I'm still pretty new at this but though this was funny...
"SHHH-BANG! That's what I'm talking about! I was so excited to see you at the house, my momma had to hose down the carpet three times. She said she hadn't seen anybody so excited since the day they delivered grandpappy's Russian mail-order bride. She didn't speak a lick of English, but grandpappy didn't seem to mind. I'm not sure what she saw in him, but she must've seen something 'cuz they would go at it like two gophers at a carrot. Grandpappy died of some heart mischief later and his bride got all his belongings and money to soothe her aching heart. She's living in Beverly Hills now. She seems to be doing fine, but she won't return our calls anymore. Speaking of calls...how come you haven't returned any of my calls. I tried to call every hour to check on my status. I even found your home number, but something must be wrong, because it says its disconnected now. If you're having trouble paying those folks at the phone company, never you mind.
Why, once for about three years we had no phones 'cuz daddy couldn't get off'n his lazy butt to go get a job. He even tried doing one of them Wal-mart jobs of saying 'Hey, welcome to Wal-mart', but he kept messing it up. Momma had enough of that. She went out and got herself a new daddy. I don't see him much, but I think he must work all day, since he only comes by at night to call on momma and they go at it like pappy use to with his Russian gal. Funny though, he always sounds different, but momma doesn't mind only seeing him for a few hours every night. One time someone asked her what she did for a living and she said she was in the oldest profession - so I think she's a secretary or something. Anyways, you stop back, okay? Momma would love to talk to you again. She kept ranting about your pretty eyes, but I told her she must be crazy. I'll talk to ya later - when you get your phone undisconnected - and I can't wait to play for you and Bethel.
Love ya, man!"