Savage IV News Topic

benhoidal
Posts: 11551 (1)
Hall of Famer
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Episode 1
Open to a news broadcasting studio. A camera crew is set up facing a large desk with monitors behind it. The monitors are all showing the words SAVAGE NEWS in big blue block letters. At the studio desk, we see user benhoidal looking into a teleprompter. We hear a deep baritone voice off screen say, “THIS IS SAVAGE NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE MOST SAVAGE UPDATES FROM THE MOST SAVAGE LEAGUE IN ALL OF WIS.” The camera moves around until all we see is benhoidal and the monitor behind him.

“Hello! Welcome to the Savage News Channel! Our show today is brought to you by Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner: The consistent glass cleaning formula that will ensure your backboards always stay clean. I’m your host, benhoidal, and I will be here for all your Savage news all season long.”

A box appears over his right shoulder with a graphic showing the words SAVAGE IV written in a deep red and dripping down as if written in blood.

“After a long hiatus, Savage season four is finally here. Commissioner, dh555 announced today that the lottery will be held tonight! Rumors continue to circulate that LeBron James will be the first overall pick with a recent league-wide survey reporting that twenty-three of the twenty four governors prefer LeBron James at the top of the draft. The survey was anonymous so it’s somewhat unclear which governor voted for Nate Archibald, but it does raise some questions about how and why pennsylvania was allowed to vote and whether he has a very Savage alias.

The image in the box over his shoulder is replaced by a picture of a motherf*cking birthday cake.

“dBKC will be looking to defend his Savage III title. He has proven himself to be the most Savage of all the governors in this format, averaging over 363 points over the first three seasons. To put that into perspective, that average total would have been good enough for dBKC to win first place last season. James Harden, Steph Curry, David Robinson. Who will dBKC draft next?”

The image is replaced by a gravestone with the letters, R.I.P. written on it.

“Unfortunately, the rigors of this format prove too much for some governors to handle. Today, we pay our respects to the ones who just weren’t quite Savage enough to stick around.”

Cut away to a quick black and white montage where the faces of longtallbrad, goetz93, and zora4preside flash before us in succession.

“Gone, but never forgotten. Well, except for that last guy. I already forgot who that was. longtallbrad and goetz93 have been with us since the start. Despite Brad’s record of falling asleep right before his selection, both governors will be missed by all. Replacing them are ysw128, and beloud. Will these brave new governors have what it takes to compete with the best? Will ysw128 ever find the shift key? Or will the new challenges they face prove too Savage? Only time will tell.”

The box reappears over his shoulder with the image of the user kinoa1 wearing a golden crown.

“Also joining us for Savage IV is kinoa1, the season I champion who left without defending his title. kinoa1 is the only user to win more than one championship in a single Savage season, having won three championships in the inaugural Savage league. Can he do it again? Will another Savage crown finally get people to stop calling him, ‘quinoa?’ Somehow, I sincerely doubt it.”

The image is replaced with a video image depicting an iron throne.

“The popular forum show ‘Game of Zones’ ended recently with mixed reviews. Despite an overwhelmingly positive response to the first season, which broke WIS records for viewership of a fake television show, the second season saw a significant drop in ratings. Critics wonder if the showrunner will be able to find another job, or if viewers are simply done with his shtick.”

The box over benhoidal’s shoulder disappears. He swivels in his chair to face a second camera.

“The Savage world is abuzz with the news of a brand new comic collection set to hit the forum store. This news reporter was able to score an exclusive interview with author jhsukow to talk about his upcoming Savage editions of Marvel comics. But first, a quick message from our sponsor.”

The studio disappears and we see a picturesque house with a picket fence. There is a ladder set up in front of the house and on it we see a tall, slender man in a Raptors jersey and headband who is cleaning the windows. The man notices the camera and gives an exaggerated surprised smile. He waves and opens his mouth.

“Hello, Savage drafters! My name is Jamario Moon. Some of you may recognize me for my work in the ODL or $52M drafts.”

Jamario Moon steps down the ladder, spreads his arms wide, and looks directly at the camera.

“But, I’m not just a one season wonder. I’m also a businessman. I’m here today, to introduce you to a revolution in home cleaning.”

At the bottom of our screen big purple words shimmer into existence. Jamario points at the words and reads them outloud. “Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner.”

Jamario walks over closer to the camera. “Now it’s no secret that I’ve had success cleaning the glass during WIS basketball leagues. In fact, people keep asking me, ‘Jamario, how do you keep the backboard so clean?’ Well, today, I’m here to share that secret with all of you.”

He holds a hand up, and a bottle of glass cleaner materializes. On the bottle, there is a picture of Jamario’s face along with the product name and a 20% rebounding guarantee sticker.

“This product’s consistent formula will ensure that your glass will stay clean night after night after night this Savage season.”

Jamario starts walking to the other side of the house. We see Kevin McHale up on a ladder trying to clean a backboard of a basketball hoop, but becoming increasingly frustrated. He climbs down his ladder and throws his glass cleaner in a nearby trash can.

“Some glass cleaners are inconsistent. They leave streaks all over your glass.”

Jamario climbs the other ladder and pulls out his bottle of Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner. He sprays the backboard and starts to clean.

“Moon will take care of all your glass cleaning needs this season. Drafted a center who’s really good in the paint, but doesn’t clean the glass as much as you want? No worries, Moon has you covered!”

Jamario finishes cleaning and points at the newly shiny backboard.

“Most of the leading glass cleaners will cost you an expensive 1st or 2nd round selection, but the amazing glass cleaning power of Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner can be yours for just an 11th round pick this Savage season!”

The camera zooms in on Jamario who breaks out into a huge grin. Another bottle of glass cleaner appears in his hand. The rebounding guarantee on the sticker for this bottle is slightly less.

“But wait! If you order now and draft Jamario this Savage season, not only will you get one bottle of Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner, I’ll throw in another bottle for free! That’s two whole bottles of Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner for only the cost of an 11th round draft pick!”

Two more bottles of glass cleaner appear out of thin air.

“But wait! There’s more! If you order Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner in the next ten minutes, I will double your order! You won’t just get the 07-08 bottle, you’ll also get 08-09, 09-10, and even 10-11. That’s four whole bottles of Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner!”

Jamario points right at the camera. “Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner can be yours! Call this number now!”

At the bottom of the screen big purple numbers and letters shimmer into existence.

CALL 1-800-SAVAGE TODAY!

The image fades away and the studio reappears. benhoidal is still sitting behind the desk, but joining him is user jhsukow, who looks a little nervous. On top of the desk we see a bottle of Moon’s Miracle Glass Cleaner.

benhoidal: “Welcome back! With me today is esteemed WIS user, jhsukow, who is coming off a fantastic Savage III performance that saw him take 6th place. jhsukow, how are you doing today?”

jhsukow: “ben, it’s great to be here. To be honest, I’m a little nervous. When I signed up for this basketball simulation computer thing, I never thought I’d have to show my face on camera.”

benhoidal: “That is wonderful to hear. sukow, my audience has been begging me for weeks to get you on the show. Ever since you dropped that teaser image in the Savage forum, they have been drooling over every bit of news they can about your upcoming project.”

jhsukow: “They’ve been drooling?”

benhoidal: “Yes! And we are going to keep them salivating a little longer. Before we start talking about your new comic issues, I want to talk about your last Savage performance. Lots of amazing owners and you were right near the top all season long. In fact you were only one game away from a podium finish!”

jhsukow: “Well, I finally didn’t have the 22nd pick…”

benhoidal: “With the lottery only a day away, how are you feeling about your chances to avoid the 22nd pick this time around?”

jhsukow: “Honestly, I’m pretty nervous. It’s been keeping me up at night. I know rationally there’s only a one in twenty-four chance, but it seems more like two in three. I don’t even care if I get the 23rd or 24th pick. Anything but 22nd.”

benhoidal: “Well, we are all rooting for you. In fact, due to your mastery of the meme, you have become one of the most popular owners on the whole site. Tell me, what makes a good meme?”

jhsukow: “Honestly, I think it is about shared experiences. Either on a cultural level or local level on this site or this league. Ideally, you can blend some of that together.”

benhoidal: “Alright, so tell me about this little Marvel project that is about to be released to the public forum?”

jhsukow: “Well ben, I grew up a huge Marvel Comics fan. I’m listening to Binge Mode: Marvel, right now and I recently had some extra free time on my hands with my coaching season coming to a close. Obviously, I loved what you did with GOZ and I wanted to tell some Savage stories placed in the Marvel Universe. I settled on the league's governors replacing some of the Avengers and the players replacing some of the mutants/X-Men. The hope is to create 10-15 issues with their own art “borrowing covers from some of my favorite issues.”

benhoidal: “That sounds incredible. Any chance we will get to see meme adaptations of the covers?”

jhsukow: “I guess you’ll just have to wait and see what I have planned.”

benhoidal: “I can hardly wait. We do have an exclusive close look from the first issue. Let’s take a peak!”

The two glance behind them at the monitor. Our camera zooms in until the monitor is all we see. Pages as if from a comic book flip by until finally landing on a colorful page full of illustrations.
Savage War: Season Four Issue #1
The Weird Wave Goodbye
[Ship, interior]

adlorenz: Once we fix the communication systems, we should be all finished. Thanks for helping me load everything up and make sure everything is online, dBKC.

dBKC: Glad to help.

dBKC, also known as the superhero Spider-Man, helps adlorenz test the ship to make sure it is ready to safely transport its lone passenger.

dBKC: I know you two have never met, but I promise, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

adlorenz: You speak kindly of him, unfortunately not everyone shares your point of view.

dBKC: I try to see the best in people.

adlorenz: Ah!

Adlorenz slices his hand on what appears to be some type of battery.

dBKC: Can I help you?

adlorenz: I’ll be fine. Band-aid will have to do until we rendezvous with the others. While I have you, I do have one question, though, but it isn’t about him.

dBKC: Okay, honestly, I DO think that he actually stormed the capital. If I hear one more thing about the Dunning-Kru-

adlorenz: -No, no, no. Not him either. No, this is about benhoidal. I read the report, and I’m sorry to put you in a difficult spot, but... you are sure benhoidal hasn’t reached out to you?

dBKC: The last time we spoke was at the end of the Second Savage war. I don’t know who or what fought in the Third Savage War, but I know... I know it wasn’t Ben.

adlorenz slowly nods his head and chooses his next words carefully

adlorenz: Thank you. You have been very helpful. In fact, I want to thank you for your help. Here.

adlorenz reaches into his bag

dBKC: I don’t understand.

adlorenz: It is a multi-game patch.

dBKC: ...Yeah. I... see... that.

adlorenz: It is something I will be giving to the other people on the site, and I wanted you to be the first to know.

dBKC: Oh. Great. Thanks, I guess. Well, I’ll let you finish up.

before dBKC leaves, he looks over at an unconscious ashamael

dBKC: He has given us so much. He looks so peaceful. I hope we are doing the right thing.

adlorenz: Me too. Me too.

The remaining pages of the comic book flip by and finally the screen fades black, and our camera zooms away from the monitor until the whole studio fills our screen.

benhoidal: “Wow! That looks incredible! dBKC as Spider-Man is perfectly cast! I have to be honest, I’ve heard some rumors about who you’ve cast as the other Avengers. I won’t spoil anything, but let me just say, that guy you got to play Thor is one handsome devil!”

jhsukow: “I actually think he was miscast. If I had to do it over, I would probably have him play Loki, the Trickster God.”

benhoidal: “Hmm, he does seem like the kind of guy who would trick you into giving up your lottery pick for an aging veteran and a worthless second rounder. Tell me, when can we expect this first issue to hit the shelves of our forums?”

jhsukow: “I’m planning on releasing it tomorrow!”

benhoidal: “Well, I think I can speak for everyone here in saying that we cannot wait. Thanks for your time today.”

jhsukow: “Thanks ben, I…”

benhoidal swivels in his chair to face the camera and it zooms in on his face.

benhoidal: “Now over to robusk for our Daily Top 10!”

We switch cameras over to another part of the studio where robusk is standing in front of a large screen with the SAVAGE logo written in dark red across a white background.

robusk: “Thank you ben. For the Daily Top 10 today, I’m going to talk about ROI rankings, or Return on Investment if you will. I will be focusing on the ten players who have had the highest relationship to well performing teams compared to what their draft position would indicate.”

The image on the screen behind him is replaced by a graphic of a number 10 which fades away into a montage of Kemba Walker highlights from past Savage leagues. Some numbers scroll across the bottom of the screen: ADP: 133, Avg Wins: 45, Titles: 2, Avg Points: 291 – 32 MPG, 28.3 USG%, 51.5 eFG%, 11.8 CREB%, 19.6 AST%, 10 TO%, 223 3PM, 58 DEF, and 2 F/48.

robusk: “Coming in at number ten we have Kemba Walker. Just outside the 30 winningest players in Savage history, Kemba is the sort of PG that teams who miss out on the elite offerings should target. Those numbers you see scrolling by stand up pretty closely to Oscar Robertson without the defense but also with an ADP 100 spots lower.”

A graphic of a number 9 replaces the screen behind him and fades away to show highlights of Marvin Williams and the following numbers: ADP: 183, Avg Wins: 46, Titles: 2, Avg Points: 297 – 25 MPG, 15 USG%, 53 eFG%, 20 CREB%, 6 AST%, 8 TO%, 3.4 F/48, 60 DEF, and 115 3PM.

robusk: “At number nine, a former teammate of Kemba, Marvin Williams clocks in. Rounding out the 25 winningest players in Savage history, he really doesn’t hurt you anywhere and offers a similar profile to Otto Porter Jr. that can be had 2 rounds later.”

Behind him, a number 8 swirles into the picture before disappearing in favor of a quick video of Amir Johnson grabbing a rebound followed by the screen turning black. All that can be seen are the scroll of numbers at the bottom: ADP: 269, Avg Wins: 48, Titles: 2, Avg Points: 301 – 23 MPG, 15 USG, 60 PNT, 59 eFG%, 29 CREB%, 6 AST%, 15 TO%, 60 DEF and 6 F/48.

robusk: “Number eight is Amir Johnson. Pretty nice numbers to plug into a low usage SF spot as well as a variety of seasons to fit into your team. That’s about all I have on him.”

The black screen is replaced by a large number 6, and then by Nicolas Batum highlights and the following numbers scrolling below: ADP: 179, Avg Wins: 44, Titles: 3, Avg Points: 301 – 32 MPG, 17 USG%, 52.3 eFG%, 17.8 CREB%, 17.3 AST%, 17.3 TO%, 133 3PM, 55 DEF, 2.4 F/48, 1 NP (Nut Punch).

robusk: “Number seven is a personal favorite of mine, Nicolas Batum! This ball buster is a surprising name in the top 25 winningest players, but Batum is pretty underrated across SimLeague Basketball formats. He doesn’t have many comps because so few players give the variety of statistical contributions that he offers at so many positions.”

A number 6 spins onto the screen behind him and is replaced by a picture of a sleepy eyed Tracy McGrady. The following numbers scroll by the bottom of the screen: ADP: 185, Avg Wins: 47, Titles: 2, Avg Points: 303 – 36 MPG, 32.9 USG%, 48 eFG%, 18.5 CREB%, 19.1 AST%, 9.5 TO%, 76 DEF, 2.5 F/48.

robusk: “Kobe gets a lot of shine in Savage, but McGrady puts up similar value. An 8th round pick, compared to a late 3rd or early 4th for Kobe, McGrady is in the top 20 winningest players in Savage history and comes in at number sixhere.”

robusk turns to face another camera. “And now it is time for the five players with the highest ROI over the last three Savage leagues. These five Savages are sure to rocket up the boards this draft. Make sure you grab them while you can!”

The screen behind him shows a spinning number 5 fading away into highlights of Larry Nance. We see robusk look frantically off screen and whisper something into his headpiece. The screen momentarily goes blank.

robusk: “Larry Nance Jr. jumps into the ROI top five. It seems as though my producer thought that the Jr was a mistake, but it is actually the son of the former Cavs star who is on this list and not the father. Junior is one of the top 15 winningest players in Savage history despite typically being a 9th or 10th round pick. His seasons are pretty comparable to the lower passing Horford seasons or to Mason Plumlee, but he goes much later.”

The screen in the background comes back to life with an enlarged number 4 appearing before fading away into clips of a tall player in a Minnesota Timberwolves jersey shooting threes. The following numbers scroll by: ADP: 157, Avg Wins: 49, Titles: 1, Avg Points: 311 – 28 MPG, 25 USG% 52 eFG%, 140 3PM, 36.5 CREB%, 9.5 AST%, 10.4 TO%, 2.9 F/48, 33 DEF.

robusk: “Is that Karl-Anthony Towns I see? Nope, but it is a slightly worse shooting version you can get 120 picks later. It’s Kevin Love who is the 11th winningest player in Savage history.”

A number 3 appears on the jumbo screen before being replaced by clips of Samuel Dalembert and the following scrolling numbers: ADP: 130, Avg Wins: 46, Titles: 3, Avg Points: 317 – 27 MPG, 15 USG%, 60 PNT, 54 eFG%, 36 CREB%, 2.5 AST%, 17 TO%, 6 F/48 and 60 DEF.

robusk: “Coming in at number three, Samuel Dalembert is one of the top ten winningest players in Savage history despite typically being selected near the 6th round. He also has a variety of seasons to choose from. Those numbers you see below compare pretty nicely to someone like Jerry Lucas who goes nearly 60 picks earlier.”

A number 2 spins into view on the screen behind him then spins out of the picture in favor of rebounding clips featuring Ed Davis. The following numbers scroll by: ADP: 171, Avg Wins: 51, Titles 1, Avg Points: 336 – 20 MPG, 13.1 USG%, 81 PNT, 59.7 eFG%, 38.1 CREB%, 4.9 AST%, 12.7 TO%, 51 DEF and 6 F/48.

robusk: “Another personal favorite of mine, locking up the penultimate spot is Ed Davis who is shockingly the second winningest player in Savage history. On top of those nice stats you see scrolling on by, most seasons he can competently play SF. This makes him like a more efficient but lower defense version of Rodman who can be had 5 rounds later.”

Behind robusk, the jumbo screen suddenly goes black. We hear a loud voice over from overhead say, “And now, coming in at number one…” The screen starts flashing in different colors and a shiny silver number 1 starts blinking on and off.

robusk: “All right, the moment you have been waiting for! The last time this player topped a list was for amount of alimony due. That’s right, you guessed it! It’s Shawn Kemp!”

The screen starts playing highlights of Kemp’s most Savage dunks along with the following numbers: ADP: 41, Avg Wins: 50, Titles: 2, Avg Points: 341 – 30 MPG, 24.6 USG%, 66 PNT, 52.8 eFG%, 37.5 CREB%, 7.3 AST%, 85 DEF.

robusk: “Kemp has actually been the winningest player in Savage history. Typically drafted late in the second round, his numbers compare favorably to Tim Duncan, Anthony Davis and Hakeem Olajuwon, all who typically go much sooner. His primary warts are his 17 TO%, lack of attendance at his kid’s birthday parties, and his 6 F/48.”

robusk swivels on the spot to face the main camera.

“I fully expect Shawn Kemp to go near the top half of the first round of this Savage Draft. That’s the Daily Top 10. Back to you ben.”

We switch back to the main studio where benhoidal is staring into the teleprompter with a glazed look on his face. A couple seconds pass before he regains his composure.

“Well there you have it. I don’t think I’ve ever been more bored talking about basketball. Is this the season that Shawn Kemp goes in the first round? We will know soon. That will do it for this edition of Savage News on the Savage News Channel. We will be back next time with lottery results and analysis of the first ten picks. I think this is the season where I finally get LeBron. As always, have a SAVAGE day.”

The camera starts to slowly zoom out and take in the whole studio as a pleasant melody of notes starts playing in the background. The image is replaced by a white screen with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.
3/8/2021 4:07 PM (edited)
benhoidal
Posts: 11551 (1)
Hall of Famer
874 1
Veteran
Episode 2
Open to a news broadcasting studio. A camera crew is set up facing a large desk with monitors behind it. The monitors are all showing the words SAVAGE NEWS in big blue block letters. At the studio desk, we see user benhoidal looking into a teleprompter. We hear a deep baritone voice off screen say, “THIS IS SAVAGE NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE MOST SAVAGE UPDATES FROM THE MOST SAVAGE LEAGUE IN ALL OF WIS.” The camera moves around until all we see is benhoidal and the monitor behind him.

“Hello! Welcome to the Savage News Channel! Our show today is brought to you by dB’s trick candles. Turn your **** sandwich into a motherf*cking birthday cake, today! I’m your host, benhoidal, and I will be here for all your Savage news all season long.”

A box appears over his right shoulder with a graphic showing cmcafeeky in a LeBron James jersey and wearing blackface.

“Our top story tonight, Savage IV is underway and the first round is complete. cmcafeeky started things off by drafting LeBron James. LeBron has been drafted first all three times he has been eligible and has led the users who drafted him to top eight finishes each time. This is good news for cmcafeeky whose average wins over two seasons is ranked twenty-third. Will the King help the Kentucky Kid reverse his fortunes?”

The image in the box is replaced by a list of the top ten selections.

1. cmcafeeky - LeBron James
2. jhsukow - Wilt Chamberlain
3. jkaye24 - Steph Curry
4. tarheel1991 - Shaquille O'Neal
5. robusk - Dwight Howard
6. pexetera - Michael Jordan
7. dBKC - Giannis Antetokounmpo
8. albiband0 - Chris Paul
9. gerryred - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
10. jpevans31 - David Robinson

“Pretty chalk for the top 10 with the possible exception of Kareem falling to the 9th pick. This continues a downward trend for the captain. After being the first ever player to be drafted in a Savage league in season 1, Roger Murdock fell to fourth the next season and then down to seventh for season 3. Will this trend see Big Lew drop out of the top 10 next season? Or can the Power Tower regain his old form and become a top five pick once more?”

The graphic is replaced by an image of King Kong fighting Godzilla, the duo towering over New York skyscrapers.

“The two most successful Savage governors over three seasons, dBKC and pexetera are drafting right next to each other. Michael Jordan and Giannis Antetokounmpo are great starts for both users, but I for one am looking forward to this duo stealing each other's picks throughout the draft.”

The image is replaced with the selections for the rest of the first round.

11. ysw128 - Kevin Durant
12. beloud - Karl Malone
13. 24kpyrite - Charles Barkley
14. ashamael - James Harden
15. 20ks - Kevin Garnett
16. jcred5 - Larry Bird
17. mikee1 - Anthony Davis
18. notoriousj - Artis Gilmore
19. bds9992 - DeAndre Jordan
20. kinoa1 - Tim Duncan
21. benhoidal - John Stockton
22. amerk1180 - Moses Malone
23. midge - Magic Johnson
24. dh555 - Hakeem Olajuwon

“I really hope the next few rounds give me something to talk about, because there’s not much news here. I mean the highest riser from an ADP position is Anthony Davis who rose 6 picks, but his teams have finished in the top 10 the last two seasons so you can hardly call this a shock. The biggest falls? Karl Malone and John Stockton fall four places each. Is this Utah Jazz slander?”

The box over benhoidal’s head disappears and he swivels in his chair to another camera.

“Overall, I’m really disappointed with the lack of drama in this draft. Where’s the Savagery that defined this league over the last three seasons? Where’s the name calling and heated debates? Where’s the…”

He turns his head slightly and puts a finger to his ear as if listening to something being said in his headset.

“Hold on. robusk called who a fascist? Big Lebowski? Who’s Peggy?”

benhoidal turns his head back to the camera and breaks out in a wide grin.

“Breaking News! Things are finally getting interesting. robusk called cmcafeeky a fascist, which is hardly surprising, but apparently it was just a part of a Big Lebowski conversation. The real story which is still developing is in regards to everyone’s favorite exiled former sportscaster.”

A box pops up behind him and we get a mugshot of amerk1180.

“Two seasons ago, amerk1180 went on a now infamous 8 page rant about pick times, and holding up the draft, specifically in regards to albiband0 who was picking from Italy. Let’s roll the tape.”

A recording starts to play and we hear amerk1180’s voice: “Sheesh this is BRUTAL! 3-4 picks....three hour wait....2-3 picks.....four hour wait.....1 pick....two hour wait.....5 picks in an hour....four hour wait....and so on. When can we get on a clock???”

benhoidal: “In a lovely twist of irony, amerk’s pick times from that draft and the next one end up worse than albiband’s. Now fast forward to Wednesday morning. It’s been twelve hours since the last pick and users are patiently waiting for amerk to make his selection. Finally we have a little drama as a few governors start to point out the hypocrisy. Even dBKC. Yes dBKC, the unanimous pick for nicest guy on the site. When dB gets in on the pot stirring, you know things are spicy.”

The graphic is replaced by an image of a long wooden peg.

“Here’s where the story really heats up. Amerk logs on after over 16 hours of inactivity and claims the reason for his absence was he was up all night with a girl named Peggy. This is met with a fair amount of skepticism in the forum. I have some okay jokes about this, but nothing that matches the following user comments.”

The screen is taken over by the image of few forum posts:

tarheel1991: I bet I know why they call her Peggy ;)

robusk: Unfortunately I was unable to fall back asleep after this nightmare of a post.

cmcafeeky: PEGGY?.... I just checked the last census... hasnt been anyone named 'PEGGY' born since 1949....

The images disappear and we see benhoidal shaking his head and chuckling.

“So what’s the truth here? Was amerk up all night with a beautiful woman? Was it an old cougar with a broken hip? Or was the story made up? I for one, completely believe him. I just hope he got his money’s worth.”

The image of the Savage logo appears in the box over his head and he swivels in his chair to face a second camera.

“In a league full of the most Savage users in the history of WIS, one man stands alone as the most Savage. How did dh555 come up with the most Savage league in all of WIS? This reporter was able to secure an exclusive interview with “The Commish.” But first, a quick word from our sponsor!”

The studio disappears and our screen turns black and white. The image of an oven opening up from the inside greets our eyes and two oven mitts are thrust into it. The camera focuses on the dish that was inside as it is brought out and placed between two slices of bread upon a plate. It is a massive pile of manure. The oven mitts are taken off, and two hands smush the bread slices down. Manure seeps out from the edges of the sandwich and onto the plate. We can visibly see the stink coming off the sandwich and into the air. Flies circle over the plate and omit a low buzzing sound.

The plate with the sandwich on it is slowly brought over to a compact table sitting in a corner of a dim room where a lone boy sits. His head is hanging dejectedly and as he looks up and sees the food being brought over to him, a look of revulsion crosses his face. The sandwich is placed in front of him and his nose crinkles. He reaches with both hands and grabs the bread and brings it tediously towards his face. His eyes close and the boy visibly gags as the sandwich inches closer, closer, closer.

Behind the boy, a door creaks open slowly. A man enters the room, but this man is not in black and white like the rest of our scene, but instead is in full color. He is wearing a flamboyant outfit and an oversized party hat which shields his eyes from the camera. He has both hands in his pockets. He looks over at the boy about to eat the **** sandwich and quickly takes his hands out of his pockets. In one hand we see a noisemaker and in the other we see five candles, which are somehow already lit despite just emerging from his pocket. The man flicks his wrist and all five candles zoom over to the **** sandwich and somehow stick perfectly into the top slice of bread. As this is happening, he raises the noisemaker in his other hand to his lips. He purses his lips together and blows.

As sound erupts from the noisemaker, color floods the screen and our image is no longer in black and white.

The boy startles and opens his eyes, a look of shock replacing the one of revulsion that was there just a moment before. In front of him, instead of the **** sandwich he was about to eat, sits a glorious birthday cake. He looks up and around, but no one is there. He looks back at the cake in front of him and grabs a fork. A look of pure delight stretches across his face.

Our camera moves away from the boy and to the door that the man had emerged from. The door is open just a crack and our camera moves through it. On the other side we see the man who was just in the room. His party hat has shifted and no longer covers his eyes. We see that it is dBKC. He catches the camera on him and winks. His other hand takes a lit candle out of his pocket and raises it to his lips. As he blows out the candle, our screen goes dark.

Colorful italic words appear and a loud, excited voice over reads them:

dB’s Trick Candles! Turn your **** sandwich into a motherf*cking birthday cake, today! On Sale Now in all five worlds!

Beneath those words, smaller words written in black momentarily flash across the screen:

Terms and conditions apply. dB’s trick candles cannot turn a ****** governor into a good one.

The image fades away and the studio reappears. benhoidal is still sitting behind the desk, but joining him is dh555 who is wearing a Joel Embiid 76’ers swingman jersey. On top of the desk we see a motherf*cking birthday cake with a number of lit candles. benhoidal stoops down to blow out the candles, but they flicker back to life. His eyes catch the camera and he winks.

benhoidal: “Welcome back! With me today is none other than your very own Savage commissioner, dh555. dh, how are you doing today?”

dh555: “Hi ben, thanks for having me on.”

benhoidal: “dh, you have been credited with single handedly saving WIS basketball and injecting new life into this starved community. How did you come up with this brilliantly Savage idea?

dh555: “Well Savage came from the ashes of the failed OCP league I ran. It was a five season league, just not all at once. Unfortunately it only lasted one season. For any of you old heads out there, there’s some pretty classic scud material in the forums.”

A flashing link appears on the bottom ticker: https://www.whatifsports.com/forums/Posts.aspx?topicID=477054&threadID=10460041#l_10460041

benhoidal: “I miss scud. Last time I talked to him, he traded me Larry Bird for a bucket of bolts and a second round pick. Tell me, what are the toughest challenges you face while running Savage?”

dh555: “That’s an easy one. Checking all of the rosters for sure.”

benhoidal: “How do you stay free of all the drama?”

dh555: “I dunno...just try to move past it and appreciate that there are actually other weirdos out there that enjoy this strange hobby.”

benhoidal: “You are the third winningest user in Savage history. What do you attribute to your success?”

dh555: “I probably don't always have the strongest drafts, but I feel like I do a job of putting the puzzle together afterwards. My favorite part of Savage is that one night with some good drink/smoke/music when I get lost for a few hours in a haze of advanced stats.”

benhoidal: “What is your confidence level this season?”

dh555: “I'm at a 9 right now. Can't do 10 without a top 9 pick, but I usually do pretty well building these ugly DWade teams and I love my 3rd round options.”

benhoidal: “Which players were you hoping to draft this time around?”

dh555: “I really wanted to get Magic or Stockton at 24. Or maybe even both? That would have been fun.”

benhoidal: “Well sorry for stealing Stockton from you!”

dh555: “That’s alright, I…”

benhoidal swivels in his chair to face the camera and it zooms in on his face.

benhoidal: “Now over to ashamael for our Daily Top 10!”

We switch cameras over to another part of the studio where ashamael is standing in front of a large screen with the SAVAGE logo written in dark red across a white background.

ashamael: “Thank you ben. For today’s top 10 I will be talking about a topic I am intimately familiar with. The NBA has a long history of feuds between players. From Larry Bird and Dr. J, to Shaq and Kobe, to Charles Barkley and a salad, disputes are common. But what about feuds in our NBA SIM community? Here are the top 10!”

The image on the screen behind him is replaced by a graphic of a number 10.

ashamael: “Coming in at number 10, tanguma v. the entire ODL. There used to be a rule in the ODL: You could not start a player you didn’t draft. Tanguma ignored this rule. Repeatedly. When told to stop, he kept doing it and ******* at everyone in a foreign language. When threatened with admin intervention, he persisted. Eventually, admin removed him from the league, and he is the only known player to ever be blacklisted from the longest running draft league in the sim.”

A number 9 spins onto the screen behind him.

ashamael: “At number 9, we have the first of two Savage feuds. It’s amerk1180 v. albiband0. Okay, actually the feud was between amerk and myself, as albi is the nicest dude ever, but I’m on here a bunch so whatever. Anyways you guys know the story. albiband0 lives in Italy and takes a little long on a pick due to time zones. Amerk flips out as he often does, and long story short, ends up taking even more time on his picks and blames it on getting pegged by a prostitute.”

The number 9 is replaced by an 8.

ashamael: “At number 8, a feud I only know about anecdotally. It’s robusk v. cjok1051. This was over in ben’s ATBA and me and ben weren’t really getting along at this point in time (Don’t worry, we’ll get there). Apparently, CJ creates this alias named Fred and starts trading Magic Johnson, and Kevin McHale over to his other team which already has Karl Malone and John Stockton. There was no proof until admin finally stepped up 10 seasons too late and CJ was allowed to keep playing. Him and robusk had some epic finals matches, but the real drama happened off camera. In an unconfirmed rumor, robusk made CJ cry and CJ offered to tank a finals matchup if robusk would stop calling him a cheater. robusk ended up leaving the league before the evidence finally came out. CJ is now selling used cars in Oklahoma.”

The number 7 flashes on the big screen.

ashamael: “Number 7 is a personal favorite of mine. We have pennsylvania and smokey57 v. common sense. Honestly, I don’t know which one was sillier. On one hand you have pennsylvania storming the capital and claiming the Dunning Kruger effect every chance he gets despite proving his idiocy time after time. Then again, you also have smokey who would claim things as gospel that were clearly untrue such as dreb% not contributing to defensive rebounding or that the more free throws you drafted, the more likely you would be to foul the other team. Not making this stuff up.”

The number 6 shines brightly on the television.

ashamael: “Coming in at number 6, jpevans31 v. a good trade offer. Have you seen this guy’s posts in progressives? ‘In win-now mode, looking to get a really good player. Can trade one of D'Angelo Russell, Norm Nixon, Glen Rice or Raja Bell.’ Maybe I’m being too hard on him, since he isn’t the only one, but I just see things like this in every single one of his posts.”

The number 5 spins into view.

ashamael: “Alright, now we get to some real feuds. The real nasty ones that define this top 10. Coming in at number 5, we have the most Savage of feuds, bds9992 v. ashamael and robusk. I have been told specifically by my producer that in the name of diplomacy I have to read this script he wrote word for word, so here goes. ‘Ahem. bds9992, robusk, and ashamael all said some words. Some of those words were correct, some of them were not. Names were called, pistols were drawn, and many brain cells were lost by all who read their posts’… hmm, not exactly how I remember it. As I recall, bds started this whole thing by his ridiculous claim that…”

The broadcast goes static for a couple of seconds before coming back on. We see an image of a number 4 take over our screen before we zoom out and we see it the number is on the jumbo screen behind ashamael.

ashamael: “Okay, okay I’ll move on. Let’s get to number 4! It’s monkee v. seble! The king of aliases vs the king of ghosting. Monkee aka emonk aka monyet aka chester_o aka felonius aka copernicus aka who the **** else could he be just never knew when to stop. He teased. He cussed. He constantly tore into site administration, aka seble. Seble flat ignored WIS NBA most of the time, with the few exceptions of coming by, banning monkee from the forums, and then continuing to ignore the entire sim for about a decade before leaving the site to a new sim god. My favorite monkee story was when he wrote a big guide on how to win at the sim. It was complete garbage & misdirection, obvious tongue in cheek. Seble took it personally, banned monk, and made the big announcement that the user known as monkee / emonk / monyet / chester_O had been banned from the forums. It was revelatory as nobody knew about him being chester, and monkee often played with chester & one of the other aliases in most themes. I don't remember if he did anything hokey or not... but it was funny that I liked monkee but hated chester... and they were the same dude.”

We see a large number 3 take up the screen behind him.

ashamael: “Okay, we teased this one earlier, but it’s by far the biggest WIS NBA feud that doesn’t involve death threats. It’s the clash of the motherf*cking titans! It’s benhoidal v. ashamael! Now, I’m sure ben has a different version, but here’s mine. I was the king of WIS at the time and I was watching this new kid on the block fly up the standings. That was okay. Mostly. Then the allegations from our number 1 feud that we will get to in a few moments came out and I thought ben was cheating and making all sorts of aliases to trade himself the best players. While these allegations have mostly proved untrue, I also thought ben was taking advantage of lesser experienced or less talented governors. This was unequivocally true. It resulted in me being extremely ugly towards ben and ******* on his advertisements for leagues, trying to steer people away from being the next victims of Prog-lord Ben. Eventually, we came to an understanding and somehow, even became friends.”

ashamael takes a moment to compose himself. Then he looks right at the camera with a serious expression and takes two steps forward. He grabs the camera and puts his face directly in front of it. “I actually have a public service announcement. Don’t trade with ben. Just don’t do it. He always wins the trade. Seriously, don’t do it. This isn’t part of the feud, it’s just reality. Don’t trade with ben.”

He takes a step back from the camera and regains his composure. “If you thought that feud was going to be our only one with a happy ending… You’d be right! We’ve reached the Death Threat Tier!!!”

Ominous music starts to play and the number 2 flies onto the screen, but this one is covered in blood dripping down from it.

ashamael: “Coming in at number 2, ashamael v. 98average. Before I was Lord of the Rings (to be passed by like a car doing 50 on the interstate), 98average was the site ring king. I won 9 of my first 10 leagues, including my first ever ODL and 98average didn’t take it too well. He took an immediate disliking to me and constantly berated me in every league we were in together about one thing or another. He then took to naming teams after me, calling me Ashley, his daughter, and even stooped so low as to begin copying my winning teams in a desperate effort to hold me off from surpassing him in the Ring’s race (despite me playing in dramatically fewer leagues). As the gap closed, 98 sent me a sitemail issuing a death threat, saying that he’d take care of me personally where he couldn’t ever pass anyone on the rings’ list. I left the theme circuit after that and went anonymous for a long time. 98 disappeared.”

A number 1 with blood dripping down from it replaces the number 2.

ashamael: “Alright, here it is. The moment you’ve been waiting for. The biggest feud in SIM NBA history. benhoidal v. slashtc. Never before has a feud been so public, so raw. Long story short, ben tanked a game he shouldn’t have, and slash ended up threatening his wife on Facebook. There’s a whole lot else including multiple public threats against ben in other forums and leagues they were in as well as slash claiming that ben had aliases in the form of every single other governor in the league they shared including fellow savages, NotoriousJ, and jkaye24.”

ashamael turns to face another camera. “That’s all for our Daily Top 10. The biggest feuds in SIM basketball history. Back to you ben.”

We switch back to the main studio where benhoidal is staring into the teleprompter.

“Thank you ash. Honestly I’m surprised you weren’t in more of those feuds. Well, that will do it for this edition of Savage News on the Savage News Channel. We will be back next time with a mid-draft review. As always, have a SAVAGE day.”

The camera starts to slowly zoom out and take in the whole studio as a pleasant melody of notes starts playing in the background. The image is replaced by a white screen with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.
3/11/2021 1:31 PM (edited)
benhoidal
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Episode 3
Open to a news broadcasting studio. A camera crew is set up facing a large desk with monitors behind it. The monitors are all showing the words SAVAGE NEWS in big blue block letters. At the studio desk, we see user benhoidal looking into a teleprompter. We hear a deep baritone voice off screen say, “THIS IS SAVAGE NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE MOST SAVAGE UPDATES FROM THE MOST SAVAGE LEAGUE IN ALL OF WIS.” The camera moves around until all we see is benhoidal and the monitor behind him.

“Hello! Welcome to the Savage News Channel! Our show today is brought to you by State Farm. There’s no replacing the Real Chris Paul, unless you are using State Farm. I’m your host, benhoidal, and I will be here for all your Savage news all season long.”

A box appears over his right shoulder with a graphic of a large number 5.

“Our top story today, the fifth round has officially concluded and lineups are starting to take shape. Results from a recent league wide survey show that exactly zero users are happy with their current starting lineups and zero users are happy with the players that are still available to them.”

The image in the box fades away and a new image showing a stopwatch takes its place.

“After a fairly quick first two rounds, the draft has slowed to a crawl. We are well behind the pace of either of the last two drafts and at this rate, one has to wonder whether we are going to finish by the end of March. longtallbrad is no longer with us so there’s no blaming it on insomnia or on jcred5 this time around. One possible explanation: the woman known only as Peggy has expanded her clientele to other sim users. Originally thought to have been made up to excuse amerk’s hypocrisy, most users initially thought her to be nonexistent, but after further inspection, common perception now seems to favor Peggy being passed around more than a State Farm team and delaying other users from making their picks as well. Now, I’m not one to kink shame, but can you guys put those wallets away until after you pick please?”

The image in the box is replaced by the North Carolina Tar Heels logo.

“The early front runner for forum MVP has clearly been tarheel1991. Between his now legendary commentary on the whole ‘Peggy’ situation, and his exasperation with dh555 making us wait before taking who everyone knew he was going to take, tarheel has certainly set the bar high for anyone hoping to make their mark as this season’s funnyman. Will other users step up the comedy or does tarheel have it in the bag?”

The image in the box is replaced by a picture of Steve Kerr in a Cavs jersey.

“For what feels like the tenth straight draft, gerryred has selected Mark Price. This makes the gerry/Price combo the only pair to be together during all four Savage leagues. gerry, who has also drafted Kyle Korver three times, seems to have a thing for slow white guys. He’s not the only user with a type though. Between, pexetera’s refusal to draft real point guards, robusk’s insistence on point guard being the key to the whole draft, and amerk’s bedroom tendencies, we all have different positions we favor.”

The box over benhoidal’s shoulder disappears. He swivels in his chair to face a second camera.

“The world of Simleague Basketball has given us many controversial figures, from the rebellious anti-authority antics of monkee to the hot headedness of ashamael to the cold hearted, calculated trade shenanigans of the SIM-Devil himself. Yet when it comes to controversial opinions, one user stands alone. Whether debating the futures of tantalizing NBA prospects, the effectiveness of playing players out of position, or the secrets to the SIM engine itself, no governor has generated more heated debate. Fresh off his latest finals disappointment, this reporter was able to score an exclusive interview with the one and only bds9992. But first a quick word from our sponsor!”

The studio disappears off the screen and is replaced by footage of a basketball game. Our camera zooms into the action and we see that one of the two teams is wearing red jerseys with the State Farm logo in front. The other team is wearing generic blue jerseys. We focus in on the point guard of the red team who is dribbling the ball up the court. It is Chris Paul. Chris Paul proceeds to do a complicated dribble move to shake his guy, probes the defense, then passes the ball to a wide open teammate who misses badly. The blue team quickly pushes the ball up court and gets a layup. Chris Paul shakes his head in frustration, but brings the ball up the court again. This time, he spins around his defender, up fakes the help, and dishes a beautiful behind the back pass to a wide open teammate who again misses badly. The blue team gets the rebound, pushes the ball up the court and executes an alley-oop dunk. Chris Paul is visibly frustrated, but diligently brings the ball up once more. This time, he dribbles the ball back and forth between his legs a few times, dribbles around a pick set by his big, then lobs a beautiful dish right to the rim, where his teammate promptly misses the dunk. The blue team quickly gets the ball up the court and scores once more.

The whistle blows, and the teams head to their benches. Chris Paul is visibly upset and yelling at his teammates. The coach calls him over and we see that it is Jake from State Farm.

Chris Paul: “Jake from State Farm.”

Jake from State Farm: “Here’s the deal. There’s no replacing the Real Chris Paul, unless you are using State Farm.”

Chris Paul: “Wait. You mean, there’s no replacing me, JUST LIKE there’s no replacing State Farm right?”

Jake from State Farm: “Actually, I meant unless. You might be the best true point guard for most leagues, but when users use our State Farm strategy, they will be better suited using the New Chris Paul.”

Chris Paul: “The New Chris Paul?”

Jake from State Farm: “Yes.” He calls down the bench, “Hey, New Chris? You’re in!”

Chris Paul ***** his head to stare past Jake from State Farm, and we follow his gaze down the bench. Sitting at the very end is a short white guy with shorts that ride to his mid-thigh. The benchwarmer pumps his fist and runs past Chris Paul and Jake from State Farm to check into the game.

Chris Paul: “Him? Really? But I’m a better scorer, defender, and rebounder! Plus, I have way less turnovers! I’m basically better at everything!”

Jake from State Farm: “Not everything.”

The whistle sounds and we see the New Chris Paul dribble up the court. He doesn’t use any fancy moves, but instead comes to a very technical jump stop, makes sure both hands are placed directly behind the basketball, and fires a textbook bounce pass right into the hands of a teammate. The teammate rises and shoots the ball.

Chris Paul: “That won’t go in. That guy never makes it when I pass it to him.”

Swish.

Chris Paul’s jaw drops. “Lucky shot.”

We are greeted with a quick montage of textbook bounce and chest passes and swish after swish after swish.

Jake from State Farm: “Sorry Chris, there’s a New Chris Paul now.”

The video fades away and our screen turns red. A familiar jingle greets our ears as the State Farm logo appears across the screen. We hear Jake from State Farm’s voice ring out, “There’s no replacing the Real Chris Paul, unless you are using State Farm. Like a good neighbor, the State Farm strategy is there.”

The image fades away and the studio reappears. benhoidal is still sitting behind the news desk with an empty chair set up next to him. On top of the desk, we see a bobblehead of John Stockton in a red State Farm jersey.

benhoidal: “Welcome back! bds9992 was supposed to be joining me today, but my staff has been unable to locate him. In fact, it seems as though he hasn’t been spotted since losing the finals of the most recent $52 Million draft, despite having the best team in the league and a more than ten win advantage over his opponent. Eyewitness accounts of…”

All of a sudden, a trombone rendition of ‘We are the Champions’ by Queen starts blaring somewhere off screen. benhoidal stops mid-sentence to try and locate the sound.

bds9992 strides onto the set, wearing a backwards Suns cap and carrying a large trombone over one shoulder. Around his neck is what appears to be a gold medal made out of plastic. bds9992 strides over towards the news desk while still blowing his own horn. He crescendos the last few notes with exaggerated flare before setting the trombone down on top of the news desk. The trombone knocks over the Stockton bobblehead and it lands right in the lap of a clearly shocked benhoidal. bds9992 lifts his arms up and down to try to pump up the imaginary live crowd, then sits down in the chair offered to the side of the desk and props his feet up on top of the news desk.

bds9992: “ben! What a fabulous day it is! I’m so glad you decided to have me. Did you know I just won the $52 Million Championship? Have you ever won a title? Let me tell you, it’s a wonderful feeling.”

benhoidal: “... uhh…”

bds9992: “Don’t worry, you’ll get there.”

benhoidal: “Well, actually I have won a title or two.”

bds9992: “Oh really? Well, you and I are basically at the same level then.”

benhoidal: “Huh.”

bds9992: “Man, life just smells different today. You know what I mean?”

benhoidal: “No.”

bds9992: “It’s like I’m a whole new player. I bet I’ll be at 10 championships soon.”

benhoidal: “Not to derail your new outlook, but didn’t you just lose in the finals?”

bds9992: “Nonsense.”

benhoidal: “No, I’m looking at the results right now. You still haven’t won that elusive first championship. Your finals record is still sitting at 0-14.”

bds9992: “No it isn’t.”

benhoidal: “It is actually, look.”

bds9992 leans forward to look at the sheet of paper benhoidal has offered him. His eyebrows scrunch together. He removes a pen from his pocket and crosses something out on the piece of paper.

bds9992: “ben, I think you should look again. It pretty clearly says 1-13. You really should get your eyes checked.”

benhoidal: “Okay, well I see that this is going nowhere and we do have an interview to do here. Shall we just get started?”

bds9992: “Oh yes. You’re lucky I already booked this interview before my championship. I’m sure all the major fake SIM news networks are going to be calling soon.”

benhoidal: “Sure. Well, can you tell me a little bit about your SIM journey up until this point? In particular, how…”

bds9992: “So I technically joined the world of SIM way back in 2008, but I didn’t really take it seriously until 2014. Almost immediately, I started to find statistical gems that no one else seemed to value, but actually performed really well in the SIM. I realized that my approach to drafting was just different than others and I could really use that to my advantage. I found players such as Dana Barros just sitting there in the fourth round of draft leagues when really he isn’t that far off from someone like Steph Curry. I started doing really well in the ODL in particular, in fact I’m really proud of my 45 win career average in that league.”

benhoidal: “37.”

bds9992: “I’m sorry?”

benhoidal: “You’ve averaged 37.4 wins in the ODL.”

bds9992: “Pretty sure it’s 45. I would know.”

benhoidal: “Here at Savage News we have detailed records of every ODL dating back to when carbonjones was a rookie, sly was commissioner and everyone thought Oscar Robertson was a surefire 2nd round pick.”

bds9992: “45, 37, what’s the difference?”

benhoidal: “8 wins per season.”

bds9992: “We’ll have to agree to disagree.”

benhoidal: “Not really. But let’s not get sidetracked. You currently hold the record for most Finals appearances without a championship. What does that feel like, and what steps are you going to take to finally reach the promised land?”

bds9992: “Well ben, I was rising rapidly up the leaderboards. There was only one number that mattered to me: jyoti12791’s legendary record of 19,296 wins…”

benhoidal: “Wins with no titles.”

bds9992: “...sure, anyways I was so close to his wins record. Only a few hundred away.”

benhoidal: “Over 10,000.”

bds9992: “That’s pretty close.”

benhoidal: “Do you consider yourself good with numbers?”

bds9992: “Next question.”

benhoidal: “OK, moving on. You recently died in the second season of the hit SNN series Game of Zones: The Savage Lands. Your character was executed for crimes including SIM malpractice, disorderly drafting, and heresy against the Lord of the Usage Thread. Can you tell us a little bit about that? How did you react to your character’s fate, and what was your reaction to coming back as a White Walker?”

bds9992: “You know, honestly, that show is rigged. The trial was an absolute sham, and if the ballots were made public for all to see, we would see that I actually won the vote.”

benhoidal: “It was a public trial. You demanded trial by combat and lost.”

bds9992: “The actual trial never really concluded. amerk1180 and cmcafeeky never actually cast their votes, and ashamael was rudely interrupted before he could cast his, so the trial should have been thrown out.”

benhoidal: “I believe it was your character who interrupted ashamael, who was in the middle of a very obvious guilty vote.”

bds9992: “ash should never have been allowed to be a judge anyways. After what happened in the TEPL, it was a conflict of interest.”

benhoidal: “I wasn’t around during the TEPL. Can you explain a little bit of what transpired?”

bds9992: “Sure. ash kicked me out, because the minute you challenge the all-knowing ashamael, he’ll banish you whether you’ve actually done anything wrong or not. I mean, he had to realize that the Drexler trade really wasn’t a big deal, especially when I literally offered to give up LeBron in the interest of league parity. I was always a good sport in that league, and he’s never really forgiven me for that.”

benhoidal: “Hmm. Well, I did want to touch on the dust up between yourself and both ashamael and robusk. That little forum dispute you guys had got pretty Savage. I think I’m starting to see the origins of the conflict between yourself and ashamael, but can you enlighten us as to why there may be some bad blood between you and robusk?”

bds9992: “I guess Robert is just jealous of my 45 win average in the ODL. I really couldn’t tell you.”

benhoidal: “robusk, whose name is not Robert by the way, has won three titles in that league and has averaged 51.8 wins, the second highest of anyone with more than two seasons. You really think that’s the reason?”

bds9992: “It’s either that, or they’re upset that I won’t share my secret knowledge of the SIM code.”

benhoidal: “Secret code? That sounds interesting?”

bds9992: “Oh, great, you too. Listen, people keep asking me to explain my draft strategy, and then they’re savage with me when I actually answer them. They tell me it will never work and I don’t know what I’m doing. Then I give more reasons why it makes sense and proceed to finish 6th in the whole league, better than some of those asking the questions, I might add, but they won’t ever let it go. Certain people might want to actually learn how to win in Savage before they start acting like they know what they’re talking about. Don’t they know I’m a champion?”

benhoidal: “Well, since you’re not actually a champion, I’m sure they don’t know. But let me ask you something as long as we are going to keep up this pretense of delusion. The $52 Million league requires the champion to write evaluations. Are you going to be sharing any intel about your secret SIM knowledge during that process?”

bds9992: “No. I finally cracked the code and I’m not sharing it, no matter what. Speaking of evals, can you tell dBKC not to write any evals about my Savage squad? There’s no point unless they know my master plan.”

benhoidal: “What is your master plan?”

bds9992: “STOP ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF! The master plan is a closely guarded secret! You start by limiting shots per unit and target a certain number of points produced by those shots by reaching a certain TS% efficiency across the unit. You ever wonder why Mookie Blaylock and Paul George always seem to underperform? They shoot too much. Ultimately there is an upper limit to shots that the SIM can handle over the course of 48 minutes. Even if shots are triggered by the activation of usage, the SIM is required to give them to someone. Let’s say Giannis’ usage is activated and the SIM determines he’s going to make an assist. Who’s he passing to? Usage was already factored into the equation. Somebody needs to shoot, but it’s not Giannis. What’s the SIM going off of? I’d have to argue FGA. The...”

benhoidal: “Alright, alright, I get it. But wait a minute, aren’t you explaining yourself? Didn’t you just yell at me to stop asking you to explain yourself?”

bds9992: “Next question.”

benhoidal: “Uhh, okay. You have a new movie coming out don’t you? On the Savage Network no less. Can you tell my audience a little bit about it?”

bds9992: “Well, it’s called ‘Solo: A bds Story’ and the trailer should be coming out in the next couple of weeks. I’d say more, but just like my master plan… it’s a secret.”

benhoidal: “You can’t tell us anything about it?”

bds9992: “Nope.”

benhoidal: “Well, okay. One last question for you before you go. You made some comments during a recent Savage draft about DeAndre Ayton being a better prospect than Luka Doncic. Considering Luka is already a top 10 player in the league despite just turning 22, and Ayton is just okay, do you really believe this or were you just talking as a Suns fan?”

bds9992: “Well I have to imagine you’ve never seen Ayton play otherwise you’d have to agree with me. He has Dwight Howard's body and mobility, Zach LaVine's vertical, Yao's touch, and Enes Kanter's scoring skill. Can you imagine Dwight Howard with a 3? That's what we're possibly looking at. He’s only been in the NBA for two seasons so he’s definitely going to improve. I think he’ll be a top ten player in the whole league in a few years.”

benhoidal: “But isn’t Luka already a top ten player?”

bds9992: “Sure, but he’s plateaued. He’ll never get any better.”

benhoidal: “Even though he’s also only been in the NBA for two seasons?”

bds9992: “Yes, and it’s easy to see why. Luka has neither the reputation for being a pure shooter, nor the athleticism to get him to that next level.”

benhoidal: “But even if he never gets to another level, which considering he’s the best 22 year old ever is a real stretch, he’s already better than Ayton will ever be.”

bds9992: “You must not watch Suns games.”

benhoidal: “I do actually. I’ve seen a bunch of them the last two years.”

bds9992: “Then how can you possibly think he won’t be better than Luka?”

benhoidal: “Alright, this has gone on long enough.”

He quickly swivels in his chair to face the camera and it zooms in on his face.

benhoidal: “Now over to cmcafeeky for our Daily Top 10!”

We switch cameras over to another part of the studio where cmcafeeky is standing in front of a large jumbo screen and looking very salty.

cmcafeeky: “Top 10? Like a David Letterman thing?

F that…

I’m busy building a winning program over here...

I don’t have time for a top ten

hell.... I don't have time for a top 3... or a top 2

talk is cheap

winning isn't the main thing - it's the ONLY thing.”

cmcafeeky storms off screen.

The camera remains on the jumbo screen for a few seconds before switching back to the main studio where benhoidal is staring into the teleprompter with his mouth open. It takes him a couple of seconds to regain his composure.

“Wow. Well that was certainly something. I’m calling it right now. This will be the first Savage league where LeBron misses the top 10. Guaranteed. Well, that will do it for this edition of Savage News on the Savage News Channel. We will be back next time with a post draft analysis and our season preview. As always, have a SAVAGE day.”

The camera starts to slowly zoom out and take in the whole studio as a pleasant melody of notes starts playing in the background. The image is replaced by a white screen with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.
3/15/2021 3:57 PM (edited)
benhoidal
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Episode 4
Open to a news broadcasting studio. A camera crew is set up facing a large desk with monitors behind it. The monitors are all showing the words SAVAGE NEWS in big blue block letters. At the studio desk, we see user benhoidal looking into a teleprompter. We hear a deep baritone voice off screen say, “THIS IS SAVAGE NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE MOST SAVAGE UPDATES FROM THE MOST SAVAGE LEAGUE IN ALL OF WIS.” The camera moves around until all we see is benhoidal and the monitor behind him.

“Hello! Welcome to the Savage News Channel! Our show today is brought to you by Solo: A bds Story, coming soon to a desktop or mobile device near you! I’m your host, benhoidal, and I will be here for all your Savage news all season long.”

A box appears over his right shoulder with a graphic showing the Savage logo of a white background with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.

benhoidal: “Our top story today: The draft is over and the season is primed to start. 24 governors, 5 teams each, for a total of 120 teams and each and every one of them has a chance to win it all. There’s really nothing like it in all of WIS.”

The image in the box is replaced with a motherf*cking birthday cake.

benhoidal: “One of the toughest jobs in all of Savage is writing up evals for each team. With the amount of time it takes to put together all five teams, it’s a wonder anyone has the time to do it. This season the task was given to the reigning Savage King, dBKC who rose to the challenge and wrote brilliant evaluations for each and every team including a section where he suggested a pick he would have done differently for each governor. I for one, am shocked that dBKC was able to get more than three of them done and that he didn’t even wait until the season was done to do it.”

The image above his shoulder is replaced by a picture of an immensely overweight cow hunched over a computer screen.

benhoidal: “As we speak, governors are putting teams into worlds. As soon as the leagues are full, Savage commissioner dh555 will be putting the beefy solvers to work and setting the divisions up. As a refresher, each governor will play each other at least 11 times during the regular season and no more than 25.”

The image in the box is replaced with a stopwatch sitting on a pile of money.

benhoidal: “As the last stragglers enter their teams, the betting markets are going crazy over who they think will hold up the league the longest. Smart money early on seemed to be on either albiband0 or amerk1180 being the last one to enter, but with both governors getting their teams in among the first twelve, oddsmakers can’t seem to make up their minds. For what it’s worth, my money is on pexetera. I just have this feeling. Either that, or whomever is last in line with Peggy.”

The image in the box becomes a graphic of Godzilla fighting King Kong.

benhoidal: “Speaking of bets, did you guys see the wager ashamael proposed to bds9992? After going almost a full draft with limited controversy, the two got into another heated conversation at the end of the draft. Now, it was nothing like their arguments of old, but it still raised some eyebrows in the chat. I think it started with pexetera making an off handed comment about cmcafeeky being able to make the top ten, because ‘even bds made the top 10 with LeBron.’ bds got a little upset at this, ashamael responded with a funny gif, and the rest is history. Now in all fairness, bds9992 is much better than cmcafeeky at this game, so I understand where he is coming from. However, on the other hand, it just wouldn’t be Savage without a little back and forth between these two governors. Anyways, the bet is that neither one of them can mention the other one for the whole season. I don’t know whether bds will accept the wager or not, but I can’t wait until one of them accidentally loses next week.”

An image of a sparkling golden crown shimmers into the box above.

benhoidal: “Alright, alright. It’s time for some predictions. In the forums, pexetera, robusk, and ashamael have all ranked their top 10s with pexetera ranking his full 24. Now, to nobody’s surprise, both pexetera and ashamael ranked themselves as the top team. pexetera wisely included a disclaimer that he was only predicting for the regular season. robusk on the other hand, decided to be much humbler and place himself all the way down at number three.”

The box over benhoidal’s shoulder disappears. He swivels in his chair to face a second camera.

“We have a special treat for you today. We have decided to scrub our interview with ysw128 since every response was answered with the same three words. Instead, we will be taking questions all afternoon from the most Savage governors in all of WIS. If you would like your questions answered live on the show, please tag Savage News on Twitter and we will do our best to answer them. But first, a quick message from our sponsor.”

The studio disappears and our screen is momentarily dark. Then, a few stars shimmer into existence in the distance. Suddenly there’s a lens flare and a starship zooms onto our screen. Followed closely behind it we see two other smaller starships. The smaller starships are firing green lasers at the larger ship, which is veering left and right, and upside down trying to evade the weapons.

Our camera is suddenly inside the spaceship. At the pilot controls, face contorted in concentration, we see bds9992. He is wearing a long sleeved shirt with a deep v-neck. Over it, is a black vest with many pockets and at his waist sits a holster with a blaster rifle inside. Next to him amerk1180 sits in a large furry costume. Behind them stands a golden robot who looks a lot like robusk and a beautiful princess in a flowing white gown with the face of ashamael.

Princess Ash: “What are you doing? You’re not actually going to start Maurice Cheeks at power forward are you?”

bdSolo: “They’d be crazy to expect it, wouldn’t they?”

Princess Ash: “You don’t have to do this to impress me.”

C3PROB: “But Sir, the possibility of you successfully winning your first championship are approximately three thousand seven hundred twenty to one!”

bdSolo: “Never tell me the odds!”

Large yellow letters take over the screen, backdropped by the blackness of space and a few distant stars.

FROM THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU ‘LITTLE (GERRY)RED RIDING HOOD’, ‘YEAH, SURE, WHATEVER’, AND ‘AMERK HISTORY X’

A montage of different scenes follows.

We see bdSolo and Princess Ash staring daggers at each other.

bdSolo: “Look, your worshipfulness. Just pretend I said whatever you want me to have said and let’s leave it there.”

Quick cut to a gunfight in the halls of a massive battle station. bdSolo is flanked by a young man in a white tunic with flowing blonde locks and the face of dBKC. Both of them are firing their blasters and we see a number of stormtroopers returning fire. bdSolo throws aside his weapon and grabs a shield from a fallen trooper. “Look kid, just block all of their attacks. It’s the best way to win!”

More letters take over the screen.

THIS SPRING

Quick cut back to the starship. bdSolo turns to look at his furry friend. “Punch it Chewie! Peggy ain’t going to wait all day!” Next to him, amerk1180 pushes the throttle forward. Our camera flips to the exterior of the ship as the thrusters glow blue. The spaceship thrusts forward before abruptly disappearing.

Quick cut to a Mos Eisley bar where bdSolo is sitting across from the young man resembling dBKC and a much older man with a white beard and a face resembling dh555. bdSolo looks a little offended. “It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in seven parsecs or less! The Phoenix Sun here has outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I’m talking about the big Western Conference ships now. She’s fast enough for you old man! Plus, I drafted DeAndre Ayton as co-pilot instead of that Luka Skywalker kid, so it should be even better now.”

More letters take over the screen.

A HERO IS BORN

Quick cut to the Death Star where bdSolo is dressed in stormtrooper armor and listening to a comm unit in the center of a small room. “What is your serial number? How many championships have you won?” Instead of responding, bdSolo takes out his blaster and shoots at the comm unit, destroying it. He mutters to himself, “Boring conversation anyways.” He then raises his head and shouts down the hallway, “dB, we’re going to have company!”

Quick cut back to the inside of the starship. C3PROB turns his head to look at bdSolo. “Sir, if I could venture an opinion.” bdSolo instantly cuts him off. “I’m not really interested in your opinion 3PROB.”

More letters take over the screen.

A JOURNEY LIKE NO OTHER BEGINS

Quick cut to bdSolo being bound and lowered into a carbonite chamber. Behind him the black mask of Darth benhoidal gazes towards the camera. Princess Ash is struggling as she is being held back. “I’m just trying to help you!” The camera zooms in on bdSolo’s face as he is slowly lowered into the chamber. He rolls his eyes and says, “I know.”

Quick cut to an older bdSolo who is standing aboard his old starship and staring directly at the camera. “I used to wonder about that myself. Thought it was a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. How could stats like usage or efg% be more important than blk% or the combination of rebounds plus free throws plus shots. Crazy thing is… it’s true. The Force. The Usage formula. The Jedi… All of it… It’s all true.”

More letters take over the screen.

AND THE FATE OF THE GALAXY RESTS UPON ONE MAN’S ABILITY TO WIN A SINGLE CHAMPIONSHIP

Quick cut to a golden robot looking exasperatedly at the camera.

C3PROB: “We’re Doomed!”

More letters take over the screen and a familiar series of musical notes plays over.

SOLO:
A bds Story

Those words are replaced by the words,

Coming soon to a desktop or mobile device near you.

The image fades away and the studio reappears. benhoidal is still sitting behind the desk and is holding two tickets in his hand.

benhoidal: “Welcome back! At the end of today’s show we will be giving away two tickets to the premier of Solo: a bds Story to two lucky viewers. Call the number below for your chance to be the first to see it!”

At the bottom of the screen, the following appears:

CALL 1-800-SAVAGE TODAY!

benhoidal: “As the new season dawns, questions remain. Who will win the elusive Savage crown? Which divisions and worlds will be toughest? Which players will help or hurt their future stock the most? How does amerk’s *** feel this morning? Today, we will be taking questions from the most Savage governors in all of WIS to answer your most Savage questions. Before our commercial break, we asked viewers to send their questions to our Twitter feed. Here are some of the best.”

benhoidal swivels in his chair to face another camera. Behind him there is a large screen where we can see the questions as he reads them.

benhoidal: “Our first question today comes from @mustangsimlord. He asks,

‘Hi Ben, I’ve been driving myself mad trying to figure out which world to place my best team.
I can’t put it in world 1, because that’s where the lazy will go 1-2-3-4-5.
I can’t put it in world 2, because in Savage II I had a hell division there.
I can’t put it in world 3, because that’s where you always put your best team and where I had the absolute hell division last season.
I can’t put it in world 5, because the slightly less lazy will go 5-4-3-2-1, and dBKC is winning that world anyways.
And I can’t put it in world 4, because everyone will expect me to put it there due to the other things.
Please help me. Where should I put my best team?’

benhoidal: “Wow, that is quite the conundrum. You are right though, you can’t put your best team in any of those worlds. If I were you, I would just scrap your best team altogether and make five new teams without any of those players.

“Alright, next question. @commish555 asks,

‘Hi Ben, I’ve been doing pretty well in Savage. In fact, I’m one of only three governors to place in the top 10 all three times. But, I’ve never quite managed a podium finish. What do I need to do to reach that next level?’

benhoidal: “Well, you can start by asking someone who has done better than me in this format. Sure, I took third in the first go around, but please don’t look at how I did last season.

“Okay, what’s next? @memelordsupreme asks,

‘Hi Ben, love the show. I’ve actually been doing some writing in the forums lately, and I’ve been a bit disappointed in the response. I feel like I’ve created something awesome, but it seems that only the ‘Kool Kids’ are reading it. How do I reach a larger audience?’

benhoidal: “Hmm, if this is in regards to what I think it is, I don’t think you have to worry too much. Keep posting those awesome issues and the views and comments will come!

“Let’s see, we probably have time for two more questions. @MFBirthdayBoy asks,

‘Hi Ben, I have a problem. Somehow, I’ve been labeled as the nicest governor in all the sim and I just don’t get it. I’m clearly the most Savage governor on the site and destroy my opponents on a regular basis, but people just don’t take me seriously as the ruthless competitor I want to be. How’d you do it? Everyone knows you are merciless. They even call you the Sim Devil. What’s your secret?”

benhoidal: “I’ll tell you what. You tell me your secret on how you keep finishing in the top two of Savage every single season, and I’ll tell you how to be more cutthroat. Deal?

“Alright, let’s see what else we have here. @LPGA1180 asks,

‘Hi Ben, I missed your last show. Too busy having a Savage night with my girl Peggy. Can you please stop making jokes about me being racist? I have a black friend.”

benhoidal pauses for a second, then swivels in his chair to face another camera which zooms in on his face.

benhoidal: “Now over to jhsukow for our Daily Top 10!”

We switch cameras over to another part of the studio where jhsukow is standing in front of a large screen with the Savage News logo on it.

jhsukow: “Thanks ben, glad to be back on the show. Today for the Daily Top 10, we are going to be counting down the ‘Mark Price All-Stars.’ We will be listing ten of the most Savage governors who all seem to have a particular affinity for certain players. I have broken the list down into three distinct tiers for you.”

Behind him, the Savage News logo disappears from the screen and is replaced by a large number 10. The number disappears and we see highlights of various players about to be mentioned.

jhsukow: “This first tier is for the governors who have multiple players who have been on their teams more than once. Leading off the tier at number 10, we have jkaye24! In only two seasons of Savageness, jkaye24 is now two for two in regards to drafting Pau Gasol in the fourth round and is also reuniting with Jarrett Allen once more.”

A number 9 swirls into view behind him.

jhsukow: “Also in his second Savage season after a two season hiatus, kinoa1 joins the list at number 9. He returns to some familiar faces in Bobby Jones and JaVale McGee.”

Behind him we see the number 8 replace the highlights of JaVale McGee running the wrong way.

jhsukow: “Rounding out this first tier we have Midge, who reunites with Dave Cowens and Troy Murphy as well as being upset that he couldn’t draft John Havilicek again despite Havlicek being notoriously terrible. If you think that’s way too many white basketball players to want on your team, just wait until we get to number 1!”

A 7 flashes into view behind him followed by more highlights.

jhsukow: “In his own tier at number 7, we have tarheel1991. Tar hasn’t drafted anyone more than twice which prevents him from joining that top tier, but among players who have spent half of their Savage lives with tarheel are Tyson Chandler, Chris Mullin, David West, and Gordon Hayward.”

A 6 spins by on the big screen.

jhsukow: “Alright, here’s where we get to elite levels of ride or die loyalty. We’ve reached the top 6! Each of these governors have drafted at least one player, at least three times! That’s commitment. Starting this tier off is 24kpyrite. 24 has selected John Wall and PJ Brown twice, but did you know he has drafted Joe Dumars 3 times?”

A 5 replaces the number on the screen.

jhsukow: “Coming in at number 5, we have pexetera. Clint Capela, Jimmy Butler, David Lee, Ivica Zubac, and Delon Wright have all seen two successful seasons with one of the top Savage Governors. Ed Davis has done it three times.”

We see a large 4 spin into view behind him.

jhsukow: “At number 4, Larry Smith, Larry Nance Jr., and Oliver miller have had a double dose of jpevans31. Joe Ingles has been jinglin’ with jp three times. I’m as surprised as anyone he hasn’t offered to trade any of them for a first round pick.”

A number 3 is seen on the big screen.

jhsukow: “I think most people would love multiple chances with Gary Payton, Kyle Lowry, and Willis Reed. jcred5 has been lucky enough to grab each of them twice. It’s hard to imagine anyone not involved with KIA would be happy to draft Blake Griffin, yet jcred5 nabs him for the third time in this draft.”

The number 2 comes into view.

jhsukow: “Not too many governors can say that they have had the same first round pick more than once, but 20ks has ended up with KG in season 1 and season4. He has also gone back-to-back with Reggie Miller and JJ Redick in the first two seasons. Others in the two-time club for 20ks are Andersen Varejao (seasons 2 and 4) and Michael Ray Richardson (seasons 2 and 3). Finally, Peja Stojakovic has paired up with 20ks three times. Twenty, I think if you want to improve on your Savage finishes, you should stop drafting the same crappy players.”

A large number 1 flashes into view and pulsates on the screen a few times, before being replaced by clips of a bunch of white guys shooting threes.

jhsukow: “Coming in at number 1, there could be no one else here except for the one and only gerryred. It had to be. Aside from Jason Terry, Roy Tarpley, Clarence Weatherspoon, Patty Mills, and A.C. Green twice each, gerry is now famous for taking Mark Price in the third round of EVERY SINGLE SAVAGE DRAFT as well as taking Kyle Korver between rounds four and six in EVERY SINGLE SAVAGE DRAFT. That’s four in a row for both of them! I for one hope to see the streak continue in future iterations of Savage. Back to you ben.”

We switch back to the main studio where benhoidal is staring into the teleprompter.

“Thank you jhsukow. At this point I think gerryred has had more white guys on his teams than an amerk golf trip. Well, that will do it for this edition of Savage News on the Savage News Channel. We will be back next time with our overreactions to the early season results. As always, have a SAVAGE day.”

The camera starts to slowly zoom out and take in the whole studio as a pleasant melody of notes starts playing in the background. The image is replaced by a white screen with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.
3/29/2021 10:53 AM (edited)
benhoidal
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Episode 6
3/8/2021 3:57 PM
benhoidal
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Episode 7
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benhoidal
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Episode 8
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benhoidal
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Episode 9
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benhoidal
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Episode 10
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benhoidal
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Episode 5
3/8/2021 3:57 PM
benhoidal
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If anyone would like to book an appearance on the news show, either as an interviewee or as a host for the Daily Top 10, please just let me know! Full warning: There may some jokes at your expense!
3/8/2021 3:58 PM
dh555
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well done ben

the moon commercial had me cracking up...especially the mchale part

3/8/2021 4:09 PM
robusk
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" Will ysw128 ever find the shift key? " - hahahaha
3/8/2021 4:17 PM
robusk
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Great stuff man... although TOP HALF of the first are your words, not mine.
3/8/2021 4:17 PM
Midge
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Who call him quinoa? I thought his name was Joaquin.
3/8/2021 4:20 PM
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