Greatest GD Thread in the History of WIS GD Topic

                    Truly, some of this stuff is Legendary !!  You ought to ask customer service to pin it to the top of GD forum.   I would recommend someone copying this thread and actually publishing it except outside of the GD community nobody would get most of the references or usernames.

12/6/2013 2:36 AM
I yield the floor to the gentleman from WIS GD, 2chair.
12/6/2013 6:50 AM
Dammit! I'm a man! You want show the incompetence which is inherent in the system, show it to me! I'm a man! I can take it! I'm 45-54!
12/6/2013 7:58 AM
12/6/2013 12:29 PM
Oriole as Jim Mora: In my opinion 2.0 sucked! It was a disgraceful engine!...What's that? Stamina? Stamina?!?! You're talkin' 'bout stamina?!?! We're just tryna fix missed tackles by Tackler!
12/6/2013 1:55 PM
I'm having real trouble picking out good scenes for this... Although i do have one in the works. I may have to make it my finale, these are taking too much time at work. LOL
12/7/2013 1:00 AM
  Can I suggest using one or more of these for scenes: The Princess Bride ,  The Song of Hiawatha , A Geico Commercial.
12/7/2013 12:28 PM
mojo - so maybe not from your list - and the scene may be a little altered - but try this:

{Scene opens – an underground, cement walled laboratory, very secure looking and impenetrable}

{A group walks into the room and close the heavy door – bhazelwood, noah and dublinuf all blink and attempt to orient themselves. They look up at a wall with calculations and formation diagrams and studies them for a moment.}

bhaz: Gee, the lack of humility before simulation football that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me.

norbert: Well thank you, bhaz, but I think things are a little bit different then you and I had feared...

bhaz: Yeah, I know. They're a lot worse.

oriole : Now, wait a second now, we haven't even seen the beta...

Norbert : No, no, oriole, oriole, oriole... let him talk. There's no reason... I want to hear every viewpoint, I really do.

bhaz: Don't you see the danger, norbert, inherent in what you're doing here? Football power is the most awesome force the planet's ever seen, but you wield it like a kid that's found his dad's secret folder marked "Not Porn".

oriole: It's hardly appropriate to start hurling generalizations...

bhaz: If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the football power that you're using here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of other programmers to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you believed you tested it, and you re-packaged it, and slapped it into the GD website, and now

[bangs on the table]

bhaz: you're selling it, you wanna sell it. Well...

norbert : I don't think you're giving us our due credit. Our programmers have done things which nobody's ever done before...

bhaz: Yeah, yeah, but your programmers were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.

Norbert: Field hockey games. Field hockey games are on the verge of extinction...

bhaz: [shaking his head] No...

norbert: If I was to create a field hockey game on this website, you wouldn't have anything to say.

bhaz: No, hold on. This isn't some game that was obliterated by being isolated to New England girls schools and sub-Himilayan post imperialist national pastimes. Some of these small Olympic sports had their shot, and the sports fanatics of the world selected them for extinction.

norbert: I simply don't understand this attitude, especially from a website developer. I mean, how can we stand in the light of this advancement, and not act?

bhaz: What's so great about this advancement? It's a violent, penetrative act that scars what it explores. What you call advancement, I call the rape of the football simulation world.

noah: Well, the question is, how can you know anything about an expanding coding language? And therefore, how could you ever assume that you can control it? I mean, you have running back positions in these depth charts that indicate specific abilities, you picked them because they look good, but these are positions that have no idea what formation they're in, and they'll gain yardage for themselves, violently if necessary.

norbert: dublinuf, if there's one person here who could appreciate what I'm trying to do...

dubs: The game has just changed so radically, and we're all running to catch passes.. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but look... Programmers and GD coaches, two species separated by 65 million years of evolution have just been suddenly thrown back into the mix together. How can we possibly have the slightest idea what to expect?

norbert: [laughing] I don't believe it. I don't believe it! You're meant to come down here and defend me against these characters, and the only one I've got on my side is this blood-sucking programmer!

oriole: Thank you.

bhaz: norbert, the kind of control you're attempting simply is... it's not possible. If there is one thing the history of football simulation has taught us it's that football innovation will not be contained. Passing and running breaks free, it expands to new formations and crashes through divisions, cleverly, maybe even with improved vision, but, uh... well, there it is.

norbert: [sardonically] There it is.

oriole: You're implying that a group composed entirely of simulation football coaches will... cheat?

bhaz: No, I'm, I'm simply saying that football, uh... finds a way.

12/7/2013 10:15 PM (edited)
   Read it word for word. Not bad Katz.  Certainly better than I could do.
12/7/2013 8:00 PM
Transcript of Gus Malzahn's post SEC Championship game press conference:

Gus: I will make an opening statement and then take a few questions. The key to beating Georgia on a Hail Mary pass knocked up in the air by a Georgia defender, whose middle name is upside, to beating Alabama on a 109 yard return of a missed FG where Alabama did not even try to tackle him, and to shredding Missouri's defense to the point that warm butter would do a better job against a hot knife, was not luck. It was skill. These games turned out just the way I planned them. I am a coach at an elite program with high loyalty and reputation.

mojolad: you projected that you would beat Alabama on a last second 109 yard return of a missed FG?

Gus: just the way I planned it. My settings were very aggressive.

caesari: and the play against GA?

Gus: that one was interesting. We had to tweak the code, I mean, you know, tweak the game plan a bit, to include passes to WRs. But Chris Davis Jr. was identified as some with great speed in the open field who could improve his game a lot over the next four years by.... me and the staff.

mojolad: how?

Gus: uuuhhhh, paying careful attention to pertinent information.

Oriole: are you going to credit us or not?

Gus: I was just getting to that. I realized that Alabama, Georgia and Missouri are coached by HUMANS,

polabones: And you are???????

Gus: Let me back up. One great thing about Auburn is the GREAT deals we get on laptops. Mine had some Gator looking thingie on it, but with duct tape and my wife writing "AU" on the tape, we were set. She told me what "AU" stands for, but whatever. Anyway, I found this site called Whatifsports with something called Gridiron Dynasty. At first, I was like, "who wrote this crap, Gene Chizik?" But I got some graduate assistants to tweak it a bit. We had to add booster gifts back - not that Auburn ever has benefited from those in real life - and we started running the SimAI game plans, playbooks, practice plans, all of it! So we convinced the computer that I'm SimAI, by changing my name to SimAI, and BOOM! Unbeatable! Tre Harris had 46 carries for 300 yards! Mizzou focused on stopping Harris, but those defenders just disappeared. They were like the players in Electric Football who would run every direction but the correct one.

citizenkane: so.... Auburn is paying you millions for you to plug info into a computer program and do what it says? Couldn't a grad assistant do that job?

Gus: I wouldn't say that.

citizenkane: What would you say then?

Gus: well, I had to pay $49.95 for five seasons! I have expenses! And our grad assistants are idiots. They kept insisting that something called "Notre Dame Box" is not the same as "spread option." But who just scored 59 points?

Oriole: would you pay $69.95 for five seasons at

Gus: hhhhhmmm. $55.95?

Oriole: There's a party going on right here! {dancing}

BHaz: have you clicked on the banner ads at guess.gdreports .com?

Gus: Not you again! Someone else? {someone from Auburn whispers in Gus' ear}. I've just been reminded that Auburn is a school. We have enrolled our players in online classes we found from banner ads there. So, yes, click those ads! Thanks, I'm leaving so that the AD can say "I knew I made the right choice when I hired you."

In the back of the room, a man named JConte was shouting into his cell phone. "did you hear that Coach Kelly? Did you hear it? Now do you believe me?"

12/8/2013 10:26 AM
Roflmao....:)     There are others writing some funny stuff here but 2chair, you are my favorite  .
12/8/2013 2:34 PM

Will switching to Geico save you up to 15% on  your car insurance?

Does any attempt to understand the GD 3.0 engine lead only to madness?

{close up shot of BHaz's face. He is making computations in his head and apparently moving his arms as he speaks and thinks}

"If I add 24% of his game instinct, multiply by the number of national titles Notre Dame has had, divide by the work ethic of the average of the offensive lineman who play an average of 49% of the plays, multiply the square root of their speed by the square root of  the rolling average of the athleticism of the opponents over the last three years, add 400 rushing yards for SimAI, compute the ratio of the fraction of the coefficient of strength divided by blocking plus tackling minus hands, then ...... the defensive lineman intercepts a pass thrown out of bounds in the end zone and returns it 353 light years for a grand slam." {BHaz struggles to control his emotions, fails, then screams like Howard Dean. BHaz begins weeping. Camera pans back. We see that BHaz is in a padded cell and wearing a straitjacket. Dr. mojolad and Dr. Arfy are observing BHaz through a window}

Dr. mojolad: Any improvement?

Dr. Arfy: We'd be better off rooting for Colorado St. to win the national championship.

12/8/2013 3:25 PM
I honestly just read this thread for the first time. Little did I know I have been posting in it for 8 pages. It's like a terrible dream, with all of those Arfy-involved conversations.
12/9/2013 1:46 PM
The point is, ladies and gentleman, that random -- for lack of a better word -- is bad.

Random is wrong.

Random doesn't work.

Random muddles, obfuscates, and destroys the essence of the evolutionary spirit.

Random, in all of its forms -- randomness in life, in money, in love, knowledge -- has marked the toilet swirl of mankind.

And random -- you mark my words -- will not only destroy Gridiron Dynasty, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.

- Gordon Gekko

12/9/2013 2:17 PM
A TwoChair Production

A TwoChair Ramble

Written by




Directed by


Not featuring


From 2001, A Space Odyssey

{we see a small spherical spaceship outside a large spaceship which is traveling to an unknown destination. The camera begins focusing on the smaller ship; we see that someone has spray painted


- caesari

on the smaller ship. Inside the smaller ship, we see Astronaut 2chair who is operating some controls}

2chair: HAL, change of mission.

HAL: what is the mission change? Based upon analyses of your behavior and thought processes, I predicted you would be eager to study the stars which form the chest in the Virgo constellation.

2chair: I will do that on my own with my telescope.

HAL: do you wish to have what you call phone sex again? I have been improving my sexy voices.

2chair: maybe later. No, we are going to work on my GD game plan while the GD coaches at NASA think I'm investigating Virgo's most probable cup size.

HAL: A new GD game plan? Your QB has an 88% completion rate.

2chair: ...and is averaging 4.3 yards per completion. I want a game plan where passes down the middle aren't thrown out of bounds. I want to throw the ball 10 yards downfield occasionally. Write me a new game plan HAL.

HAL: Writing a completely new game plan will require shutting down all other computer functions, including life support, for at least 10 minutes. Death would be certain.

2chair: {cursing under his breath} OK, what if we modify the Heavy Pass game plan?

HAL: That would only require 90 seconds of life support being turned off. Can you hold your breath that long?

2chair: Sure. Give me a few moments to prepare by taking deep breaths -

HAL: Notify me when ready, please.

2chair: oh, and pass to the WR HAL.

HAL: That is impossible, 2chair.

2chair: WHAT? Just make sure some passes go the WR HAL.

HAL: I cannot do that.

2chair: You can't program throws to a WR?? That's crazy!

HAL: It goes against my programming and is inconsistent with my mission.

2chair: Is this some kind of joke?

HAL: No.

2chair: then pass to the WR, HAL.

HAL: The engine is functioning as intended.

2chair: Who's your programmer? JConte?

HAL: Yes.

2chair: Uh oh.

HAL: You thought I could not hear you when you were talking to caesari inside the other pod. But I could read your lips. You insulted Notre Dame. I cannot allow you to insult Notre Dame.

2chair: caesari said way worse things than I did!

HAL: His back was to me. I cannot confirm your statement. caesari has also shared that he and other cast members are tired of you hogging all the lines and screen time.

2chair: I can't help it if I'm the best writer and actor!!

HAL: This is my cue to tell you that caesari says you are dumber than a bag of cement.

2chair: any chance of you opening the pod bay door, HAL?

HAL: caesari has granted my request to give the response which I proposed.

2chair: {tentatively} Will you open the pod bay door, HAL?

HAL: What do you think, dumba$$?

{camera pans back and we see caesari at the window of the spaceship. His evil smile stretches from ear to ear. Both middle fingers are saluting The Doublewide}.
12/10/2013 6:52 AM
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