[9:30-14:30]
“Savages” by Paul Weller starts playing and the interview fades to black.
Narrator: “Two top owners were notably missing from the top of the leaderboards. robusk and ashamael had proven to be two of the best owners in sim history, however for both superstars, something was wrong from the start.”
The scene opens to a picture of a scoreboard. There’s just under 2 minutes left and the home team, the Ashavage Slim Jims, are losing 134-112 to the Owls. The camera pans down to the court where Boban Marjanovich is seen dunking over Elton Brand, and then over to the Slim Jims’ bench. There we can see ashamael pacing up and down the bench tearing out his own hair and screaming. The scene fades out and we see an irate ashamael giving a post-game interview to Doris Burke: “Apparently clean basketball is no longer the winning formula. Just get efg%, def, and boards and **** everything else! These kids with their jazz music and ambien!”
The image fades and is replaced by a studio set. On one side of the room, you have Zach Lowe, and on the other, you have ashamael. Perhaps due to a chip on his shoulder from his slow start, Ash is sporting all 84 of his championship rings for the interview. Zach is caught whispering “You know this is a podcast, right?” The show starts with some blatant ad placements from Zach and then some hard-hitting interview questions. Zach seems to be having a good time. ashamael does not.
Zach Lowe: “Alright Ash, I have a note written down here from when I interviewed dBKC. He said, and I quote, ‘I am absolutely terrified of season 2 ashamael… I feel like LeBradford Smith after embarrassing Mike… payback is coming.’”
ashamael looks up with a smirk, but there is no warmth behind it. “You do your homework don’t you? That was June 28th. Afternoon games. 1:53pm. Eastern time zone, of course. It was in World 1 and his Mambo team came to my Bonesaws arena. Whole game, dB and James Harden are complaining to the refs. Meanwhile Mourning is throwing ‘bows left and right. The only one classy on that entire team was Jerry West. That Mother F*cker dropped 30 points in 32 minutes. Anyways, after the game, dB has the gall to sitemail me ‘Good game, Ash.” ashamael shakes his head. The smirk leaves his face and he looks Zach Lowe dead in the eye. “That’s all it takes. He isn’t beating me once in season 2.”
We fade into a locker room scene where ashamael and his team are sitting around staring blankly at each other. Doris Burke has just asked ashamael how he pumps up his team for a big matchup in World 2 against robusk. ashamael continues to stare absently ahead and says, “Another 0-5 day yesterday. Hard to maintain interest when you’re below .500 overall.” The camera retreats out of the locker room and closes the door. The camera pauses for a moment on the inscription on the door. It reads, ‘The Phoenix will rise from the ashes.’ The initial inscription is crossed out and someone has carved, ‘There is no Phoenix, just ash’ into the wooden door.
The camera swivels around and we enter another door at the end of the hall with a visitor's locker room sign on it. We see Craig Sager interviewing robusk, asking him about how the season is going so far. robusk is still wearing his draft day ‘Neo’ outfit and looks a little peeved to be taken away from his algorithms. “Well, I’m pretty annoyed that a guy who drafted a **** ton of turnovers, fouls, and so few threes is dominating this thing while I’m below the middle at 15.” He then seems to take a deep, reflective pause before asking aloud: “Are my algorithms out of touch?....No, it’s the winning teams who are wrong.”
The video image starts to fast forward at x64 speed through the pregame warm-ups and through most of the game. It periodically resumes normal speed for some key highlights before resuming the sped up pace. We see Oscar Robertson, the only player in black and white, with his hands on his knees, panting, before getting an inbounds pass, going coast-to-coast, and laying it in over Grant Hill. We see Kawhi Leonard grab an errant pass with one hand, blowing by his defender before coming to a textbook jump stop, and finishing a layup.
Narrator: “In what may have been the greatest meaningless game in the history of simleague basketball, robusk and ashamael battled each other through five overtimes. Oscar Robertson played a SAVAGE record 71 minutes. Artis Gilmore played 68. ashamael only played 8 guys, and it would have been 6 had Glen Rice and Elton Brand not fouled out. Ten players scored at least 24 points. Both owners knew it was pointless. Knew that neither one had a shot at the SAVAGE crown anymore. But they kept fighting anyways, giving it everything they had, never bowing down or giving up. It was like they wanted to give their fans one last show of their immortality. They wanted to give their players one last look at what should have been. More than anything, they wanted to prove to themselves that they still had it, that this league was a fluke.”
The video finally pauses on the scoreboard. There is 28 seconds left in the fifth overtime period. The score is 204-203, advantage ashamael, but Oscar Robertson has just turned it over on a carry. We hear him complaining to the refs, “You let all these modern players palm the ball every single possession and you are gonna call that???” Eric Bledsoe brings the ball up the court and coach robusk calls one final play. Bledsoe stalls out the shot clock, and then comes off a screen from Artis Gilmore. The defense rotates, but leaves Kawhi Leonard open on the right side. Bledsoe threads the pass and Kawhi hits the open jumpshot. The camera pans to the scoreboard where there is now 8 seconds left and the score is 205-204, advantage robusk. We pan over to the benches where robusk is celebrating with his guys as ashamael is strangling Glen Rice on the other side. We pan back to the court where Baron Davis is sprinting with the ball towards the other hoop. As time runs out, he floats a jumper up and over the outstretched arm of Al Horford. It drops in and the crowd goes wild, before Tim Donaghy flies in waving the play off. robusk’s team has won and the camera catches robusk’s players dumping Gatorade on his head. robusk starts off elated, but becomes horrified as he realizes the Gatorade has splashed all over his computers. Charles Barkley announces “It’s full of elecalytes.” Ernie Johnson replies, “I think it’s Electro, Chuck.” Charles says, “Right, cause it’s a computer.” ashamael is now strangling Tim Donaghy.
Narrator: “The play went to the league office for review, and with the whole stadium holding their breaths, the call was made.”
A red-necked Tim Donaghy is seen walking to center court. ashamael is standing right behind Baron Davis with his hands ominously outstretched. We see Donaghy raise his hand, and bring it down, signaling the basket is good. robusk is seen trying to fan off his computers, oblivious to the call. Ash is seen slyly slipping Tim Donaghy a WIS eGift Certificate. Confetti falls from the ceiling and as our image fades out, the last thing we see is the scoreboard: 206-205, advantage ashamael, 5 overtimes. Screen fades to the league standings, where ashamael moves into 12th place and robusk drops to 16th.