Scene opens to a zoom chat between Bill Simmons, Joe House, and robusk. Bill is wearing a grey hoodie with a ‘Varsity Blues’ t-shirt under it. He has an extremely patchy beard that looks like it has taken him two years to grow. House is wearing a wife beater with holes in it and barbeque stains. robusk seems to be the only one who knows they are on camera and is looking at the other two with a distasteful look.
Bill Simmons: “Today’s episode, the first ‘Are We Sure He’s Good?’ podcast, on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK is presented by Roman, a long time supporting sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. If you are suffering from baldness, erectile dysfunction, inappropriate longing for 80s childhood actors, narcissism, looking like a ghost on TV or an inability to grow a beard, SUFFER NO MORE! Roman will provide you black market pharmaceuticals produced by underpaid employees with no health benefits in discreet packaging you can hide from your loved ones. AND NOW, my listeners can get 20% off your first purchase by entering BS in the box at the top. Roman: a digital health scam for men, by men. Also, check out our brand new podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK, all hosted by our white employees who have personal connections to me. Ryen Russillo talks about his adventures in Wyoming in ‘Naked Camping’, Nephew Kyle opens up about how to make it in the entertainment world in ‘A Guide to Nepotism’, and our very own Joe House gets another podcast titled, “Drunk Ramblings’. You can check out all of our Ringer podcasts on Spotify or Apple or wherever you get your podcasts by typing Ringer in the search box at the top. Don’t forget to subscribe. Coming up, our very first ‘Are We Sure He Is Good?’ podcast with MY FRIEND Joe House and a reappearance of simleague basketball owner robusk. I am Bill Simmons and this is the Book of Basketball. And now, an exploitive song where you can hear my son rap over some song he found on iTunes, Melatonin.”
“It’s the book of basketball yall, it’s the book of basketball” *REFEREE WHISTLE*
Bill Simmons: “All right, we have the very first ‘Are We Sure He is Good?’ podcast with Joe House and robusk. This is our second podcast together. We did a REDRAFTABLES Episode covering the SAVAGE draft, and it was our highest rated and most viewed episode of all time.”
Joe House: “You definitely won that draft Podfather!”
robusk: “Didn’t you take Bill Russell first overall?”
Bill Simmons: “Yeah, I think Havlicek falling to me at 7 really put my draft over the top. You came close though House. Really liked a couple of your picks.”
robusk: “House took a guy who was blacklisted 8th and thought I should have taken Wes Unseld 12th.”
Bill Simmons: “All I know is I watch basketball and I understand the secret. Isiah Thomas told it to me at a topless pool in Vegas. Okay, this is how this works. I say someone’s name and then I ask you, ‘Are we sure he is good?’ and then you answer if he is good or not.”
Joe House: “Could you explain that one more time?”
Bill Simmons: “No. So the first guy here is Hassan Whiteside. He’s on the best team in the entire SAVAGE league. benhoidal won 64 games in World 3. Hakeem Olajuwon and the Fish That Saved Pittsburgh going 24th and 25th is a travesty, and they carry this team to first place. Anyways, benhoidal is playing ash in the second round with a chance to completely eviscerate his rival. It’s a do or die nut cruncher of a game 3”
Joe House: “OOH BABY!”
Bill Simmons: “It was really a must win for benhoidal. Hakeem hits what should have been a game winner in overtime with 16 seconds left to put them up by 1. Oscar dribbles down and puts up a prayer at the buzzer, doesn’t even come close. And what does Whiteside do? He fouls him!”
Joe House: “Unbelievable! Basketball perversion!”
Bill Simmons: “Reminded me of Manu doing the same thing against Dirk. So I have to ask. House, robusk, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”
Joe House: “No! In fact, I am sure he isn’t good! Look, I watched Hassan Whiteside this year. He fouls everyone! Jumps at everything! His coaches sit him in the fourth quarter of games. Why would benhoidal have him in the game there knowing a foul could put the other team at the line?”
robusk: “You guys realize that’s one of the best per minute seasons in the SIM right? 60+ efg% on 20+ usage. Insane rebounding. And he has 100 D. Did you really just say he shouldn’t have been in the game on the final defensive possession?”
Bill Simmons: “robusk, per minute guys have no business in the SAVAGE league.”
robusk: “Well, I guess you got me there. Good burn actually, if you understood why, but you don’t.”
Joe House: “Yeah it’s all about the advanced stats: points per game, rebounds per game, killer instinct.”
robusk: “You know those aren’t adv…”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly! Okay, well since we are all in agreement that Whiteside is not good, let’s move on! The next guy is Karl Malone. Drafted 3rd overall and didn’t even make the playoffs in a single world. I talked to bds992 before the season started and he said he had 5 playoff teams and a couple of contenders. You have a team with that kinda potential and you don’t pull through, you have to start wondering about the best player, right? I mean, I watch basketball. All these millennials nowadays are just looking up basketball reference stats and trying to tell me that Karl frickin Malone should have been a top 3 pick in an all-time draft? Just watch basketball and you’d know he just doesn’t have the killer mentality of someone like Kobe.”
Joe House: “That’s a real advanced stat!”
robusk: “You guys know this is a computer simulation, right? A lot of these stats the engine uses are exactly the same as the ones on basketball reference.”
Bill Simmons: “Alright guys, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”
Joe House: “Karl FRIGGIN Malone! I’m sure he’s NOT good! Always going to choke in the clutch. Should have taken Magic or Wilt Chamberlain.”
robusk: “Wilt wasn’t even eligible to be drafted, and Magic isn’t anywhere near…”
Bill Simmons: “Magic would have been a great pick! I did TV with him!”
robusk: “Look, Karl Malone was a good pick. Shaq would have been better, but Karl Malone is really good.”
Bill Simmons: “Shaq was like me in college. Could have gotten that 4.0, but had fun and got a 3.3 instead.”
robusk: “What?”
Joe House: “We had fun in college! All those frat parties! We would go to Rascal’s then go hit the all you can eat diner at 4 in the morning with Hench, JBug, Skeetz, Jerko, Sully, Sambone, and Skuzzo. Remember when you slipped drugs in…”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly. Karl Malone is not good. Glad we all agree.”
robusk: “We did NOT all agree. And wait, was House just about to say that you…”
Bill Simmons: “One more before we got to go! Kyrie Irving! He was drafted by kinoa1 in the 4th round. He must not have watched the Celtics the last two years. Ruined a perfect draft too. Shaq, then Clyde Frazier, and then Bobby Jones. Everyone forgets about Bobby Jones, but I watched him play. That guy was good.”
robusk: “Weren’t you like ten when he was in his prime?”
Bill Simmons: “Anyways, Shaq leads kinoa1 to the regular season points lead and then Kyrie starts his locker room dysfunction thing and everything starts to fall apart.”
robusk: “Falling apart? He still has four teams left which is as much as anyone, and he probably will have three or even possibly four advance past this round. He’s got as good a chance as anyone to win this thing.”
Joe House: “I gotta side with the Podfather here.”
Bill Simmons: “robusk, I’m honestly a bit surprised. You do know you’re beating kinoa1’s team in World 4 right? If one of YOUR teams can beat him, there’s got to be something going on off the court.”
robusk: “I’m actually quietly rising in the standings.”
Joe House: “Your teams suck, nerd.”
Bill Simmons: “So guys, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”
Joe House: “Kyrie is taking kinoa1’s teams down from within, just like he did with those Celtics teams. Probably robbed them of two championships.”
robusk: “Oh come on. Not even you Simmons could believe th…”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly! Can’t win without LeBron, terrible chemistry guy. I’m sorta a body language expert and I can tell you that the other guys do not like playing with Kyrie.”
robusk: “Kyrie has actually been pretty good in all five leagues.”
Bill Simmons: “So we all agree, Kyrie is NOT good.”
Joe House: “We all agree.”
Bill Simmons: “Alright, well that was the first ‘Are We Sure He’s Good?’ podcast for the Book of Basketball 2.0 pod. I liked it. All three of us came to the conclusion that Hassan Whiteside, Karl Malone, and Kyrie Irving are in fact, NOT good. Thanks for listening, don’t forget to check out all the Ringer podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK.”