The Evals of Sorrow
Like my two favorite NBA players ever...I'm going for the throat. Absolutely no mercy. I've reached my ODL peak, and before the inevitable fall, I'm going to rain insults down on you peasants from my 67 win high Wiltzilla throne. There will be no praise given...only reasons for your impending doom.
Enjoy! : )
mikee1
1.
LeBron - Terrible. Wilt>LeBron. You of all people should know mike. Don't you have like 7 chips with Wilt in the 52? "oooh he's too expensive" That's a losers mentality. I won with 19200 minutes last season! Wilt played all 48 every playoff game and never dipped below 100% He's a monster. Grab some low usg bombers or boarders and sac up. You missed a chance for a guaranteed playoff spot and nightly 34/25/12's.
2.
Zo - Uhhhh..ummm...oh hey did Devin Booker(relax..no one is drafting him) really drop 70 tonight? Wow!
3.
Camby - So much time wasted thinking about which Camby season to use. This wouldn't be a problem if you just drafted Wilt.
4.
Buck -
My names Buck, and I'm here to f*ck things up salary wise for you. Too expensive for a backup PF/C or a low usg SF.
5.
J.R. Smith - Same exact spot he went last season. Expect this time he's not teaming up with Klay for 48 mins of awesome bombing. I'm not sure what he's doing now. Not sure if mike knows either.
rjk2781
1.
Wilt - I'm curious to see how you're gonna screw this one up. You literally can't fail in the 2nd and 3rd round. The 4th/5th is where most Wilt teams screw it up. I like your chances there.
2.
Dirk - While I fully support the Wilt/Dirk pairing, I'm disappointed you lacked the
marbles to try to get him in the 4th. That's how championships are won. Weak move.
3.
Melo? - I think I even heard banditone laughing at this one. Sheeeiiiit I bet David Kahn was laughing at this. Don't drink and draft. Unless you're good at it of course. You are not.
4.
Charlie Ward - I guess you've sobered up since the last pick. This is a good start after that Melo-bomb, but the damage has been done.
5.
Calderon - Seriously underrated. You know what's not underrated. Rebounds. Good luck with that.
banditone
1.
Traded to benhoidal - *slow drawn out clap* ... well bandit I gotta hand it to ya. I didn't understand the angle at first. What's he doing picking closer to 1?. I knew bandit was up to something. I thought maybe he was gonna shock us with a crazy pick like Mutombo(this actually happened) or something. Or maybe just go for the ol' fashioned 3/4 blowup(2/3 in this case) after picking Curry or KAJ. Nope...even better...
Trade Curry to the best odl owner and don't get back a 1st or 3rd?
Actually....
2.
McAdoo - Good start. So you know what that means...start the timer. Tic toc tic toc bandit. When will that bomb go off?
2.
Kemp - Pretty expensive for someone doing most of what McAdoo already gave you. But no bomb yet. Tic Toc....
3.
Vinsanity - BOOM! There it is. You never disappoint.
4.
Mo Cheeks - Thanks to bandit, I think poor Mo might have the lowest winning % out of any player that gets drafted.
4.
Doug Collins - bandit got so tired of picking sh!tty players, so he's moved on to picking sh!tty coaches.
5.
Tyrus Thomas - I'd pay good money to learn how bandit comes up with some of these picks.
Maybe something like this....
666ace
1.
GOAT - Poor MJ is still looking for his first title in the ODL. Looks like that streak will continue.
2.
Elton Brand - The most underwhelming of 2nd round picks. The advanced stats, D rating, and SF eligibility says he should be a stud. He's not. Just like in rl, he's good at making you regret that big pay day you gave him.
3.
KJ - I might have been forced to say something nice if you had picked Mookie. He would have set the tone for a dominant defensive squad and gave you much needed 3s at PG. KJ isn't as good and I bet you probably even use the wrong season.
4.
Worthy -
Jaaaammes...what the f*ck are you doing here?
5.
Bill Bridges - An ODL blast from the past! Actually pretty valuable if he's used right. Sadly, there's no chance of that happening here. But thanks for reminding me of him for future ODLs.
jhsukow
1.
Dwight - Over KAJ and Shaq? Awful. Another scared owner who hates 46/17/8s. You might as well completely b!tch out and not use his 10-11 while you're at it.
2.
Walton - Anyone ever suffer through a Pac-12 college game that Walton is calling? I always feel so bad for his play-by-play partner. What a sh!t show.
3.
Harden - Yea sure it looks good on paper. But that's what Daryl Morey thought last season too. Buncha losers leading this squad.
4.
Sabonis - Oh wow, look at that. Sabonis and Walton form 48 mins of great center play. Next to Dwight too? Impressive. (shhh no one tell jh that the cap is 47m)
5.
Iguodala - Dammit I was hoping to use him. You suck.
uptowngbv
1.
Shaq - Can't argue with the pick but I bet you're already thinking about which season of his to use. Which means you've probably already lost. There is only one.
2.
Drummond - Here's a conversation you'll be having with yourself throughout the season: "I won the shooting and rebounding battle...fouls/turnovers didn't kill me...why did I lose?" "Oooohh I missed 20 free throws again."
3.
Donyell - You fool...could have had Shaq and McHale dominating everyone. Instead you let ben have him. I guess the trade ended up working since Donyell fell, but you still have no guards.
4.
Jerry West -
West is old! He should of been out of the game years ago but owners can't stay away because they think he'll get all his FTAs.
5.
Paul Pierce - You should have picked Calderon when you had the chance. Instead you got scared of lacking usg and ended up with this expensive mess.
ysw128
1.
Rodman - See the problem with taking Rodman over KAJ or Mailman is that you MUST nail that 2nd round pick or you're finished. Do
you trust you to make that correct pick? I don't.
2.
Whiteside - Yup. You blew it. McHale is a perfect match with Rodman. They don't hand out rings for rebounding titles.
3.
Mookie - He'll put Rodman and Whiteside to work. Really going hard for that rebound title huh? You should have it wrapped it up in the 4th when you pick Kobe.
4.
Patty-cakes - Uhhhhhh. Damn, I forgot he was still around. Hmmm I'm stumped. How bout we just watch
this.
5.
McMillan -
You chose.....poorly.
milest
1.
Karl Malone - Oh I get it. He's the upgraded version of McAdoo from your championship team.
Oh gooood for you! These splashy, expensive trades always backfire.
1.
CP3 - Again? Booorrrriiiiing. Enjoy the wait.
4.
larry sanders? - It's been years since he was worthy of having his names in all caps with an exclamation point. And it's not like you were excited to make the pick right? Certainly not after having your soul crushed by just missing out on Ho Grant.
bkbillups
1.
Kareem - Hmmmmm...how can you mess up a gift like Kareem at #9 I wonder....
1.
Wade - Oh I know! Take a 9.5 mil player who has 7% higher usg and 7% lower efg. Brilliant!
4.
Ho Grant - Obviously the steal of the draft. He will never, ever receive a bad word from me. Only pity. Pity that he'll be stuck in the middle of a shot battle between his two high usg alpha dog teammates.
cjok1051
1.
traded to milest - You really think it's gonna happen again? Trading out of the 1st is always stupid. Especially with Moses/Drob/CP3 on the board. You got lucky the first time it happened. You're not getting Big Ben and Marion in the 2nd this time and you sure as hell aint getting Amare in the 4th. Let's see who leads the B team this time around.
2.
Hakeem - Do I see a dream in the matrix? What like the dream Neo was having when Agent Smith filled him full of bullets in the 1st one? Cause that kinda applies here I guess.
2.
Marion - You got him after all. I wouldn't get excited though. He's no longer a late 1st/ early 2nd type talent anyway.
1.
Dr. J(via 3rd round trade with vancem) - So looks like you traded out of the 1st so you could load up on 2nd round talent with 1st round salaries. Makes sense....said absolutely no one.
3.
Derek Harper - This ODL hero will unfortunately be the teams top 3pt threat. Good luck getting to 400 3s(the benhoidal rule - ask him about it if you don't know).
4.
Brent Barry - Who else thought Canyon Barry was Brent's or Jon's son when you first saw or heard about him? Rick Barry - still puttin in work. Good for him. As for this team, playing small is a bad idea...yadda yadda yadda...too expensive.
coachcroft
1.
Magic Johnson - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....whew...thanks...I needed a good laugh like that. Lakers fan right? I wonder what will hurt more - This 30 win season you're about to have, or watching the Sixers get the #4 overall pick from the Lakers in the lottery.
2.
Amare - I knew he'd go waaay earlier this time. He even went before Zo. Don't worry guys. After coach wastes him on this cellar dweller he should fall back into the 3rd or even 4th round steal he usually is.
3.
Gobert - The NBA's best defensive center until Embiid gets back on the floor. I guess he'll help dig you out of that giant Magic-sized hole you started in.
4.
G. Wallace - 05-06 is such an amazing season of his. Probably the best defensive SG/SF season in the sim. It's a shame you probably won't use it here. Or maybe you do and just ignore the 3s or rebounding problem it will cause.
benhoidal
1.
Curry - Well since I can't talk bad about the this team yet(bandit!!!!) let's talk about last seasons team ben. Remember when Wilt was playing against you in the playoffs and put up a 35/20/14 then a 28/21/10 followed by a 30/23/14 and finally wrapping up the series with a 32/21/12? Good times.
2.
DeAndre - Jordan should be a 1st rounder. I'm pretty sure ben made a deal with the devil(seble?). 666ace might be involved as well. I dunno. But I don't like it.
3.
McHale - Yup. This is pure evil. "The power of Christ compels you!" *throws holy water at ben* " The power of Christ compels you!"
3.
Noah - Ok...now we got something to work with. 97%!!!! Either McHale will lose some value playing SF, or Noah will lose value by not having his 13-14 used. Small victory but I'll take it.
jkaye24
1.
DRob - Third times the charm eh jkaye? Wrong! Not with that boring repeat Drob pick. No way you top last seasons effort with him. Nowhere to go but down.
2.
Deron Williams - Always the bridesmaid huh? No Nash for you!
3.
Drexler - It must suck knowing that no matter how well your draft is going, you will end up disappointed in the end.
4.
Bogut - I'm disappointed in you jkaye. There was a player available who fits perfectly and could have finally gotten you over the hump with his incredible sim intangibles. You know damn well who it is.
dh555
1.
Larry Legend - I was surprised to learn I never drafted him before in the ODL. I already got a 52 ring with him, so I might as well get him one in the ODL too. I'm not a pu$$y so I'll be using 87-88 and giving you all 30ppg on 50/40/90 shooting.
2.
Nashty - Too easy.
3.
Mt. Mutombo - Awwww you guys are too kind. Letting me get the last of the low usg, defensive boardlords with 3rd round value.
4.
Pau - Not the sexiest pick, but he's always been good to me. If you're any kind of sim owner, you already know which season I'll be using.
pointfwd
1.
Durant - Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Don't worry. It'll get easier next season when you have Wilt, LeBron, or Curry.
2.
Terry Porter - Over Nash? That's ok...rookie mistake. One I'm thrilled to take advantage of. Thanks buddy.
2.
Tyson Chandler - This is who you traded back into the 2nd for? Pathetic. Players like him would have been available in the 3rd.
ImPagliacci
1.
Barkley - Woah! The freshest of fishes. Virgin Sacrifices all season long fellas! They say you always remember your first time...well that sucks for you. Bird won't be gentle.
2.
Klay - Ok..ok...coming in strong with your big capital letter username(wtf?) and dangerous inside-out combo. Don't get too cocky kid. Long way to go.
3.
Frazier - Now this is what I was expecting from a rookie. Frazier was a
bad choice.
4.
Jerry Lucas - Who tipped the rookie off? Huh? Vance..was that you? Anyway, doesn't matter. I'm glad you did because if I picked Lucas I might have run into a usg problem that led to the terrible pick like Kobe on my last Nash team.
mcdarsh
1.
traded to bkbillups - Wade is a monster to build around if you know how to use him. And you probably don't, so maybe it's best you passed on him. Probably better just to play it safe with a bunch of 2nd tier stars and cruise to 40 wins.
2.
Anthony Davis - Wade and Davis could have been a nice foundation for contender. Oh well. You have your 3rd round picks.
3.
Oscar - Wait a sec...how did you trade out of the 1st and only have one 2nd rounder? Yikes. Well at least you get to build around a guard who is average at everything except being overpaid. 44 mins of pure disappointment.
3.
Payton - Payton fell and I bet you're pretty excited the trade worked out. Long way to go
soooo.....
3.
Boerwinkle - 62 isn't terrible but he'll still be one of the worst defensive centers to take on the Shaq's and Kareem's of the league. Put Davis on the centers and Tommy B goes from a 62 to 48-52(?) against PFs. So uh yea...take that.
4.
Cliff Ray - And now Davis can only guard SFs, wasting his defensive versatility. But at least don't get any good paint scoring either....
wait...what?
4.
Sam Lacey - Going for the ol' assist bump eh? Won't work. This is the ODL - the big boy league, not a weak-a$s OL where that nonsense reigns.
vancem
1.
Moses - There goes vance making a big splash in his ODL debut(return?). Moses was a great pick up and vance is very good in the 52. I could be worried here...
1.
Dr. J *TRADED*- Whew! Ok...he's like me and is stuck in a 52 mindset that will lead to him being short on mins. He blew the big bucks on a SG that doesn't shoot 3s...after he already had the oreb% god Moses. Thanks vance...I was worried there for a sec. *Update* - I'm in your head! Dr. J wasn't
that bad.
3.
Manu - You got lucky so many fools passed on Manu. But with your terrible trading it might already be too late to salvage the Moses/Manu pairing.
4.
Dragic - Not too bad. But I need to slam someone for passing up my man Jerry Lucas, and as a vet, you know just how good he can be. I would've really liked the Moses/Lucas pairing.
eleibowitz
1.
Timmmmaaayy - Since leibo can't do it anymore, I guess I'll have to carry on his old tradition of winning the ODL every 5 years. ODL 68 is mine.
2.
Billups - Hah! Enjoy all those....all those..mis..*chokes up*...sorry I can't do it to him....*runs out*
3.
AK47 - With Timmy and Big Shot already on board, you could have picked Ho Grant and
done this to me. Instead you pick this russian bricklayer, further blackening my heart.
4.
Webber - Who told CBS/Turner that Webber was a good analyst? Cause I'd really like to smack that person. He sucks.
jcred5
1.
Draymond - Yuck. Too early for a role playing SF. You can find those throughout the draft. You passed up some elite role playing PGs and PF/Cs to take that nut-hugging turnover machine.
2.
Big Ben - You and copernicus battling over the high usg scraps in the 3rd and 4th should be entertaining.
3.
Kobe - You make us wait 7 hours for this? Anyway, McGrady is better.
4.
Bobby Jones - Oh nice. I was worried you were gonna pick someone like ****** and give Kobe a scoring partner in the paint. Doubling up on SFs makes it much easier for the rest of us.
scudmissle
1.
Stockton - Yea that's the right pick, but I bet old man scud spent too many nights in the opium den to remember which season to use.
2.
KG - That's a lot of cash for someone who better not end up as your highest usg player. But he could be worth it if the right season is used. Don't screw it up.
3.
Parish - You bastard! The one time I actually want to take advantage of Chief's 4th round value.
4.
Jesus - You bastard! The one time I actually want to take advantage of Allen's 4th round value.
midzim
1.
Artis Gilmore - Who here is glad midzim wasted his 1st on Gilmore? Come on...dont lie. Even if you kinda liked him, I bet you're relieved he took him so you wouldn't have the temptation of taking him. He's like the ugly girl at the bar that everyone swears they won't take home. Then it starts to get late, and you're drunk, and you start to consider it. But your buddy beats you to it and you wake up the next morning thrilled he took that bullet for you.
2.
Scottie Pippen - Poor Scottie. Probably sitting next to Artis at the press conference table with a horrified look on his face thinking, "I go from MJ to this?" And I bet Artis just farted too.
3.
Marques Johnson - Don't get me wrong, I love the 82-83 ZPL finals MVP, but wow is this squad uninspiring. The Charlotte Hornets of this league.
4.
Mark Price - Well, you've done pretty good with every pick since the fir...hold on...gotta leave the room. Gilmore just farted again.
copernicus
1.
Jason Kidd - Well at least you won't have to worry about seble manipulating your FTAs this time around.
2.
Old a$s Bill Russell - Are you a masochist? Big Ben and DeAndre just sittin there...
3.
Larry Nance - Don't put "Sr" next to his name like his son is relevant. Damn Lakers fans. Win a game!
4.
T-Mac -
I seeee...then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package!?
bds9992
1.
Penny - Sorry I didn't get your Big Bang joke. I try not to watch sh!tty TV shows.
2.
Kawhi - Good job passing up great available big men for a 29 min SG. It's super tough to find SGs later. Especially ones that can play with Penny. He's so one-dimensional. You should appreciate that sarcasm. I'm sure they use it a lot on that sh!tty TV show of yours.
3.
Kevin Love - You think you're gonna find a PF/C with enough D to cover up Love and enough boards to let Kawhi play SF? **** is gonna be gone along with most of the other good defensive options. Paint buckets all game long against this team.
4.
Rondo -
I like simple pleasures, like a SF that rebounds and a PG that shoots 3s. That's just me. That's something that I enjoy. Call me crazy, call me a traditionalist.