WhatIF I told you... Documentary - Page 18 - Theme Leagues

pexetera

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that TNT studio show with Shaq, Ernie, Kenny and Barkley reads like an actual show.

7/22/2020 11:02 PM

ashamael

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Posted by pexetera on 7/22/2020 11:02:00 PM (view original):
that TNT studio show with Shaq, Ernie, Kenny and Barkley reads like an actual show.

It really does.

7/22/2020 11:08 PM

robusk

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This line: bds9992: “I didn’t think it was so tough. All the guys I wanted kept falling to me.”

- abso-*******-lutely slayed me.

7/23/2020 12:29 AM

robusk

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Really cannot express how awesome all the work you pumped into this was ben. Really such an unexpected treat for the community. I have inhaled all of it. Thanks.

7/23/2020 12:34 AM

pexetera

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and dBKC too for the funny stuff

7/23/2020 12:36 AM

bds9992

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Posted by robusk on 7/23/2020 12:29:00 AM (view original):
This line: bds9992: “I didn’t think it was so tough. All the guys I wanted kept falling to me.”

- abso-*******-lutely slayed me.

I never said that, but I do deserve it. *shrugs*

7/23/2020 12:41 AM

benhoidal

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[19:30-19:50]
Narrator: “With the All-Star festivities over, it was time to get back to work. With the standings so tight at the top, every game mattered. Six owners had quickly established themselves as the favorites. As the season wound down, each would fight for the SAVAGE crown, and the glory that would come with it.”

The screen becomes a grid with a horizontal line running through the middle of it, and two vertical lines parting into thirds. Six squares now take up the screen and in each one there is video footage of a different coach along the sidelines: dh555, dBKC, mptrey, benhoidal, kinoa1, and pexetera. The footage in each square stops on a close-up of the coaches face and each image turns black and white.

7/23/2020 8:21 AM

benhoidal

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[19:50-22:20]
The square in the upper left regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “555” by Jimmy Eat World starts playing faintly in the background. A stoic figure, clad in a blue suit with white pinstripes, and a red tie is roaming the sidelines, hands on his hips, a cigar in his mouth. His players are all dressed in red, white and blue uniforms with a big 555 label in the front. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Kareem swishes his legendary skyhook. Chauncey Billups drains a three in the defenders face. A pair of REC-SPECS basketball goggles is focused in the middle of the screen as Kareem, Amare, and Horace Grant's faces flash in and out of them. Fat Kevin Love throws a full court outlet pass that goes straight in the hoop. Skinny Kevin Loves watches from the crowd in awe. John Henson is running back to play on defense while the rest of the team is still on offense. Doug Christie and Eddie Jones are seen double teaming a ball handler and getting a steal. Tim Hardaway threads a pass through the defense to Dan Majerle who catches it and shoots in one smooth motion over the defender. Clarence Weatherspoon and Bobby Phills are seen cracking jokes together on the bench. Next to them, still pacing the sidelines, is dh555. We zoom back in on him as he starts to berate Amare Stoudemire.

Narrator: “This is dh555. You might know him as Captain Savage. As the commissioner of all five leagues, dh had generated more interest in this league than any theme league before. The cash prize was the cherry on top, but he knew the real prize was the Savage Crown.”

Cut to a talking head of dh555.
dh555: “We started a little slow, but we trusted the process. Kareem was awesome from the get go, but the rest of the team really took a little bit before we started to gel. Amare really struggled after the fire extinguisher incident. I had no idea it was possible to break five hands from one punch. It took us maybe twenty games before we really turned it around. At that point, we were in the top six or so teams and we have kinda stayed right around there the whole season. Had some dips, usually when Amare and Chauncey decided they couldn’t shoot anymore, but we’ve always had our captain to steer us through.”

Narrator: “What has to happen in the rest of the regular season and the playoffs for you to win and become the SAVAGE King?”

dh555: “Well, Kareem has to be the best player from here on out. No more excuses. I probably need to hold on to my division lead in World 3 and probably my conference lead in World 1.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

dh555: “I need to avoid mptrey! I’m 4-18 against him overall!”

We pan back to the sideline and the camera zooms in on dh555. He’s still yelling at Amare, but now he throws his hands in the air, turns around disgustedly, and shouts, “Love, check in and show him how to play defense.” He turns back around and we just barely catch him mutter, “What?” The following link appears at the bottom of our screen: https://youtu.be/He-uWLXb_q8.

Narrator: “Can dh555 ride Kareem to the first SAVAGE crown? Can Amare ever win the love of his coach? Or will the pressure of the league prove too savage for the commissioner?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.

7/23/2020 8:23 AM

benhoidal

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[22:20-24:50]
The square in the upper right regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “Mambo #5” by Lou Bega plays. On the sideline sits a curly haired coach who is asking his players nicely to try really hard. Oh wait, he’s standing. He’s very short. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. James Harden makes 15 between the leg dribbles, before taking a 10 step step-back move into a three pointer. Afterwards he holds his hand out and begs the ref for a foul. The ref ignores him and we see Harden try to grab the ref’s whistle and blow into it himself. Rudy Gobert blocks a dunk attempt at the rim, and Alonzo Mourning is there to block the put-back attempt. Donyell Marshall receives a kick out pass from a Harden drive and sinks the shot. Kevin Harlan announces, “Donyell must be shocked that he made that one. His eyes are wide in surprise.” Donyell yells, “Hey man that’s just how I look.” Jerry West hits a jumper from the elbow and shouts “Gee golly!” Paul Pressey throws a bullet in the paint to Cedric Maxwell who jams it home. Dave Cowens is sitting on the bench looking sad and in street clothes, holding his MVP trophy. Jamario Moon and Kyle Anderson each swish their lone attempt for the game. Joel Przybilla and Oliver Miller are eating snacks on the bench. Next to them dBKC is furiously drawing up plays on scattered notecards. We zoom back in on him as he is getting yelled at by his wife.

Narrator: “This is dBKC…the GM who made the first truly surprising pick of the draft when he selected James Harden with the 12th overall selection, passing over legends like Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Tim Duncan. He seemed to question his own selection as the team got off to a rocky start. He publicly announced early on, while the team was in the bottom half of the rankings, that he was already thinking ahead to season 2. All 5 James Hardens publicly asked for trades to the 5 strip club sponsored teams. Things were looking bleak. Then something extraordinary happened…”

Cut to a talking head of dBKC.

dBKC: “I went 5-0 ‘cause it’s my motherf*cking birthday!”

Narrator: “...It was his motherf*cking birthday.”

dBKC: “I’m drunk!”

Narrator: it was the first sign of life for a troubled team.

dBKC: “See, I knew this whole time that James Harden wasn’t a stupid pick!...Never doubted it for a second. My notecards are always right.”

Narrator: “The winning ways continued for weeks and weeks, as the Mambo squad climbed from the bottom of the rankings to as high as #2”

dBKC: “It’s like every day is my motherf*cking birthday!”

Narrator: “Heading into the postseason as one of the top 5 teams, will the Mambo squad have what it takes to pull it off? Will the refs whistles continue to be kind to Harden in the playoffs? Or will Mambo go 0-27 from 3 in the most important game of the postseason?”

We pan back to the sidelines and the camera zooms in on dBKC at a team practice. “No, you need to really SELL the contact. Fall HARDER.”

Narrator: “We know they’ll get their free throws. Now let’s see if they can make them.”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.

7/23/2020 10:50 AM

benhoidal

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[24:50-27:20]
The square in the upper middle regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “DNA'' by Kendrick Lamar starts playing faintly in the background. We see a figure bouncing up and down on the sidelines with headphones on. The players next to him are wearing jerseys with a butterfly wearing chains as the main logo and all the players on the bench are wearing headphones too. The coach seems just as absorbed in his music as the game itself. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Magic Johnson is leading a fast break. He fakes a pass with one hand to Kevin McHale who is sprinting down the right side of the lane, then fakes another pass with the same hand to Manu Ginobili who is trailing from the left, before laying it in softly off the glass. In the corner of the court, Joakim Noah is doing a bong hit. Andrew Bogut gets subbed in and immediately breaks his leg. Bradley Beal is confronting a heckler while Derrick Favors is doing...whatever Derrick Favors does. Pascal Siakam throws down a nasty dunk on Draymond Green. Bismack Biyombo is blocking everything in sight, including a couple of his teammates’ shots. Tracy McGrady looks sleepy as he hits a step-back fadeaway over his defender. David Lee and Chris Bosh are sitting on the bench, sharing a pair of headphones. Next to them is mptrey who asks if he can listen too. We zoom back in on him as he changes the song on David Lee’s iPod. “Swimming Pools” by Kendrick Lamar starts playing faintly in the background.

Narrator: “This is mptrey. The first Canadian to coach in the Savage League. Known for being too polite, he will often apologize to rival coaches after winning.” The screen cuts to him in a heated argument with a ref “Travelling? Pardon my manners but with all due respect sir, I don’t know what you’re talking aboot.” “After a hot 5-0 start, mptrey fell back a bit, but never out of the top six.”

Cut to a talking head of mptrey.
mptrey: “That first night, we started off 5-0. Couldn’t believe it when I looked at the results. Didn’t think I’d be a real contender. But, gotta give my guys some credit. They’ve played well all season, kept me right in the thick of things. Hoping to stay competitive in the playoffs, maybe win a series or two.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

mptrey: “Well, as Magic said, we need to score more points than the other team and then we’ll probably win. I have a bunch of guys who can score, and Magic is going to give it to them when they’re open. I trust him to find the hot hand.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

mptrey: “Well, those byes are a big deal. Four free points and some much needed rest. If I don’t get any of them, the climb might be too steep.”

We pan back to the sidelines and the camera zooms in on mptrey who is talking to his team after the game. “Big win fellas! Now let’s get out of here before they turn off the lights.”

Narrator: “Can mptrey’s own version of Showtime lead him into the promised land? Or will he be sent savagely back home down Canada’s lone road?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.

7/23/2020 1:22 PM

benhoidal

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[27:20-29:50]
The square in the lower middle regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones starts playing faintly in the background. On the sidelines sits coach Ben Hoidal, who is furiously writing SIM fan fiction on a laptop while his team runs like a well oiled machine on it’s own. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Hakeem Olajuwon is switched onto a guard on the perimeter. He forces a tough pass inside, recovers to the rim, and blocks a dunk attempt. Julius Erving is seen swooping his arm under and around both a defender and the backboard as he makes a seemingly impossible reverse layup. Hassan Whiteside is giving post scoring lessons to Hakeem on the sideline while Hakeem studiously listens. We hear Hassan mention “Look ‘keem, let’s get that eFG% up. It’s all about the footwork.” Danny Green and Terry Porter are seen running the wings on a fastbreak. The ball gets thrown to Porter who fakes the help defender before throwing it to Green for the wide open triple. Charlie Ward leads a ball handler straight into the waiting arms of Tree Rollins, who blocks the ball over to Ward to start the fast break. Rodney Rogers and Chris Gatling nail a variety of corner threes in a quick montage. Michael Beasley is seen caressing Wesley Person’s knee on the bench as Tobias Harris looks on with a confused expression on his face. Next to them, pacing the sidelines anxiously is the coach. We zoom back in on him as he yells at Hakeem Olajuwon to “Stop shooting those damn mid-range jump shots! Take it to the hole or kick it out for three!”

Narrator: “This is benhoidal. You may know him as the Sim Devil, the all-time leader in simleague championships. He had the last pick in the draft, and sent shockwaves through the whole league with his controversial selections of Hakeem Olajuwon and Julius Erving. After taking over the points lead three times during the season including twice after the All-Star break, no one was laughing anymore. Not only did he put together the most dominating individual team in any of the leagues, he did it in World 3, the toughest of all the Worlds.”

Cut to talking head of benhoidal.
benhoidal: “I was feeling really good after the All-Star break. 1st place in the standings a couple of times and kept having 5-0 or 4-1 stretches. Then started a huge slump. Went a whole week without a 4-1 finish. Ended okay, but I will need to catch a couple of breaks in the playoffs if I want a chance at this thing.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

benhoidal: “Unfortunately, pex and I are in different conferences in all five worlds. Not only do I have to win a championship or two, I have to stop him from winning any. So, I’m going to have to rely on other owners to knock him out a few times. Not something I’m used to.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

benhoidal: “If I can’t sneak into the playoffs in World 5, I don’t have a shot. Luckily, it’s an incredibly easy division, and I have a similar chance of winning the bye as missing the playoffs entirely. Getting those free 4 points and some rest would really give me a chance.”

The camera zooms back in on benhoidal on the sidelines and we hear him mutter, “And they said I can’t win without trades.”

Narrator: “Can benhoidal add a crown to the trophy case, or will this league prove too savage even for him?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.

7/23/2020 2:30 PM

ashamael

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James Hardens publicly asked for trades to the 5 strip club sponsored teams. Things were looking bleak. Then something extraordinary happened…”

Cut to a talking head of dBKC.

dBKC: “I went 5-0 ‘cause it’s my motherf*cking birthday!”

Narrator: “...It was his motherf*cking birthday.”

I just snort-laughed.

The camera zooms back in on benhoidal on the sidelines and we hear him mutter, “And they said I can’t win without trades.”

HAHAHA

7/23/2020 4:41 PM

benhoidal

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[29:50-32:20]
The square in the lower left regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. The JAWS theme song starts playing faintly in the background. The camera cuts to footage of coach Kinoa3 from world 3. He is wearing a suit and tie and thick black Scorsese-style glasses. He has a commanding presence but he says very few words. He holds his hands up in front of his face, making a frame out of his fingers like a director would, watching the action through a framed perspective. In the background, we faintly see his point guard make a dribble move instead of passing to the open cutter. Kinoa yells, “CUT!” and the ref blows the whistle for a timeout. The team congregates around him on the sideline as he takes a pause and says, “That wasn’t good, fellas.” The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Shaquille O’Neal throws down a thunderous dunk and shoves Chris Dudley down onto the ground afterwards. We hear Chris, dressed in street clothes, yell out “Hey man, I’m just here to watch the game!” Walt Frazier and Bobby Jones are putting on a full court press. Frazier gets a steal and passes it to Jones for an overly fundamental lay-up. Kyrie Irving is seen doing a complex sequence of dribble moves and going nowhere while Samuel Dalembert watches solemnly from under the basket. Nicolas Batum lights a cigarette with a $100 bill while Kemba Walker looks at him in disgust. JaVale McGee is running back to play on defense while the rest of the team is still on offense. Marvin Williams and Bill Bridges are boxing out on a free throw attempt so Russell Westbrook can get an uncontested rebound. Amir Johnson checks in, blocks a shot, grabs the rebound, and dunks it home on the other end, only to be immediately benched afterward.

Narrator: “This is kinoa1. You might know him as the owner with the highest owner rating in simleague basketball history. After hovering near the top of the standings all season long, but never quite reaching the pinnacle, kinoa1 made a late season push to close the gap between himself and pexetera.”

Cut to talking head of kinoa1.
kinoa1: “I’m feeling pretty good about being in that second slot heading into the playoffs. Only one point behind and I have the best player in the whole league in Shaq. I think I can do some damage.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

kinoa1: “Well I’m going to have to win at least one league outright and probably two. I think pex will probably win one, so I’ll have to win one more than he does.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

kinoa1: “pexetera. If I can’t win more championships than him, he will stay in the lead. So, not only do I have to be well, I have to be better than him. There’s no crown for second place.”

A clip from a game against ashamael’s team plays, Walt Frazier and Bobby Jones are putting a savage off-ball double-team on Klay Thompson who can’t break free. The Big O takes advantage and drives straight to the basket for a dunk. Kinoa3 yells, “CUT!” The players walk up to him as we hear him say, “Don’t worry so much about Klay...we need to focus on the Oscar.” We zoom back in on him as he yells “ACTION!”

Narrator: “Can kinoa1, the owner with the highest all-time owner record, stay on top? Or will the savageness of this league give him his first taste of second place?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.

7/23/2020 6:53 PM

benhoidal

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[32:20-35:20]
The square in the lower right regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. The rousing solo bugle call, “To the Colors” starts to play faintly in the background. The camera focuses on the coach - a cocksure man wearing army fatigues and drill sergeant gear. His players are stepping in unison down the court. The coach yells “WHO’S NUMBER ONE?!” The players respond in unison: “YOU’RE NUMBER ONE!” The coach yells “WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE DRIVE TO THE BASKET?!” The players yell “DUNK!” The coach yells “WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE RUN THE BREAK?!” The players respond “DUNK!” The coach barks “WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE’RE OPEN AT THE THREE POINT LINE?!?” The players yell “DUNK!!!!” The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Charles Barkley is steamrolling ahead on the fast break. He goes right by a smaller player, before finishing with a power move over the opposing center. Shawn Kemp throws down a monster dunk, taunting his opponent afterwards. Andrei Kirilenko is seen walking around with an actual Hall Pass on a string around his neck. Clint Capela nails a one-handed bank shot from the restricted area. We then see him get chewed out by the coach for not dunking. Alvin Robertson and Jimmy Butler double team an opponent and get a steal. Enes Kanter, Brandan Wright, and Ed Davis all dunk in a quick montage. Darrell Armstrong blows a wide-open dunk. Mark Jackson tosses an oop to Nerlens Noel for a monster dunk. Next to him, pexetera looks at the scoreboard, pumps his fist, and sits down. We zoom back in on him and we hear him mutter, “Time to post those standings and let everyone know I’m still number one.”

Narrator: “This is pexetera. A semi-retired man turned drill sergeant. After an early season slump, enigmatic star Charles Barkley voiced his frustrations with the team and his coach.”

Cut to a Charles Barkley post game press conference.
Charles Barley: “Thank you for coming. I'm happy to answer any questions.”
Ernie Johnson: “So why do you think your teams lost today?”
Charles Barkley: “We had black guys who sucked. That’s hard to do. We were the only organization in WIS who could find black guys who couldn’t play.”
Ernie Johnson: “Well, the other team’s stars scored more points than you.”
Charles Barkley: “Maybe I’m old school, but I’m never going to like that little girly basketball where you have to outscore people. I’m biased against girl basketball.”
Ernie Johnson: “What do you say to your critics who say you're not working hard enough in practice?”
Charles Barkley: “If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she’s ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can’t play a lick. Same thing.”
Ernie Johnson: “What do you say about pexetera still being able to keep his job as GM and coach of the team?”
Charles Barkley: “pexeteretarata must have pictures of his boss’s wife having sex with a monkey.”
Ernie Johnson: “Rumor has it that pexetera has you guys running suicides into the night, even after games. Is that true?
Charles Barkley: “Coach said he wants us to condition and I thought he was making a bald joke at me. He said no, he wants us to run and jump better. Well I told him, a deer can do all that, but you wouldn’t put a deer in the game. What I look like? Air Bud?”
Ernie Johnson: “And did that work?”
Charles Barkley: “Well that night I went home to my daughter. Now everytime I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until she’s old enough to do that stuff herself. I started doing the exercises and I hate it but now we’re winning and I like that part.
Ernie Johnson: “Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort.”
Charles Barkley: “20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also. All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.”
Ernie Johnson: “Did you ever graduate from Auburn?”
Charles Barkley: “No, but I have a couple people working for me who did. When I was recruited at Auburn, they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.”
Ernie Johnson: “How do you feel about your upcoming game against the Raging Bulls?”
Charles Barkley: “I don’t know nothin’ about no Bulls, but the Bulls are in a lot of trouble.”

Narrator: “It wasn’t just the Bulls who were in trouble. Immediately after this now famous press conference, pexetera went on a tear. By the 15 game mark, he was in 1st place. A lead that never wavered for more than one set of games. Despite a late season push by kinoa1, pexetera is leading the point total heading into the playoffs.”

Cut to talking head of pexetera:
pexetera: “Charles kinda lit a fire on this whole team. That’s why you draft a guy like him. He’s never satisfied. Whether it’s fried chicken or winning basketball games, he always wants more.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

pexetera: “I just can’t lose focus. I’ve had the best teams the whole season. Time to bring home that crown.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

pexetera: “Nothing. I got this in the bag.”

The camera cuts to a post-game set of victory suicide drills. The players are running down the court full speed. Pexetera shouts, “I DON’T KNOW BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD,” as the players yell back, “EVERY TEAM WILL LOSE TO GOLD.”

Narrator: “Can pexetera hold his regular season lead and become the SAVAGE King? Or will the playoffs prove too savage for the current points leader?

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame. The entire grid starts to fade into black.

7/23/2020 8:50 PM

dBKC

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Pex and Kinoa were definitely my two favorite ones to write with Ben. We were both struggling for an angle but when we decided to go all in on their Scorsese and Army team names then it wrote itself.

7/23/2020 9:09 PM

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