Trying to book some guests for future episodes. Either with interviews or for the daily top 10. Let me know if you are interested!

So glad I didn't make that top 10!!! Some of these I haven't paid attention to but are fun to read. My personal fav is #6. Hilarious!!!!

Can confirm in the ATBA that ben currently owns Giannis, Kyrie, Gobert, LeBron, and Dame.


NONE of whom he drafted.


If he comes knocking it really is best to just flip off the porch light.

Posted by 20ks on 3/13/2021 12:38:00 AM (view original):
Can confirm in the ATBA that ben currently owns Giannis, Kyrie, Gobert, LeBron, and Dame.


NONE of whom he drafted.


If he comes knocking it really is best to just flip off the porch light.

it depends on what he needs. if he really needs something he doesn't have, you can possibly break even, or even win. I had a better season for Michael Cooper than he had for Eric Bledsoe and we made that trade straight up. He got a better defender for more minutes, but I certainly won. He didn't quite push me as far as I thought he would.

if, however, he's just fishing for value, good luck.

I believe he once offered Clint Capela for Alonzo Mourning and two firsts in URAPP, if I'm not mistaken. Given ADP in any draft league, you can imagine how giving up an asset like Mourning and two of my other most valuable assets for a guy who only has one excellent season would be undesirable.

I used to resent it on behalf of parity, but then I realized it's not unlike death, taxes, and gerry's 3rd round pick in Savage. If he doesn't school you, he'll school someone else, and there's nothing you can do about it. At least I can laugh about it. Hat's off to the master.

Episode 3
Open to a news broadcasting studio. A camera crew is set up facing a large desk with monitors behind it. The monitors are all showing the words SAVAGE NEWS in big blue block letters. At the studio desk, we see user benhoidal looking into a teleprompter. We hear a deep baritone voice off screen say, “THIS IS SAVAGE NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE MOST SAVAGE UPDATES FROM THE MOST SAVAGE LEAGUE IN ALL OF WIS.” The camera moves around until all we see is benhoidal and the monitor behind him.

“Hello! Welcome to the Savage News Channel! Our show today is brought to you by State Farm. There’s no replacing the Real Chris Paul, unless you are using State Farm. I’m your host, benhoidal, and I will be here for all your Savage news all season long.”

A box appears over his right shoulder with a graphic of a large number 5.

“Our top story today, the fifth round has officially concluded and lineups are starting to take shape. Results from a recent league wide survey show that exactly zero users are happy with their current starting lineups and zero users are happy with the players that are still available to them.”

The image in the box fades away and a new image showing a stopwatch takes its place.

“After a fairly quick first two rounds, the draft has slowed to a crawl. We are well behind the pace of either of the last two drafts and at this rate, one has to wonder whether we are going to finish by the end of March. longtallbrad is no longer with us so there’s no blaming it on insomnia or on jcred5 this time around. One possible explanation: the woman known only as Peggy has expanded her clientele to other sim users. Originally thought to have been made up to excuse amerk’s hypocrisy, most users initially thought her to be nonexistent, but after further inspection, common perception now seems to favor Peggy being passed around more than a State Farm team and delaying other users from making their picks as well. Now, I’m not one to kink shame, but can you guys put those wallets away until after you pick please?”

The image in the box is replaced by the North Carolina Tar Heels logo.

“The early front runner for forum MVP has clearly been tarheel1991. Between his now legendary commentary on the whole ‘Peggy’ situation, and his exasperation with dh555 making us wait before taking who everyone knew he was going to take, tarheel has certainly set the bar high for anyone hoping to make their mark as this season’s funnyman. Will other users step up the comedy or does tarheel have it in the bag?”

The image in the box is replaced by a picture of Steve Kerr in a Cavs jersey.

“For what feels like the tenth straight draft, gerryred has selected Mark Price. This makes the gerry/Price combo the only pair to be together during all four Savage leagues. gerry, who has also drafted Kyle Korver three times, seems to have a thing for slow white guys. He’s not the only user with a type though. Between, pexetera’s refusal to draft real point guards, robusk’s insistence on point guard being the key to the whole draft, and amerk’s bedroom tendencies, we all have different positions we favor.”

The box over benhoidal’s shoulder disappears. He swivels in his chair to face a second camera.

“The world of Simleague Basketball has given us many controversial figures, from the rebellious anti-authority antics of monkee to the hot headedness of ashamael to the cold hearted, calculated trade shenanigans of the SIM-Devil himself. Yet when it comes to controversial opinions, one user stands alone. Whether debating the futures of tantalizing NBA prospects, the effectiveness of playing players out of position, or the secrets to the SIM engine itself, no governor has generated more heated debate. Fresh off his latest finals disappointment, this reporter was able to score an exclusive interview with the one and only bds9992. But first a quick word from our sponsor!”

---

The studio disappears off the screen and is replaced by footage of a basketball game. Our camera zooms into the action and we see that one of the two teams is wearing red jerseys with the State Farm logo in front. The other team is wearing generic blue jerseys. We focus in on the point guard of the red team who is dribbling the ball up the court. It is Chris Paul. Chris Paul proceeds to do a complicated dribble move to shake his guy, probes the defense, then passes the ball to a wide open teammate who misses badly. The blue team quickly pushes the ball up court and gets a layup. Chris Paul shakes his head in frustration, but brings the ball up the court again. This time, he spins around his defender, up fakes the help, and dishes a beautiful behind the back pass to a wide open teammate who again misses badly. The blue team gets the rebound, pushes the ball up the court and executes an alley-oop dunk. Chris Paul is visibly frustrated, but diligently brings the ball up once more. This time, he dribbles the ball back and forth between his legs a few times, dribbles around a pick set by his big, then lobs a beautiful dish right to the rim, where his teammate promptly misses the dunk. The blue team quickly gets the ball up the court and scores once more.

The whistle blows, and the teams head to their benches. Chris Paul is visibly upset and yelling at his teammates. The coach calls him over and we see that it is Jake from State Farm.

Chris Paul: “Jake from State Farm.”

Jake from State Farm: “Here’s the deal. There’s no replacing the Real Chris Paul, unless you are using State Farm.”

Chris Paul: “Wait. You mean, there’s no replacing me, JUST LIKE there’s no replacing State Farm right?”

Jake from State Farm: “Actually, I meant unless. You might be the best true point guard for most leagues, but when users use our State Farm strategy, they will be better suited using the New Chris Paul.”

Chris Paul: “The New Chris Paul?”

Jake from State Farm: “Yes.” He calls down the bench, “Hey, New Chris? You’re in!”

Chris Paul ***** his head to stare past Jake from State Farm, and we follow his gaze down the bench. Sitting at the very end is a short white guy with shorts that ride to his mid-thigh. The benchwarmer pumps his fist and runs past Chris Paul and Jake from State Farm to check into the game.

Chris Paul: “Him? Really? But I’m a better scorer, defender, and rebounder! Plus, I have way less turnovers! I’m basically better at everything!”

Jake from State Farm: “Not everything.”

The whistle sounds and we see the New Chris Paul dribble up the court. He doesn’t use any fancy moves, but instead comes to a very technical jump stop, makes sure both hands are placed directly behind the basketball, and fires a textbook bounce pass right into the hands of a teammate. The teammate rises and shoots the ball.

Chris Paul: “That won’t go in. That guy never makes it when I pass it to him.”

Swish.

Chris Paul’s jaw drops. “Lucky shot.”

We are greeted with a quick montage of textbook bounce and chest passes and swish after swish after swish.

Jake from State Farm: “Sorry Chris, there’s a New Chris Paul now.”

The video fades away and our screen turns red. A familiar jingle greets our ears as the State Farm logo appears across the screen. We hear Jake from State Farm’s voice ring out, “There’s no replacing the Real Chris Paul, unless you are using State Farm. Like a good neighbor, the State Farm strategy is there.”

---

The image fades away and the studio reappears. benhoidal is still sitting behind the news desk with an empty chair set up next to him. On top of the desk, we see a bobblehead of John Stockton in a red State Farm jersey.

benhoidal: “Welcome back! bds9992 was supposed to be joining me today, but my staff has been unable to locate him. In fact, it seems as though he hasn’t been spotted since losing the finals of the most recent $52 Million draft, despite having the best team in the league and a more than ten win advantage over his opponent. Eyewitness accounts of…”

All of a sudden, a trombone rendition of ‘We are the Champions’ by Queen starts blaring somewhere off screen. benhoidal stops mid-sentence to try and locate the sound.

bds9992 strides onto the set, wearing a backwards Suns cap and carrying a large trombone over one shoulder. Around his neck is what appears to be a gold medal made out of plastic. bds9992 strides over towards the news desk while still blowing his own horn. He crescendos the last few notes with exaggerated flare before setting the trombone down on top of the news desk. The trombone knocks over the Stockton bobblehead and it lands right in the lap of a clearly shocked benhoidal. bds9992 lifts his arms up and down to try to pump up the imaginary live crowd, then sits down in the chair offered to the side of the desk and props his feet up on top of the news desk.

bds9992: “ben! What a fabulous day it is! I’m so glad you decided to have me. Did you know I just won the $52 Million Championship? Have you ever won a title? Let me tell you, it’s a wonderful feeling.”

benhoidal: “... uhh…”

bds9992: “Don’t worry, you’ll get there.”

benhoidal: “Well, actually I have won a title or two.”

bds9992: “Oh really? Well, you and I are basically at the same level then.”

benhoidal: “Huh.”

bds9992: “Man, life just smells different today. You know what I mean?”

benhoidal: “No.”

bds9992: “It’s like I’m a whole new player. I bet I’ll be at 10 championships soon.”

benhoidal: “Not to derail your new outlook, but didn’t you just lose in the finals?”

bds9992: “Nonsense.”

benhoidal: “No, I’m looking at the results right now. You still haven’t won that elusive first championship. Your finals record is still sitting at 0-14.”

bds9992: “No it isn’t.”

benhoidal: “It is actually, look.”

bds9992 leans forward to look at the sheet of paper benhoidal has offered him. His eyebrows scrunch together. He removes a pen from his pocket and crosses something out on the piece of paper.

bds9992: “ben, I think you should look again. It pretty clearly says 1-13. You really should get your eyes checked.”

benhoidal: “Okay, well I see that this is going nowhere and we do have an interview to do here. Shall we just get started?”

bds9992: “Oh yes. You’re lucky I already booked this interview before my championship. I’m sure all the major fake SIM news networks are going to be calling soon.”

benhoidal: “Sure. Well, can you tell me a little bit about your SIM journey up until this point? In particular, how…”

bds9992: “So I technically joined the world of SIM way back in 2008, but I didn’t really take it seriously until 2014. Almost immediately, I started to find statistical gems that no one else seemed to value, but actually performed really well in the SIM. I realized that my approach to drafting was just different than others and I could really use that to my advantage. I found players such as Dana Barros just sitting there in the fourth round of draft leagues when really he isn’t that far off from someone like Steph Curry. I started doing really well in the ODL in particular, in fact I’m really proud of my 45 win career average in that league.”

benhoidal: “37.”

bds9992: “I’m sorry?”

benhoidal: “You’ve averaged 37.4 wins in the ODL.”

bds9992: “Pretty sure it’s 45. I would know.”

benhoidal: “Here at Savage News we have detailed records of every ODL dating back to when carbonjones was a rookie, sly was commissioner and everyone thought Oscar Robertson was a surefire 2nd round pick.”

bds9992: “45, 37, what’s the difference?”

benhoidal: “8 wins per season.”

bds9992: “We’ll have to agree to disagree.”

benhoidal: “Not really. But let’s not get sidetracked. You currently hold the record for most Finals appearances without a championship. What does that feel like, and what steps are you going to take to finally reach the promised land?”

bds9992: “Well ben, I was rising rapidly up the leaderboards. There was only one number that mattered to me: jyoti12791’s legendary record of 19,296 wins…”

benhoidal: “Wins with no titles.”

bds9992: “...sure, anyways I was so close to his wins record. Only a few hundred away.”

benhoidal: “Over 10,000.”

bds9992: “That’s pretty close.”

benhoidal: “Do you consider yourself good with numbers?”

bds9992: “Next question.”

benhoidal: “OK, moving on. You recently died in the second season of the hit SNN series Game of Zones: The Savage Lands. Your character was executed for crimes including SIM malpractice, disorderly drafting, and heresy against the Lord of the Usage Thread. Can you tell us a little bit about that? How did you react to your character’s fate, and what was your reaction to coming back as a White Walker?”

bds9992: “You know, honestly, that show is rigged. The trial was an absolute sham, and if the ballots were made public for all to see, we would see that I actually won the vote.”

benhoidal: “It was a public trial. You demanded trial by combat and lost.”

bds9992: “The actual trial never really concluded. amerk1180 and cmcafeeky never actually cast their votes, and ashamael was rudely interrupted before he could cast his, so the trial should have been thrown out.”

benhoidal: “I believe it was your character who interrupted ashamael, who was in the middle of a very obvious guilty vote.”

bds9992: “ash should never have been allowed to be a judge anyways. After what happened in the TEPL, it was a conflict of interest.”

benhoidal: “I wasn’t around during the TEPL. Can you explain a little bit of what transpired?”

bds9992: “Sure. ash kicked me out, because the minute you challenge the all-knowing ashamael, he’ll banish you whether you’ve actually done anything wrong or not. I mean, he had to realize that the Drexler trade really wasn’t a big deal, especially when I literally offered to give up LeBron in the interest of league parity. I was always a good sport in that league, and he’s never really forgiven me for that.”

benhoidal: “Hmm. Well, I did want to touch on the dust up between yourself and both ashamael and robusk. That little forum dispute you guys had got pretty Savage. I think I’m starting to see the origins of the conflict between yourself and ashamael, but can you enlighten us as to why there may be some bad blood between you and robusk?”

bds9992: “I guess Robert is just jealous of my 45 win average in the ODL. I really couldn’t tell you.”

benhoidal: “robusk, whose name is not Robert by the way, has won three titles in that league and has averaged 51.8 wins, the second highest of anyone with more than two seasons. You really think that’s the reason?”

bds9992: “It’s either that, or they’re upset that I won’t share my secret knowledge of the SIM code.”

benhoidal: “Secret code? That sounds interesting?”

bds9992: “Oh, great, you too. Listen, people keep asking me to explain my draft strategy, and then they’re savage with me when I actually answer them. They tell me it will never work and I don’t know what I’m doing. Then I give more reasons why it makes sense and proceed to finish 6th in the whole league, better than some of those asking the questions, I might add, but they won’t ever let it go. Certain people might want to actually learn how to win in Savage before they start acting like they know what they’re talking about. Don’t they know I’m a champion?”

benhoidal: “Well, since you’re not actually a champion, I’m sure they don’t know. But let me ask you something as long as we are going to keep up this pretense of delusion. The $52 Million league requires the champion to write evaluations. Are you going to be sharing any intel about your secret SIM knowledge during that process?”

bds9992: “No. I finally cracked the code and I’m not sharing it, no matter what. Speaking of evals, can you tell dBKC not to write any evals about my Savage squad? There’s no point unless they know my master plan.”

benhoidal: “What is your master plan?”

bds9992: “STOP ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF! The master plan is a closely guarded secret! You start by limiting shots per unit and target a certain number of points produced by those shots by reaching a certain TS% efficiency across the unit. You ever wonder why Mookie Blaylock and Paul George always seem to underperform? They shoot too much. Ultimately there is an upper limit to shots that the SIM can handle over the course of 48 minutes. Even if shots are triggered by the activation of usage, the SIM is required to give them to someone. Let’s say Giannis’ usage is activated and the SIM determines he’s going to make an assist. Who’s he passing to? Usage was already factored into the equation. Somebody needs to shoot, but it’s not Giannis. What’s the SIM going off of? I’d have to argue FGA. The...”

benhoidal: “Alright, alright, I get it. But wait a minute, aren’t you explaining yourself? Didn’t you just yell at me to stop asking you to explain yourself?”

bds9992: “Next question.”

benhoidal: “Uhh, okay. You have a new movie coming out don’t you? On the Savage Network no less. Can you tell my audience a little bit about it?”

bds9992: “Well, it’s called ‘Solo: A bds Story’ and the trailer should be coming out in the next couple of weeks. I’d say more, but just like my master plan… it’s a secret.”

benhoidal: “You can’t tell us anything about it?”

bds9992: “Nope.”

benhoidal: “Well, okay. One last question for you before you go. You made some comments during a recent Savage draft about DeAndre Ayton being a better prospect than Luka Doncic. Considering Luka is already a top 10 player in the league despite just turning 22, and Ayton is just okay, do you really believe this or were you just talking as a Suns fan?”

bds9992: “Well I have to imagine you’ve never seen Ayton play otherwise you’d have to agree with me. He has Dwight Howard's body and mobility, Zach LaVine's vertical, Yao's touch, and Enes Kanter's scoring skill. Can you imagine Dwight Howard with a 3? That's what we're possibly looking at. He’s only been in the NBA for two seasons so he’s definitely going to improve. I think he’ll be a top ten player in the whole league in a few years.”

benhoidal: “But isn’t Luka already a top ten player?”

bds9992: “Sure, but he’s plateaued. He’ll never get any better.”

benhoidal: “Even though he’s also only been in the NBA for two seasons?”

bds9992: “Yes, and it’s easy to see why. Luka has neither the reputation for being a pure shooter, nor the athleticism to get him to that next level.”

benhoidal: “But even if he never gets to another level, which considering he’s the best 22 year old ever is a real stretch, he’s already better than Ayton will ever be.”

bds9992: “You must not watch Suns games.”

benhoidal: “I do actually. I’ve seen a bunch of them the last two years.”

bds9992: “Then how can you possibly think he won’t be better than Luka?”

benhoidal: “Alright, this has gone on long enough.”

He quickly swivels in his chair to face the camera and it zooms in on his face.

benhoidal: “Now over to cmcafeeky for our Daily Top 10!”

---

We switch cameras over to another part of the studio where cmcafeeky is standing in front of a large jumbo screen and looking very salty.

cmcafeeky: “Top 10? Like a David Letterman thing?

F that…

I’m busy building a winning program over here...

I don’t have time for a top ten

hell.... I don't have time for a top 3... or a top 2

talk is cheap

winning isn't the main thing - it's the ONLY thing.”

cmcafeeky storms off screen.

---

The camera remains on the jumbo screen for a few seconds before switching back to the main studio where benhoidal is staring into the teleprompter with his mouth open. It takes him a couple of seconds to regain his composure.

“Wow. Well that was certainly something. I’m calling it right now. This will be the first Savage league where LeBron misses the top 10. Guaranteed. Well, that will do it for this edition of Savage News on the Savage News Channel. We will be back next time with a post draft analysis and our season preview. As always, have a SAVAGE day.”

The camera starts to slowly zoom out and take in the whole studio as a pleasant melody of notes starts playing in the background. The image is replaced by a white screen with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.

My god. This is some of your finest Ben. You perfectly captured both bds’s voice and cmcafeeky’s.

Great episode

Posted by robusk on 3/15/2021 4:05:00 PM (view original):
My god. This is some of your finest Ben. You perfectly captured both bds’s voice and cmcafeeky’s.

We co-wrote it. Needed some believable pushback

Top 10 MVP candidates coming soon...... :D

“Our top story today, the fifth round has officially concluded and lineups are starting to take shape. Results from a recent league wide survey show that exactly zero users are happy with their current starting lineups and zero users are happy with the players that are still available to them.”

Absolutely brilliant.

Episode 4
Open to a news broadcasting studio. A camera crew is set up facing a large desk with monitors behind it. The monitors are all showing the words SAVAGE NEWS in big blue block letters. At the studio desk, we see user benhoidal looking into a teleprompter. We hear a deep baritone voice off screen say, “THIS IS SAVAGE NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE MOST SAVAGE UPDATES FROM THE MOST SAVAGE LEAGUE IN ALL OF WIS.” The camera moves around until all we see is benhoidal and the monitor behind him.

“Hello! Welcome to the Savage News Channel! Our show today is brought to you by Solo: A bds Story, coming soon to a desktop or mobile device near you! I’m your host, benhoidal, and I will be here for all your Savage news all season long.”

A box appears over his right shoulder with a graphic showing the Savage logo of a white background with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.

benhoidal: “Our top story today: The draft is over and the season is primed to start. 24 governors, 5 teams each, for a total of 120 teams and each and every one of them has a chance to win it all. There’s really nothing like it in all of WIS.”

The image in the box is replaced with a motherf*cking birthday cake.

benhoidal: “One of the toughest jobs in all of Savage is writing up evals for each team. With the amount of time it takes to put together all five teams, it’s a wonder anyone has the time to do it. This season the task was given to the reigning Savage King, dBKC who rose to the challenge and wrote brilliant evaluations for each and every team including a section where he suggested a pick he would have done differently for each governor. I for one, am shocked that dBKC was able to get more than three of them done and that he didn’t even wait until the season was done to do it.”

The image above his shoulder is replaced by a picture of an immensely overweight cow hunched over a computer screen.

benhoidal: “As we speak, governors are putting teams into worlds. As soon as the leagues are full, Savage commissioner dh555 will be putting the beefy solvers to work and setting the divisions up. As a refresher, each governor will play each other at least 11 times during the regular season and no more than 25.”

The image in the box is replaced with a stopwatch sitting on a pile of money.

benhoidal: “As the last stragglers enter their teams, the betting markets are going crazy over who they think will hold up the league the longest. Smart money early on seemed to be on either albiband0 or amerk1180 being the last one to enter, but with both governors getting their teams in among the first twelve, oddsmakers can’t seem to make up their minds. For what it’s worth, my money is on pexetera. I just have this feeling. Either that, or whomever is last in line with Peggy.”

The image in the box becomes a graphic of Godzilla fighting King Kong.

benhoidal: “Speaking of bets, did you guys see the wager ashamael proposed to bds9992? After going almost a full draft with limited controversy, the two got into another heated conversation at the end of the draft. Now, it was nothing like their arguments of old, but it still raised some eyebrows in the chat. I think it started with pexetera making an off handed comment about cmcafeeky being able to make the top ten, because ‘even bds made the top 10 with LeBron.’ bds got a little upset at this, ashamael responded with a funny gif, and the rest is history. Now in all fairness, bds9992 is much better than cmcafeeky at this game, so I understand where he is coming from. However, on the other hand, it just wouldn’t be Savage without a little back and forth between these two governors. Anyways, the bet is that neither one of them can mention the other one for the whole season. I don’t know whether bds will accept the wager or not, but I can’t wait until one of them accidentally loses next week.”

An image of a sparkling golden crown shimmers into the box above.

benhoidal: “Alright, alright. It’s time for some predictions. In the forums, pexetera, robusk, and ashamael have all ranked their top 10s with pexetera ranking his full 24. Now, to nobody’s surprise, both pexetera and ashamael ranked themselves as the top team. pexetera wisely included a disclaimer that he was only predicting for the regular season. robusk on the other hand, decided to be much humbler and place himself all the way down at number three.”

The box over benhoidal’s shoulder disappears. He swivels in his chair to face a second camera.

“We have a special treat for you today. We have decided to scrub our interview with ysw128 since every response was answered with the same three words. Instead, we will be taking questions all afternoon from the most Savage governors in all of WIS. If you would like your questions answered live on the show, please tag Savage News on Twitter and we will do our best to answer them. But first, a quick message from our sponsor.”

---

The studio disappears and our screen is momentarily dark. Then, a few stars shimmer into existence in the distance. Suddenly there’s a lens flare and a starship zooms onto our screen. Followed closely behind it we see two other smaller starships. The smaller starships are firing green lasers at the larger ship, which is veering left and right, and upside down trying to evade the weapons.

Our camera is suddenly inside the spaceship. At the pilot controls, face contorted in concentration, we see bds9992. He is wearing a long sleeved shirt with a deep v-neck. Over it, is a black vest with many pockets and at his waist sits a holster with a blaster rifle inside. Next to him amerk1180 sits in a large furry costume. Behind them stands a golden robot who looks a lot like robusk and a beautiful princess in a flowing white gown with the face of ashamael.

Princess Ash: “What are you doing? You’re not actually going to start Maurice Cheeks at power forward are you?”

bdSolo: “They’d be crazy to expect it, wouldn’t they?”

Princess Ash: “You don’t have to do this to impress me.”

C3PROB: “But Sir, the possibility of you successfully winning your first championship are approximately three thousand seven hundred twenty to one!”

bdSolo: “Never tell me the odds!”

Large yellow letters take over the screen, backdropped by the blackness of space and a few distant stars.

FROM THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU ‘LITTLE (GERRY)RED RIDING HOOD’, ‘YEAH, SURE, WHATEVER’, AND ‘AMERK HISTORY X’

A montage of different scenes follows.

We see bdSolo and Princess Ash staring daggers at each other.

bdSolo: “Look, your worshipfulness. Just pretend I said whatever you want me to have said and let’s leave it there.”

Quick cut to a gunfight in the halls of a massive battle station. bdSolo is flanked by a young man in a white tunic with flowing blonde locks and the face of dBKC. Both of them are firing their blasters and we see a number of stormtroopers returning fire. bdSolo throws aside his weapon and grabs a shield from a fallen trooper. “Look kid, just block all of their attacks. It’s the best way to win!”

More letters take over the screen.

THIS SPRING

Quick cut back to the starship. bdSolo turns to look at his furry friend. “Punch it Chewie! Peggy ain’t going to wait all day!” Next to him, amerk1180 pushes the throttle forward. Our camera flips to the exterior of the ship as the thrusters glow blue. The spaceship thrusts forward before abruptly disappearing.

Quick cut to a Mos Eisley bar where bdSolo is sitting across from the young man resembling dBKC and a much older man with a white beard and a face resembling dh555. bdSolo looks a little offended. “It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in seven parsecs or less! The Phoenix Sun here has outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I’m talking about the big Western Conference ships now. She’s fast enough for you old man! Plus, I drafted DeAndre Ayton as co-pilot instead of that Luka Skywalker kid, so it should be even better now.”

More letters take over the screen.

A HERO IS BORN

Quick cut to the Death Star where bdSolo is dressed in stormtrooper armor and listening to a comm unit in the center of a small room. “What is your serial number? How many championships have you won?” Instead of responding, bdSolo takes out his blaster and shoots at the comm unit, destroying it. He mutters to himself, “Boring conversation anyways.” He then raises his head and shouts down the hallway, “dB, we’re going to have company!”

Quick cut back to the inside of the starship. C3PROB turns his head to look at bdSolo. “Sir, if I could venture an opinion.” bdSolo instantly cuts him off. “I’m not really interested in your opinion 3PROB.”

More letters take over the screen.

A JOURNEY LIKE NO OTHER BEGINS

Quick cut to bdSolo being bound and lowered into a carbonite chamber. Behind him the black mask of Darth benhoidal gazes towards the camera. Princess Ash is struggling as she is being held back. “I’m just trying to help you!” The camera zooms in on bdSolo’s face as he is slowly lowered into the chamber. He rolls his eyes and says, “I know.”

Quick cut to an older bdSolo who is standing aboard his old starship and staring directly at the camera. “I used to wonder about that myself. Thought it was a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. How could stats like usage or efg% be more important than blk% or the combination of rebounds plus free throws plus shots. Crazy thing is… it’s true. The Force. The Usage formula. The Jedi… All of it… It’s all true.”

More letters take over the screen.

AND THE FATE OF THE GALAXY RESTS UPON ONE MAN’S ABILITY TO WIN A SINGLE CHAMPIONSHIP

Quick cut to a golden robot looking exasperatedly at the camera.

C3PROB: “We’re Doomed!”

More letters take over the screen and a familiar series of musical notes plays over.

SOLO:
A bds Story

Those words are replaced by the words,

Coming soon to a desktop or mobile device near you.

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The image fades away and the studio reappears. benhoidal is still sitting behind the desk and is holding two tickets in his hand.

benhoidal: “Welcome back! At the end of today’s show we will be giving away two tickets to the premier of Solo: a bds Story to two lucky viewers. Call the number below for your chance to be the first to see it!”

At the bottom of the screen, the following appears:

CALL 1-800-SAVAGE TODAY!

benhoidal: “As the new season dawns, questions remain. Who will win the elusive Savage crown? Which divisions and worlds will be toughest? Which players will help or hurt their future stock the most? How does amerk’s *** feel this morning? Today, we will be taking questions from the most Savage governors in all of WIS to answer your most Savage questions. Before our commercial break, we asked viewers to send their questions to our Twitter feed. Here are some of the best.”

benhoidal swivels in his chair to face another camera. Behind him there is a large screen where we can see the questions as he reads them.

benhoidal: “Our first question today comes from @mustangsimlord. He asks,

‘Hi Ben, I’ve been driving myself mad trying to figure out which world to place my best team.
I can’t put it in world 1, because that’s where the lazy will go 1-2-3-4-5.
I can’t put it in world 2, because in Savage II I had a hell division there.
I can’t put it in world 3, because that’s where you always put your best team and where I had the absolute hell division last season.
I can’t put it in world 5, because the slightly less lazy will go 5-4-3-2-1, and dBKC is winning that world anyways.
And I can’t put it in world 4, because everyone will expect me to put it there due to the other things.
Please help me. Where should I put my best team?’

benhoidal: “Wow, that is quite the conundrum. You are right though, you can’t put your best team in any of those worlds. If I were you, I would just scrap your best team altogether and make five new teams without any of those players.

“Alright, next question. @commish555 asks,

‘Hi Ben, I’ve been doing pretty well in Savage. In fact, I’m one of only three governors to place in the top 10 all three times. But, I’ve never quite managed a podium finish. What do I need to do to reach that next level?’

benhoidal: “Well, you can start by asking someone who has done better than me in this format. Sure, I took third in the first go around, but please don’t look at how I did last season.

“Okay, what’s next? @memelordsupreme asks,

‘Hi Ben, love the show. I’ve actually been doing some writing in the forums lately, and I’ve been a bit disappointed in the response. I feel like I’ve created something awesome, but it seems that only the ‘Kool Kids’ are reading it. How do I reach a larger audience?’

benhoidal: “Hmm, if this is in regards to what I think it is, I don’t think you have to worry too much. Keep posting those awesome issues and the views and comments will come!

“Let’s see, we probably have time for two more questions. @MFBirthdayBoy asks,

‘Hi Ben, I have a problem. Somehow, I’ve been labeled as the nicest governor in all the sim and I just don’t get it. I’m clearly the most Savage governor on the site and destroy my opponents on a regular basis, but people just don’t take me seriously as the ruthless competitor I want to be. How’d you do it? Everyone knows you are merciless. They even call you the Sim Devil. What’s your secret?”

benhoidal: “I’ll tell you what. You tell me your secret on how you keep finishing in the top two of Savage every single season, and I’ll tell you how to be more cutthroat. Deal?

“Alright, let’s see what else we have here. @LPGA1180 asks,

‘Hi Ben, I missed your last show. Too busy having a Savage night with my girl Peggy. Can you please stop making jokes about me being racist? I have a black friend.”

benhoidal pauses for a second, then swivels in his chair to face another camera which zooms in on his face.

benhoidal: “Now over to jhsukow for our Daily Top 10!”

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We switch cameras over to another part of the studio where jhsukow is standing in front of a large screen with the Savage News logo on it.

jhsukow: “Thanks ben, glad to be back on the show. Today for the Daily Top 10, we are going to be counting down the ‘Mark Price All-Stars.’ We will be listing ten of the most Savage governors who all seem to have a particular affinity for certain players. I have broken the list down into three distinct tiers for you.”

Behind him, the Savage News logo disappears from the screen and is replaced by a large number 10. The number disappears and we see highlights of various players about to be mentioned.

jhsukow: “This first tier is for the governors who have multiple players who have been on their teams more than once. Leading off the tier at number 10, we have jkaye24! In only two seasons of Savageness, jkaye24 is now two for two in regards to drafting Pau Gasol in the fourth round and is also reuniting with Jarrett Allen once more.”

A number 9 swirls into view behind him.

jhsukow: “Also in his second Savage season after a two season hiatus, kinoa1 joins the list at number 9. He returns to some familiar faces in Bobby Jones and JaVale McGee.”

Behind him we see the number 8 replace the highlights of JaVale McGee running the wrong way.

jhsukow: “Rounding out this first tier we have Midge, who reunites with Dave Cowens and Troy Murphy as well as being upset that he couldn’t draft John Havilicek again despite Havlicek being notoriously terrible. If you think that’s way too many white basketball players to want on your team, just wait until we get to number 1!”

A 7 flashes into view behind him followed by more highlights.

jhsukow: “In his own tier at number 7, we have tarheel1991. Tar hasn’t drafted anyone more than twice which prevents him from joining that top tier, but among players who have spent half of their Savage lives with tarheel are Tyson Chandler, Chris Mullin, David West, and Gordon Hayward.”

A 6 spins by on the big screen.

jhsukow: “Alright, here’s where we get to elite levels of ride or die loyalty. We’ve reached the top 6! Each of these governors have drafted at least one player, at least three times! That’s commitment. Starting this tier off is 24kpyrite. 24 has selected John Wall and PJ Brown twice, but did you know he has drafted Joe Dumars 3 times?”

A 5 replaces the number on the screen.

jhsukow: “Coming in at number 5, we have pexetera. Clint Capela, Jimmy Butler, David Lee, Ivica Zubac, and Delon Wright have all seen two successful seasons with one of the top Savage Governors. Ed Davis has done it three times.”

We see a large 4 spin into view behind him.

jhsukow: “At number 4, Larry Smith, Larry Nance Jr., and Oliver miller have had a double dose of jpevans31. Joe Ingles has been jinglin’ with jp three times. I’m as surprised as anyone he hasn’t offered to trade any of them for a first round pick.”

A number 3 is seen on the big screen.

jhsukow: “I think most people would love multiple chances with Gary Payton, Kyle Lowry, and Willis Reed. jcred5 has been lucky enough to grab each of them twice. It’s hard to imagine anyone not involved with KIA would be happy to draft Blake Griffin, yet jcred5 nabs him for the third time in this draft.”

The number 2 comes into view.

jhsukow: “Not too many governors can say that they have had the same first round pick more than once, but 20ks has ended up with KG in season 1 and season4. He has also gone back-to-back with Reggie Miller and JJ Redick in the first two seasons. Others in the two-time club for 20ks are Andersen Varejao (seasons 2 and 4) and Michael Ray Richardson (seasons 2 and 3). Finally, Peja Stojakovic has paired up with 20ks three times. Twenty, I think if you want to improve on your Savage finishes, you should stop drafting the same crappy players.”

A large number 1 flashes into view and pulsates on the screen a few times, before being replaced by clips of a bunch of white guys shooting threes.

jhsukow: “Coming in at number 1, there could be no one else here except for the one and only gerryred. It had to be. Aside from Jason Terry, Roy Tarpley, Clarence Weatherspoon, Patty Mills, and A.C. Green twice each, gerry is now famous for taking Mark Price in the third round of EVERY SINGLE SAVAGE DRAFT as well as taking Kyle Korver between rounds four and six in EVERY SINGLE SAVAGE DRAFT. That’s four in a row for both of them! I for one hope to see the streak continue in future iterations of Savage. Back to you ben.”

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We switch back to the main studio where benhoidal is staring into the teleprompter.

“Thank you jhsukow. At this point I think gerryred has had more white guys on his teams than an amerk golf trip. Well, that will do it for this edition of Savage News on the Savage News Channel. We will be back next time with our overreactions to the early season results. As always, have a SAVAGE day.”

The camera starts to slowly zoom out and take in the whole studio as a pleasant melody of notes starts playing in the background. The image is replaced by a white screen with dark red letters spelling out the word SAVAGE. The letters seem to be dripping down as though written in blood.

I’m late for work because I started reading that and couldn’t stop. Too much great **** to point out... I’m floored!!

Nice job!

All I read is that jh and ben agree that I'm #1 (blush blush)

Posted by gerryred on 3/29/2021 6:15:00 PM (view original):
All I read is that jh and ben agree that I'm #1 (blush blush)

Not only are you #1, you are the GOAT, the Logo, and the award will forever be named after you.