WhatIF I told you... Documentary Topic

ashamael
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Posted by benhoidal on 7/10/2020 3:30:00 PM (view original):
Posted by robusk on 7/10/2020 3:00:00 PM (view original):
Posted by dBKC on 7/10/2020 2:30:00 PM (view original):
I’ve got an idea for a vehicle to deliver the shade to Ben if anyone wants to collab with me lmao
This guy, as long as we don't make it too ugly. I seemingly ran the dudes who I genuinely wanted to offend out of SimLeague Basketball.
Ugly it up! Turn me into a character, I don't care. Look, I'm the one editing this "documentary." That means that most things are going to be written from my view point. That's not really fair, especially when it comes to my episode. I'm looking for hot takes, things that might make me look bad, whatever. I can take it. Just make it funny too.
I'm in.

hahaha
7/10/2020 7:06 PM
dBKC
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I’ll SM you with what Robusk and I have been discussing!
7/10/2020 7:28 PM
benhoidal
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Posted by dBKC on 7/10/2020 7:28:00 PM (view original):
I’ll SM you with what Robusk and I have been discussing!
If you guys are coming up with anything substantial, I may need to get in on it too if you want it in the doc. I have about 6 minutes fully written and about 20 pages of raw material. I think I have a good angle already so we might want to see if we can combine bits somehow.
7/10/2020 7:54 PM
robusk
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Posted by benhoidal on 7/10/2020 7:54:00 PM (view original):
Posted by dBKC on 7/10/2020 7:28:00 PM (view original):
I’ll SM you with what Robusk and I have been discussing!
If you guys are coming up with anything substantial, I may need to get in on it too if you want it in the doc. I have about 6 minutes fully written and about 20 pages of raw material. I think I have a good angle already so we might want to see if we can combine bits somehow.
No way man. This idea is too good. You are going to have to be surprised by it.
7/10/2020 8:02 PM
mptrey
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F benhoidal.

All my homies hate benhoidal.
7/10/2020 8:05 PM
benhoidal
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Posted by robusk on 7/10/2020 8:02:00 PM (view original):
Posted by benhoidal on 7/10/2020 7:54:00 PM (view original):
Posted by dBKC on 7/10/2020 7:28:00 PM (view original):
I’ll SM you with what Robusk and I have been discussing!
If you guys are coming up with anything substantial, I may need to get in on it too if you want it in the doc. I have about 6 minutes fully written and about 20 pages of raw material. I think I have a good angle already so we might want to see if we can combine bits somehow.
No way man. This idea is too good. You are going to have to be surprised by it.
I don’t know, I think the outline of my episode that I’ve written so far may be the best thing I’ve wrote so far. Maybe I’ll share it with dB tonight and he can decide if your bit should be included in the doc or separate.
7/10/2020 8:11 PM
ashamael
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it's pretty hilarious what they've come up with. I just threw in some extreme satire that they may or may not choose to use.
7/10/2020 8:16 PM
dh555
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i wanna bring up some old **** from the zpl for the ben episode..."Ben, what are your thoughts about this video from DH?" *Hands Ben the IPad*
7/10/2020 9:34 PM (edited)
benhoidal
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Posted by dh555 on 7/10/2020 9:34:00 PM (view original):
i wanna bring up some old **** from the zpl for the ben episode..."Ben, what are your thoughts about this video from DH?" *Hands Ben the IPad*
That whole thing will be included. Your side and mine. I’ll check in after I’m done with the savage episode.
7/10/2020 9:40 PM
ashamael
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The ben episode probably is the appropriate place to at least tease the TEPL, as the whole formation of the TEPL was to make a prog free from Ben's shenanigans
7/10/2020 10:46 PM
benhoidal
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Posted by ashamael on 7/10/2020 10:46:00 PM (view original):
The ben episode probably is the appropriate place to at least tease the TEPL, as the whole formation of the TEPL was to make a prog free from Ben's shenanigans
The TEPL will probably get a blurb in the progressive episode. You’ll have to let me know about any unique story lines though.

Not sure how to handle a couple episodes including that one without it getting incredibly dry. I’ll have to come up with a good angle.
7/10/2020 11:00 PM
robusk
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For your reading pleasure, from dBKC, ashamael and robusk productions:

*Reels of creepy middle aged men are shown in a state of shock*

Stone Phillips: They are still out there, and we are still exposing them… To Catch a Sim Predator.

*To Catch A Sim Predator logo shows*

Phillips: Predators scouring the internet, targeting newbies and unsophisticated owners for trades. It’s a Whatifsports problem that Dateline has helped uncover. Good evening and welcome to Dateline, I’m Stone Phillips.

Ann Curry: I’m Ann Curry and we received such an overwhelming response to our last episode. We received sitemails from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, law enforcement and other coaches and here is what they had to say:
  • "A "new" owner would join the league on a Tuesday, and then by Friday, a predator had all of their best players for the 24th pick the next three seasons."
  • "This one predator wanted to beat me so bad he'd make aliases with obvious names like Imnotapredator or rotaderp, kick guys out of the league, take over the team, make the terrible trade giving his Moses-Bird-Parish team exactly what it needed, and then set that team up with multiple first round picks in a row, that alias would suddenly bail, and then a predator would take over it."
  • "I went undercover in a predator-led single prog. I had the first pick of the 84 draft and took Jordan. This predator offered me Phil Ford & his first next season for Jordan & my 1st the next season. I played around and haggled till he offered to throw in his 2nd the next year, but he acted like he was doing me a favor since I was 'new' "
  • "A predator made a trade veto council but vetoed their veto repeatedly when it was his team the trade council wanted to veto."
  • "Admin admitted to me that one predator was a member of Isis, antifa, and an avid Alex Jones fan. It was also hinted that he was a former NBA referee that lost his job due to fixing games."
  • "A predator messaged my wife on Facebook. He tried to get her to leave me for stale breadsticks and leftover pizza. She did."
  • "The sketchiest owner only passed me in rings because he cheated... And played waaaay more teams than me... and was better than me. BUT IT WAS MOSTLY THE FIRST TWO!!"

Philips: So tonight, we are back with another undercover investigation. This time we head to St. Paul, Minnesota. And while we may be far from Florida, new and unsavvy coaches are not far from danger. A warning, some of what you are about to see is explicit. Here’s Chris Hanson.

Chris Hanson: We’ve set up a new owner predator operation, in a new location but this coach’s excuse sounds pretty old.

*Cut to a scene of a late twenties, lean man looking very nervous sitting at a table.”

Benhoidal: He SM’d me first. It wasn’t my intention to do a trade with him. I just wanted to give him some advice really.

*Cut back to Hansen*

Hansen: Two years ago, Dateline set out to begin an investigation into online predators and we had no idea we were about to uncover an epidemic: elite coaches trying to exploit new owners, propositioning them for good players in exchange for second round picks. Our investigations revealed the enormity of the problem. Our past investigations have caught other owners who have tried to take advantage of other coaches, but nothing could have prepared us for what we found in St. Paul. Nestled among the bike paths and lake front burger joints, we found a small house, just the right size for our crew and specialty cameras.

*Cut to dBKC and robusk sitting at a bunch of computers*

dBKC: Okay, robusk has one over here and he is ready to P-A-R-T-Y. He is asking robusk to send him a picture of Dwight Howard shirtless.

Hansen: robusk and dBKC, their screen names on Whatifsports, are from TradeJustice, an online watchdog group who for the last 16 years has been catching SimLeague Basketball predators and exposing them.

Robusk: We got a live one over here. He just told me that threes don’t even matter in the sim.

dBKC: Let’s make the account.

Robusk: Okay, the account is created. Should we play in a few open leagues first? Maybe establish the account as one that’s been around for a few months and then enter a prog?

dBKC: No. *takes dramatic drag of cigarette* Enter it now. I hear he likes them fresh. ... real fresh.

Hansen: We hired the organization as consultants, so we could watch them do what they normally do: sign up for progressives and theme leagues, and pose as weak owners, home alone, and interested in making trades. We set up cameras across the house and what you see now is a man emerging from the shadows, 29-year benhoidal. He has been sitemailing online about trades with an owner who said they had only played a couple exhibition leagues. When the owner said they are worried about getting ripped off, he said: “Seriously, all the teams will try and talk you into making the playoffs. Look at how many championships I have, I’m an expert. The best way for you to win is to trade me all your good players. No need to shop around. I can offer more late first round picks than any owner” He stayed up for six hours sitemailing, more than two of those hours with his daughter screaming in the background, offering first round picks six seasons in the future, Allen Iverson, Stephon Marbury and Bob Rule for LeBron James. And look, he is loaded down with alcohol.

*Cut to a screen that screen shows a variety of sitemails that the accused has sent to our bait account.
  • “I mean, Allen Iverson was an MVP and scored more PPG than LeBron but I guess I could part with him.”
  • “2nds aren’t just filler, Manu Ginobili was a 2nd rounder in the NBA.”
  • “Look, Bob Rule was a 3rd rounder in the most recent ODL. First pick of the 3rd round, more like a 2nd rounder really”

Benhoidal: Where are you?

Decoy: I just had to jump out of the league to change team names. I’ll be right there.

Benhoidal: All right.

Decoy: I made some cookies but they are for my friends so don’t have more than one.

*Benhoidal takes five cookies*

Hansen: *opens doors* How are you tonight?

Benhoidal: *shocked* Fine?

Hansen: Why don’t you take a seat over there.

*cut to benhoidal and Chris Hansen seated at the table*

Hansen: What were you doing with Carmelo Anthony over there and why are your pants unzipped?

Benhoidal: I was just trying to get comfortable. I was planning to be sitting at that chair sitemailing for a long time.

Hansen: And what do you have in that briefcase over there?

Benhoidal: Um, it is a short story I was going to share with this owner as a welcome to Whatifsports gift.

Hansen: Is that…a fan fiction episode of Dateline you wrote about yourself? It says “Sim Devil” but really it is just 28 pages about how good you are about SimLeague Basketball. Did you really think anyone would want to read this?

Benhoidal: Everyone reads ashamael’s stuff and I am way smarter than he is.

Hansen: I think you know better than that. Sounds like you got a pretty big night planned here. What did you think was going to happen?

Benhoidal: Just hang out. Maybe offer some advice to the new owner so someone like cjok1051 doesn’t try to take advantage of them.

Hansen: How many leagues has this new owner played in?

Benhoidal: Maybe a couple dozen? Enough that I don’t think we should legislate on them. I think we need to let owners run their teams.

Hansen: You mean zero? You see that there is something wrong with someone with your level of success trading with new owners or owners that are known to be kind of behind the curve on what is successful?

Benhoidal: *scared and mumbling* Well, I didn’t know he was a newbie. He told me he played before under a different username.

Hansen: Our sitemails show that you knew he was a newbie. Do you know what is wrong with that?

Benhoidal: It’s against the well-defined set of social ethics?

Hansen: It’s against the league rules

Benhoidal: “well actuallllly…”

*benhoidal’s voice fades out and is replaced by dramatic music while he is shown explaining his interpretation of the rules in montage form. The camera cuts to a clock on the wall and transitions to another shot of the clock 35 minutes later, to show the passage of time.*

Hansen: You should be ashamed of yourself. And you knew that before you sitemailed this owner.

Benhoidal: I have never had a sense of shame in my entire life.

Hansen: How many SM’s did it take to make this deal happen?

Benhoidal: 127

Hansen: 127? That is a lot to go though to make a trade with a new owner. You have to be pretty dedicated huh?

Benhoidal: *nods head*

Hansen: So you guys were what, going to just keep doing trades all the time until he quit the league?

Benhoidal: No no I have to use that alias for another league… I mean, no, he told me he was planning to be in the league for a long time. With all those late first and second round picks he should be able to build a monster.

Hansen: It is a single season progressive. Those picks are worthless. You know that.

Benhoidal: *just blinking uncontrollably and eating cookies* They’re not worthless! I traded 3 guys that I picked with 2nd rounders for Dwight Howard! He can do the same thing later!

Hansen: If there is anything else you’d like to say to us, we’d love to hear it. If not, you are free to walk right out the door you came in.

Benhoidal: I’m just...free to go?

Hansen: Yes. Admins don’t actually do anything around here.

*Ben walks out the door. Gets absolutely violently tackled, then tased by a Sheriff’s deputy. The camera zooms in on his ID tag: “slashtc.”*

(Back in the studio, with a slowly-pushing in three shot of Phillips, Curry, and Hanson all looking at one another)

Phillips: Chris, I’ve heard there have been developments since your encounter with this particular sim predator.

Hanson: Stone, Ann, a group of owners reached out to me while prepping this story to tell me they were taking a stand.

Curry: In what way?

Hanson: They came up with a new progressive with very specific & stringent rules against experienced owners taking advantage of disadvantaged owners.

Phillips: Is that all?

Hanson: No. The first rule of sim club is you don’t invite Benhoidal. The second rule of sim club is YOU DO NOT INVITE BENHOIDAL.

Curry: Has it worked?

Hanson, leans back in his seat & gives a defeated shrug: Nobody knows. Benhoidal could be anywhere or anyone. I even heard a rumor that he masqueraded around as the enigmatic yet lovable bds9992 to try & get in the league.

Curry, gasping: But bds has never won anything!

Phillips, at the same time: Did he get in?

(B-roll of an apparent crippled man hobbling, looking over his shoulder, and then walking normally)

Hanson: Ann, who knows what lengths the devil may go? The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

(Back on 3-shot)

Hanson: And Stone, yes, he made it in but was removed after a series of suspicious trades & constant arguing & baiting of (pauses & turns to camera one for a tight shot) slashtc. (Hanson smirks)

The signature sound of the opening licks of the immortal Rolling Stones song, “Paint it Black” begins to play as the screen fades to nothingness. A moment passes. Then another. Then it begins to fade back in, onto an uncomfortably tight shot of Benhoidal smirking. The song transitions to another classic Stones hit as Ben says, “Pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name…”
7/14/2020 12:00 AM (edited)
benhoidal
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Great stuff.
7/13/2020 10:45 PM
pexetera
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great concept - to catch a sim predator. pass the bread sticks.
7/13/2020 11:32 PM
jhsukow
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Ben somehow sent Ann Curry and 2 2nd round picks for Steph Curry.
7/13/2020 11:40 PM
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