More to come...
Episode 2: The Ballad of Seble and the Monkee
Episode opens: (intercut graphic (old west lettering): “The Ballad of Seble and the Monkee”
The sounds of a six shooter going off as in a duel, shot opens on a computer screen, hands typing feverishly... (over the 30 for 30 piano tinkle..)
(Figure in backlight, details blocked/face pixelized-voice distorted by tech etc): "everyone knew it was satire, absolutely everyone. it wasn't even that complicated, it was just the opposite of all the things you actually wanted to do when you built a team. it would have been clear to anyone. I mean, unless you were a complete f-BLEEP-ing a-BLEEP-le..."
{cut to: paparazzo style footage of Scott getting out of a 1998 Ford Explorer and refusing to talk to the reporter on his way into the building }
Narrator: what if I told you…
{Intercut graphic (old west lettering): “In the beginning…”}
(Figure in backlight, details blocked/face pixelized-voice distorted by tech etc): “so I’ve been on the site for about a year when I get this nice email from Scott, an actual email to my actual personal email address, I think it was my old AOL address - not, you know, just a site mail... {thoughtful pause} anyway he invites me to be part of this council of users who get to beta everything - we did the football, hockey, all the dynasty sports and we got all these free teams. It was pretty sweet…”
Montage footage: early ought’s, Cincinnati city scape, people in dated attire, bad Nu Metal music (not that there’s a good kind) – smash cut to hands on keyboards - smash cut to computer screens showing various earliest iterations of the NFLsim, NHLsim, Dynasty sims et al (very exciting vibe)
(Figure in backlight, details blocked/face pixelized-voice distorted by tech etc):”it was me, diz, tyler, Naismith some of the other hard core guys – they set up a separate forum kind of like they did for ben’s more recent theme league deal – only just a few of us had access to the forum. It was like a safe space for criticism of the games” {figure shrugs, takes a sip from what appears to be a tumbler full of brown liquid, sighs} “you know, until it wasn’t…”
(Cut to shot of middle aged man on couch chyron reads xxxx xxxxxxx, ‘owner name: Naismith’): listen, monkee was a bit of firebrand and could be a real a-BLEEP-le but at least he was funny sometimes, you know? I think Scott wouldn’t know a joke if it bit him on the ***.” looks at someone off camera, “wait, I can say *** on camera? I can. Can I say hole on camera? Oh, ok, but I can’t say a-BLEEP-le on camera? How does that even make any sense?”
Ron Howard as ‘Narrator’: It doesn’t… the entire conceit of television bleeping doesn’t make any sense. The bleeping doesn’t stop you from thinking of the word spoken. You’re already guessing at it, aren’t you? The word is already in your head. We didn’t put it there, some kid in the 4th grade whose name you can’t even remember put it there. That and “milk, milk, lemonade…”
{break for commercial} return to 30 for 30 piano tinkle and…
Shot: Bill Russell (perplexed): “no one kept track of blocks back then but it sure as hell wasn’t just 3 a game, I do know that much.”
(Figure in backlight, details blocked/face pixelized-voice distorted by tech etc): “it was this guy they hired, I think called something like titman or tinman or something like that… tympani? – I don’t think he’d ever even seen an actual basketball – I mean like the actual ball itself, not even talking about seeing a game, just the actual ball, like he didn’t have an idea of ‘orb’ even” {looks at camera} “I mean the shape, not the freakin stat. anyway he was some kind of a math dweeb, dull as mud, no sense of humor to speak of…” {shrugs, sips at brown liquid in tumbler} I mean just another real uh” {looks off camera, readdresses camera}, “jerk?”
Shot: Bill Russell (perplexed): “ORB? no one kept track of that stat either, but I do know mine are wrong as F-BLEEP-k”
Montage footage: computer screens – absurd game results, 40 turnovers, 35 PFs opposing team shooting 80% after you’ve removed blocks, {smash} {smash!} {smash!!} one box score after another after another after another after another…
Footage: Former NBA player Brent Barry {confused}: “I’ve never turned the ball over more than 6 times in a single game in my entire life – you’re saying 18 times in one game last night?” {looks at camera} “coach would have just benched me, right?”
Shot: doors of monolithic WHAT IF SPORTS building, vague outline of a figure looking out from behind the glass
Footage: Former Utah Jazz Head Coach Jerry Sloan: “Look, Johnny had gotten real old by then so we instituted these minutes limits protocols” {looks at camera} “ these a-BLEEP-les today, they act like they invented everything. Kahwi thinks he invented something? Jesus” {shakes head} “and stretch 4? C’mon, what do you think Stoney Perkins was? Rob Horry? Hell, Larry Bird? Has anyone around here even heard of Larry Bird?” {mumbled voice from off camera} ”Oh right, right, minutes protocols – {waves hand at screen, shakes head} "yeah, your coaching options just suck…”
Break for commercial – return to piano tinkle
Footage: Former NBA/ABA Legend Rick Barry: “What!? I don’t even understand what that string of words even means! Am I the one that is crazy here? Am I even getting paid for this?” {looks off camera}, ”Oh I am, really? That much? Oh? Ok so well maybe everyone was wrong, and I actually sucked? Whatif I sucked? is that what this site is about?”
(Figure in backlight, details blocked/face pixelized-voice distorted by tech etc): “I mean he was asking for my feedback, right? He asked for my feedback and even gave me free seasons for my trouble. I guess he got more than he bargained for…”
{intercut graphic (old west lettering): “Things went downhill from there…”}
Footage: NBA Legend Bob Petit: “They said they were going to normalize efg by era, but they didn’t”, looks down, shakes head, “they didn’t…”
6/17/2020 9:03 PM (edited)