1st Round
A cackling sound emits somewhere from a microphone, followed by two quick thumps and a high-pitched nasally voice saying, “Testing, testing…”
A computer screen turns on and we are suddenly in the middle of a zoom chat between Bill Simmons, Joe House, and benhoidal. Bill is wearing a grey hoodie with a ‘Teen Wolf’ t-shirt under it. He has an extremely patchy beard that looks like it has taken him two years to grow. House is wearing a wife beater with holes in it and barbeque stains. benhoidal seems to be the only one who knows they are on camera and is looking at the other two with a distasteful look.
Bill Simmons leans into his microphone. “Today’s episode of the ‘Are We Sure He’s Good?’ podcast, on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK is presented by Roman, a long time supporting sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. If you are suffering from baldness, erectile dysfunction, inappropriate longing for 80s childhood actors, narcissism, looking like a ghost on TV or an inability to grow a beard, SUFFER NO MORE! Roman will provide you black market pharmaceuticals produced by underpaid employees with no health benefits in discreet packaging you can hide from your loved ones. AND NOW, my listeners can get 20% off your first purchase by entering BS in the box at the top. Roman: a digital health scam for men, by men. Also, check out our brand new podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK, all hosted by our white employees who have personal connections to me. Ryen Russillo talks about his adventures in Wyoming in ‘Naked Camping’, Nephew Kyle opens up about how to make it in the entertainment world in ‘A Guide to Nepotism’, and our very own Joe House gets another podcast titled, ‘Bill and Joe’s Frathouse Adventures’. You can check out all of our Ringer podcasts on Spotify or Apple or wherever you get your podcasts by typing Ringer in the search box at the top. Don’t forget to subscribe. Coming up, a very special edition of our ‘Are We Sure He Is Good?’ podcast with MY FRIEND Joe House and benhoidal, a nerd from a website I used to promote, but quit because I never won. I am Bill Simmons and this is the Book of Basketball. And now, an exploitative song where you can hear my son rap over some song he found on iTunes.”
“It’s the book of basketball yall, it’s the book of basketball” *REFEREE WHISTLE*
Bill Simmons: “Years ago, when I could still write and had my old site, my buddy Gus told me about a website called WhatIFSports. It advertises as the most advanced and comprehensive basketball simulator around. My first reaction was, ‘Whaaaat?! Does Bill Russell break the sim engine?’ But even though the SIM doesn’t value Boston players nearly as much as it should, as soon as I found out that I could create a team with all of my favorite Celtics players from the 70's and 80's, then see their box scores every game, I was hooked. Even wrote a magazine column about it once. It's more addictive than a hot blackjack table in Vegas at 3 am. Now, twenty years later, we are talking all about the longest running draft league in simleague basketball, the Original Draft League. It just finished it’s first round of drafting, and wow were there some head scratching picks. I mean, Bill Russell is somehow still available! The second best player of all time and no one’s drafted him yet!”
Joe House: “What are these nerds thinking?”
Bill Simmons: “Reminds me of when Paul Pierce fell to the Celtics. Everyone knew he should have gone top 2, but he just kept falling for no reason. I remember my dad calling me saying ‘Who is Dilk Nobissi? I want Felipe Lopez. That guy plays winning basketball!’
benhoidal: “Russell’s best season has a 43.3 EFG%.”
Bill Simmons: “That’s a made up stat. I got a stat for you: wins.”
Joe House: “Yeah it’s all about the advanced stats: points per game, rebounds per game, killer instinct.”
benhoidal: “You know those aren’t adv…”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly. I mean I watch basketball and I understand the secret. Isiah Thomas told it to me at a topless pool in Vegas. I don’t need a geek on a computer to tell me what’s important.”
benhoidal: “I really wouldn’t call myself a ge…”
Bill Simmons: “Okay, this is how this works. I say someone’s name and then I ask you, ‘Are we sure he is good?’ and then you answer if he is good or not.”
Joe House: “Could you explain that one more time?”
Bill Simmons: “No. So the first guy here is obviously Wilt Chamberlain. Wasn’t as good as Russell when they played and everyone knew it. It’s only lately as his points per game records have started to seem unbreakable that people have started to over inflate how good he actually was. There are so many better ways to evaluate players than just looking at points per game.”
Joe House: “Exactly!”
benhoidal: “House, you literally just listed points per game as an important advanced stat.”
Bill Simmons: “tau1624 takes him 4th overall! 4th! I get why dh555 took LeBron, even if I would have taken Michael or Russell in that spot. I get why 24kpyrite took Curry, and I even get why sappy took Kareem. Not what I would have done, but I get it. But what in the world is tau1624 doing taking Wilt 4th?! With Jordan and Russell still on the board!”
Joe House: “Unbelievable! Basketball perversion!”
benhoidal: “Wilt was a great pick there. He’s a top three player in the SIM by any metric.”
Bill Simmons: “I mean, I watch basketball. All these millennials nowadays are just looking up basketball reference stats and trying to tell me that Wilt frickin Chamberlain should have been a top 4 pick in an all-time draft? Just watch basketball and you’d know he just doesn’t have the killer mentality of Russell or someone like Kobe.”
Joe House: “That’s a real advanced stat!”
benhoidal: “You guys know this is a computer simulation, right? A lot of these stats the engine uses are exactly the same as the ones on basketball reference.”
Bill Simmons: “Alright, so I have to ask. House, benhoidal, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”
Joe House: “No! In fact, I am sure he isn’t good! Look, millennials nowadays just don’t know basketball like you do Podfather!”
benhoidal: “You guys realize that Wilt has one of the best seasons in the SIM right? 68.3 efg% on 2 points of usage. Insane rebounding and assists. And he has 83 D with incredibly low fouls.”
Bill Simmons: “Yeah, but those are regular season numbers. Wilt is like James Harden. He’s just not going to put up the same eye-popping stats in the playoffs!”
Joe House: “Yeah, no killer instinct!”
benhoidal: “You guys realize the sim uses the exact same stats for the regular season and playoffs right?”
Bill Simmons: “I don’t know. My friend all3 tells me that admin changes the engine during the playoffs to add more randomness.”
benhoidal: “As a general rule, whatever all3 tells you, believe the exact opposite. Whether that’s basketball or real life, the rule always applies.”
Bill Simmons: “Okay, well since we are all in agreement that Wilt is not good, let’s move on!”
benhoidal: “Wait, when did we agree? Wilt is clearly a top three player!”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly. We all agree. Wilt is not good. benhoidal, do you have anyone you want to nominate?”
benhoidal: “Yes actually. Thank you Bill. The new 20-21 seasons just dropped and everyone has been eying the new Jokic season. Almost 30 usage, 60+ efg%, decent rebounding, and incredible passing. Everyone knew someone was going to grab him too early, but twelfth? The typical top eleven go mostly chalk with a few players rising or falling a couple spots more than usual, but after that there’s usually some debate on who goes next. This season it was Jokic. So we have to ask, is this way too early for him? Are we sure he’s this good?”
Bill Simmons: “What do you think House?”
Joe House: “He just doesn’t produce every night. Triple double one night. Four field goal attempts the next. The best players bring their A game every night. He’s just not on that level.”
Bill Simmons: “Look, the last podcast I did was titled, ‘A Full Fledged Jokic-gasm.’ I love the Joker, or as I call him, the Harsh Marshmallow.”
Joe House: “Wow. I love that name Podfather! I’ve always thought he was really good.”
Bill Simmons: “Right? I love the Harsh Marshmallow. But over Bird? As long as we’re drafting a white guy, it’s got to be 86 Bird right? That 86 Celtics team is still the best team I’ve ever seen.”
benhoidal: “I’d draft Bird over him too, but why are we limited to white guys? Also, Bird has three better seasons than 86.”
Joe House: “I think I’d take Dirk over Jokic too.”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly. Bird, McHale, Dirk, Bill Walton. Dave Cowens, John Havlicek. All those guys are better than Jokic.”
Joe House: “What about Tommy Heinson?”
Bill Simmons: “Oh yeah, forgot about Tommy Gun! Definitely him too.”
benhoidal: “Okay, this is going a little too far. I mean twelfth was a bit ridiculous, but he’s still a high second rounder at least.”
Bill Simmons: “Look, I like Jokic. I think I’m higher than him than most people and I might even slide him into the back end of my Pyramid rankings, even if Curry is the real MVP this season. I’d draft him in the fourth or fifth round.”
benhoidal: “That would be the lowest he has ever gone. So, you have him lower than everybody.”
Bill Simmons: “No, most people are still underrating him. I probably have him in the top 100 on my big board.”
benhoidal: “He just went twelfth.”
Bill Simmons: “Alright, House, benhoidal, are we sure Jokic is good?”
Joe House: “Yes! He’s the Harsh Marshmallow!”
Bill Simmons: “Exactly. I still would have drafted Bird or McHale. Maybe Havlicek.”
Joe House: “Tommy Gun!”
Bill Simmons: “So yes, he’s good. Just not twelfth. ben, what do you think?”
benhoidal: “I mean I have twenty-two players who I think are definitely better than Jokic. It’s not a good pick at twelve. Really makes you focus on defense and rebounding for the rest of the draft. But, Jokic is still really good at some incredibly important things. He’s good. Not twelfth good, but definitely good.”
Bill Simmons: “Alright, well the next two guys just have to be Rudy Gobert and James Harden. Let’s start with Gobert.”
Joe House: “Rudy Gobert isn’t even a top 15 guy in the league right now! What is jackedjamie thinking?!”
benhoidal: “That was actually a good pick. He’s pretty clearly in the 13-18 range for me. I definitely would have taken Anthony Davis over him, but Gobert is awesome.”
Bill Simmons: “Larry Bird is still available!”
benhoidal: “Bird would have been a fine pick there too. Big guys have a little more value in the first round though than wings.”
Bill Simmons: “When Dwight Howard, Karl Malone, and Rudy FRIGGIN Gobert go before Larry Bird, you know the GMs don’t know what they are doing.”
Joe House: “Hey Podfather? You should put together a new Atrocious GM Summit like you did in your old column, but do it for WIS users!”
Bill Simmons: “Well, jackedjamie would definitely be in that summit after picking Gobert.”
benhoidal: “jackedjamie just had the second best record in the league with 55 wins.”
Bill Simmons: “Gotta be honest ben, after picking Dwight 8th, you might be joining him. Dwight is the least fun NBA player since Joe Barry Carroll. Didn’t you trade up for that pick?”
benhoidal: “Yes.”
Joe House: “Throw him in the summit, Podfather!”
Bill Simmons: “Yeah, sorry. That’s just inexcusable. You’re attending the Summit. Alright, let’s move on to Harden. If you want a point guard that badly, why not just take Magic? Bird or Russell would have been better, but Magic would have been a great pick! I did TV with him!”
benhoidal: “I’m a little lower on Harden than some on here, but he’s still a first round pick. Definitely a better pick than Magic.”
Joe House: “Did you just say James Harden is better than Magic Johnson?”
benhoidal: “Look this isn’t real life. It’s just numbers on a computer screen. Names don’t matter, and Harden has better stats than Magic.”
Joe House: “I have no idea what you just said.”
Bill Simmons: “Those must be regular season stats. Harden falls apart in the playoffs.”
benhoidal: “They are regular season stats, but WIS uses the same regular season stats for the regular season and the playoffs. So Harden will have the same stats in the playoffs as he does in the regular season.”
Bill Simmons: “Hmm, I still think he’s going to choke in the clutch. Alright, House, benhoidal, is James Harden good?”
benhoidal: “Obviously.”
Joe House: “I heard you don’t ever reach your real life free throw attempts in the SIM?”
benhoidal: “Well yeah, but…”
Bill Simmons: “So we all agree, James Harden is NOT good. Alright House, the last one’s yours. Who do you want to talk about?”
Joe House: “I want to talk more about Dwight Howard! I know we’ve gone down the draft a bit, but I want to go back and talk about that terrible eighth pick!”
benhoidal: “Who would you have taken there?”
Joe House: “Kobe. I need that Mamba Mentality.”
Bill Simmons: “How was Kobe not a first rounder?! Look, I spent twenty years rooting against him, and even I have to admit he deserves to go in the first round.”
benhoidal: “Have you seen Kobe’s stats? He’s…”
Bill Simmons: “I still can’t believe Russell is still just sitting there. Twenty-four WIS GMs and not one of them takes the second best player ever? Maybe they all need to go to the Atrocious GM Summit?”
Joe House: “Send them, Podfather!”
Bill Simmons: “Okay, okay. They all deserve to be at the Summit. Getting back to Dwight. ben, please tell me what was going through your head when you made this giant mistake.”
benhoidal: “Well I traded up hoping one of my top six would fall. I knew booda would come through for me, but I needed one more. We get to the sixth pick and Giannis, Dwight, and Shaq are all just sitting there. Would have loved any of them.”
Bill Simmons: “Shaq was like me in college. Could have gotten that 4.0, but had fun and got a 3.3 instead.”
benhoidal: “What?”
Bill Simmons: “I see why you wanted Shaq. He’s criminally underrated. I have him ranked 15th.”
benhoidal: “No one else in the world rates him that low. If he’s underrated, it’s you who is underrating him.”
Bill Simmons: “I can even kind of see why you want Giannis. He’s never going to come through for you in the big moments, but he’s at least going to get you there.”
benhoidal: “I’m not even sure what that means.”
Bill Simmons: “But Dwight Howard? Dwight was always destined to become the next great center, but never lived up to his potential.”
benhoidal: “Do you still think this is real life? It’s a computer simulation.”
Bill Simmons: “So we all agree, Dwight is NOT good.”
Joe House: “We all agree.”
benhoidal: “We do n…”
Bill Simmons: “Alright, well that was the ‘Are We Sure He’s Good?’ podcast for the Book of Basketball 2.0 pod. I liked it. I still can’t believe Bill Russell hasn’t been drafted yet. All three of us came to the conclusion that Wilt Chamberlain, Rudy Gobert, James Harden, and Dwight Howard are in fact NOT good, the Harsh Marshmallow is okay, and benhoidal deserves to be in the Atrocious GM Summit. Thanks for listening, don’t forget to check out all the Ringer podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK.”