gridiron Dynasty myself, software corps. I was rigging the game in favor of my Northern Iowa team late one night when they brought in a horribly screwed up piece of code from one of the WIS games. It could barely function at all. But that piece of code looked right at me and said "The odds of me working were against us out there, but I was rolled out anyway. I'm glad Bob Hazlewood and Guess Reports were around to give me half a chance. Hazlewood made the right decision." That piece of code's name was Gridiron Dynasty.

BHaz: Gridiron Dynasty said that?

JConte: Well, I was into some weird hallucogenic drugs back then, but I know this much. The last thing that piece of code said to me was "JConte, sometime when the GD coaches are up against it, and the '85 Bears couldn't stop a DIII team that throws to its FB from the I formation on 90% of the plays, tell them to go out there, and give it all they got, and win just one for the Gripper. I don't know where I'll be then JConte," he said, "but I won't be getting any help from customer support. That's for sure."

BHaz: Excuse me, JConte, I've got some code to write.

2Chair,  I love jokes about me. Had me laughing  .
                    spcbuzzard: I used to do that Exact same thing with tubifex worms(disgusting mass of live worms that come in small plastic container) when I sold them at a tropical fish store  for people to feed their fish.  One finger in the worms and another finger in the mouth. Most people were horrified. Good for a laugh when I explained  :)

Bringing this back because I'm very bored.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?







because he was told to "get a looooong little doggy".

"Groan".....

Man with the "50 Shades of Grey" attitude, goes out in search of Kinky Chick to hook up with. After checking his Gridiron Dynasty roster and setting game plans, he heads out for some Kinky fun. He meets a cool lady and has some drinks and shares his kinky perversions and gets a positive response. She was happy to learn that he was into putting a lot of effort and time into simulating fantasy expectations. After several shots of Patron they began arguing over who was the Kinkiest of the two. She invited him to her place for some debauchery and an answer to their debate. Later at her Penthouse, more drinks followed and she excused herself to prepare to impress him with her Kinktitude. While she was gone, he unzipped his backpack and unsheathed his tablet to check the 3am GD recruiting cycle. After that he relaxed and proceeded to prepare to impress her upon her return. She then emerged from the bedroom wearing a baby oil smeared, leather body suit, nipple clamps, edible underwear, and football helmet. She then restated her claim to being the Goddess of Kink. He admired her for a minute and proclaimed..... You Lose... I already **** in your purse........ (T-Rex)

Sean Connery: knock knock
Alex Trebek: who's there
Connery: moo
Trabek: moo who?
Connery: I forget the rest of th joke but your mothers a whore

I thought I'd dig up some old stuff for you. For those who are new and don't know, JConte was the original developer of GD. He set the standard for non-communication that the WIS staff continues to live up to today. snake_p was a prolific rabble-rouser who probably set a world record for being banned and/or blocked.

Interview with Triple Fake JConte
=========================================================================================
GUESS REPORTS (GR) : Thank you for joining us today, Triple Fake JConte. Should I call you "Triple" or "TFJ" or ?

TRIPLE FAKE JCONTE (JC) : Mr. JConte is fine.

GR: OK, Mr. JConte ...

JC: WHERE??

GR: Uhm, you're right in front of me.

JC: Oh, I thought my dad had walked into the room. Maybe you better just call me JConte.

GR: Great. Well, the first question on everyone's mind, of course, is,..

JC: First, though, let me say that I'm really honored to be talking to such a successful coach. You really understand the game engine, as evidenced by your outstanding number of National Championships.

GR: But, I've never won a National Championship.

JC: You mean you aren't Dingo Nelson?

GR: No.

JC: Oh. <long pause> I see. <longer pause> Well, I took a long lunch to do this interview, so we might as well keep going.

GR: Thanks. I think. As I started to say before, the first question on everyone's mind is ...

JC: He's not coming back.

GR: Who?

JC: Snake. Or was it Ginobili? No, it was definately Snake. He's not coming back.

GR: That wasn't what I was going to ask.

JC: Well, it would have been the first question on MY mind.

GR: Yeah, but everyone else wants to know about the new engine update.

JC: That? It was done a long time ago.

GR: Why didn't you announce that it was implemented?

JC: Two reasons. First, we'd have to do a stupid Developer's Conference, and some smart *** would ask about the blocking back or the tiebreaker formula. Second, and even more important, it's not been implemented.
GR: Why not?

JC: It's a little embarrasing really. I forgot my password on the GD Servers, so I can't publish the new code. I tried everything I could think of -- HBDSUX, HDizntGD, FoxSports666, everything I had ever used as a password, but none of them work.

GR: Maybe you should try NDBOX=notrelevant ?

JC: <laughs> Funny guy. <Pauses a moment, grabs his laptop and starts typing> Hmm. Imagine that.

GR: So does that mean we should see the update soon ?

JC: No, first it would need to go through our rigorous Quality Control process. But before that can happen, I need to document the process. And before THAT can happen, I would have to come up with it. Then hire my best Customer Service reps to do the testing.

GR: By "Best" you mean ...

JC: The guy that shows up to work with donuts.

GR: I see. Couldn't you just use the Coaches Council?

JC: Is that even still around? Besides, the only thing we use that for is to float bad information to the masses through plague and vhoward.

GR: I'm sure they will be happy to hear that.

JC: I'm not worried. It's not like they ever read this crap. Oops, gotta run. I'm playing the HBD developers in a game of "1 vs 100" this afternoon. Guess which side I'm on?

GR: Thanks for your time JConte.

JC: No, seriously, guess which side I'm on.

GR: The "1" side ?

JC: Ha! Fooled YOU. I'm on the "1" side.

GR: But that's what I said...

Another Interview with Triple Fake JConte
=========================================================================================
We sat down in a Bob's Big Boy restaurant in northern Cincinnati OH to meet with the Triple Fake JConte, developer of GridIron Dynasty on WhatIfSports.com, a wholly ignored subsidy of Fox Sports.

Bob Hazlewood (BH) : Thanks for meeting with me, I am sure you are quite busy now.

Triple Fake JConte (JC) : Yeah, I have more tickets than a rap singer with a suspended driver's license.

BH: I bet.

JC: More tickets than ddingo has championships. More tickets than the Octo-Mom has babies. More tickets than Cam Newton has unexplained bank deposits. More tickets than Notre Dame has National Championships in the last 20 years.

BH: Uhm, that last one wouldn't be all that many...

JC: Man oh man we have lots of tickets. But it has been WORTH it!

BH: How so?

JC: I accomplished what I set out to do. No more snake_p. He's finally gone.

BH: I thought you banned his id earlier this year?

JC: Yeah, but that was just one of his ID's. Everyone knows he had multiple ID's. He had more ID's than nelsonba25 has championships. More ID's than the Octo-Mom has babies. More ID's than -

BH: OK, we get it. Maybe you can explain what you mean about him being gone.

JC: Sure. As you know, we've been working on the new GD Engine for 10 years. Or something like that. A long time, anyway. Well we had it fixed, perfect. No bugs. Balanced running game, balanced passing game, a beautiful substitution interface, a new AC routine that actually made them helpful - a real thing of beauty. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.

BH: We don't have anything like that now though...

JC: I'm getting there, be patient. So we're all set to announce the new engine, when I start reading the message boards. And here's this snake guy, claiming we're going to dumb down the game. And that we want to get rid of all the old coaches and bring in new ones. And that President Obama was a better president than William Henry Harrison. Man, that guy boils my blood!

BH: Snake?

JC: No, William Henry Harrison. That whole "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" thing. They were SO unfair to Martin Van Buren.

BH: I don't see how...

JC: OK, so I am reading all this stuff and I say to myself, "JConte you have to get rid of this guy"

BH: You call yourself JConte?

JC: Sure, why not. It's easier to remember than "Joe". Anyway, I decide to get rid of this guy for once and all. But I can't just ban his ID, because everyone knows he has hundreds of ID's. I exposed that myself when I pointed out that he had ID's for every team in Camp D3 at the time. So then it hits me - if I make the game SO BAD that everyone leaves, then snake will be gone too!

BH: Isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

JC: <puzzled look> Why would you throw out bathwater? Just pull the stopper and let it run down the drain.

BH: It's a cliche. OK, so you basically ruined the game to get rid of snake?

JC: You can't believe how hard that was. I would break the FG logic, and the penalties were coming out right. Then I'd nerf the running game, and Clock Management started working again. It's crazy how hard it is to totally break something. I started with simple code like "If coach = SimAI then result =WIN" but it kept crashing when we found human coaches that were worse than SimAI. So then I thought about multiplying all the player attributes by negative one, and that worked for a while, but it just wasn't bad enough. So we finally hired brought in the folks who designed Fox Sports fantasy football, and that did it - one messed up game.

BH: Wow. I don't know what to say.

JC: I've got some regrets about it though. First, it really ticked off the coaches council. I really value the opinions of guys like dingo415, buckihoward, coyotedad, scotthoward, plagueso14. And you, of course.

BH: But I'm not on the council.

JC: Sure you are. I invited you months ago. Or I meant to invite you. Maybe I just overlooked it. Oh well, I had intended to invite you. And you know what they say, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

BH: I don't get what that means...

JC: Me either, but it's the only cliche I could think of that had the word "intentions" in it.

BH: Right. Ok, and the second thing?

JC: What second thing?

BH: You said before that you had regrets, and started off "First..." which logically leads to a second thing.

JC: Hmmm. Nope, can't think of any.

BH: Aren't you worried that all the old coaches leaving will make the game an empty shell?

JC: Nope, we gave every person on the internet that doesn't play GD a free 20-pack of seasons. They will join and become the new user base.

BH: What if they read all the uproar in the forums and decide not to stay either?

JC: <broad smile> They won't. See, I wrote some code that says if they sign in with an ID not in use before the update, all they see are messages posted by hughesjr. Brilliant code, if I do say so.

BH: But what if snake gets a bunch of those ID's? Then you will have ruined the game for nothing.

JC: <Slowly a look of horror spreads across his face. Quickly he grabs his cell phone and makes a call.> "Tom Zentmeyer please. Yes, I'll hold.... TOM! Stop today's update! We can't afford to fix the game yet. Snake might still be around. No, no, I'll explain once I get back to the office." <turns back to me> Look, I gotta run. I'm sure you can fix this restaurant tab for me...."

BH: What makes you think that?

JC: Bob's Big Boy. Bob Hazlewood. DUH. Gotta run. Toodles. Love the GUESS reports, I click on an ad every time I visit.

BH: Uh, thanks.....

Triple Fake JConte Exit Interview
=========================================================================================
Joe Conte knocks on the door and enters, to find a beautiful woman sitting behind the desk. "This must be my lucky day" he mutters. "Please come in and sit down Mr. Conte," she says in a voice eerily similar to Marge Simpson. "Or not," sighs Joe.

"Mr.Conte, my name is Georgia Brown, and I am your Fox Sports HR Representative. If you start whistling the Harlem Globetrotters theme song, I shall be forced to throw a paperweight at your head," says the woman. Joe, who was about to do that very thing, stops and nods his head. "Last time I was in Cincinnati I nearly had a fist fight with some guy named Tarik, who thought he was some kind of smart ***," she continued. She starts looking through the papers in a folder on the desk. "It says here that you are leaving our company. Now why would anyone want to leave a fine organization like Fox Sports?"

Joe clears his throat. "You want complete honesty, right?" he asks.

"Of course we do, Mr. Conte," says Ms Brown, frowning at Joe. "Do you not normally conduct yourself with honesty and integrity?" She writes a note on one of the papers. "Here at Fox Sports, unlike the News Division, honesty and integrity are primary values."

JC: "I just don't want to make a lot of waves on my way out. I've been at WhatIfSports for seven years now, and..."

GB: "WhatIfSports? This is FOX Sports, Mr. Conte. I have never heard of any WHAT IF Sports."

JC: "We're a division of Fox Sports. You bought us several years ago."

Ms Brown rolls her eyes. "I'm an HR representative at Fox Sports, Mr Conte. I would certainly know of any acquisitions that we cared about. Enough kidding around. What is your position here at Fox Sports?"

JC: "I'm the lead developer for GridIron Dynasty. It's a computer game."

GB with a puzzled look: "You work on a game about a waffle house? Like Diner Dash? What has that got to do with Sports?"

JC: "No, it's a college football simulation."

GB: "Then why don't you call it 'College Football Dynasty'?" <she shakes her head> "It's no wonder some divisions are losing money hand over fist... anyway, so you spend all your time writing programs for this 'Ground Iron Dynasty?"

JC: "Grid Iron Dynasty. Actually, I spent most of my time working on other programs like Hardball Dynasty and Hoops Dynasty. Baseball and Basketball games" he adds quickly.

GB: "So you spent most of your time doing something besides what you were being paid for? Now I understand why you are being fired."

JC: "That wasn't my choice. And I'm not being fired, I am quitting."

GB: "We don't like quitters here at Fox Sports, Mr, Conte" She scribbles more notes onto the paper. "Hmm... dishonest, doesn't do his job, quitter. If you don't change your attitude pretty quick Mr, Conte, your career at Fox Sports will be short-lived."

JC: "I'm already leaving!"

GB: "There's no need to raise your voice, Mr. Conte," She makes another note "Rude. Combative. Doesn't take advice. Anything else you want to add about your time here, Mr. Conte?"

Joe sighs. "I guess not," he says.

GB: "Good. Now, have you thoroughly trained your replacement?"

JC: "They didn't name my replacement. They asked for volunteers, but one look at the GD forums and everyone backed away from the job..
GB: "Is that a YES, or a NO Mr Conte?"

JC: "Well, I guess that's a no."

Ms Brown makes more notes. "Uncooperative. Will not delegate or mentor." She looks at her papers and shakes her head. "I suppose I should thank you for your time Mr Conte, but I'm afraid I cannot recommend that Fox Sports offer you a position,"

Joe stares at her for a minute, then slowly begins to chuckle. "You know Ms Brown, that might be the best news I've had this year." He stands up and heads out the door. "Tell Joe Buck I said hello."

Ms Brown places her papers neatly back into the folder. "I never WILL understand computer geeks. Oh well, with that interview done, I have some extra time to balance my checkbook. Just need to find a computer.... ah this one appears to be doing nothing other than running a bunch of jibberish on the screen... Rockne, Camp, Bryant ... who know what any of that stuff means? I'll just hit control-C to stop this thing... let's see, where is the Excel icon?"