Let's suppose that you generally take things in stride. People goof around and you either add to it or lay back, waiting for something more substantial to happen. Fine enough.
Let's suppose then that people start saying things about you that you don't appreciate. Maybe it's an insinuation that seems to permeate. Maybe it's one too many mocking posts. Maybe it's a straight up insult that has no humorous intent whatsoever. Let's say that with all of that, you let it go, or even join in making fun of yourself, because you know that nothing you do is sacred.
Or, one could also suppose that perhaps someone is really taking advantage of you, or is being hypocritical. In any of these circumstances, one might start to get a little agitated.
Let's say that all of this continues. The minute you decide to stick up for yourself a little bit, things will happen. Why? Everything was cool the day before because you allowed people to do what they want. You believe everyone has the right to make their own decision. You're interested in exploring their rationale, but not in writing off their reasoning completely. You don't judge. That's great, but you won't get that from everyone. Everyone is not open minded or patient. Certainty, certainly, can be a blessing and a curse.
When certainty is paired with misinterpretation, conflict of needs, or intolerance, you may be subject to "cancellation."
If you find yourself in that position, don't fret. You can ask yourself all the questions in the world, like "don't they remember all the ways I tried to help/said nice things/tried to relate to them? Don't they remember their own actions that may have led to this? Also, what if I'm a good dude who could continue to add to their lives? Are they saying I have nothing more to offer that they'd want? How could they be so sure about that?" Honestly, I don't think they've thought it through. Their tolerance is what it is. However tolerant they may claim to be, whatever you said crosses that line. Your costs now outweigh your benefit, and they can't be bothered.
Great. Now, for eternity (how long is that, exactly?), you are condemned to exile in the eyes of a few. You may have your grievances with them, and yet you still care about them, because caring does not stop at the water's edge. It stops when it stops; it has a mind of its own.
I suppose the impetus behind "cancel culture" is that you are no longer trusted to make good decisions, and thus must be exiled. Fine. Harm reduction is OK.
But, in that instance, what you've done no longer matters. It's about that person's valuation of you. Everything else you bring to the table doesn't really outweigh that original sin you've inflicted. The pain you now feel on the grounds of such isolation is of no concern; you earned this somehow, your awareness of your own fallibility no longer matters or is taken into account. You can be as humble as you like, as conciliatory or as apologetic as you want, it makes no difference. The die has been cast.
Some people never give you a chance. Some wait for you to give them a reason to let go, because they've decided that whatever their impression of you is makes you a risk. Validate those concerns, and they'll lock you up in social Siberia for all time.
The feeling that follows, then, could be a need for answers......or haughty defiance. You could go the other way and defend your ground. "I don't need them! I never needed them! Screw such and such!" Great, for whatever good that does you.
Ultimately, releasing them from any relationship or social contract they may have had with you is probably the best mindset here. I'm tangentially a Taoist myself, so letting go of things is my credo. The less you carry, the less you weigh. It works for me. I don't let anyone or anything weigh me down. I abide by my own standards, and include the people and things in my life who add to my life. If anyone believes I owe some sort of karmic debt, well, I suppose we could tally the receipts, but ultimately I know I've been forthcoming and sincere. Whether or not they realize that is their own weight to carry or discard.
It is simple enough to say that "something you said is unacceptable," but it is much harder to evaluate what you are willing to accept by your own standards. If you've decided to abide by all of society's rules and regulations, you are one of the few. In all likelihood, you've already made your own cost benefit calculations. Abide by those, but remember to keep your heart open. Keep your mind open. There's no limit to what you can achieve. Some people, I realize, just won't engage beyond a certain point. They are either unwilling or unconditioned. Either way, the final decision to disengage was made by the other person. The cost-benefit calculation was made by them. If you're having trouble pointing to anything you've said that could have been offensive, well, then, don't fall for the Jedi mind trick. You get to excuse or cancel yourself. Don't give them that power. If life is getting too heavy, just throw a few things away. Don't make them feel used or discarded, but edit your mind. Get rid of the unnecessary baggage. Release yourself from caring about everyone and anything without becoming completely apathetic. If you can do that, whenever someone chooses to cancel you, you will rob them of the ability to hurt you. I've got a bit of work to do on that front. I care quite a bit about nearly everything, which makes me a freakin' chimera in this day and age. Perhaps it's not such a bad idea to take your thoughts and emotions to a place where they cannot be read as permanent, black-and-white text on a screen. They probably don't belong in a place like this (yeah, I know, the irony). But, this is the world we've got, for however long. We try, we fail, we get up, we survive: the circle of life.
8/15/2020 12:30 PM (edited)