KANE KRONICLES (PART I)
In a dark room, Citizen Charles Foster Kane lies on his death bed holding his laptop in hand. He scrolls down on the page and as he does so, he murmurs, “Gee...Dee.” The laptop falls to the ground and crashes, the screen breaks into pieces, keys fly across the room. The door opens and the housekeeper walks in...
Arfy: Mr. Kane...Mr Kane...Mr. Kane! Oh my God! Mr. Kane! Arfy shakes Citizen Kane. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY!!!!!! IS THERE NO GOD!?!?!
A much younger Charles Kane sits in front of a television playing the latest edition of Madden.
Younger Kane: Yes! I won! I'm the best to ever play this game.
The house cat meows and rubs against Kane's back before walking off to take a **** in the corner behind the couch. (The damned cat never used that litter box.) Kane's parents stand in the kitchen discussing.
Kane's Mother: We must do something. He has already mastered Madden. Whatifsports released it's 2.0 version of GridIron dynasty, but he refuses to play. He has 8 seasons left on his Anderson(IN) team and if he doesn't start recruiting his assistant coach is going to make his team turn to a worthless hunk of ****.
Kane's Father: He did so well with version 1.0. He nearly averaged 600 a game rushing on the ground, but he told me he was sick of losing games on a missed PAT. 2.0 was supposed to be the cream of the crop. What ever happened?
Kane's Mother: That motherf****r, Jconte ruined it all. He started taking away reward points. Made it nearly impossible to budget during recruiting by only returning 25% of the budget not used. I'm glad that socialist SOB was replaced by Norbert. Maybe version 3.0 will be released now and get our son hooked back in.
Kane's Father: I'll call Bhaz in the morning and get him set up with some sort of mentor to help his development.
The next morning...
Kane's Father: Son, I'm sending you to Cincinnati to train with the best GD coaches, Slider and Nelsonba. They will be here to get you in this afternoon. Have you checked the latest GUESS recruiting rankings?
Younger Kane: Recruiting already ended?!?! How am I ever going to get rid of the AC signed players.?
Kane's Father: Rescind the scholarships of course.
Younger Kane: But you're only allowed three a season! This was a class of 22! He logs on to check the rankings.
Kane's Father: The WCAA ranked you number two!
Younger Kane: That ranking means jack-****. It's only based on the number of recruits you signed. Only the newb coaches, like JFootball88 and Rlslmshdy, don't know that. LOOK! I'm ranked #198! AAARGHHH. Damn you Assistant Coach!
Kane has a new sitemail from Chetty. It reads:
I would like to, on behalf of myself, and the other A10 coaches, invite you to compete with us in our conference-the greatest in DIAA in Yost. Please take the time to reviews our history, we have many teams available, and with a great coach with your prestige, potential, 80% win rate, and history of quick turn arounds we know you will help to make us even more competitive.
END OF PART I.