Emotions ran high in clubhouse of The Outhouse Gang today when manager 2chair announced that he was assigning Andy Benes to a mopup role and starting Todd Van Crappel, er, Poppel.
"I have lost 27 straight games for that wide butted ******," said Benes angrily. "I won the Jose Lima Award in season one. I haven't had a good game since the 20th Century. And I lose my starting role?? This is bull****!"
When asked to explain the choice, manager 2chair noted that Benes was "consistently a worthless pile of crap" who had "failed to have one good outing in the past two seasons. The problem is that he does not give up enough home runs." Apparently, manager 2chair believes in giving up HRs rather than hitting them. "We need to stay at the top of the charts for HRs allowed. That whole stolen base/caught stealing computation requires more math than I can handle," added manager 2chair. "I need errors and HRs allowed like Harry Caray needed Budweiser. Todd Van Crappel, er, Crap Poppel, er, Crap Van Crapple, whatever his name is - and Bruce Chen are my best guys to serve up fastballs that make BP pitches look tough to hit."
Manager 2chair did express some regret. "I don't think Andy fully appreciates how valuable he can remain to this team by throwing 255 pitches in a mop up role and giving up 1-3 HRs when we are way behind. Those guys who do math and analyze baseball stats all say that the W-L record is not an accurate gauge of a P. I tried to explain to Andy that he has value to this team well below and under his 0-27 record over two seasons. But when I told him that 'a pile of horse poop dumped on the mound would pitch better,' Andy was offended for some reason."
When asked if he would demand a trade, Andy Benes said "You bet I am. I already told 2chair that I want to pitch for the Washington Generals. They will give my suckage the credit which it deserves. All he did was mumble something about them being a basketball team. Manager 2chair is a total horse's butt."
Todd Van Poppel was asked if replacing Benes was creating any tension between them or in the locker room. "No," replied Todd. "I am way worse than Andy Benes, and everybody knows it. Charlie Brown could hit my best pitch. Andy Benes actually had a good career except for that one bad season. I stunk from beginning, middle to end. The only thing I don't get is why there is not a bust of me in the locker room. Everybody talks about what a total bust I was. At first, I was like, 'whoa, I don't have boobs.' Then I realized they were talking about a carving of my head. Do you know where it is?"