COOPERSTOWN, NY (AP) - Major League Baseball Hall of Famers and active players stormed the quaint city of Cooperstown today in protest of recent "ominous, idiotic" trends in Whatifsports Sim League baseball. Angered by the disrespect shown to HOF'ers and all stars in open leagues, many legends took to the streets.
"It's an abomination, plain and simple. Sadie McMahon threw underhand for crissakes, and he gets more innings in one season than I do in fifty," complained Steve Carlton, in a rare moment of outspoken candor with the media. "I'd like to see Al Orth face McCovey in Wrigley a few times, that'd fatten up his stupid hr/9 stat." Hoyt Wilhelm and Rollie Fingers were on hand representing legendary relievers, lamenting "it really bites my *** to see Barry Latman pitching for half the teams. I mean, I know he had a few effective innings in '58, but to be honest, the guy's career can't touch Aaron Sele's jock."
Pitchers are not the only victims. "Ya know, you'd think with all those extra base hits, great defense, and homers I hit, I'd get a shot once and a while," carped HOFer George Brett. Joe Morgan continued "I know Bid McPhee and Ski Mellilo are legendary baseball names, but I had a few good seasons too you know." Legendary outfielders with names like Mays, Musial, Snider, as well as a few active players like Jones, Hunter, Griffey, were on hand to voice their complaints. "Richie Ashburn's friggin' legs are going to fall off. How many seasons can that runt play before he pops a knee," whined Snider, continuing "if I played in that giant cow pasture Shibe with a bunch of flyball pitchers, I'd have some bloody range factor numbers that'd singe your hair. I could cover ground." Torii Hunter could only shake his head "Taylor Douthit, Chet Lemon, bite me."
Attorneys for the HOF'ers are filing complaints in federal court against the programmers of whatifsports. David Boies, lead counsel, summarizes the situation "There are serious issues with the credibility and playability of this sim. If certain irregularities in the sim engine are not addressed, I am afraid we will never be able to know the true credibility of these league results." All parties hope for a speedy return to something resembling reality, where speedy fielders, cavernous ballparks, and pitchers with statistical "illusions" built into their records do not routinely knock off players with proven, sabremetric value.
Attorneys for whatifsports could not be reached for comment.