North Hollywood - "****, why can't I see the free agent list yet?" hollered the notoriously impatient NHN GM Brain minutes after the thrilling Game 3 of the GHL Final. "I've got ******* work to do! I need a goalie, a defensemen and a forward just to fill out the roster we're going into the season with, not to mention hoping to upgrade some of the deadweight that's gotten us two years without a Cup."
NHN released G Richie McCord, coming off a 14 shutout regular season, after he was torched in relief of NHN mainstay Duane 'Money' Muhlstein while eventual Champion STLBLUEZ completed the sweep of NHN in the 2nd round. "******* Muhlstein's been horseshit the last two years, we need to get someone in here that's going to press him and either get his *** back to playing like he did Seasons 3-7, or take his damned job. McCord, for all the shutouts he got playing against Catholic schools, wasn't gonna be that guy. Muhlstein still played against everyone that wasn't on the rag."
The NHN GM also purged three forwards and three defensemen following their playoff exit. "******* Iseli and ******* Zarebski couldn't get around the rink without their ******* walkers anymore. The only place that **** goes in this league is Salisbury. Their contracts were up anyhow, and Zigich is gonna come in here wanting a ******* fortune, and he's gonna get it, too. Glazer had been around forever, and he was what he was. He could get you through a game, but he wasn't ever going to be a player. Yafuso, we gave every opportunity, and he was a good kid, but he wouldn't go in the weight room if you told him there was ***** in there. 82 STR in the Superleague gives you a drug problem. ******* ******* like Orosco and Columbres drug his *** to the net on their way to scoring on ******* Muhlstein. Cannone just got old, and got his job taken. Petrov is a ***** that'll knock you on your *** the way Cannone used to, and Petrov can move the damn puck. Rummel, I think spent his year here smoking spliff. He damned sure didn't turn any of that potential into anything that was any good to anybody.
When asked about the draft tomorrow morning, the NHN GM yelled "How the **** should I know who were going to get? That mangy-assed dog running Bug Squashers picks ahead of us. All I know is we're taking a skater, I don't know if he's gonna be worth a **** or not. Maybe he'll be one of the additions we need, maybe he won't. If he don't show up in some kinda shape, I'll cut his *** straight away and go buy someone who is."
The NHN GM said he's got his hands full with retaining the club's own free agents. "I got Zigich and Muhlstein that need new deals before the end of Season 10. They're gonna get paid. Jollie is up too after '10. He ain't worth a damn, but he's got too much talent to ship outta here. Sure as ****, if I cut him, he'll actually do some ******* cardio, get his stamina up to where he can actually play a few minutes and score 40 for some other ******. Petrov, Tarasov, I haven't got a problem with those Russkies, they play their ***** off. Mussell has kinda been here, and he is what he is. Look at how guys like Roarty, Tarasov, and Peckenpaugh flew past him up the depth chart. He's a 4th liner who can chip in some goals. He don't scare anybody, but he earns a paycheck. He'll never be anything more."
When asked what he'd like to address in free agency, the GM rolled his eyes and said "Can you read a ******* stat sheet or roster? I just walked away from 48 goals. I need someone who can put the ******* biscuit in the ******* basket. I don't go into a year with less than eight defensemen, and right now I only got seven provided we don't move one up front. I'll definitely sign at least one forward and at least one defenseman. If I ever get to see who's on the ******* list."
7/8/2011 12:04 AM (edited)