I opened my email this morning found another message from WIS.COM, only this time, there was an attachment called "Meeting Transcript.txt" purporting to be the transcript of their latest staff meeting. I pass it along here without comment.
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Manager: Thank you everyone for attending this regularly scheduled staff meeting.
Employee A: What do you mean "regularly scheduled" ? This is the first meeting we've had in two years.
Manager: Well, once every two years IS a "regular schedule". And besides that, having staff meetings was on my yearly goals, and my annual review is coming up so I thought I'd better check this one off. Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who's here in attendance. Is there anyone on the conference call bridge?
Employee B: There's only three of us left, not counting Ed the Janitor, and we're all in the room. Who would be on the bridge line?
Manager: Well you make a good- <A beep comes from the phone> - who just joined?
Phone Voice : This is Ed, the Janitor.
Manager: Hey Ed. We're in conference room 17 if you want to join us.
Phone Voice: Well, I'm multitasking at the moment. And there's only one conference room in the building.
Manager: Right, but we named it "Conference Room 17". Every conference room needs a name.
Employee B: We used to call it "Big 12" but then it was always on the verge of collapsing.
Manager: Alright, let's get started. First on the Agenda, ticket backlog. Our Customer Service Ticket queue is now up to 18,392,411 tickets. We need to get that down to to a reasonable number, so I need ideas from everyone. Let's start with you, Ed.
Phone Voice: But I'm just the janitor! I don't know anything about your games. What could I do about tickets?
Manager: With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder you're stuck at being the janitor. And knowing something about the product has never been a criteria for answering questions about it.
Employee A: Or managing the products.
Manager: Exactly! Now, on to the next item. Product Improvements. Where do we stand on creating an app that lets you log on and check the forums - oriole_fan?
<uncomfortable silence drags on for several minutes>
Employee A: Boss - oriole_fan is just handle on the forums. There's nobody here actually NAMED oriole_fan, and the guy that used that handle went back to delivering pizzas.
Manager: LOOK, I AM TIRED OF ALL THE EXCUSES! SOMEONE has to be oriole_fan. So... ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!
<both employees do ROCK, while the manager does SCISSORS>
Manager, glancing at the phone: What about you Ed... Rock Paper or Scissors?
Phone Voice : I'm sorry, can you repeat the question, I was multi-tasking.
Manager: ROCK, PAPER, OR SCISSORS?
Phone Voice: Uh, Rock, I guess.
Manager: Ah-HA! Paper beats rock. Ed, you have to be oriole_fan.
<Employee A starts to interrupt but the manager silences him with a glare.>
Phone Voice: OK, I can be oriole_fan. Go Orioles! Yay Orioles. Orioles #1. How's that?
Manager: Pefect. That brings us to our next subject. Product Improvements.
Employee B: We just covered that.
Manager: Oh, right. Excellent progress. That about wraps it up. Questions, anyone?
Employee A: Are we ever going to actually DO any updates to the game?
Manager: Ed, I mean oriole_fan, take that as an action item for an offline meeting.
<flushing sound>
Phone Voice: Sorry, I was multi-tasking. Can you repeat the question?
Manager: I don't think there was a question.
Employee A: I asked about actual game improvements...
Manager: And we assigned an action item. Give them time to do something! Do we have an update on the action item, Oriole_fan?
Phone Voice: Uh, go orioles?
Manager: Fabulous. Now, if there's nothing else, I need to go work on my Powerpoint Deck for my executve presentation "Why Reward Points Should be Cut". Meeting adjourned.