that's freakin' hilarious. Needed a good laugh!!

In an upscale neighborhood in downtown Detroit Michigan, America's two favorite GridIron Dynasty interviewers sit comfortably at a booth in a
crowded Outback Steakhouse, surrounded by empty "Chocolate Thunder From Down Under" dishes.  Or one of them is, anyway.

2chair: Most coaches spent at least 4-5 seconds thinking about the new engine before they decided what they thought. How long did you need to
form opinions about the new engine?

BHaz: I pride myself in my ability to logically sit down, weighing the pro's and con's of something, and spend the necessary time to fully
grasp all of the subtleties of a new situation before forming an opinion.  In this case, I didn't do that, and decided to hate it before
it was even announced.  In fact, I strongly considered hating it before I had even heard of Gridiron Dynasty, but my cooler side prevailed.

2chair: Cooler side.  Right.  Hey, was that a gunshot?

BHaz: I'm not certain, but our server IS wearing a bullet proof vest.

2chair:  Oh.  I thought that was just an industrial strength apron. Have you considered hiring Mike Leach as your new coach? If you did,
would you lock him in a closet until he found a successful game plan on the new engine?

BHaz: I would, but only if I could coach be at a school with the nickname "Pirates" as that would be the only way to keep him focused.
And that second part must be a trick question - there's no such thing as a successful game plan on the new engine.

2chair: In that case, would you consider locking Matt Millen in a closet until he discovers a game plan which works on the new engine?

BHaz:I think that would be considered a public service, so yes.

2chair: Has Suzy Kolber responded to your offers to be a sideline reporter at your simulation games?

BHaz: Suzy was initially drawn to the idea, until she actually read the play-by-play of one of my games. "There's no way I can cover than many
injuries AND keep an eye out for Joe Namath" she told me, right before she put my phone number in her "Call Block" list.

2chair: Does clicking on the ad banners at www.gdreports.com really give you superpowers, and if so, what kind of superpowers are they?

BHaz: I cannot confirm or deny that no superpowers are given to you when you click on the ad. Everyone will need to click on an ad themselves and
find out for certain.  However, I understand it is more likely to have some effect if you come back to the web site every single day and click
an ad.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

2chair:  Hey wait a minute.  That wasn't one of my questions. How did that thinly-veiled  advertisement get in there?

BHaz:  <shrugs with fake innocent look on his face.> It must have slipped in when you were eating that last Chocolate Thunder From Down
Under.  For about 90 seconds there, you had this glazed chocolate look in your eyes...

2chair:   When it gets to 95 seconds, will you let me know? That means I have gone into a diabetic coma. But at 90 seconds, I am safe eating more
Chocolate Thunders from Down Under.

BHaz: No problem. You know, I said "about 90 seconds." It could have been more.....

2chair: Whatever. I am not in a coma, so it could not have been more than 94.5 seconds. It's all good. Back to the real questions.There is
another rumor going around that the secret to winning games with the new engine is to watch the movie Gigli five times and then five hours of
Justin Bieber videos. Is this rumour true?

BHaz: Actually that is partially true.  The thinking behind the concept is that if you watch five hours of Justin Bieber videos, your brain will
turn to mush.  At that point, you will still lose randomly to SimAI teams, but since you will be in a semi-vegetative state, you won't care.

2chair: What about the Gigli part?

BHaz: Oh, that's just because I like that movie a lot.

2chair: Hold on! Friends don't let friends admit to liking Gigli - even in jest. Would you like to add anything to that answer?

BHaz: Sure - during the time that question was being answered, my body was possessed by joannes3000.  He's got a girl's name anyway.

2chair:  Well if Justin Bieber and Gigli arent the answer, what is?  Studying game plans?  Emphasis on Recruiting?  Making best advantage of
player matchups?  Learning the nuances of every formation at various levels of aggressiveness at each down and distance?

BHaz:  Alright, I'll tell you.  The secret to winning ....  hey, did you really eat all 25 of those Chocolate Thunder From Down  Unders?

2chair:  Just twenty two.  I stuffed three into my back pocket to take home for later.  The secret?

BHaz:  Right.  The Secret.  The secret is ... seriously?  Your back pocket?  That's disgusting.

2chair:  I had these pants specially made with containers to keep the desserts safe.  Does my butt look fat? Never mind.    Back to the
Secret!

BHaz: Yeah, yeah, ok.  The secret is...  {whispers in 2chair's ear}

2chair:  REALLY? I had no idea! It's so .... simple! It is amazingly simple! CHAMPIONSHIP!! {starts inputting new settings into GD rosters}

BHaz: Do you think anyone will be angry if we do not post the secret in the forum?

2chair: Yes, they probably will. But your teaser said that you would tell me. Which you did. There was nothing in there about posting The
Secret in the forum. This is so friggin' great. I have the secret, and I will DOMINATE as long as you don't tell anybody else. {pause} You're -
NOT - going to tell anyone else are you?

BHaz: What I just told you? Of course not. You have my word of honor.

2chair: This is the best thing to happen to me since I ordered 22 Chocolate Thunders from Down Under and only got charged for 20 of them.
CHAMPION.....{2chair's eyes glaze over. BHaz starts timing how long this spell lasts}

BHaz: OK, I should have at least 90 seconds before he snaps out of this. I can't believe 2chair thinks that recruiting only players with the
letters "J" or "C" in their names is the winning strategy. Shoot, for all I know, it might BE the winning strategy. There is no
system that works yet...This must be what it's like to coach at Notre Dame these days......2chair! 2chair! Wake up! It's been 92
seconds!

2chair: - SHIP!!

Hell, the suspense of this story is a lot better than reading a WIS play-by-play.......and a lot more realistic too!

Thank you. Our interview skills strive to deliver a realistic outcome.

 

Yes folks, 2chair escaped from rehab just to participate in another bi-directional interview.

It is a dark and stormy night in East St. Louis, Illinois, where we find Coach 2chair walking into a Waffle House at 3:00 am.

"Welcome to Waffle House," calls a waitress.

"Don't you mean, welcome to Whole Foods?" asks Coach 2chair.

"No," replies the waitress.

"I would like 694 orders of hash browns, smeared, smarmy and smoked, - hey those are gluten free, right?"

"No, they aren't free," snaps the waitress. "You have to pay for the food, jackass. What do you think this is - the Salvation Army?"

"No, I think it's Whole Foods," replied 2chair. "Well, close enough. Bring on the hash browns. Oh, and when I ask for the check and wink at you, will you pass me a slip of paper with a question written on it?"

"For an extra $50.00," replied the waitress.

"DEAL!" exclaimed 2chair as he sipped his coffee and handed over the money.

Bob Hazlewood, a/k/a/ GodsGiftToGridironDynasty, arrived and sat down. "I am not getting enough screen time," complained Bob immediately. "We are several minutes into this bi-directional interview, and I have not even been asked a question yet!!"

2chair: "Let's get right to it, then. What could you possibly be doing in East St. Louis, IL on such a dark and stormy night fit neither for fish nor fowl nor man nor beast?"

BHaz: "Let's just say that I've been looking at ..... punter prospects. I have to find that 38-24-38 Adrienne Barbeau lookalike. I would have invited you, but I understand all your credit cards are maxed out."

2chair: "Whatever. When you won your first GD championship, was it the greatest day of your life?"

BHaz: {glaring}

2chair: {eating hash browns with two forks}

BHaz: {glaring}

2chair: "Oh, I'm sorry, I was hoping you would ask ME that question."

{BHaz and 2chair stare at each other}

2chair: "Uhhh, OK then. Yesterday, you bragged about being ranked 16,201st on the list of Best GD Coach Who Has Not Won A Championship. I checked this morning. You're now down to 16,202nd after being passed by caesari. Any comment?"

BHaz: "Anyone that's played this game for any length of time knows that early season rankings mean nothing - NOTHING, I TELL YOU! Besides that, the team that passed me was coached by a guy that probably roots for Notre Dame, and everyone knows the game has a built in bias towards Notre Dame. Are you seriously going to eat all those hash browns?"

2chair: "Why, do you want some? Because you can order them yourself. When GD 2.0 came out, you told me that the secret to success, the secret that would make me DOMINATE GD and win CHAMPIONSHP! after CHAMPIONSHIP! was to recruit only players whose initials were "J" and "C" on the basis that JConte's code was 'JC=win' and 'SimAI=win.' Sir, I accuse you of selling me a bill of goods. Although I had some winning records and conference titles, I neither DOMINATED nor won a single CHAMPIONSHIP! Do you have any explanation for the EPIC FAILURE of your so called secret?"

BHaz: "Did you actually recruit players with the initials 'J' and 'C'?"

2chair: {rubs his chin} "uuuuuuhhhhhhhh, no, not really."

Bhaz: "Well there you go. I'm not sure how effective it really is, however. I tried it for several seasons and had a roster filled with 'Jose Cruz' and 'John Cristenson' and 'Joakim Crittendorf'. It made setting my depth charts hell, because at one point I had 8 guys named Jo.Cruz on my offensive line. John Cleese was a terrible wide receiver with all those silly walks he did. Johnny Cash just wanted to get drunk and sing about prison, and Johnny Carson was better at post game interviews than actually playing. Joan Collins and Julie Christie were terrific punters. Jackie Chan was pretty good but never realized that kicking other players is a penalty. Jane Curtin and Jim Carrey were great fun off the field but worthless on it. All James Caan did was complain about getting shot in toll booths. I tried to sign Jesus Christ, but my idiot of an assistant coach took Jesus Christ to a strip club during a campus visit. Interestingly enough, Jesus signed with the University of Miami Hurricanes."

2chair: {about to finish his first 694 servings of hash browns} What about James Cameron?

BHaz: Yeah, as soon as my team signed Cameron, we went down like the Titanic. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Get it? Cameron threw 493 interceptions in one season and got me fired, actually. Well him and Johnny Cochran with his "If he gets another loss, he shouldn't be the boss!!!" schtick.

2chair: {to himself} "Hey, wait. I remember that I called the Whole Foods manager before I came here. He said that today only, EVERYTHING is gluten free. {to the waitress} Can I get 300 orders of toast, 200 of sausage and 49 fried eggs over easy? {to BHaz} OK, I have more questions. Great, uh, questions. You know, I'm still a bit annoyed that you thought one of my great questions was fed to me by someone. That insults my, uh, integ..integr...character. OK, I have a great question - hold on {winks at waitress and requests his check}.

Waitress {brings a small piece of paper and hands it to 2chair along with his order} Here's your {makes quotation marks sign with her fingers} check 2chair."

2chair: {To BHaz} "OK, I have this great question, but I need to look at my {makes quotation mark sign with fingers} check first. {looks}. OK, here is my great question. Why do you sit here and listen to all of 2chair's idiotic bullcrap?"

Bhaz: "What? Oh, sorry, I was on the phone with my broker, telling him to buy stock in any pharmaceutical company that makes a cholesterol medication. I'm going to invest all my earnings from Guess Reports. I'm feeling Very Aggressive.

2chair: I know my broker loves it when I wake him up at 3:00 AM to invest $10.00.

BHaz: $12.47 actually. As to your question... It's only because you wrote most of this segment. Believe you me; I am getting WAY MORE screen time when I have script control!!!!!!! And enough with the fart jokes already! {turns to face camera} How's that for breaking the fourth wall?"

2chair: {making sandwich with fried eggs, sausage, hash browns and 54 pieces of toast} Wow! This will be great! I need catsup!

BHaz: "I thought you couldn't eat anything with wheat?"

2chair: "It's cool. The Whole Foods guy promised me that everything is gluten free today. No wheat, no gluten. This gluten free bread actually tastes like - bread. Most gluten free bread tastes like a lump of wet sand in my mouth."

BHaz: "I'm not sure how to tell you this....but we are at Waffle House."

2chair: "Not Whole Foods?" {slowly puts sandwich down}

BHaz: "No."

2chair: "Uh oh." {chuckles} "I -- GUESS --- I won't get invited back here for awhile..."

BHaz: {slowly stands and puts on his jacket.} "Excuse me for a minute... I, uh.. I need to go wash my hands" {Instead of heading to the bathroom, Bob begins sprinting for his car}

2chair: "Hey, BOB! Can you give me a ride home? Where are you going? I need a ride!!"

BHaz: {from outside} "Too bad. Unlike GD 1.0, I - PASS - ON THAT OPPORTUNITY - HAHAHAHAHA"

2chair: "I still don't get that comment. I wonder if it's a joke. I shouldn't have let Bob write that line. Oh, well. Maybe I can do a 'one cheek sneak' {cuts one so loud that dogs two blocks away start barking}. I guess not."

Waitress: {grabs nose and fans the air with newspaper}

2chair: Yeah, I know where the door is. I will leave it propped open.

NEXT : 2chair's "Theory of Everything GD, and the Sinister Forces Behind It."

bump

I loved reading all these for the first time. Some really good comedy here.

Here is the other great one.