The Deal World
By Adam Hoff
This column originally ran at www.GuerillaSports.com.
"This is the true story of seven estranged-ers, picked by their Major League teams to sit on the chopping block, and find out what happens when franchises stop being polite and start making deals."
know The Real World. It's the self-proclaimed king of reality TV. The empire
that spawned such primetime gems as "For Love or Money" and "Are you Hot?" The
show that started out portraying seven strangers legitimately trying to make it
in the "real world" has become a parody of itself; the producers now coax every
act of debauchery from the cast as quickly as possible. Honestly, I'm not sure
which version is more Real.
One thing I am sure about: the true king of reality TV would be a full season of Real World, Portland Trailblazers 2001. But that's just me. For you, I've got a far more relevant Real World/pro sports blend in this Sunday’s Major League Baseball trade deadline. I call it The Deal World. Think about it: the players are putting together their audition tapes (A.J. Burnett mowing down the Giants one week before deadline). They are packing their bags (and Whizzinators). And they are doing everything in their power to turn 15 minutes of fame into a nice, fat paycheck. So as teams make their last trades before the season "starts getting real," I'd like to highlight the seven Deal World characters most likely to be picked to live in a new house:
[see: M.J., RW Philadelphia]
Please keep in mind that I'm not actually saying that Adam Dunn has never met a homosexual male. He just fits the part of the strapping, slow-talking country boy that gets all the ladies and "finally experiences the world" during his time in the house. In this case, Dunn is getting all the suitors thanks to his incredible power ("chicks dig the long ball"), and he might get the chance to experience the "playoff world" if he finds himself manning first base for the surging Houston Astros.
2. Ken Griffey Jr., Cincinnati Reds
The Crazy Girl Who Screams A Lot and Thinks People Are Talking About Her
[see: Leah, RW Paris]
Two Reds outfielders on the same list! Griffey used to be a lovable star that wore his hat backwards, flashed a world class grin, and crushed mammoth homeruns. Now he's an injury-prone prima donna that everyone is scared to discuss in trade talks, for fear that he'll be so moody about it that he'll stop hitting. On second thought, he might be more like Tonya from RW Chicago. You remember: "Kidney stones! Not on trip! Kidney stones! Not on trip!"
3. A.J. Burnett,
The Desirable Girl Who Every Dude is After
[see: Elka, RW Boston]
This guy is the toast of the Deal World. He's young, durable and armed with both a no-hitter to his credit and fastball speed that regularly approaches three digits. The Orioles want him so badly they were almost willing to take on Mike Lowell (see: Danny, RW Austin) and Mike Lowell's contract (see: Puck, RW San Francisco). Now it looks like it will be one of the Sox (Black or Red) that land him, or that the Marlins will just keep him. Maybe they should all just go to the nearest night club and see who gets wasted and makes out with Burnett first. Settle this thing Real World style.
4. Randy Winn,
The Responsible Guy Who Works Hard and Gets Along With Everyone
[see: Jamie, RW
Nobody is talking about Winn, but he could be a valuable addition to a contender for the stretch run. He's a decent outfielder (better in left than center though), runs well, has always hit better after the All-Star break (37 points higher over the past two seasons), AND he even has reality television experience thanks to his harrowing turn on ESPN's "Teammates" with Joel Pineiro. Hey Stuart Scott, that gameshow's mad hot, yo. Nice career move dawg.
5. Mark Redman,
The Boring Downer
[see: Jon, RW
Nothing against Redman personally, but talk about desperation setting in. Since when is a mediocre lefty worth multiple top prospects? This guy makes past deadline reaches like Esteban Loaiza and Mark Langston look like Cy Young winners. If the Marlins think they can deal Burnett and just replace him with Redman, they are in for a rude awakening.
6. Phil Nevin,
The Guy Who Really, Really Wants to Stay After the Show is Over
[see: Steven, RW Vegas]
Note to Phil: the Padres don't want you anymore. Just let them trade you and go get yourself a fresh start. You are starting to look a little sad and pathetic.
The Complete and Total X-Factor
[see: C.T., RW Paris]
C.T. was the ultimate Real World X-Factor. He took unpredictability to a new level, whether it was punching French dudes, taking credit for flowers he didn't buy, or just being a blindly competitive jackass. For better or worse, he commanded the spotlight on RW Paris and all other MTV reality shows he glommed onto. And he usually put his show over the top. As for his sports equivalent, the word is that
So there you have it ... the real deal from my Guerilla Confessional. Until next time on The Deal World ...
Adam Hoff is a columnist for the Webby-winning WhatifSports.com and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.