A GUESS Reports Horror Story Topic

Earlier today, as I was sitting in the austure offices at GUESS Reports HQ watching the ad click (singular) roll in, I was surprised when the phone rang. Mostly I was surprised because I forgot that we still had a phone. Overcoming my momentary shock, I quickly answered the phone. "Bob Hazlewood", I said.

A voice that sounded like it was a thousand miles away responded. "Hello? I can barely hear you." Realizing I had held the telephone receiver the wrong way, I shifted it in my hands and replied. "Hello. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to speak to bhazlewood, please."

"This is Bob Hazlewood. How can I help you?"

"Sorry, I was told to only speak to bhazlewood."

Trying (but failing) to control the frustration I was feeling, I asked "May I tell him who's calling?"

"My name is Frank Edelstein. I'm the lead developer for GridIron Dynasty."

In shock, I dropped the phone. Actually, it might have been the butter from all of the popcorn I had been eating while inexorably waiting and watching for that day's ad click (singular). Nevertheless, I quickly recovered and picked up the phone and continued the conversation. "bhazlewood here. I must admit I am surprised by your call - I didn't realize there were any developers LEFT for GD."

"That's one of the reasons I am calling, sir. We have been trying to reach the top coaches in the GD community to find out why there has been no feedback on our latest release. Since we couldn't find any, our janitor, oriole_fan, suggested we reach out to you."

"Thanks, uh, I guess... wait, I thought oriole_fan was a developer?"

"That was a title he gave himself when he hacked into the forums... but that was back in his junior high school days. An excess of Red Bull, combined with an addiction to Madden football drove him into a downward spiral. But that's not why I'm calling. I can't understand why you people clamor for improvements to the game, and after we roll out the most comprehensive update ever, packed with dozens of new features, there's ... not a word."

I was bewildered and befuddled. "WHAT Comprehensive update? The WISCast thing?"

"NO!" I heard a deep breath drawn, as if the caller was trying to calm himself. "I'm talking about the 4.0 release. The one with the 3-D animated play results, the extensive 'design your own plays' wizard, the expanded athletic department budgeting. 'Interactive' recruiting where your coach visits generate a back-and-forth with the recruit, as you try to influence him and his parents to accept your offer. A simulation that makes stamina meaningful, allows for more in-game management options, the return of injuries, re-implmenting player 'character' attributes and disciplinary/reward actions... NOT ONE FREAKING WORD ABOUT ANY OF IT."

"Frank... I don't know how to tell you this... but the reason no one has said anything about this is WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT! It sounds like a GD Coach's dream, but that's not at all what's in the game today."

"That can't be true. I wrote the code myself. I clicked the 'publish' button. I... hold on, let me check something." After a short pause, I heard what could only be described as loud cursing. VERY. LOUD. CURSING. "I can't believe it. Somebody pulled the network cable from the development server. Let me just plug it in. Just ... have ... to reach around ... this water cooler..." Suddenly there was a crashing sound, then the sound of electrical shorts, zaps, some yelling, and more VERY LOUD CURSING. "Oh for the love of mojolad! The damn water cooler fell over onto the development server, frying the motherboard and the disk drives and... and... at least we have backups---- oh no, we don't!!!! Since the server wasn't plugged in to the network, the backup server couldn't connect to it. All we have left is the code for GD 2.0.... OMYGOD THE 2.0 CODE IS GETTING PUSHED OUT TO THE SERVERS!!!!! SHUT IT DOWN!! SHUT IT DOW-"

The phone suddenly went dead. I tried calling the WIS offices to reach Mr Edelstein, but was told he was not available. Friday the 13th strikes again.
5/13/2016 1:08 PM
LOL! For a minute there I thought you were going to say that WIS was calling you to inform you that they were filing a lawsuit against you or hire you. Or worse yet, not let you use the bathroom of your choice.
5/13/2016 1:19 PM
The bathroom I self-identify with.

5/13/2016 1:23 PM
Best piece of fiction I've read in a while! Good stuff! LOL!!!
5/13/2016 1:25 PM
"oh for the love of mojolad!" definitely got me the best! LOL!
5/13/2016 1:26 PM
LOLOLOLOLOL
5/13/2016 2:29 PM
That made my day!
5/13/2016 5:51 PM
????? What the 27 ad clicks I do after recruiting aren't registering the other 4.5 weeks? Huh who knew, anyway under the table guilt fueled donation heading you way!
5/13/2016 5:59 PM
LOL! awesome, thanks.
5/13/2016 8:53 PM
Posted by rwings1927 on 5/13/2016 5:59:00 PM (view original):
????? What the 27 ad clicks I do after recruiting aren't registering the other 4.5 weeks? Huh who knew, anyway under the table guilt fueled donation heading you way!
Hooray, it worked!!!!! :)

Seriously, I appreciate the donation, and I tend to understate the actual number of ad clicks for dramatic effect. And Guilt Trips. :)
5/13/2016 8:57 PM
hahaha... oh for the love of mojolad, indeed!
5/16/2016 11:14 PM
You're the best Bob, but I only click ED ads.
5/21/2016 10:52 AM
Wow , I've become an ICON .
5/21/2016 5:14 PM
You lost me after "lead developer for Gridiron Dynasty"

There's only so much BS that I can accept...
5/23/2016 11:21 AM
Well played bhazlewood
6/7/2016 4:27 AM
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A GUESS Reports Horror Story Topic

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