I have enjoyed these. This one was exceptional

ahahahahahaha that was great

Posted by jhsukow on 9/2/2020 10:38:00 PM (view original):
I have enjoyed these. This one was exceptional

I think the best ones have tended to be centered on the characters Ben knows the most about.

Two episodes to drop this weekend. The second one is The Trial of bds!

Season 2 - Episode 12: Good Wolf, Bad Wolf
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to Sir Chris Paul walking slowly down a dark, narrow hallway and holding out a lantern in front of him. From the light off the lantern we see we are in the Black Cells of the Red Keep. As he walks down the hall, we see that most of the cells are empty, however one near the middle is occupied by a short unkempt man who seems to be talking to himself. Sir Chris Paul passes with only a quick glance.

Cut to a great feast. On the ground dead are Lords samuelyork93 and copernicus. Sir Kareem, Captain of the gold cloaks, is pointing his finger at bds9992 who is holding a pitcher of wine in his hands and staring at it in utter disbelief and horror.

Sir Kareem: “Knights, this man has committed the murder of two lords and a king. And worse, he has committed SIM malpractice, disorderly drafting, and hasn’t won a single tournament in 12 years. Arrest him!”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 12: Good Wolf, Bad Wolf

Scene opens to a dark and grimy dungeon cell with no windows. Red tally marks adorn the walls. Littered over the floor are hundreds of unread sitemails. In the center of the room we see a short unkempt man, unshaven with long dark hair covering his eyes. As we zoom in closer, we see that it is bds9992. He is muttering to himself, and we can hear a few things he is saying. “Sir Cheeks at Power Forward? Sir LeBron at Center? I’m so close, I can taste it. The magical SIM recipe that will finally get me my Lordship.”

The air shimmers next to him and we see a mirror image of bds9992 appear. The copy is clean and looks exactly as bds9992 did prior to his arrest. The original blinks his eyes and shakes his head, but the copy is still there.

bds9992: “wh...wh...who are you?”

The copy looks down at its new hands in delight. “I’m bds92.”

bds9992: “My alias? How are you here? How are you real?”

bds92: “You’ve written so many sitemails that certain lords have stopped reading your letters. I’m here to help you.”

bds9992: “Help me how? Can you get me out of here? Write to the Hand, Lord dh555. I’m innocent. He must know this. He will set me free!”

bds92: “The Hand is not what he seems. No, I have written to Lords amerk and cmcafeeky. They defended you during the selection process when you took Sir Westbrook. They are your only chance. I have managed to get both of them as judges in your trial.”

bds9992: “Who else will be there to judge me?”

bds92: “I have heard that the Hand has appointed Lord robusk as lead referee. He is viewed as the most impartial, only caring about the facts.”

bds9992: “Facts, such as the more rebounding you have, the less turnovers you have?”

bds92: “No. As to the other judges, I believe that the Lord Hand will be there himself along with lords benhoidal and dBKC. There are also rumors that the ancient warlock Seble will be the seventh judge.”

bds9992: “As long as Lord ashamael isn’t there, I should be fine.”

bds92 disappears with a pop and bds9992 looks around frantically. Suddenly the air shimmers once more, this time over his right shoulder, and a tiny angel appears. It is wearing the white cloak of the Kingsguard and beneath its golden halo we see that it has the face of Lord ashamael.

bds9992 scowls: “My arch-nemesis.”

Lord ashamael: “Are you sure you know what that word means?”

bds9992: “What are you doing here?”

Lord ashamael: “I got a sitemail from a bds92. I’m here to offer some advice.”

bds9992: “Why would you do that?”

Lord ashamael: “Even after all our back and forth, I am rooting for you.”

bds9992: “Will you finally admit that Sir Cheeks and Sir Westbrook were good picks?”

Lord ashamael: “No. They weren’t.”

bds9992: “But Sir Cheeks has been my greatest defender in the tournament thus far. He has been blocking every attack the other knights have attempted. Just say you were wrong.”

Lord ashamael: “Never.”

bds9992: “Well, what’s your advice then?”

Lord ashamael: “Demand a trial by combat.”

bds9992: “But I’ve never won a battle!”

Lord ashamael: “You have the greatest knight in the realm, Sir LeBron, in your service. Name him as your champion.”

bds9992: “I don’t know. I feel like a regular trial is safer. I am innocent after all.”

Lord ashamael sighs and tilts his head forward to look at bds9992’s other shoulder. “Well I tried. Your turn.”

bds9992: “Whose turn? Who are you talking to?”

The air over bds9992’s left shoulder starts to shimmer and a tiny red devil pops onto the screen. It has a spindly and pointed tail and is carrying an elongated pitchfork. It is wearing the robes of a red priest and beneath its pointed horns we see the face of Lord benhoidal.

Lord benhoidal: “Trial by combat is your only chance. I have seen your trial in my flames. It will not end well.”

bds9992: “But I am innocent! Surely they won’t condemn an innocent man!”

Lord ashamael: “Are you immune to logic and reason? If you stand trial, you will be sentenced to death. The lords of this realm need someone to blame for the king’s demise and you are their perfect scapegoat. Trial by combat is the only way.”

bds9992: “Aren’t you two supposed to disagree on everything?”

Lord benhoidal: “Actually, ash and I agree on almost everything.”

Lord ashamael: “No, we are very different. Just look at our different colored robes!”

Lord benhoidal reaches around bds9992’s neck and lifts the bottom of Lord ashamael’s white cloak to reveal the robes of a red priest underneath. “You just took that white cloak from one of your players, didn’t you?”

bds9992: “Which player does the cloak belong to?”

Lord benhoidal: “Who knows? His whole team was a part of King Kinoa’s kingsguard. It could have been from any of them.”

Lord ashamael: “King Kinoa actually copied my strategies.”

bds9992: “I’m sure you must be first in the standings then?”

Lord ashamael scowls: “You just don’t know when to quit do you? You want all this to be over?” He spreads his hands wide and indicates the jail cell. “All you have to do to make all this go away is just stop starting things.”

bds9992: “I just make comments in general that have nothing to do with you. All you have to do is agree to disagree.”

Lord ashamael: “You called me your arch nemesis as soon as I showed up. How is that not starting things?”

bds9992: “Just pretend I said whatever you want me to have said and let’s leave it there.”

Lord ashamael: “You just have to get the last word, don’t you?”

bds9992: “No.”

Lord ashamael: “Yes you do.”

bds9992: “No I don’t”

ashamael: “Ugh, stop making stupid comments and I will stop responding to you.”

bds9992: “I’m not going to stop, and neither are you.”

Lord ashamael: “How do you know this?”

bds9992: “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.”

Lord ashamael: “What kind of things could you possibly know?”

bds9992: “I know that Sir Ayton will be better than Sir Doncic.”

Lord benhoidal: “Alright that’s enough. Look, they’re coming soon. Remember, trial by combat is your only chance.”

bds9992: “Who’s coming?”

We hear a menacing growl and Lord ashamael and Lord benhoidal disappear with a loud pop. Growling at the bars of the cell, spittle flying through, is a massive wolf. bds9992 frantically backs away.

“Down Crunch. Come here boy.”

The wolf backs away from the bars, but its teeth are still barred. Behind him, a towering knight fully decked in armor apart from his helm emerges. It is Sir Garnett of House pexetera. He pets the wolf on the head and it rolls over. Sir Garnett starts rubbing its belly.

bds9992: “Wh… wh… what is that thing? It is far too big to be a wolf!”

Sir Garnett: “Crunch here is a legendary Timberwolf. Most tourney knights think they’re extinct. They never show up around tournament time, you see. I’ve had this one since it was just a pup and I was just a young boy. We’ve been through a lot together, me and Crunch. I had to leave him up north for a few winters while I fought in some tournaments with the Shamrock Knights, but I always knew I’d come back for him. I would never have finished my career as a knight without returning home.”

“Will you stop with all that soft, sentimental ****?!”

Footsteps sound down the hall and another knight emerges. This knight is also fully armored except for his helm. We see the distinctive low fade with short twists that can only belong to Sir Jimmy. He is carrying his sword in one hand and a whip in the other. Crunch the Timberwolf immediately gets to its feet and cowers behind Sir Garnett.

Sir Jimmy: “You're always coddling that damned wolf. When I lived up north we just had a big cat to play with. He would always try and act like a wolf, but he was too soft. Never thought you would be soft, Sir Garnett? Lord pexetera is always raving about how he likes your intensity so much more than that of Sir Barkley, and here I find you cuddling that damn wolf and playing nice with the prisoner.”

Sir Garnett: “Sir Jimmy. Why you demanded to leave the north, I will never know. It may be cold there, but it is home.”

Sir Jimmy: “Your home, maybe. If Maester Thibs had never tricked me, I would never have set foot in that cursed place. The prisoner is needed upstairs. His trial is about to take place.”

bds9992: “Please! I’m innocent. I would never have harmed the king. Please let me go!”

Sir Jimmy lets loose a maniacal laugh and cracks his whip against the floor. bds9992 flinches back and Crunch whimpers softly.

Sir Garnett takes out his keys and unlocks the gate. Together, he and Sir Jimmy get bds9992 to his feet. bds9992 looks up at Sir Garnett hopefully. “Do you think they will find me innocent?”

Sir Garnett looks down at bds9992 with pity in his eyes. “Anything is possible.” Our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

Next up, the trial of bds!

ahahahahahahHA!

For the record, bds92 was my first username. It's older than this one.

I haven't used it in years, except for that one (two?) times I tried to make peace with ash and Robert the Dusk. You can guess how that went

A bit of a Mr. Robot situation. bds92 IS the original; bds9992 is the impostor.

I really am LMAO. Nicely done ben

Good lord that is absolutely tremendous Ben. Easily my favorite one.

Game of Zones: Episode ??

LeBron decided to hold a players only meeting thirteen games into the season(s).

LBJ: "All right, listen, we've been doing really well, guys. Good job so far."
MC: "Then why are we having a players only meeting? Aren't these usually for planning a mutiny against the coach?"
LBJ: "That's not out of the realm of possibility - you know bds9992 is a damned fool - but no, we're in playoff position in four leagues. No time to make a big change like that."
DM: "I'm starting at small forward! Can you believe it?"
LBJ: "No, not really."

The others shake their damn heads.

LBJ: "No, see, what I wanted to talk about was Lord bds9992."
DF: "Firing him?"
LBJ: "No, no, not yet. He's acting a little weird."
ZB: "He is on trial, King James."
LBJ: "Yes, I know that. Could be general nerves, but he's been saying some very strange things on the sidelines."
DF: "Like that I should play more minutes? That's not strange at all."
LBJ: "No, not that."
MC: "Did he say that I should start on the weakest squad? Because I should."
LBJ: "Nope, not that, Maurice."
CW: "Then what did he say?"
LBJ: "He said 'I really don't feel like myself with all this winning.' Isn't it odd that we're winning and we're in the first tier of owners?"
DM: "Not at all! bds9992 is a fine lord, who makes apt decisions like starting me at small forward."
LBJ: "........right. Seriously, guys, how are we doing this? I have no idea how we're winning. Me and Maurice Cheeks starting doesn't make any sense."
MC: "I beg your pardon? I'm a world champion and a Hall of Famer."
LBJ: "Of course you are, Maurice."
ZB: "It's true. I was on the last tournament squad, and we were.......bad. I can't say I really like coming off the bench, but we're winning and I'm happy about that."
LBJ: "But what's with him saying 'I really don't feel like myself?'"
CC: "Maybe he's just pleasantly surprised with the results. Maybe he just wants to enjoy this after all the losing he's been through. It's not that complicated, right Marquese?"
MC: "Huh, what? Are we playing the Suns yet?"
LBJ: "Don't engage him, he doesn't know where he is on or off the court. 80 defense, seriously?"
DF: "I think bds9992 is just happy."
LBJ: "He doesn't look happy. Why wouldn't he be happy?"
ZB: "Probably the trial."
LBJ: "Nah, he's been through worse than this. He thinks he's got nothing to hide. It just doesn't make any sense."
CW: "LeBron, I hate to break it to you, but none of this 'makes sense.' bds is truly an odd duck. I'm coming off the bench at center when I could move up to small forward. Dan's STARTING at small forward."
DM: "A brilliant idea, right?"
CW: "Maurice is playing shooting guard for the first time in his life, with his 6.7 DReb%? There's no way we should be able to do any of this. Pretend it's March Madness or something. Weird **** happens in March Madness."
LBJ: "Dude, you literally didn't exist before a year and a half ago."
CW: "Maester Christie was telling me everything."
LBJ: "You guys seriously don't think there's anything to it? We need to have a strong season, and Blaze Wood Fired Meat Pies needs to have a strong season. Sea Jam 2 has to come out. It was supposed to come out six months ago, but, you know, the plague."
MC: "Ah, yeah, right, the plague. Pesky little thing, innit?"

The squad mumbles to themselves about the plague. Just then, a raven flies straight to the tower to deliver a message to LeBron. It reads:

MEET AT STAPLES CASTLE. TELL NO ONE. URGENT.
RW

LBJ: "I'm sorry, guys, would you excuse me? I......um.....have to fit in, not fit out. Be a part of something special!"
MC: "Huh?"
LBJ: "See you guys for the next game!"
CW: "Fit in? Fit out? What does that mean?"
ZB: "What does that mean?"
DF: "Probably some cryptic subraven. Who knows? He's a little weird."

A few hours later, King James sneaks into Staples Castle through the secret entrance, occasionally used to sneak Kobe into practice during the latter months of House Lakers' three-peat. LeBron then muscles his way past some inferior off-duty security guards named Beverley and Bradley and makes his way through the secret tunnel into House Clippers' locker room used to start the confrontation between House Rockets and House Clippers.

RW: "How did you know I would be here?"
LBJ: "Russell, come on. I know how mad you are that you didn't get to beat up Chris Paul during House Rockets' raid."
RW: "Haven't slept in years. Soon I'll show him who the best point guard in the realm is. Maybe in a Game 7. I'm sure I'll shoot very efficiently and my defensive play will be the reason for our victory."
LBJ: "No doubt. So what did you want to talk to me about?"
RW: "Look, there's something you need to know about Lord bds9992. He is an impostor."
LBJ: "I KNEW IT! I knew this start was too good to be true. Someone else drafted for him! That's why we're actually good."
RW: "Or it could be because of me. I am averaging a 40 point triple double per 48 minutes in some leagues."
LBJ: "I'm pretty sure that's not the reason, Russell."
RW: "Pretty sure it is."
LBJ: "Like our lord says, agree to disagree."
RW: "You just want the last word, don't you?"
LBJ: "Yes, always."
RW: "Well, anyway, no, Lord bds did draft our squad. I saw him in the war room during the draft. He was furiously putting quill to parchment about 'points per possession' or some other nonsense."
LBJ: "So when did he start impersonating Lord bds9992, and why?"
RW: "A couple of things. First, I'm not entirely sure he's impersonating Lord bds9992. Second, I'm not sure when this started, but I did speak to a certain Lord about this and it is true. Lastly, there was some sort of dustup between our lord and whoever he decided to impersonate. He killed that lord and assumed his identity."
LBJ: "So he IS guilty! Unbelievable. We must go to Maester Windhorst immediately!"
RW: "LeBron, are you insane? We're winning, AND Blaze Wood Fired Meat Pies is having a great season! Who will want to see Sea Jam 2 if you have been cavorting with a murderer this whole time?"
LBJ: "Drat, you're right. They'll assume I knew because they think I know everything."
RW: "Right. So we have to keep this a secret, just between us."
LBJ: "So what do we do?"
RW: "We pretend like nothing has happened. Keep winning, pretend like Dan Majerle playing small forward is normal, that nothing's wrong."
LBJ: "Right, right. And what do we do about Lord bds9992, or whoever he is?"
RW: "Well, we'll go the trial. It should be interesting to see if anyone can identify him, if he dies, lives, whatever the case may be. I think there could be some value. We'll act like we're 'supporting' Lord bds9992, but in reality we'll be trying to figure out who he really is."
LBJ: "Why would anyone want to continue assuming the identity of the most ridiculed lord of the last five years?"
RW: "That, we'll have to find out. For now, we must prepare for our next battle."
LBJ: "On three! 1, 2, 3, THE LAND!"
RW: "What? The land?"
LBJ: "Oh, sorry, wrong team. What's our battle cry again?"
RW: "Post hoc ergo propter hoc?"
LBJ: "Yeah, right, we're not doing that one. Let's go get ready for battle."
RW: "Here's to whatever comes, LeBron. Very happy to be your backup."
LBJ: "You're the best backup a point guard could ask for."
RW: "Don't push it."

GAME OF ZONES

Ha! Nicely done, bds. (subraven??)

I do like this crowd. Have a marvelous, safe, slightly mischievous weekend, y'all.

Posted by longtallbrad on 9/4/2020 3:05:00 PM (view original):
Ha! Nicely done, bds. (subraven??)

I do like this crowd. Have a marvelous, safe, slightly mischievous weekend, y'all.

Subtweet. Cryptic social media post

Deleted Scene from Episode 12

bds9992 wakes up in a cold sweat in his cell.

The air shimmers, and bds92 appears.

bds9992: Woah.......WOAH! You again? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
bds92: I'm you, remember?
bds9992: Right.......WOAH! THAT'S AWESOME!
bds92: Pretty sick, right?
bds9992: You want to eat ten sugar cookies and listen to Busta Rhymes 'til 4 AM?
bds92: You know I do. My dude!
bds9992: Hell yeah, this is awesome! This is the best imprisonment ever!
bds92: This is dope dude. Let's just hang out for like a hundred years.
bds9992: SICK! But wait, don't I have to be tried for murder?
bds92: Yeah, you do.
bds9992: Oh gods......oh gods. What am I gonna do? The Hand is against me?
bds92: I didn't say that. I just said he's not who he seems.
bds9992: Is that a Twin Peaks reference?
bds92: You're going to ask for a trial by combat.
bds9992: BY COMBAT? Are you insane? I'm terrible at combat!
bds92: C'mon, you're not that bad at it. You're fourth in the tournament, aren't you?
bds9992: This is true. (Author's note: this is true)
bds92: So what are you so afraid of?
bds9992: I don't know! Dying, for one!
bds92: And what's so bad about that?
bds9992: Dude, what? What's so bad about dying?! I don't get to play trombone anymore, that's what!
bds92: That would suck.
bds9992: Also, I never get to find out what happens with my Pau Gasol at small forward experiment that I've been wanting to do for five years! I just blew the 52 million dollar tournament because I went for Webber and Mason instead of Mason and Buddy Hield or whatever, I don't know! That was supposed to work! I didn't poison anyone! You believe me, right?
bds92: Dude, I know. You didn't poison anyone.
bds9992: I didn't! And what, I'm going to risk my life over pride? I don't have any pride!
bds92: I know, I know, it's not particularly intuitive. Trust me on this.
bds9992: I just wanted to be good at this stupid game, not talk to Ashamael and Robert the Dusk! Who cares about them? They're good at a stupid game that we've all spend thousands of dollars on, so what? It's just a game!
bds92: Then why are you in here?
bds9992: I don't know!!!!!! I think I'm being written into this story for some reason!
bds92: Well, then, let's try to control it.
bds9992: What are you talking about?!?!?!?!?!?
bds92: Try to control your mind.
bds9992: Oh.......oh, OK.
bds92: Control your mind. What do you see?
bds9992: Darkness.
bds92: Yeah, no, behind that.
bds9992: Ummm.......Sam Cooke live at the Copa?
bds92: Behind that.
bds9992: Uhhhh.......Steve Nash highlights?
bds92: Behind that.
bds9992: Oh.......ok, OK.......uhhhhh.......the beginning.
bds92: Go on.
bds9992: It's me, but I'm younger. 16 years old.
bds92: Go on.
bds9992: I was messing around with different fantasy basketball websites. I think I stumbled on MSN somehow, then Fox, and then this thing called "whatifsports.com" is at the bottom. Says you can simulate teams using any player from any season.
bds92: Right up your alley, right?
bds9992; I......I didn't have time to figure it out. I just want to jump in. I was so excited.
bds92: Go on.
bds9992: The next thing I know, I had Larry Bird, George Gervin and Ralph Sampson playing together.
bds92: You were 2-41.
bds9992: Right. Somebody told me to check out the "Usage Scroll."
bds92: All the way back in 2009.
bds9992: Right. So I did.
bds92: You remember the author?
bds9992: I do. Yes, it was ......
bds92: It was Hoidal.
bds9992: IT WAS HOIDAL?
bds92: No, sorry, just messing with you. It was Ashamael.
bds9992: Oh, yeah! Right!
bds92: Then you took a few years off.
bds9992: I disappeared for a while and came back to the ODL.
bds92: You drafted Penny and Terry Porter in the first two rounds.
bds9992: Not such a bad idea, right?
bds92: Not so bad.
bds9992: I made one playoff appearance.
bds92: Two. There was that one time with Sir Giannis.
bds9992: Right. You sure I actually made it?
bds92: I........don't remember, to be honest. Maybe it was only one playoff appearance.
bds9992: Oh, OK.
bds92: And then what?
bds9992: Losing, so much losing.
bds92: Does it feel real?
bds9992: It feels real.
bds92: But it's not, is it?
bds9992: No, it's just a dream.
bds92: You haven't had any water in a long time.
bds9992: I'm dehydrated.
bds92: That's right.
bds9992: It was all just a bad dream?
bds92: Yes, that's right.
bds9992: It was all just a dream. The blocks, the sitemails, the alias.
bds92: That's right. Are you feeling tired?
bds9992: I'm feeling tired, all of a sudden.
bds92: Go to sleep, bds. Go to sleep. You've got a long trial ahead of you.

bds9992 falls asleep.





bds92: He's asleep. Guards?


GAME OF ZONES

Ben, that was remarkable. Maybe your best work thus far! So many great lines and moments. Wow!

This part really cracked me up... so many quotable things, but this one... this one really, really got me.

bds9992: “Aren’t you two supposed to disagree on everything?”

Lord benhoidal: “Actually, ash and I agree on almost everything.”

Lord ashamael: “No, we are very different. Just look at our different colored robes!”

Lord benhoidal reaches around bds9992’s neck and lifts the bottom of Lord ashamael’s white cloak to reveal the robes of a red priest underneath. “You just took that white cloak from one of your players, didn’t you?”

Nice job ben!