Season 2 - Episode 16: Chef’s Special
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.
Scene opens to Sir LeBron who is riding a beautiful white stallion down the streets of King’s Landing. Behind him, Sir Anthony of Brow rides up to his side.
Sir Anthony: “That over there is the Bearded Knight of House Morey. They say he almost single handedly defeated his Grace in the SAVAGE WAR.”
Cut to Sir Stephen the water dancer who is training Sir Kemp.
Sir Stephen pulls a chef hat out of his scabbard and puts it on: “I have to go and make Lord dBKC his birthday cake.”
Sir Kemp: “But Sir, wasn’t his birthday yesterday?”
Sir Stephen sighs and gives Sir Kemp an exasperated look: “Every day is his motherf*cking birthday.”
Cut to the trial of bds9992. Lord robusk is addressing the crowd.
Lord robusk: “We will follow the rules of the seven gods of the SIM.” The camera pans over to Lord cmcafeeky as Lord robusk says the word, “Chaos.”
The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 16: Chef’s Special
Scene opens to a wide shot of King’s Landing. We see the main courtyard in the middle of our screen. Beyond that is the ornate Sept of Baylor the Bricklayer and beyond that the splendid castle at the heart of the Red Keep. We zoom in on a street leading up to the castle. There are rows of wealthy shops up and down the road. Merchants and townspeople are in jovial moods and are out and about spending their coins. As our camera follows along the road, we suddenly take a sharp turn down a dark alley. Another darker alley crosses with this one and we find ourselves at the very end where a small establishment has set up shop. Above the door we see the word ‘Brothel’ and we enter. Inside there are a number of women on the main floor who, along with Sir Rodman, are all dressed in sultry apparel. They are all listening to Dame the Bard sing by the fireplace.
“Now back to the story of bds,
He’s rotting in a jail.
Lord pexetera’s men, the Wolves of the North,
Refused to grant him bail.”
We hear noises coming from the doors leading away from the main room and we open one and enter. Inside we see Sir Harden, the Bearded Knight, along with Sir Mutombo and Sir Wall. Lord cmcafeeky is also there. With them is a beautiful woman. They are all drinking wine.
Lord cmcafeeky: “I told you she was the most beautiful lady in the realm.”
Sir Harden: “My Lord, I’m not sure I feel comfortable having a go at your sister.”
Lord cmcafeeky: “It’s fine. Trust me, she’s the best in King’s Landing. I would know.”
The knights all look up at him with equal parts horror and fascination. There are audible gasps.
Lord cmcafeeky: “Hey man, she’s hot.”
Sir Mutombo shakes his finger at him: “No, no, no.”
Sir Wall: “Wait, she’s your sister?”
Lord cmcafeeky puffs out his chest and stands to his full height.
“A beautiful madam, regardless of one’s relation, is a site to behold.
I’m going to quote one of my favorite manuscript writers, the great Archmaester Ranty McRant, who said ‘Follow your sword, even if it leads you to grassless fields or familiar stations.’ Although in mine case, it would be more like a dagger. Ask my wife, who will then tell you that she could at least feel a real dagger.
When it comes to honor I have none. Ask my wife. When I am honor, she asks me to get off her.
But what little honor I do have is defended by a pack of Wildcats. We have destroyed the pack of sapphire devils sent from the Duke of Carolina many a time. And every time I watched mine wildcats conquer the foe, mine dagger would grow sharper.
And what is a dagger with no sheath? If a fair maiden is present, who cares which house she belongs to? If I want to visit her at her place, I shall. It’s just a short walk to the kitchen.
All roses have thorns.
And I have been covered with pedals.
But yes, to answer your question, she is my sister”
The three knights look at each other, confused.
Sir Harden: “What? Did you guys understand any of that?”
Sir Mutombo shakes his finger in front of his face. “No, no, no.”
Sir Wall: “I guess you are from Kentucky. When I studied at the academy there, incest was common practice.”
Sir Harden: “Did you go to the Kentucky Academy too My Lord? No wonder no one can understand anything you write or say.”
Lord cmcafeeky: “Sir Harden, why do you hate me so? I drafted all your friends from the Savage War. And now I set you up with my hot sister.”
Sir Harden: “You may have taken all the same knights, but you don’t know how to use us like Lord dBKC did. You completely ignore the fighting statistics, and you never let me cook. I miss baking birthday cakes everyday.”
Lord cmcafeeky puffs out his chest once more.
“Fighting statistics?
does Sir Curry measure the circumference of the arc before striking?
did Kentucky’s greatest warrior - Sir Sanders (Colonel, not Bernie - hate that guy) do any word problems before conquering the culinary world? No. And he served up more buckets than anybody. King Kinoa included.
did Sir Lancealot calculate how many times he needed to use his lance? No. He just knew he needed to use his Lance a lot.
did my wife measure the size of my dagger before deciding that I was no threat?
Don’t answer that.
spirit - valor - courage...
pssst...we hear we lack those from the town crier and from the horseback scouts as well...but never from the jester. Take that for what you will.
Do you think Lord Calipari cares about arithmetic and such? His knights can barely do simple maths themselves.
If numbers mattered, the dang knights would have to take a math class. We don’t do math class in Kentucky do we Sir Wall?”
Sir Wall: “No, My Lord. I always had a serving girl do my math for me.”
Lord cmcafeeky’s sister: “But aren’t numbers important in that tournament y’all are a part of?”
Lord cmcafeeky: “Quiet wench. If I had wanted you to open your mouth, I would have paid for that.”
Sir Harden: “You’re missing my point, My Lord. All I want to do is cook. Why won’t you let me cook for you? Lord dBKC had me cook him a motherf*cking birthday cake every single day.”
Lord cmcafeeky: “I didn’t draft you to cook. The kitchen is not for men. I drafted you to fight. I drafted you, because you led Lord dBKC to a second place finish in the Savage War. Why are you not fighting as well for me?”
Sir Harden: “Maybe if you let me cook once in a while, my mind wouldn’t be so distracted while I’m on the battlefield. I always get so tense in big moments during the fights, I need a way to relax and relieve some of that tension.”
Lord cmcafeeky: “Why do you think I brought you my sister?”
Sir Harden: “I mean, I always enjoy a good brothel, but it’s just not the same. I need a place to try my new recipes. I need a place to cook.”
Lord cmcafeeky’s sister: “I can show you to the kitchen here Sir? I would love to try one of your signature cream filled pastries.”
Sir Harden: “You have a kitchen here? By all means, lead the way.”
Lord cmcafeeky’s sister takes Sir Harden by the hand and leads him out of the room.
Sir Wall: “Do you have any other hot sisters?”
Lord cmcafeeky: “Well, I married my other sister, but she isn’t nearly as hot. I better go check on Sir Harden. I don’t like it when my knights participate in womanly chores.”
Lord cmcafeeky gets up and follows his sister and Sir Harden out of the room. Sir Wall turns to Sir Dikembe. “Well, as long as we are here, shall we see if any other girls are available?”
Sir Dikembe starts to nod his head. “Yes, yes, yes.”
We cut to Lord cmcafeeky walking down the stairwell to the kitchen. As he nears the door, we hear loud grunting sounds. He pushes the door open with both hands and stumbles into the room. Inside, Sir Harden is alone and is expertly crafting a pie crust.
Lord cmcafeeky: “Where is my lady sister?”
Sir Harden: “She left once she realized that I actually just wanted to cook. I think she had other ideas.”
Lord cmcafeeky: “What did I tell you about cooking? This is not suitable for a knight of my house. What will Lord amerk think? I forbid you from cooking anymore!”
Sir Harden’s eyes narrow. His hand inches towards a meat cleaver on the countertop. “You forbid me from cooking?”
Lord cmcafeeky: “Yes. I forbid it. You should be on the practice courtyard working on your swordsmanship.”
Sir Harden’s fingers close upon the handle of the meat cleaver.
We cut to the main floor of the brothel where along with Sir Rodman, the ladies of the establishment are still curled by the fireplace, listening to Dame the Bard.
“So begins the trial of bds,
The whole realm held its breath.
He demanded to live or die by the sword,
Trial by combat to the death.”
The door from the kitchen opens and Sir Harden brings out the largest pie any of them have ever seen. He has a broad grin stretched across his face that we can almost see from under his beard.
Sir Harden: “Ladies! Who wants to try my special pie?”
He starts passing out slices to each of the women. We hear brief comments from them about the pie.
“This is delicious!”
“Wow! What flavor!”
“Amazing!”
One of the women looks right at Sir Harden. “Why do you call this your special pie?”
Sir Harden: “Why, because it is made with an extra special ingredient, of course!”
“And what’s that?”
Sir Harden winks mischievously at her. “The best chefs never tell my dear, but I think I will be cooking a lot more from now on.”
The camera zooms in on the slice of pie she is eating. Inside the filling we can just make out the outline of a finger. Our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES