Bill Simmons: Today’s episode of the Redraftables on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK (*editor’s note*: if Simmons, all items in all caps are said in a high pitched scream; if House, same but less high and more horny) is presented by Roman, a long time supporting sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. If you are suffering from baldness, erectile disfunction, inappropriate longing for 80s childhood actors, narcissism, looking like a ghost on TV or an inability to grow a beard, SUFFER NO MORE! Roman will provide you black market pharmaceuticals produced by underpaid employees with no health benefits in discrete packaging you can hide from your loved ones. AND NOW, my listeners can get 20% off your first purchase by entering BS in the box at the top. Roman: a digital health scam for men, by men. Also, check out our new podcast USA Streaming App Deep Dives with Mallory Rubin, Jason Concepcion and a whole cast of your Ringer favorites, where we break down every episode of your favorite USA TV Shows. THAT'S RIGHT, we are pouring through every episode of Burn Notice, Psych, Suits and many more. You can check out all of our Ringer podcasts on Spotify or Apple or wherever you get your podcasts by typing Ringer in the search box at the top. Don’t forget to subscribe. Coming up, a very bizarre Savages draft we are going to breaking down with MY FRIEND Joe House and some dude named robusk. I am Bill Simmons and this is the Redraftables. And now, an exploitive song where you can hear my son rap over some song he found on iTunes, Melatonin.
“It’s the book of basketball yall, it’s the book of basketball *REFEREE WHISTLE*”]
Simmons: All right, it is the 2020 WhatifSports Savages Redraftables with two of my favorites, Joe House and robusk. House, we have been doing real NBA drafts up to this point, this is our first fake draft. And I don’t know what we have been doing all along. I can’t tell what was crazier, the time that Matthew Modine got mounted by a horse in Vision Quest, the time that Coolidge hooked up with Salami’s mom in White Shadow season two, or this draft. This is an all time crazy draft. Some of the highlights from this draft: commissioner dh555 inexplicably blacklisting three players who aren’t even in level 37 of my pyramid, Karl Malone going over Shaquille O’Neal, Klay Thompson going in the first round of the draft, The Legend falling all the way to 14 and most importantly benhoidal selecting Hakeem Olajuwon.
House: OH NO!
Simmons: House, what the hell happened in this draft? How do we explain this to our grandchildren?
House: You got it all right podfather. Here is how I will be explaining it to my grandkids: this draft was what I like to call an unzipper. I am unzipping my pants right now.
Robusk: Um, wtf. You are on Zoom man. Why the **** are you unzipping your pants? We are talking about a fantasy draft here.
House: Oh daddy yes, fantasy indeed.
Robusk: Jesus Christ. Please do not talk to your grandkids about unzipping.
House: I do feel like at this juncture I would be remiss if I didn’t say, what a deep draft!
Robusk: Well, I mean, it is every player in NBA history, so…
House: THAT’S WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT BABY!
Simmons: I haven’t seen House this excited since we went to that topless buffet in Vegas after our famous blackjack run of 2002.
House: DADDY’S GOTTA EAT!
Simmons: So the draft goes Kareem, MJ, Karl Malone, Shaq and Chris Paul as the top five. UNBELIEVABLE. No Bill Russell, no Larry Legend, no Cowens, no Sam Jones. Already this draft is a travesty.
House: The thing that stands out to me is KARL FRIGGIN MALONE
Simmons: This is the reason that future generations won’t understand basketball. Millennials are already making the case that Karl Malone is an all time top ten player because they just look at his stats on his Basketball Reference page. I was there for the entirety of the Karl Malone experience. I watch basketball. Believe me, I know. HE WASN'T!
Robusk: Literally no one Earth is making that case. Jesus Christ Simmons. Why do you always make up these fake arguments people are making just to enable you to restate the same points that everyone already makes?
Simmons: Drunk robusk getting feisty! Look, I know what the stats say. But I actually watch basketball.
Robusk: One, what the **** are you talking about? Two, NO ONE IS MAKING THAT CASE.
Simmons: I wrote a 700 page book. I AM ON THE RECORD. The rest of the top fifteen were Durant, Dwight Howard –
House: What in the effing –
Simmons: Stockton, David Robinson, Moses Malone, Charles Barkley, James Harden –
House: Basketball perverts!
Simmons: DeAndre Jordan, Larry Legend and Artis Gilmore.
House: Larry Legend falling to 14 is an absolute disgrace. All apologies to DeAndre Jordan but that is a MOTHER F’ING DISGRACE!
Robusk: You realize this is basketball simulation and not real life, right?
Simmons: See, this is what Jalen and I always talk about. We both played basketball. These stat nerds don’t understand the secret.
Robusk: Again…
Simmons: The rest of the first round went Duncan, Magic, Garnett, Giannis –
House: He doesn’t even have five seasons!
Robusk: Okay, so you do understand then…
Simmons: Look, I have looked at the stats. Giannis is Shaq.
Robusk: Wut?
Simmons: He is 2020 Shaq.
Robusk: I mean, I guess he scores in the paint? But like he isn’t a post-up player, he is a switchable defender… like what about the statistical profile says he is Shaq?
Simmons: I look at the stats. I understand most of them. But I also watch basketball.
Robusk: But you just said that the stats say he is Shaq? What about watching Giannis makes you think he is Shaq?
Simmons: Just think about it like this, the stats say Jaylen Brown is Paul George.
Robusk: What the **** does that have to do with Shaq and Giannis? And also, outside of the fact that they were both mediocre in their first season, how in the ever loving **** is Jaylen Brown Paul George?
Simmons: I WATCH BASKETBALL!
Robusk: This one is really going off the rails.
Simmons: After Giannis, it was Pippen, Rodman, Anthony Davis, Klay Thompson and Hakeem. House, this is really when it felt like analytics took over drafting –
Robusk: Wait, I thought we covered –
House: Sure. We are also seeing a recency bias in these drafts. Oscar, Russell, Dr. J, Bill Walton. All those guys should be getting selected over Harden, Klay, Dwight.
Simmons: I first wrote about the atrocious GM summit in 2007 and I think it is time to start adding some new names to the list. These picks make no sense. I’m sorry, if Bill Russell isn’t picked in the first round of an all time NBA list, then these GMs are out of their minds. That is like making a list of 80’s actresses that thirteen year old Bill Simmons used to think about in the shower and excluding Mia Sara.
Robusk: Come the **** on man.
House: HOSE ME DOWN!
Simmons: This was INSANE in the MOMENT!
Robusk: Actually, his defense and shooting is pretty –
Simmons: INSANE! The other thing was the unintentional comedy in this draft. Dh555 creating the league then magically getting the number one pick –
Robusk: Well, dBKC ran the lottery –
House: BOTH THEIR NAMES BEGIN WITH D!
Simmons: Karl Malone absolutely bewildered being picked at number three then looking like he is in a hostage video while he puts on the bds9992 hat –
Robusk: You know what, Karl Malone impregnated a 13 year old girl. **** that guy.
Simmons: This is why you can’t compare eras –
Robusk: Wut?
Simmons: kinoa1 just beside himself as Shaq falls to number four. Charles Barkley lasting all the way to number eleven while pexetera is foaming at the mouth. Robusk lecturing everyone about analytics only to then draft someone who fouls out every third game. Really an all timer. It was like the episode of 90210 when Dylan starts drinking again.
Robusk: Even when these references were not dated, they were so untopical. The Venn diagram of people who like the NBA and 90210 is just two circles.
Simmons: This is why millennials are the too much, too soon era.
Robusk: I am not even a millennial.
Simmons: I talked about this when I had Obama on the pod –
Robusk: Oh jesus.
House: I voted for him twice. I would have voted for him a third time!
Robusk: Don’t you think it is a little disingenuous for you to pretend to be this woke liberal while you have dog whistlers like Russillo and Carolla on here constantly plus you are doing everything in your power to not recognize the Ringer Union?
Simmons: I’m sorry, but I have to live in the real world.
Robusk: Cool, so when you worked for ESPN you could buck the leadership as much as you wanted without impunity but now that you are the boss everyone has to fall in line? And House, aren’t you’re a union pension lawyer and advocate in your day job?
*House and Simmons both sit in silence*
Simmons: Okay, so who wants the first pick?
Robusk: Well, I actually participated in this draft –
House: Has to be the podfather himself!
Simmons: That’s right. I have to take the first pick in the draft. We are only going to re-draft the first 12 picks in this draft because otherwise this could go all day. So, look, I know this is controversial, MJ is the GOAT. But there are only 24 teams in this league so I am going with the man who is used to dominating a smaller league, Bill Russell!
House: Unquestionably that is the right pick.
Robusk: Unquestionably? Are you insane?
Simmons: Look, I know the stats don’t back it up but I played basketball.
Robusk: THIS IS A STATISTICAL SIMULATION!
Simmons: The point of this league is to try and win a championship in five different leagues. Well, guess what. Russell won 11 times. That is twice as many rings.
Robusk: *exasperated, face in hands*
Simmons: He is the ultimate winner. The leadership he brings to the team alone is worth at least 3 rings. I am getting an elite defender, a top five all time rebounder, he can score on the break –
Robusk: Well, actually –
House: Plus, he will absolutely shut down Wilt.
Robusk: But –
Simmons: The point isn’t who has the best stats, it is who is the best winner. And I got the best winner.
House: That’s a great pick. For me, with pick number two, it’s a no-brainer. It is Michael effing Jordan. The GOAT! I don’t care that he doesn’t shoot threes, he is the most potent offensive player in the game –
Robusk: Honestly, I am not sure he is in the top five in WiS –
House: Just the effect he will have on team practices alone –
Robusk: ?
House: I watched the doc, I know what kind of dog he is. I want a team of dogs. RUFF RUFF!
Simmons: I also had him at number two on my board. I had to go with the bigger winner but Jordan’s career in unassailable. You could put him in the game today, with today’s rules and he would average 73 points per game.
House: Without a doubt.
Simmons: He would be like Dr. J in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.
Robusk: This is pure idiocy.
Simmons: Okay robusk, with the third pick, who are you taking?
Robusk: Well, I don’t know what the **** you two are thinking but I think Kareem is the move here. You could make a case for Shaq but just the sheer volume alone here, with just constant scoring, rebounding, shot blocking, doing it all, Kareem is such good value at this spot.
House: Whaaaaaaaaaat?
Simmons: I gotta be honest, I think that is a terrible pick. Believe me, I went to the games. No one enjoyed watching Kareem play. I never knew a single Kareem fan. He had no personality.
Robusk: Okay, but that is not the point of this exercise.
Simmons: You see, the secret to basketball is that it isn’t about basketball.
Robusk: Oh come the **** on man.
Simmons: Which is exactly why for the fourth pick I take Larry Legend.
House: Excellent pick. Larry Legend is a BON-A-FIDE sex kitten!
Robusk: He’s a what?
Simmons: The 86 Celtics were the best team of all time and the Legend was the best player on that team. One time Larry shot left handed. He also had so many clutch moments even though all he did was drink beer with Ricky Robey. He is basically LeBron with Steph Curry range in today’s game.
Robusk: That is really… I don’t even know what to say to that take. Who does he guard?
Simmons: If you can shut down Kelly Tripucka, you can shut down anyone. Plus he is the greatest passer of all time!
Robusk: By what possible metric can that be true?
Simmons: I was at the games. He would pass the ball and then other people would also pass the ball.
House: YOU TELL ‘EM PODFATHER!
Robusk: Honestly, unless he figured out how to play center, I am not even sure he starts for a number of teams in today’s NBA.
Simmons: Look, I saw the games.
Robusk: So did I! My very first memory was an early 80s Celtics championship and my mom going nuts for what I can only suspect was closeted racism.
Simmons: How dare you. Boston has no history of racism whatsoever.
House: With the fifth pick, we have to go with Magic.
Simmons: I had him second on my board.
Robusk: I thought Jordan was second on your board?
Simmons: I did a year of TV with Magic and I learned so much about the games.
Robusk: Isn’t he a legendarily bad TV guy? Also, aren’t you?
Simmons: Yeah, but the cameras were off we were just able to talk ball.
Robusk: What could you possibly have contributed to that conversation? And given his tweets and GMing, I am not sure he contributed much either.
Simmons: I played basketball too! It was really, just the basketball guys knows the other basketball guys.
Robusk: That isn’t an answer.
House: Listen to Magic’s career advanced stats: 19.5 PPG, 7.2 RPG, 11.2 APG, 1.9 SPG, .4 BPG. TALK ABOUT ADVANCED BABY!
Robusk: Um, those are just per game stats my dude.
House: 11th all time in GTPTORP!
Robusk: You just made that up.
House: GAME TIME PARTY TIME ABOVE REPLACEMENT BABY!
Simmons: How many members of the 19/7/11/1.8/.3 club do you think there are?
Robusk: I can make any club exclusive just be fitting the question I want to the data. That is stupid.
Simmons: The point is, it is exclusive. If you are in that club, you are pretty special.
House: LIKE THE GOLD CLUB!
Robusk: All right, have another bloody mary big guy.
Simmons: Robusk, you are up for pick number six.
Robusk: Why even bother. You two are such blowhards. Shaq. He is the second best player in this format. He scores, he is efficient, solid defense and rebounds, he has a million seasons you can use. No other choice.
Simmons: You forgot uses the season to play himself into shape, demands the offense runs through him, only tries in the playoffs.
House: Yes indeed.
Simmons: The ceiling of Shaq was as the second best player of all time but he was happy just being top twenty. He was like the kid who got a 3.5 and had fun doing it versus the kid who got a 4.0.
Robusk: Again with this tired *** trope. Shaq was a multiple finals MVP with 4 rings man.
Simmons: Sure, but Russell had 11. With the 7th pick, we will be taking John Havlicek.
House: Amazing pick.
Simmons: I know I am getting 40 minutes, 20 points, 4 assists and 6 rebounds a night. I know I am getting defense, someone who knows how to win, someone who can score in the clutch. Look, Hondo came into the league, joined a dynasty, finished that one, and started a new one. How many players in NBA history can say that?
Robusk: The second iteration only won two in three years. How is that a dynasty?
Simmons: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! That is the fourth best dynasty in NBA history behind the 60s Celtics, the 80s Celtics and the 00s Celtics.
Robusk: The 00s Celtics only won one championship. They aren’t even an important team in NBA history. Are the 04 Pistons a dynasty?
Simmons: The Celtics went to two Finals in three years!
Robusk: The Pistons went to back to back finals and six conference championships in a row.
Simmons: The Celtics had KG and invented the Big Three and changed basketball –
Robusk: Just ******* kill me now…
House: Hondo was a mother effing DOG!
Robusk: Honestly, he kind of sucks.
Simmons: I don’t know what to tell you House. I like winners.
House: With the 8th pick, I am going with Wilt Chamberlain. I know he doesn’t have the rings of other players, but I know I can use his first five seasons in the league and never get less than 36.9 PPG.
Robusk: Those are honestly five of his worst seasons to use. ALSO HE IS BLACKLISTED FROM THIS DRAFT YOU ******* TOOL!
House: I don’t know where you are from, but here in the DMV we know that a 40 and 25 is nothing to sneeze at.
Simmons: Honestly, I had him second overall on my board.
Robusk: Seriously? **** you Simmons.
Simmons: Classic case of he was drafted in the wrong era. If he would have been drafted in the early 90’s, he might have had a few more rings.
House: AND A FEW MORE STD’S!
Simmons: Legendary stickman.
Robusk: C’mon… this is a fantasy draft. Let’s just move on. I am up for number nine. I think in my initial draft board I had Durant third but I have realized that board might have been a little flawed. I think I might go Karl Malone here. I don’t love Malone, but I know I have 10 seasons of 70+ D, 52+ eFG, great rebounding, above average assists and solid rebounding. He is going to fill up the box score and give me a ton of minutes.
Simmons: Karl Malone going in the top ten is a travesty. I know in the nerd world that you are a part of he might be amazing, but he came up short constantly for a reason.
Robusk: Um, I might be reasonably intelligent but not a lot about my life spells out nerd. Is that just a generic term for anyone who talks about stuff you can’t understand?
Simmons: NERD!
House: I have to agree with the OG Podfather himself here!
Simmons: If you want to be 45 and 27 every year and never win a championship. So be it.
Robusk: Honestly, given how my teams turned out, I might take that.
Simmons: We gotta speed it up here guys. Nephew Kyle is going into vape withdrawals and needs me to drop him off at the Dark Room.
Nephew Kyle: Check out my Soundcloud
Simmons: With pick number ten, I am going with Bill Walton.
Robusk: Look, I am a Blazer fan, I love Bill Walton, and I can tell you that pick is stupid.
Simmons: Two-time champion, best college basketball player of all time, member of the 86 Celtics. Best passing big man of all time.
Robusk: I mean, he was good but is he even in the top fifteen passing big men?
Simmons: Legendary chemistry guy.
Robusk: THIS IS A STATS SIMULATION.
House: Great pick. I think next I am going to go with Tim Duncan.
Robusk: Honestly, not terrible. I mean I don’t love the pick. He has a lot of below average shooting seasons, but he does everything else well and I mean, it is better than any Simmons pick at this point.
House: The guy won championships across multiple eras of the NBA, with completely different teammates. He beat the 90s Knicks for his first championship and the 2014 Heat for his last. Those were completely different eras of basketball and Duncan excelled in them both.
Robusk: That is irrelevant to this exercise but a pretty good point nonetheless.
Simmons: I had him second overall on my board. He is the best power forward of all time.
Robusk: One, **** you. Two, how are you even defining power forward?
Simmons: Like a nerd, I know it when I see it.
Robusk: Okay, I think at 12 I gotta go Chris Paul. Anyone of Dwight, Durant, Barkley could fit in well here. Each bring a ton to the table but each one has a minor wort. Chris Paul has none. His minutes could stand to be a touch higher but they aren’t as much of an issue as Durant. Plus, I think there is not nearly as much PG depth as there are perimeter guys or big men. But I think you could make the case for any one of those guys here.
Simmons: Look, I don’t want the aggregators to paint me as a Chris Paul hater, but he never even made an NBA Finals. How he gets taken over someone like Bob Cousy just shows me that you don’t know basketball.
Robusk: Cousy couldn’t dribble with his left hand and started at the ball when he dribbled for ***** sake. *robusk rips off his mic and storms off in a rage*
Simmons: Lots of amazing talent left on the board, Dave Cowens, Sam Jones, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish, Gerald Henderson.
House: Don’t forget Wes Unseld!
Simmons: This was such a fun draft, we could do this same draft again next season. Honestly, we could have done twelve rounds of this but we gotta save some content for another pod. House, you are a busy man, I gotta let you go. Robusk, I don’t know where he went. Thanks for listening, don’t forget to check out all the Ringer podcasts on the RINGER POCAST NETWORK. Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnn!
7/1/2020 6:35 PM (edited)