Season 2 - Episode 14: The Three Eyed Bird
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.
Scene opens to Lord Commander Shaq staring intensely over the coffin of King Kinoa. Sir Shaq puts up his hands in prayer and we can hear what he is thinking.
{King Kinoa, I vow to track down your true killer. I will avenge you, my King. Please, send me a sign, anything.}
The camera zooms back slowly and we see that from high above the Three Eyed Bird from Bostonia is watching. We zoom in on the Bird’s face to see its wispy blond mustache and bad haircut.
Cut to the practice courtyard where Sir Shaq has just defeated Sir Whiteside and Sir Draymond. He is talking to Lord 24kpyrite when something white falls from the sky and onto Sir Shaq’s great helm, splattering both himself and Lord 24kpyrite.
Lord 24kpyrite: “Ahhhh!”
Sir Shaq: “Blplmrvl!”
Both heads turn to the sky. Wings flap and the Three Eyed Bird soars to the end of the courtyard and perches on Lord dh555’s shoulder. It turns to look straight at Sir Shaq.
The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 14: The Three Eyed Bird
Scene opens to the Tower of the Hand where Lord dh555 is seated in an ornate chair behind a large desk. On the floor is a massive circular rug in the shape of a basketball. The rug is white and the lines of the basketball are blue. In the middle are three large fives in red. On the walls are great murals depicting the events of the first SAVAGE war. Perched on the shoulder of Lord dh555, sits the Three Eyed Bird of Bostonia. We hear a knock on the door.
Lord dh555: “Come in.”
The door opens and we see the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Sir Shaq: “Mblvrblml.”
Behind him, eleven of the knights selected by Lord dh555 stream into the room. Sir Shaq looks intensely at Lord dh555 for a moment then retreats out of the room, shutting the door.
Lord dh555: “Knights, thank you for coming on such short notice.”
Sir Jason: “My Lord, I’m sorry the trial didn’t go as planned. I know how much you wanted to see bds9992 executed.”
Lord dh555: “It makes no matter. He demanded trial by combat. In order to be set free he would have to win one of the five tournaments. Little chance of that.”
Sir Tracy: “He’s actually doing quite well. He’s in second place overall and is tied for first in one of the tournaments.”
Lord dh555: “It won’t last. It’s bds9992. You know him, he’s going to do something foolish eventually. He’ll promote Sir Zelmo, or worse, let Sir Westbrook lead an attack.”
Sir Jamaal: “But My Lord, what if he actually wins?”
Lord dh555: “Well I guess if it comes down to it, we can fix it ourselves. Or maybe hire someone from the ‘No Evil’ guild.”
Sir Lawson: “My Lord, pardon my insolence, but why do you want to see him dead so badly?”
Lord dh555’s eyes gloss over. “Hmm? Umm, well… I guess I… hmm. Well, I’m sure I had my reasons.” His eyes return to normal. “Anyways, the reason I called you here. Lord pexetera is running away with the tournament again. He’ll probably falter in the final tilts as he did in the Savage War, but he’s becoming a major problem. A few others are ahead of us as well. We need to stop them. Whatever means necessary. If we can’t beat them during the tournament, we need to attack at night, target their key fighters, make them incapable of participating.”
Sir Kobe: “My Lord, I’m all for defeating them in battle, but what you are talking about is against the rules you set forth yourself. It’s against everything we stand for as knights. It is against my Mamba mentality.”
Lord dh555: “And you’re such a standup knight, huh? Who was it again that kept your little misdeed with that young maiden from going to trial?”
Sir Kobe looks down at his boots. “You, My Lord.”
Lord dh555: “I don’t have to get the courts to review your case, do I?”
Sir Kobe looks up horrified. “No, My Lord, please!”
Lord dh555: “Do not despair Sir Kobe. I only kid. Speaking of which, Sir Jason, who was it who declared you innocent in your trial with your lady wife? Or what about when you crashed your carriage after a night at the tavern? Sir Tracy, who was it who dismissed your case out of hand when that wench of yours demanded payment for your bastard? Or Sir Jamaal, when things got out of hand at that brothel? Sir Lawson, I’m sure I don’t have to start listing all of your run-ins that I have gotten you out of? I mean why do you think I selected all of you?”
The knights start fidgeting uncomfortably in front of the large desk.
Lord dh555 stands up and shoes them away. “Off with you all. Remember, any means necessary. Be as SAVAGE as you wish.”
The knights shuffle out the door and past Sir Shaq. Lord dh555 turns to the large knight. “You don’t have to guard me night and day you know. I am not the king yet.” The Three Eyed Bird on his shoulder pecks hard at Sir Shaq as if he is trying to get his attention. Sir Shaq swiftly dodges the bird, turns to Lord dh555, and mumbles, “Blrmbrgl,” before resuming his post. Lord dh555 shakes his head and re-enters the room closing the door behind him.
As he walks towards his desk, the air shimmers to his left and a shadowy figure appears. We cannot see its face, but a hand appears out of the shadows. The hand slowly twists and Lord dh555’s eyes gloss over once more.
A voice comes out from the shadows, “Lord Hand, I hear bds9992 has demanded a trial by combat.”
Lord dh555: “There was nothing I could do! But don’t worry, bds9992 is sure to lose in the tournament and when he does we can execute him then. Trust the process.”
“It makes no matter, it was all part of the plan.”
Lord dh555: “You knew he would demand a trial by combat? I don’t understand.”
“bds9992 will meet his end soon enough. Until then, the lords of this realm need to be distracted a little longer. There are still a few more loose ends to tie before our final play.”
Our camera zooms in closer on the scene. We focus in on the Three Eyed Bird of Bostonia, perched on Lord dh555’s shoulder. As we get closer and closer, its third eye gets bigger and bigger until it takes up the entire screen. Our camera is swallowed by the darkness of the eye, and everything turns black.
We cut to the trial of bds. Our camera is focused on Lord dh555. On his shoulder, perches the Three Eyed Bird. Next to him Lord benhoidal is dressed in the robes of a red priest. We hear him say, “Nevertheless, I vote guilty.”
bds9992: “Wh.. wh.. what? Why?”
Lord benhoidal: “Well, because you’re beating me in the tournament of course.”
He turns to look at Lord dh555 and smiles. The Three Eyed Bird takes a peck at him. He bats at it with his arm and slides a few feet back. Behind him, we see Sir Shaq who is glaring intensely at Lord dh555. Our camera shifts back to the Hand and we hear him say, “You have motive, you have proven yourself guilty of SIM malpractice, and now you mock myself and the gods? I vote guilty.”
The air shimmers and we cut to a hallway outside the throne room. Lord dh555 is standing alone apart from the Three Eyed Bird on his shoulder. His eyes are glossed over. We hear a voice from the shadows say, “Remember, it is imperative for bds9992 to be found guilty. If he is found innocent, the Lords may start to question how King Kinoa really died. We cannot allow them to become suspicious.”
With a pop the shadow disappears and dh555’s eyes regain their color. He begins to march towards the doors of the throne room. He passes an adjacent hallway and the camera briefly catches Sir Shaq listening with his ear to the wall. Lord dh555 does not notice him and proceeds to open the doors and enters the throne room. Inside, the throne room is packed with the lords and ladies of the realm, awaiting the trial of bds9992.
The air shimmers again and we cut to the Sept of Baylor. High in the rafters perches the Three Eyed Bird. He is looking down and we follow his gaze to see the coffin of the Late King Kinoa. Next to it, The Lord Commander, Sir Shaq, and the Hand of the King, Lord dh555 are talking to each other. We cannot hear what they are saying, but we see Lord dh555 slip a vial out from under his robes and slyly raise it to the lips of the late king while he distracts Sir Shaq.
The air shimmers and we cut to the kitchens. Lord dh555 opens the door and enters. The Three Eyed Bird is perched on his shoulder. We pass Sir Stephen, who is wearing a large chef’s hat and taking a gigantic birthday cake out of the oven. Lord dh555 pauses to look at the writing on the cake. Happy Motherf*cking Birthday Lord dBKC! “Great day for a feast, huh Sir Stephen? I didn’t know it was your lord's birthday today? I will have to give him a shoutout.” We hear Sir Stephen muttering something about everyday being a birthday. In the corner of our screen we see Sir Michael of Jordan examining a table full of the largest pies anyone has ever seen. Lord dh555 continues walking until he gets to the generously grand casks of wine that line the walls. He pauses to look over his shoulder before taking a vial out of his robes.
The air shimmers again and we are back in the tower of the Hand of the King before the feast that would later be known as the Malice of the Chalices. Lord dh555 has a quill in hand and is writing a letter. The Three Eyed Bird is flying high above. We zoom in on the letter he is writing. A few phrases stand out. I have secured the vial. Once the lords of the realm have fallen you are sure to win. Lord pharrop will be sure to pay for selecting the knights you wanted. I will make sure he gets an extra dose. We hear a knock on the door. Lord dh555 calmly folds his paper and sets it inside a drawer.
Lord dh555: “Come in.”
The air shimmers again and we are at the knight selection process. We see Lord dh555 stand up and select “The Three Eyed Bird from Bostonia.” We hear a flap of wings and the Bird swoops in and lands on his shoulder.
The air shimmers and we are in the throne room. High above, the Three Eyed Bird is flying in the rafters. At the foot of the throne, King Kinoa, 1st of his name, lies dead. Blood is pooled around him and a dagger is sticking out of his back. Next to him, the Hand of the King, Lord dh555 is pacing back and forth frantically. The air shimmers to his left and a shadow appears. We hear a voice say, “Excellent. You have done well, Lord Hand.”
Lord dh555 looks up at the shadow in despair. “What have I done? I don’t remember coming in here. Whose dagger is this? Why did I kill him? He was my friend.”
The shadowy figure moves closer. “The King is dead. Finally, the path is clear. With King Kinoa removed, no one stands in my way to the throne. I couldn’t have done it without you of course. None of the other lords trust me.”
Lord dh555: “What do I do now? I am ruined.”
The voice speaks once more: “We must cause a diversion. Keep the Lord’s attention elsewhere. Start a new Savage War. No one will suspect a thing. They all know how Savage you are.”
Lord dh555: “A new Savage War? Awesome. But what about the King?”
“I will handle that. His body will look as good as new with no sign of damage. You can claim it was poison. You will need to procure a vial of one of the Grand Maester’s poisons he keeps in his chambers and get to the body before he does. Luckily, Grand Maester Seble never graces us with his presence so we should have some time. You will need a scapegoat. I think bds9992 would be a good choice. The rest of the lords are just waiting for an opportunity to turn against him.”
The shadow turns as if to leave, before slowly spinning back to face the Hand.
“One more thing.” A red sleeve emerges from the shadow and a hand points to the ceiling. “You’re going to want to make sure you draft that damned bird so no one else finds out your secret.”
We hear a pop and the shadow dissolves. Lord dh555 looks down at the body of the late King Kinoa, and then raises his head to stare at the Three Eyed Bird above. Our camera follows his gaze and zooms in on the rafters. As the Three Eyed Bird swoops towards the camera, its third eye gets bigger and bigger until it takes up the entire screen. Our camera is swallowed by the darkness of the eye, and everything turns black. A few moments later the third eye takes up our screen again, getting smaller and smaller until we are back in the Tower of the Hand and in the present. Lord dh555 is sitting at his desk, his eyes still glossed over. To his left, the shadow is still there, shimmering in the air.
The voice from the shadows emerges one last time. “Soon, the throne will be mine. If it wasn’t for Sir Hakeem’s late fight struggles, I would have risen after the first Savage War. Now the time has come to take what is rightfully mine. We will destroy the other Lords of the Realm using this tournament as a ruse. I will emerge victorious and be crowned the Savage King.”
From out of the shadows, we see two pointed horns emerge. Underneath, the face of Lord benhoidal comes into view grinning wickedly from ear to ear. He tilts his head back and lets loose a maniacal laugh. He disappears with a pop and Lord dh555’s eyes return to normal. The blackness of the shadow Lord benhoidal left behind takes over our entire screen. White block letters fill the void: GAME OF ZONES.