WEEK EIGHT
THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT
Â
  Â
Animals
Â
   THE ZOOKEEPER is on his annual mid-season vacation hiatus this week at
an undisclosed location. It gives the maintenance staff a chance to clean
out THE VAN and fumigate certain areas as necessary, while re-stocking
Muscatel inventory in preparation for the season's final second half journey
into greatness for the aspiring football genius animals. It also gives us,
the staff here at LMS, a chance to unlock the remnants still sitting in the
great man's mail box. Following are some such samples of his direct
communication mail bag with the animals. The names have been changed in
some circumstances to protect some real idiots. Other times, they have not.
Â
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: Are you familiar with the Hindu practice of Karva Chauth,
and do you think it is fair that my husband is demanding that I undertake
the practice each year (even though we are catholic)? He says it will
increase his chances to win your WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL? signed,
SARI ANIMAL'S WIFE
DEAR SARI: THE ZOOKEEPER is very aware of this and all futile animal
petitions to gain the attention of dame fortune. Like a low slider at the
knees to Ryan Howard, or a Ray Lewis late game snatching grab, disaster is
never more than a sudden moment away when you live in the cages. Petty
attempts to alter fate in your favor are as common as bags of cash in Hamid
Karzai's garage.  Some animals will try anything to keep the evil spirits
of the night at bay from the planned prosperity that they hope to attain
through their certain football genius destiny. They are as frightened of
the unexpected and unseen savagery that threatens their fragile existence,
as fleeing tourists fearing to spend another night with New York City bed
bugs, or Mel Gibson's agent waiting on a casting director's call. THE
ZOOKEEPER does not endorse the usage of any particular protective amulets,
voodoo rituals, or other talisman devices, but the determined Hindu practice
of Karva Chauth is always one that he has found to be of a particular charm.
He understands the desperate needs of the animals to seek any advantage in
their struggle for weekly survival, and, if in the end, the wife might loose
a few pounds in the process.. what the heck. ZK
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I am playing in your WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL for the
first time and have just been eliminated by the stupid Broncos. I notice
that this week's losing teams will now take the remaining number of
surviving cages down to under 1500. Will you be running a "second chance"
pool for all of us who have been eliminated? This pool is the highlight of
my year and I don't know what I will do with out it. signed, SCOTTSMAN
DEAR SCOTTY: Get a life. Did you hear me? Get a life. ZK
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER:Â I have just been eliminated after WEEK SEVEN, but after
WEEK SIX I had written to you and told you that if all others were
interested, I would be willing to split this year's prize pool. Did they
agree? signed, SLUGGO
DEAR SLUGGO: No. ZK
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER HONORABLE SIR AND MASTER OF ALL THE DIGNITARIES WHO COME TO
VISIT YOU DOWN BY THE RIVER IN QUEST FOR A HOPEFUL SIP OF YOUR MUSCATEL:Â I
am cageless and wandering in a stupor after having lost my 7 week spot last
Sunday. I need another spot like a heroin user needs another fix or Randy
Quaid needs a place to sleep for the weekend. Is it possible for you to
check with the other animals to see if any of them would be willing to give
up their cage to me? It would be for a premium, of course. I would also
make it worth your while with a case of the finest Muscatel that I can
afford. signed, YOUR SERVANT, ICEBUBBY
DEAR BUBBY: You and any other animals are free to negotiate whatever deals
you can willingly offer and accept of each other. Seeing as how you have
never finished higher than WEEK 7, however, I would caution your exuberance
to pay a premium for your new planned cage. Don't go over $1,000. If you'd
like, for $200 I could put your name in the "stupid letters" section. ZK
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I have been out since WEEK THREE, so I am able to spend my
time contemplating matters of life on a much grander scale than the
remaining caged ones. My question to you is this: why did my college
professor make me memorize the prologue to the Canterbury Tales? You know,
that whole "whan that april" stuff? It never helped me pick up chicks and
it only frightens my children when I get drunk and recite it now. Wasn't
this an awful waste? signed DOLPHIN
DEAR DOLPHIN: Clearly, the Weekly Reports are not meant for everyone and I
think that you mistake THE ZOOKEEPER for some middle english fan rather than
the early romantic zealot and William Blake admirer that he is. I suggest
you give up on Chaucer and learn to recite "Casey at the Bat" or "The
Shooting of Dangerous Dan McGrew" for your children. They will still think
you strange, but you will find that you will get invited to many more
parties. ZK
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I have been a part of this great pool for several years and
almost made it to December one year except for that bastard from Detroit who
I hope falls asleep while driving and plunges over a cliff, but that is now
why I am writing to you. I know how you can make this pool better: you
should make people take 2 winning picks in each of the first three weeks of
the season and then change it to a "pick a loser" pool for the next four
weeks before returning to the remainder of the pool where the animals would
have to pick a visiting team who's nickname is also the name of a bird.
Also, I think that if anyone picks a tie game, they should automatically
gain entry into the final week of the season. What do you think? signed,
KENNY BOY
DEAR KENNY: You are more annoying than 50 drunks in a bar. Do you know
what I think that you should do? Well then, go do it. ZK
Â
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: The dang woodchucks keep chucking my wood and laughing at
me. It disturbs my concentration as I contemplate my picks each week. What
can be done about this? signed, LARRY LINKS
DEAR LINKS:Â THE ZOOKEEPER finds that patience will help in all situations.
That is all that he can tell you. Sorry. ZK
Â
   Hurricanes, Cyclones, Typhoons, Tsunamis, Volcanic eruptions and
earthquakes may have subsided across the planet, but here the cages remain
volatile. Time for this week's numbers:
Â
5371 OUT, 11 DQ'D, 1423 IN. 795 CHEFS, 184 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 179
COWBOYS (bastards), 77 LAMBS, 66 PATRIOTS, 52 COLTS, 26 NATIVE AMERICANS, 12
RAYDAHS, 9 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 5 CARDINALS, 5 DOLPHINS, 4 LIONS, 2 TITANS, 2
BRONCOS, 2 BENGALS, 2 BUCS, and one lone wolf JAGGYWIRE.
Â
PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS goes to the lone Jaggywire, AW AW RAMS. Here's
hoping that we do not have yet another Jaguar mauling incident, AW.
Â
   That's it for this week. Good luck to all. We're just the staff, so we
don't even know who Notre Dame plays this week and we doubt anybody cares.
Peace to you all. Out.
Â
LMS Management Staff
Â