And now, part 2 of ChairTrek 3 - The Search for BHaz
{Scene change - 2chair, snake_p, polabones, Arfy, harriswb30, jc1796/nurse chapel all rush onto the bridge where caesari/Uhuru is sitting in citizenkane's lap. Upon seeing everyone, caesari/Uhuru jumps up}.
caesari/Uhuru: {normal voice} Uh, just giving {clears throat - now in falsetto voice} passing along orders to citizenkane, captain.
2chair: Dammit caesari/Uhuru! You're wearing a short dress! {clenches fists} You've. Got. To. Shave. Your. Legs! {turns to citizenkane} citizenkane! Lay in a course for South Beach, Miami!
citizenkane: {blushing} Uh, in a happy coincidence, captain, we are already, uh, headed on that course. Orders from uh -
caesari/Uhuru: {falsetto voice} from Star Fleet. Just came in.
2chair {spins quickly} Arfy! Put a tractor beam on BHaz's coffin! And beam it - HERE!
Arfy: I'm already doin' it ye blootered dunderhead! Ye need to shet yer piehole ye minger!
2chair: BOOOOONNNNNNEEEESSSSSS!!!! What does Arfy mean?
snake_p: He means that if you don't shut up, you will spend the rest of your life shoveling elephant poop in a Cambodian prison. {BHaz's coffin is beamed on to the bridge. The coffin is emblazoned with a Guess Reports Logo}
snake_p: BHaz! {uses Vulcan pinch grip to open coffin revealing BHaz inside. Fortunately, BHaz was not embalmed or cremated, nor has his body deteriorated in any way. While physically impossible, the plot would be ruined otherwise}.
snake_p: Now if I can place this memory stick in his hand, while placing my hand around his hand, I can do some badass Vulcan stuff and bring BHaz back to life. {snake_p focuses intently on bringing BHaz back to life. Everyone else watches - except caesari/Uhuru who is sitting in his chair and facing citizenkane. He is checking out caesari/Uhuru and winks}
snake_p: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!! It's not working - something is missing!
2chair: BOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEESSSSSS!!! Do something! We. Must. Bring. BHaz. Back.
polabones: DAMMIT 2CHAIR! I'M A DOCTOR - NOT A - ah, crap. I keep forgetting I have to handle medical emergencies. {Runs to BHaz's corpse and grabs it. He begins slapping BHaz's face} DAMMIT BHaz!! You have to live! We can't do this without you!! If you aren't around, it means more lines for 2chair in the next sequel!!!! {begins violently rocking BHaz's corpse and slamming his head against the floor} DAMMIT BHAZ!! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN T.J. HOOKER!! YOU'VE GOT TO LIVE!!!
snake_p: It's not working! You're killing him!! Or, well, if he weren't already - it's not working!!
jc1796: DAMMIT! I'm a man! You want to slap somebody around?? Slap me around!! I'm 40! I'm a man!!! I can take it!
caesari: {regular voice} WAIT! {clears throat - falsetto voice}: Wait! I am clicking on the ad banners at www.guess.gdreports.com! Maybe that's the missing link!
snake_p: Stop beating him - wait - I think I felt a faint pulse!
2chair: EVERY.ONE. Get your handheld device, quit watching Baywatch and click on the ad banners! It. May. Be. Our. Only. Chance.
Arfy: We've already started doin' it ye dobby scunner! {Everyone on the bridge frantically begins clicking on the ad banners at www.guess.gdreports.com}
polabones: I'm feeling a pulse - his breathing is shallow - COME ON, BHAZ!!
Arfy: Aw, shite! This mingin poo of a webserver crashed! What a honkin' heid-the-baw!
snake_p: Can you hear me son? Can you hear me?
{After a few seconds of silence, BHaz opens an eye. He sees 2chair's face and stares at 2chair for a long moment}
BHaz: I used to call you........................... .............. ......... bucketass.
{All the humans (except 2chair) erupt with cheers}
Arfy: BHaz nae was a dunderhead!!
snake_p: A most logical nickname, son. On planet Vulcan, we refer to him as 'Captain ButtPlanet.'
BHaz: Logic dictates I use that nickname henceforth.