I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest peni$ she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

 

 

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

 

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

 

 

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

 

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

 

 

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

 

 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

 

 

 

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!

 

 

 

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

 

 

 

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

 

 

 

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

 

 

 

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

 

 

 

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 dumbass Muslims had added me as a friend!!

 

 

 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

 

 

 

The Red Cross had just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.