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Chasing GD
{Camera shows a dimly lit bar near the wharves of Vladivostok at night. The bar is named harrisbw30 Wodka Joint. A slogan beneath the sign reads "Where The Men Are Men And So Are The Women." It does not seem to be a popular place with the longshoremen or sailors. The camera takes the viewer inside where we see "Silent Bob" Hazlewood slumped in a booth drinking coffee. He seems to be ignoring his friend mojolad who is doing all of the talking. Behind the bar is harrisbw30 wearing a retro Star Trek T shirt. Sitting at a piano, caesari and citizenkane are playing a duet of something which vaguely sounds like Elton John's song "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Nobody pays much attention when Arfy walks inside and steps up to the bar.}
harriswb30: yeah?
Arfy: A shot of your best stuff. And another round for Silent Bob and mojolad.
{harriswb30 pours three shots and puts them on the bar in front of Arfy}. Ten dollars. I do not take rubles. Or whatever Russian currency is now. I do not know what it is even.
Arfy: {throws a ten on the bar and picks up the shots}: Keep the change. {he walks to the table where Silent Bob and mojolad are sitting. mojolad is bragging about his "Kama Suture" and "Tantrum" sexual prowess. He stops when he and Silent Bob see Arfy}.
Arfy: Gentlemen! Have a round on me! {All three drink their shot. Silent Bob shows no reaction. Arfy and mojolad both gag. Arfy turns towards harriswb30} Where did you make this stuff? A latrine?
harriswb30: Uuuuhhhhhhh, ancient Chinese secret. Distilled with finest ..... stuff.
mojolad: Yo, man, we're like in Russia dude. Chinese totally don't make vodka.
harriswb30: uuuuhhh, I am from part of Russia on Chinese border. We share recipes across border.
Arfy: Can I get some water?
harriswb30: What you think this is? Beauty parlor. All I have is wodka.
Arfy: Ok, ok, just bring a different type of wod - vodka. {Turns to Silent Bob} Are you ready for the interview about GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: Which will be remembered as a turning point in the history of GD 3.0 where the engine was explained, and people referring to this interview and who clicked on the ad banners at
guess.gdreports.com would understand how to win?
Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: OK, great. Let's get started! What a coup this will be for me!
{harriswb30 brings three shots. Arfy gives him another $10.00. All three men drink the shots. Silent Bob shows no reaction to the shot. The other two spit the wodka back in the glass}.
mojolad: It tastes like rat ****!
harrisbw30:{thinks a moment} Uuuuuhhhh, is not RAT ****.
Arfy: Let's get this interview done before he tries to sell us anything to eat. Bob, how do you like GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}
Arfy: Uh, do you like it better than 2.0?
Silent Bob: {nods head}
Arfy: Better than 1.0?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: Feel free to give a, you know, verbal response to these questions.
Silent Bob: {nods}
mojolad: Why don't you interview me? I can tell you about the engine. I had a jacked up Corvette once -
Arfy: {ignoring mojolad}: Can you identify any key points about GD 3.0 which every owner should know and understand?
Silent Bob: {shrugs - then shakes head}
Arfy: Are you even planning to say anything?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}
{Door opens and 2chair walks in holding a magazine. He orders a shot for which he pays $10.00 and tips harriswb30 $10.00. Drinks the shot}
2chair: I love this stuff! Love it!
Arfy: Hey, can we get three shots, make that four shots of whatever 2chair was just drinking?
{2chair comes and sits down with the other three. caesari and citizenkane are now playing something which might be "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." harriswb30 brings four shots and charges $10.00 for all four. Arfy pays and tells harriswb30 to keep the change. 2chair does not wonder why four shots were $10.00, and his one shot was $10.00}
2chair: I came over here to read my latest reviews. But first, let's drink a toast to another critical success! {Raises shot glass; they all drink. Even Silent Bob winces a bit. mojolad and Arfy discreetly dump the shots on the floor}: God, I love this stuff! Best wodka in the world! {opens paper} OK, here are the reviews. {reads} Hhhhhmmmm.....this one says that "2chair's writing made me reconsider whether mankind should have developed the ability to write in the first place." Another says "dialogue so bad, I bet 2chair could strike out in a whorehouse." Another just wrote "BarfTrek Ad Nauseum."
Silent Bob: {nods}{vigorously}
2chair: These gentlemen have an unorthodox way of saying that I am the greatest writer, actor, director and artist in the history of the world.
Silent Bob: {rolls eyes}
mojolad: {starts to speak but Arfy and Silent Bob kick mojolad under the table}
2chair: Well, gentlemen, I must be off to read and answer my fan mail. {stands} Barkeep! Another round for these three! On me! Here's a $20.00.
harriswb30: three shots is $40.00.
2chair: Oh! Sorry. Here's a $50.00! keep the change! {exits}
mojolad: Why couldn't he be Silent Bob?
Arfy: Let's see if we can finish the interview before - {harriswb30 brings shots} - never mind. {shots remain on table}. OK, how do you like the user interface on GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}
Arfy: Anything to tell us about gameplanning? Recruiting?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: You do know, don't you, that it's customary for a person being interviewed to - say something????
Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: Did you bring any written materials I could use to have some kind of response?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: Why did I even come here? This is ridiculous!!!
Silent Bob: {shrugs}
Arfy: One last try - is there anything - anything at all - that you would like to share with GD 3.0 coaches which might be helpful?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: {slams pen onto table in disgust} This was nuts! Why did I even come here? Neither of you has any future in GD 3.0! {stands and starts to leave}
Silent Bob: You're chasing GD.
Arfy: What?
Silent Bob: You're chasing GD.
mojolad: See, this silent routine makes people listen as though he actually has something to say. What a pile of crap.
Silent Bob {to mojolad}: All you do is yap yap yap. You're giving me a bigger headache than this vodka. Just shutup for once. {turns to Arfy} I went through something like this a couple of years ago.
Arfy: {sits down and turns on tape recorder}: Great! Let's hear it!
Silent Bob: It was something I went through professionally a couple of years ago. When I say "partner," I just mean "business partner," okay? {points at caesari and citizenkane who are playing what might be "Yellow Brick Road"} I'm not like those two. Allright?
Arfy: Sure.
mojolad: You had a partner? How come I didn't know about this? Just a couple of years ago?
Silent Bob: Dude, the stuff you don't know about me would fill 50,000 terabytes of storage space. Did you ever know I was a dancer in Las Vegas?
mojolad: whoa. Awesome.
Silent Bob: Anyway, I had this business partner a couple of years ago. We were like Picard and Number One, Frodo and Sam. All the code we wrote was just kickass like reading Dune for the first time, you know? So we are looking at making even more cash than I made as a stripper in Vegas, but after four months, the idiot gear kicks in. I want to hear about some of his old jobs. You know how it is, I don't want to know, but I have to know, you know what I mean?
Arfy: {shakes head}
Silent Bob: {hands Arfy a shot} Drink that, and it will make sense. OK, so I ask this guy about his prior job, and he tells me that used to work for Microsoft. And he totally agreed with Microsoft being a monopoly and protecting their code and all that monopoly junk they did. So I am like totally freaked out by this. I mean, I was raised Catholic, right?
mojolad: St. ClickOnTheBanner.
Silent Bob: Did you not hear me say shutup? So I am totally wierded out by this, right? And I just go off on him. I mean totally. I called him a Romulan and an Uruk Hai, I'm really out for blood right? And he is all like I don't need to apologize because of all the code writing skills I learned, and it was the right thing at that time for me, and he's moved on now, so why apologize? He acts like he did nothing wrong. So then I lose it, and I tell him it's over. I walked out. Just like that.
mojolad: Damn right! Booyeah!!!!!!!
Silent Bob: No, you moron. It was a mistake. I felt small at that moment because I never worked for a big famous company and felt inadequate or lacked experience. A moment of insecurity because I never sucked at the teat of some big corporation. But what I did not get at the time is that he was not looking for me to be that company, Microsoft, he had moved on and wanted to be partners - business partners - with Bob. But by the time I realized it, he had moved on again. All I had to show for it was some foolish pride which later gave way to regret. I know now that he and I would have been terrific business partners. But I pushed him away. So since then, {drinks a shot}, I've been chasing GD. So to speak.
{long pause}
Arfy: So - can you explain what that story has to do with GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: Does it have anything to do with GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}
mojolad: Can you believe this junk? He sits there doing and saying nothing all day, tells some bullcrap story, and now he's like some big freakin' guru or something?
Arfy: {shaking head, leans back in booth and looks at Silent Bob for a long moment. Then points at mojolad} Is he always this annoying?
Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: At least you don't have to hang around with 2chair all day.
Silent Bob: {laughs and nods}
Arfy: {stands to leave}
caesari: Hey, where are you going? citizenkane is going to play "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues", and I'm going to dance!
Arfy, mojolad and Silent Bob: {exit hurriedly}