Greatest GD Thread in the History of WIS GD Topic

I anxiously await my "wodka ration".
11/30/2013 3:57 PM
There is a Scottish proverb that says it all .

"  Hang a thief when he's young an he'll no steal when he's auld ."
11/30/2013 5:47 PM
Posted by citizenkane on 11/30/2013 1:58:00 PM (view original):
Posted by moreron on 11/30/2013 1:33:00 PM (view original):
47 percent of the coaches on this thread will keep playing GD no matter what. They are dependent upon GD and believe they are victims. They believe that a working 3.0 is an entitlement. All Oriole needs to fix this thing is full folders of women.
Free The Pit!
I think you meant Free the Mitt.
11/30/2013 8:55 PM
Oriole:  I know what you're thinking, Hazelwood. You're thinking "did he program six talent buckets or only five?" Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a WIS Product, the most powerful remaining vestige of jconte in the world and will never work right despite my best attempts, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, Hazelwood?
12/1/2013 12:30 PM

An exclusive behind the scenes look at an un-named wholly-ignored division of Fox Sports.:

Sr Exec#1 - OK, let's look at all our products.  All of them seem to be performing adequately, but I'm sure we can improve.  Ideas?

Jr Exec#1 - Well our speedboat racing game is growing fast - much faster than our handball game, which is actually losing customers.

Sr Exec#2 - Kill the speedboat game.  It is obviously taking customer away from handball, and we can't have that.

Jr Exec#2 - I think our games are stagnant. We should announce new upgrades.

Programmer #1 - But we haven't delivered on our previously announced upgrades yet...

Sr Exec #1 - That's negative thinking, Programmer.  We're going to have to cut your development budget for that.

Programmer #1 - How is that supposed to help things?

Jr Exec #1 - Hmm,. not a team player Programmer #1?  We'll have to cut your staff too.  Programmer #2, you are fired.

<A short period of silence ensues, as it dawns on everyone that there IS NO Programmer #2.>

Sr. Exec #1 - Wow, all that decision making makes me hungry.  Receptionist, please call Steak-Fil-A and have them deliver Champagne and Filet Mignon for everyone.  Except you, of course.

Jr Exec #3 - Sir, shouldn't we try to save money on lunch?  Then we could put that money into training for our Customer Service Reps.

Sr Exec #1 - Good Idea.  Receptionist, change thatorder to Champagne and Filet Mignon for everyone except you and Jr. Exec #3.  He's being re-assigned to the Customer Service desk.

Jr Exec #3 - But I don't know anything about the games, and we already have enough Customer Service Reps.

Sr Exec #2 - Excellent point.  CSR #1, you are fired to make room for former Jr Exec #3.

Jr Exec #3 - Wasn't CSR #1 our best trained and most knowledgable CSR? 

Sr Exec #1 - In these tough times, we all have to tighten our belts.  Where's my Filet Mignon?

Receptionist - Pardon the interruption, but the
 GUESS Reports have been posted.

Sr Exec #1 - Fantastic!  Meeting Adjourned!  How does Notre Dame look this season, Programmer #2?  Er, I mean #1.

Programmer #1 - Preason Ranked #1, just like it's coded into the Sim, sir.

12/1/2013 4:42 PM
Good time to bring up this thread, which had limericks starting on page 7 that were quite brilliant. It will have to take a back seat as far as my favorite thread goes now that this one exists however.
12/1/2013 5:37 PM
Part 1 of the ChairTrek 3 - the Search for BHaz:

From ChairTrek 3 - The Search For BHaz

{2chair sitting in the Captain's cabin with a Vulcan man. We hear 2chair's voice}

Captain's log, Stardate 50touchespergame.whydoesn'tthedefensekeyonthatguy: After the tragic death of BHaz, I am meeting with his father, snake_p, who seems
insistent that BHaz is not really dead.

2chair: He's {clenches fists} DEAD {unclenches fists}. He died - RIGHT THERE. I saw - him - DIE. I've never known anyone - so - ....

snake_p: - if you say "human," I'm going to set my phaser to "tape your mouth shut" and kick you on the balls.

2chair: Oh! Since when are Vulcans so -

snake_p: - if you say "inhumane," I'm going to dump you head first into your toilet and give you a swirlie. I've decided that the average earthling has the IQ of a cabbage.

2chair: snake_p, you're grieving! {slaps communicator on chest} BBBBOOOOOONNNNNEEEESSSSS!

{voice from communicator} If you want to talk to hot, sexy women {2chair frantically slaps communicator to shut voice off}

snake_p: Like I said. Look, BHaz would never have risked contamination and death from the GD3 virus without leaving his life essence safe within somebody. Have you noticed any odd behavior among your crew?

2chair: Define "odd."

snake_p: {sighing}: You spoke to BHaz last, Did he touch you and say "remember"?

2chair: He - couldn't {clenches fists} - MOVE. {slaps communicator} uh, Bones?

polabones: I'm sitting right here, dumbass. {camera pans back to reveal Bones is in the room}.

2chair: BOOOOOONNNNNNEEEESSSS! Why. Didn't. You. Allow. BHaz. To. Move?

polabones: Dammit, 2chair! I'm a doctor not a puppet master!!

snake_p: ENOUGH! I've seen better acting in a first grade play! You said BHaz isolated a living virus onto a memory stick. He must have preserved his spirit there! BHaz would have found a way!! Where's the memory stick?

polabones: 2chair! Arfy would have taken it! They store all their *not* - well, never mind about that. Call Arfy!

{2chair slaps communicator}: Arfy!

Arfy {over communicator} Oh for the love of St. Andrew ye blabbering baboon! Ye said ye'd not call us for three days! I cannae promise there won't be a mutiny, ye dafty bampot.

polabones: Arfy! It's about BHaz! Where's the memory stick that BHaz stored the GD3 virus on?

Arfy: memory stick? What - oh. mojolad grabbed it and ran.

2chair: Bring. mojolad. To. The. Conference. Room. Now!

{scene change: 2chair, snake_p, polabones are seated in conference room along with harrisbw30 who is wearing a Solidarnösc T shirt and reading "A Moron's Guide To Distilling Star Fleet Latrine Wodka}."

2chair: Arfy and mojolad aren't here. Yet.

polabones and snake_p: No kidding.

{from outside we hear voices arguing. The door opens and Arfy is dragging mojolad into the conference room. Behind them is Nurse Chapel. Like Uhuru, she is nowhere near as hot as you remember}.

mojolad: No! I'm wearing a red shirt, and I work security! After I go nscreen!!I'm going to get blown away like James Caan in a toll booth!

Arfy: Aw, quit crying ye petal pushing twally! {turns to Nurse Chapel} Jag him up with truth serum will ye lassy?

Jc1796/nurse chapel: DAMMIT! I'm a man!! You want to come after me for dressing like a nurse in a Skinemax late night special, come after me! Write something about me! I'm a man!!! I can take it! DAMMIT! I'm a man!!!

snake_p: The decision to cast jc1796 as Nurse Chapel was most - illogical {turns to mojolad} Where is the memory stick BHaz was using?

mojolad: Uh, I was, uh, I mean, uh Arfy told me to, uh, I mean, uh, no comment.

2chair: Dammit, mojolad! Be a man! Like Nurse Chapel over there! Be a man!

mojolad: I'd rather not say anything.

2chair: {clenches fists} you've got to answer! I will use Harsh. Interrogation. Methods. {unclenches fists}

polabones: 2chair! No! You can't do that! This isn't a Siberian gulag!

harriswb30: hey! I grew up in Siberian Gulag. Not so bad once you get used to East German Kartoffel Krap wodka.

2chair: mojolad! Talk! Or - I will paralyze you, place headphones on your head, and.... make you listen to Barry Manilow music!

polabones: 2chair! No! Who do you think you are? Joseph Stalin?

harriswb30: Stalin never did that! Perhaps he should have.

mojolad: OK! I will talk! I...was going to download some uh - not porn into it. But...

snake_p: You deleted my son's living spirit because you wanted to download -

mojolad: No! No! No! It didn't work.

snake_p: Did you see any sign of BHaz on there????

mojolad: uuuhhhhhh, oh, yeah! There was like this, like, weird 3D thing that looked like BHaz that said something about not shooting his corpse into space and that he could easily be restored if we did something or other. I mean, it was no big deal.

snake_p: you are going to spend the rest of your short, pitiful life getting rectal exams from angry Klingons - after you tell me what you haven't told me.

mojolad: uuuhhh, well, there was something about the only thing that could go wrong is if mojolad saw this. "He's dumber than a bag of moon rocks," was BHaz's quote. Something like that.

Arfy: We've been tryin' to tell ye that Captain -


mojolad: Oh, sure. I think it's this one {removes memory stick from pocket}, or this one {removes another memory stick from pocket} or one of these {empties several dozen memory sticks onto table}.

2chair: Mojo. Lad. Go. Outside. Set. Your. Phaser. To. Self. Destruct.

mojolad: Ok. (walks into hall. Door closes.}

harrisbw30: Let's watch this one. {puts memory stick into computer. snake_p leans forward in anticipation. Hall door opens, and mojolad sticks his head inside}

mojolad: Captain? What setting is it for my phaser again?

2chair: Self. Destruct.

mojolad: OK. {hall door shuts. From hallway, we hear loud emergency tone, followed by an explosion and a thump which is, presumably, mojolad's corpse falling to the floor}.

snake_p: {looking at computer monitor and shaking his head} Your decision to watch Baywatch right now is illogical. Most. Illogical.

2chair. I can't believe they think {clenches fists} Michael Hasselhof is better looking than I am {unclenches fists}.



Arfy: {without taking eyes from computer screen} Look for one marked "not BHaz." {snake_p finds the memory stick}.

snake_p: Am I correct in my assumption that you already shot my son's corpse into space?

2chair: Huh? Oh. Yeah. We shot it towards South Beach. Caesari/Uhuru insisted on it.



2chair: Chill out snake_p. Geez. This is my favorite - uh oh. Gentlemen, we need to clear out, and, uh, man our stations, uh...I... uh, my dog just {clenches fists} Cut. One. {unclenches fists. All run towards hall door}

polabones: Dammit 2chair! We're on a spaceship! We can't open the windows!

Arfy: gonnae no dae that ye honkin goon.
12/1/2013 7:26 PM
And now, part 2 of ChairTrek 3 - The Search for BHaz

{Scene change - 2chair, snake_p, polabones, Arfy, harriswb30, jc1796/nurse chapel all rush onto the bridge where caesari/Uhuru is sitting in citizenkane's lap. Upon seeing everyone, caesari/Uhuru jumps up}.

caesari/Uhuru: {normal voice} Uh, just giving {clears throat - now in falsetto voice} passing along orders to citizenkane, captain.

2chair: Dammit caesari/Uhuru! You're wearing a short dress! {clenches fists} You've. Got. To. Shave. Your. Legs! {turns to citizenkane} citizenkane! Lay in a course for South Beach, Miami!

citizenkane: {blushing} Uh, in a happy coincidence, captain, we are already, uh, headed on that course. Orders from uh -

caesari/Uhuru: {falsetto voice} from Star Fleet. Just came in.

2chair {spins quickly} Arfy! Put a tractor beam on BHaz's coffin! And beam it - HERE!

Arfy: I'm already doin' it ye blootered dunderhead! Ye need to shet yer piehole ye minger!

2chair: BOOOOONNNNNNEEEESSSSSS!!!! What does Arfy mean?

snake_p: He means that if you don't shut up, you will spend the rest of your life shoveling elephant poop in a Cambodian prison. {BHaz's coffin is beamed on to the bridge. The coffin is emblazoned with a Guess Reports Logo}

snake_p: BHaz! {uses Vulcan pinch grip to open coffin revealing BHaz inside. Fortunately, BHaz was not embalmed or cremated, nor has his body deteriorated in any way. While physically impossible, the plot would be ruined otherwise}.

snake_p: Now if I can place this memory stick in his hand, while placing my hand around his hand, I can do some badass Vulcan stuff and bring BHaz back to life. {snake_p focuses intently on bringing BHaz back to life. Everyone else watches - except caesari/Uhuru who is sitting in his chair and facing citizenkane. He is checking out caesari/Uhuru and winks}

snake_p: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!! It's not working - something is missing!

2chair: BOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEESSSSSS!!! Do something! We. Must. Bring. BHaz. Back.

polabones: DAMMIT 2CHAIR! I'M A DOCTOR - NOT A - ah, crap. I keep forgetting I have to handle medical emergencies. {Runs to BHaz's corpse and grabs it. He begins slapping BHaz's face} DAMMIT BHaz!! You have to live! We can't do this without you!! If you aren't around, it means more lines for 2chair in the next sequel!!!! {begins violently rocking BHaz's corpse and slamming his head against the floor} DAMMIT BHAZ!! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN T.J. HOOKER!! YOU'VE GOT TO LIVE!!!

snake_p: It's not working! You're killing him!! Or, well, if he weren't already - it's not working!!

jc1796: DAMMIT! I'm a man! You want to slap somebody around?? Slap me around!! I'm 40! I'm a man!!! I can take it!
caesari: {regular voice} WAIT! {clears throat - falsetto voice}: Wait! I am clicking on the ad banners at! Maybe that's the missing link!

snake_p: Stop beating him - wait - I think I felt a faint pulse!

2chair: EVERY.ONE. Get your handheld device, quit watching Baywatch and click on the ad banners! It. May. Be. Our. Only. Chance.

Arfy: We've already started doin' it ye dobby scunner! {Everyone on the bridge frantically begins clicking on the ad banners at}

polabones: I'm feeling a pulse - his breathing is shallow - COME ON, BHAZ!!

Arfy: Aw, shite! This mingin poo of a webserver crashed! What a honkin' heid-the-baw!

snake_p: Can you hear me son? Can you hear me?

{After a few seconds of silence, BHaz opens an eye. He sees 2chair's face and stares at 2chair for a long moment}

BHaz: I used to call you........................... .............. ......... bucketass.

{All the humans (except 2chair) erupt with cheers}

Arfy: BHaz nae was a dunderhead!!

snake_p: A most logical nickname, son. On planet Vulcan, we refer to him as 'Captain ButtPlanet.'

BHaz: Logic dictates I use that nickname henceforth.


12/1/2013 7:29 PM
12/1/2013 8:04 PM
12/1/2013 8:19 PM
The dictionary of Scottish slang was a big help. Arfy shouldn't be allowed to hog all those good lines though.
12/1/2013 8:36 PM
Congratulations....I now spend more time on this thread than I do actually trying to figure out how to make this engine work!
12/1/2013 10:40 PM
Posted by harriswb3 on 12/1/2013 10:40:00 PM (view original):
Congratulations....I now spend more time on this thread than I do actually trying to figure out how to make this engine work!
That's been my issue with GD since the beginning.
12/1/2013 11:20 PM
I'm laughing my @$$ off!
12/2/2013 8:45 PM
I may write a "Kane Kronicles". I'd love for it to be focused around the actual movie Citizen Kane. How many of you have seen this? Am I the only 22-year-old that has?
12/2/2013 8:47 PM
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