Greatest GD Thread in the History of WIS GD Topic

Bob... that was a brilliant piece.

I did enjoy being the hero in Katz's as well. LOL that's a rarity it seems, I am usually the lap sitting crossdresser.
12/4/2013 12:17 AM
Posted by caesari on 12/4/2013 12:17:00 AM (view original):
Bob... that was a brilliant piece.

I did enjoy being the hero in Katz's as well. LOL that's a rarity it seems, I am usually the lap sitting crossdresser.
You're right, caesari. There was nothing heroic about rebuffing 2chair's advances, clicking on the banner ads at GDReports, or hitting on the idea that saved BHaz's life.

Honestly, the egos we writers have to deal with.
12/4/2013 6:47 AM
Posted by caesari on 12/4/2013 12:17:00 AM (view original):
Bob... that was a brilliant piece.

I did enjoy being the hero in Katz's as well. LOL that's a rarity it seems, I am usually the lap sitting crossdresser.
This is make believe Caesari not reality.
12/4/2013 9:59 AM
TwoChair Productions
A TwoChair Ramble

sponsored by
Your ad here - call 1-800-widebutt for more information
Chasing GD
{Camera shows a dimly lit bar near the wharves of Vladivostok at night. The bar is named harrisbw30 Wodka Joint. A slogan beneath the sign reads "Where The Men Are Men And So Are The Women." It does not seem to be a popular place with the longshoremen or sailors. The camera takes the viewer inside where we see "Silent Bob" Hazlewood slumped in a booth drinking coffee. He seems to be ignoring his friend mojolad who is doing all of the talking. Behind the bar is harrisbw30 wearing a retro Star Trek T shirt. Sitting at a piano, caesari and citizenkane are playing a duet of something which vaguely sounds like Elton John's song "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Nobody pays much attention when Arfy walks inside and steps up to the bar.}
harriswb30: yeah?
Arfy: A shot of your best stuff. And another round for Silent Bob and mojolad.
{harriswb30 pours three shots and puts them on the bar in front of Arfy}. Ten dollars. I do not take rubles. Or whatever Russian currency is now. I do not know what it is even.
Arfy: {throws a ten on the bar and picks up the shots}: Keep the change. {he walks to the table where Silent Bob and mojolad are sitting. mojolad is bragging about his "Kama Suture" and "Tantrum" sexual prowess. He stops when he and Silent Bob see Arfy}.

Arfy: Gentlemen! Have a round on me! {All three drink their shot. Silent Bob shows no reaction. Arfy and mojolad both gag. Arfy turns towards harriswb30} Where did you make this stuff? A latrine?
harriswb30: Uuuuhhhhhhh, ancient Chinese secret. Distilled with finest ..... stuff.
mojolad: Yo, man, we're like in Russia dude. Chinese totally don't make vodka.
harriswb30: uuuuhhh, I am from part of Russia on Chinese border. We share recipes across border.
Arfy: Can I get some water?
harriswb30: What you think this is? Beauty parlor. All I have is wodka.
Arfy: Ok, ok, just bring a different type of wod - vodka. {Turns to Silent Bob} Are you ready for the interview about GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: Which will be remembered as a turning point in the history of GD 3.0 where the engine was explained, and people referring to this interview and who clicked on the ad banners at would understand how to win?
Silent Bob: {nods}

Arfy: OK, great. Let's get started! What a coup this will be for me!
{harriswb30 brings three shots. Arfy gives him another $10.00. All three men drink the shots. Silent Bob shows no reaction to the shot. The other two spit the wodka back in the glass}.
mojolad: It tastes like rat ****!
harrisbw30:{thinks a moment} Uuuuuhhhh, is not RAT ****.
Arfy: Let's get this interview done before he tries to sell us anything to eat. Bob, how do you like GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}

Arfy: Uh, do you like it better than 2.0?

Silent Bob: {nods head}
Arfy: Better than 1.0?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: Feel free to give a, you know, verbal response to these questions.
Silent Bob: {nods}
mojolad: Why don't you interview me? I can tell you about the engine. I had a jacked up Corvette once -
Arfy: {ignoring mojolad}: Can you identify any key points about GD 3.0 which every owner should know and understand?
Silent Bob: {shrugs - then shakes head}

Arfy: Are you even planning to say anything?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}
{Door opens and 2chair walks in holding a magazine. He orders a shot for which he pays $10.00 and tips harriswb30 $10.00. Drinks the shot}
2chair: I love this stuff! Love it!
Arfy: Hey, can we get three shots, make that four shots of whatever 2chair was just drinking?
{2chair comes and sits down with the other three. caesari and citizenkane are now playing something which might be "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." harriswb30 brings four shots and charges $10.00 for all four. Arfy pays and tells harriswb30 to keep the change. 2chair does not wonder why four shots were $10.00, and his one shot was $10.00}
2chair: I came over here to read my latest reviews. But first, let's drink a toast to another critical success! {Raises shot glass; they all drink. Even Silent Bob winces a bit. mojolad and Arfy discreetly dump the shots on the floor}: God, I love this stuff! Best wodka in the world! {opens paper} OK, here are the reviews. {reads} Hhhhhmmmm.....this one says that "2chair's writing made me reconsider whether mankind should have developed the ability to write in the first place." Another says "dialogue so bad, I bet 2chair could strike out in a whorehouse." Another just wrote "BarfTrek Ad Nauseum."

Silent Bob: {nods}{vigorously}
2chair: These gentlemen have an unorthodox way of saying that I am the greatest writer, actor, director and artist in the history of the world.

Silent Bob: {rolls eyes}

mojolad: {starts to speak but Arfy and Silent Bob kick mojolad under the table}
2chair: Well, gentlemen, I must be off to read and answer my fan mail. {stands} Barkeep! Another round for these three! On me! Here's a $20.00.

harriswb30: three shots is $40.00.
2chair: Oh! Sorry. Here's a $50.00! keep the change! {exits}
mojolad: Why couldn't he be Silent Bob?

Arfy: Let's see if we can finish the interview before - {harriswb30 brings shots} - never mind. {shots remain on table}. OK, how do you like the user interface on GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shrugs}

Arfy: Anything to tell us about gameplanning? Recruiting?

Silent Bob: {shakes head}

Arfy: You do know, don't you, that it's customary for a person being interviewed to - say something????

Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: Did you bring any written materials I could use to have some kind of response?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: Why did I even come here? This is ridiculous!!!

Silent Bob: {shrugs}
Arfy: One last try - is there anything - anything at all - that you would like to share with GD 3.0 coaches which might be helpful?

Silent Bob: {shakes head}
Arfy: {slams pen onto table in disgust} This was nuts! Why did I even come here? Neither of you has any future in GD 3.0! {stands and starts to leave}

Silent Bob: You're chasing GD.
Arfy: What?

Silent Bob: You're chasing GD.
mojolad: See, this silent routine makes people listen as though he actually has something to say. What a pile of crap.
Silent Bob {to mojolad}: All you do is yap yap yap. You're giving me a bigger headache than this vodka. Just shutup for once. {turns to Arfy} I went through something like this a couple of years ago.
Arfy: {sits down and turns on tape recorder}: Great! Let's hear it!

Silent Bob: It was something I went through professionally a couple of years ago. When I say "partner," I just mean "business partner," okay? {points at caesari and citizenkane who are playing what might be "Yellow Brick Road"} I'm not like those two. Allright?

Arfy: Sure.
mojolad: You had a partner? How come I didn't know about this? Just a couple of years ago?
Silent Bob: Dude, the stuff you don't know about me would fill 50,000 terabytes of storage space. Did you ever know I was a dancer in Las Vegas?

mojolad: whoa. Awesome.

Silent Bob: Anyway, I had this business partner a couple of years ago. We were like Picard and Number One, Frodo and Sam. All the code we wrote was just kickass like reading Dune for the first time, you know? So we are looking at making even more cash than I made as a stripper in Vegas, but after four months, the idiot gear kicks in. I want to hear about some of his old jobs. You know how it is, I don't want to know, but I have to know, you know what I mean?
Arfy: {shakes head}

Silent Bob: {hands Arfy a shot} Drink that, and it will make sense. OK, so I ask this guy about his prior job, and he tells me that used to work for Microsoft. And he totally agreed with Microsoft being a monopoly and protecting their code and all that monopoly junk they did. So I am like totally freaked out by this. I mean, I was raised Catholic, right?

mojolad: St. ClickOnTheBanner.
Silent Bob: Did you not hear me say shutup? So I am totally wierded out by this, right? And I just go off on him. I mean totally. I called him a Romulan and an Uruk Hai, I'm really out for blood right? And he is all like I don't need to apologize because of all the code writing skills I learned, and it was the right thing at that time for me, and he's moved on now, so why apologize? He acts like he did nothing wrong. So then I lose it, and I tell him it's over. I walked out. Just like that.

mojolad: Damn right! Booyeah!!!!!!!
Silent Bob: No, you moron. It was a mistake. I felt small at that moment because I never worked for a big famous company and felt inadequate or lacked experience. A moment of insecurity because I never sucked at the teat of some big corporation. But what I did not get at the time is that he was not looking for me to be that company, Microsoft, he had moved on and wanted to be partners - business partners - with Bob. But by the time I realized it, he had moved on again. All I had to show for it was some foolish pride which later gave way to regret. I know now that he and I would have been terrific business partners. But I pushed him away. So since then, {drinks a shot}, I've been chasing GD. So to speak.
{long pause}

Arfy: So - can you explain what that story has to do with GD 3.0?
Silent Bob: {shakes head}

Arfy: Does it have anything to do with GD 3.0?

Silent Bob: {shrugs}
mojolad: Can you believe this junk? He sits there doing and saying nothing all day, tells some bullcrap story, and now he's like some big freakin' guru or something?

Arfy: {shaking head, leans back in booth and looks at Silent Bob for a long moment. Then points at mojolad} Is he always this annoying?
Silent Bob: {nods}
Arfy: At least you don't have to hang around with 2chair all day.

Silent Bob: {laughs and nods}

Arfy: {stands to leave}
caesari: Hey, where are you going? citizenkane is going to play "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues", and I'm going to dance!
Arfy, mojolad and Silent Bob: {exit hurriedly}
12/4/2013 11:20 AM
Kinda eerie when you just happen to click on a link and see your name multiple times!  ha ha! 
12/4/2013 11:44 AM
 Funny as hell 2Chair !!!  I was actually laughing out lowd  .

12/4/2013 5:20 PM
You guys are hilarious!
12/4/2013 6:16 PM
This truly is the greatest GD thread.
12/5/2013 11:19 AM

Oriole: [Oriole is the poet, but Caesari thinks he is there to sodomize him] Look, it's either 2.0 or 3.0. You're gettin' screwed one way or the other.

[Caesari tries to get up]

Oriole: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.

Caesari: Gee thanks.

Oriole: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Caesari: You think I should be grateful?

Oriole: Yeah, it's your game, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your freakin' knees.

Caesari: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Oriole: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little coach!

Caesari: That's one hell of an ego you got.

Oriole: What the heck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Caesari: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Oriole: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Hazelwood.

[Wakes up Bob Hazelwood]

Bob Hazelwood: Oriole. Oriole bag o' donuts!

12/5/2013 8:30 PM

Oriole: How could it take you five minutes to set up your formations when it takes the entire formation creating world 20,000 minutes?

Jfootball88: Um... I'm a fast coach, I guess.

Oriole: [across beside the jury] What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast coach? Are we to believe that electrons move faster in your computer than any place on the face of the earth?

Jfootball88: I don't know.

Oriole: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist in your computer. Were these magic electrons? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

12/5/2013 8:39 PM
TwoChair Productions
A TwoChair Ramble
written by
directed by
Unless you don't like it, then it was


who did everything
Lt. General George Patton addressing the GD coaches - part 2
Now we have the finest computers, the finest servers, the finest programmers, the coolest screensavers and the best coaches. You know, I pity you poor bastards because with all of those things going for you, it is truly amazing to me that none of you can set up your defense to key on the guy who touches the ball 50 times and gains 400 yards. Those opposing running backs are cutting your guts out and using your reward points to keep playing while you are spending your hard earned dollars. You hopeless bastards are getting slaughtered by the bushel!
Now I know that some of you coaches are hoping that you might have success in GD. Don't worry about it. When you read the play by play to one of your games, and see that a deep pass, thrown from your 30 yard line, was intercepted at your 15 yard line, after being knocked down for an incompletion, you will know that there is no hope.
SimAI is the enemy. He will wade into you  like Schwarzenegger in The Terminator. He will kill you like he killed all those cops in the police station. When you see Der Arnold crashing through your defense like he crashed his car through the door of the police station, you will know what happens next.
And another thing. I do not want to get any messages saying that you are holding your ground. We're not holding anything. Let the SimAI have a good defense. We are giving up yardage - on every play! We are not interested in playing good defense, and the SimAI is going to grab us by the nose, kick us in the butts, and may God have mercy on our souls. SimAI won't!!!!!!
Now there is one thing you men will be able to say on those rare occasions when you have face to face social interactions. If some distant relative asks you "What did you do during the great GD 3.0 rollout," you won't have to say "Well, I designed a playbook - that actually worked!!!!!"
Alright, you simulation bastards, you know how I feel. Oh, and one other thing - SimAI is laughing at you - all the time, and everywhere. That's all.

12/5/2013 9:00 PM
My next project will be an adaptation of Shakespeare's legendary play - Julius caesari.

This magnum opus (some might say "magnum heinous") will actually require some work, and I'm hoping the Kane Khronicles will keep us amused in the meantime.

12/5/2013 9:04 PM

{Scene opens – darkening skies, clouds gray and heavy with impending rain. Soldiers huddle in a muddy trench somewhere in WWI Belgium. Some smoke and others whisper in small groups. The periodic sound of distant shelling and random rifle fire rattle the background}

Arfy: pola – psst hey pola- man I just can’t stand the waitin’! When do ya think it’s gonna happen?

Pola: Don’t know. Just don’t worry ‘bout it kid. It’ll happen when it happens.

Harris: He just sits over there, writin’, scibblin’ on those papers. Never hardly says nothin’. Just keeps sayin’ he’s workin’ on it.

{All turn to look at a silent figure hunched in a far corner of the trench, intently writing on small strips of mismatched paper.}

{Pola takes a small clump of earth and flings it at the figure. It hits him in the thigh and he just turns and hunches more over the scraps of paper}

Pola: Sure not able to distract him, that’s for sure.

Arfy: But I don’t get it. We go up and put our butts on the line every day and can’t figure out what we’re doin’ and he just sits down here scatchin’ on those papers. Don’t he know what we’re going’ through out there?

{Sgt. Caesari comes over}

Caesari: You boys got your gameplans set? Morning comes pretty early and you have to be ready.

Harris: But Sarge – what’s the use? – we keep tryin’ but we don’t know if we got it right.

Caesari: Look boys, them SIMs are just across that field. They aren’t better than us, but they are more numerous. They can afford to sit back and pick us off one at a time. We can’t let ‘em. Until he {tosses his thumb over his shoulder at the figure in the corner} can give us the right codes, we just gotta keep our heads on straight and go out everyday and try to win. Them boys down at WIS headquarter have faith in that guy. Right now he just may be our only hope.

Pola: I don’t know Sarge – look what they did to that other guy – Norbert – one day he’s here and then he’s gone.

Arfy: And we still don’t know what’s going on! Sarge – I’m scared!

{Sgt. Caesari reaches out and grabs him by his collar}

Caesari: Look kid! Ya gotta stay calm! Ya can’t start going all blitz on me now!

{A squadron of bi-planes clatter overhead in the direction of the SIM lines}

Pola: Flyin’ a 4-3 formation Sarge, at least those recruits can keep the SIM’s honest!

{Lt. bhazelwood moves into the trench and towards the small group. They look up and come to slightly more of an attention posture, hand to their foreheads}

Bhaz: At ease men, you boys doing alright tonight?

{all answer to the affirmative}

Bhaz: Have you seen Pvt Oriole recently?

{all point to the hunched figure in the corner}

Pola: You gonna talk to him, sir?

Bhaz: I have to. He has the key to the ratings. Without that key the GUESS ratings are just a – well – guess.

{bhazelwood walks over to pvt oriole in the corner. The men see him speak to him and then pvt oriole begins to gesture rapidly and points to lines on multiple pieces of paper, becoming more animated as he speaks. Bhazelwood listens intensly and then pats him on the shoulder. He pulls some extra paper out and leaves it at oriole’s feet. Oriole grabs them and stuffs them into his stack. Lt bhazelwood move back to the group}

Bhaz: I’m sure he thinks he knows what he is doing, but I just can’t figure out what he is saying. Babbles about buckets and randomness and needing to throttle things. I must say, I much as I need him to make it through this, I just don’t know how long it will take.

{bhazelwood stands up and moves off}

Caesari: Buckle up your chinstraps boys, this could get bloody before it’s over!

12/5/2013 10:35 PM
Setting: Oriole, Programmer of the Engine, sets out to find the best interns to help him on his quest for the Holy PBP.

[SCENE: Oriole, followed closely by Katzphang clopping two coconut shells together, gallops up to a castle. before it are two workers, Harriswb30 and 2Chair. Oriole calls to the one nearest]

ORIOLE: Old woman!

2CHAIR: Man!

ORIOLE: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?

2CHAIR: I'm 45-54.


2CHAIR: I'm 45-54 -- I'm not old!

ORIOLE: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.

2CHAIR: Well, you could say `2CHAIR'.

ORIOLE: Well, I didn't know you were called `2CHAIR.'

2CHAIR: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ORIOLE: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--

2CHAIR: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ORIOLE: Well, I AM programmer...

2CHAIR: Oh programmer, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the customers -- by 'angin' on to outdated computerist dogma which perpetuates the coding an' social differences in our community! If there's ever going to be any progress--

HARRISWB30: 2Chair, there's some lovely outcomes over here. Oh -- how d'you do?

ORIOLE: How do you do, good lady. I am Oriole, Programmer of the Engine. Who's castle is that?

HARRISWB30: Programmer of the what?

ORIOLE: The Engine.

HARRIS: What are the Engines?

ORIOLE: Well, the whole game is. We're all playing the Engine and I am your programmer.

HARRIS: I didn't know we had a programmer. I thought we were an anonymous community.

2CHAIR: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the paying classes--

HARRIS: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

2CHAIR: That's what it's all about if only people would--

ORIOLE: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

HARRIS: No one live there.

ORIOLE: Then who is your intern?

HARRIS: We don't have a intern.


2CHAIR: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.


2CHAIR: But all the suggestions of that officer have to be ratified in a special biweekly forums.

ORIOLE: Yes, I see.

2CHAIR: By a simple majority in the case of purely cosmetic affairs,--

ORIOLE: Be quiet!

2CHAIR: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--

ORIOLE: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

HARRIS: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

ORIOLE: I am your Programmer!

HARRIS: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ORIOLE: You don't vote for programmers.

HARRIS: Well, 'ow did you become programmer then?

ORIOLE: The Guardian of the Irishmen,
[angels sing] his arm clad in the purest shimmering plaid button down, held aloft Excel-ibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Oriole, was to wield Excel-ibur's . [singing stops]
That is why I am your programmer!

2CHAIR: Listen -- strange Irishmen lying in ponds distributing Microsoft programs is no basis for a system of business. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses of paying customers, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ORIOLE: Be quiet!

2CHAIR: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a spreadsheet at you!

ORIOLE: Shut up!

2CHAIR: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was a coder just because some moistened bint had lobbed Microsoft Paint at me they'd put me away!

ORIOLE: Shut up! Will you shut up!

2CHAIR: Ah, now we see the incompetence inherent in the system.

ORIOLE: Shut up!

2CHAIR: Oh! Come and see the incompetence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!

ORIOLE: Bloody paying customer!

2CHAIR: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
12/6/2013 12:30 AM
12/6/2013 1:50 AM
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