Season 2 - Episode 7: Tourney Day
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.
Scene opens to a horde of knights on horses surrounding the Hand of the King, Lord dh555. All of the knights ride up to hear what he has to say. Behind him stands the Kingsguard, the seven knights who were sworn to protect King Kinoa and will be sworn to the next king. One knight looms larger than the rest.
We zoom in on Sir LeBron who is riding a beautiful white stallion. Behind him, Sir Anthony of Brow rides up to his side.
Sir Anthony: “They say that’s the Mountain who Rides, the Breaker of Backboards, Sir Shaq.”
Sir LeBron: “Apparently, the Kingsguard will be fighting in this tourney as well. Not that it matters. If I had been among them, the King would still be alive.”
We cut to the center of the Sept of Baylor the Bricklayer where Sir Shaq is standing vigil next to the bier of the late King Kinoa. We zoom in on Sir Shaq who is staring intensely at the coffin. We hear Sir Shaq’s voice, though he does not move his lips.
{Things will never be the same as in the SAVAGE War when I rode out with my brothers in your name. Oh, Sir Clyde, Sir Bobby, how I miss them. Even Sir Kyrie, and his crazy theories about the world being flat and dragons existing. Ha!}
The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 7: Tourney Day
Scene opens to Sir Kyrie, formerly of the kingsguard. He is dressed in shiny new white armor and is fighting a massive emerald dragon with enormous wings. The dragon opens his mouth and a river of fire pours out. Sir Kyrie leaps high above the dragon’s head, higher than should be possible. After a series of fancy swordplay that doesn’t seem to do anything, we cut to Sir Kyrie riding the dragon. We hear a shout from below, and Sir Kyrie steers the dragon into a steep dive. A beautiful maiden has fallen off the edge of the world! Sir Kyrie reaches out, but can’t quite reach her outstretched hand. His arm starts to grow, extending outward farther and farther until finally it wraps around the maiden and lifts her onto the dragon’s back. Sir Kyrie pulls on the reins and they pull out of the dive at the last second. We cut to the Sept of Baylor the Bricklayer where Sir Kyrie and the maiden are getting married. The dragon behind them is officiating. “I vow to hold on to you like Sir Kobe holds onto his sword. I will love you like Sir Melo loves using contested midrange sword thrusts. I promise to be as loyal to you as Sir Duncan was to House Spurs. I vow to provide for you like Sir Stockton or Sir Nash provided extra swords for Sir Malone and Sir Amare. I will protect you like Sir Rudy protects his castle. I promise to give you as many sons and daughters as Sir Kemp has given.” We cut to Sir Kyrie ascending the throne as King after winning the Hand’s tournament, not for his lord Sir ashamael, but for himself. The dragon is there, holding a crown out over Sir Kyrie’s head, and it opens its mouth to say, “All Hail King Kyrie! The greatest artist with a blade this realm has ever known!” The crowd is full of adoring fans all shouting, “Kyrie! Kyrie! Kyrie!”
“Kyrie! Kyrie! Kyrie!”
Sir Kyrie opens his eyes and we find him lying on a modest bed made of blankets in a spacious tent. The tent is adorned with the purple and light blue colors of House ashamael. Standing over Sir Kyrie is Sir Clyde who is wearing an exotic fur pelt over his armor. His helm has a specially made wide brim on it, and his smile is stretching from ear to ear.
Sir Clyde: “Sir Kyrie! Today is tourney day!”
Sir Kyrie: “Sir Clyde, how many times do I have to tell you not to wake me when I’m dreaming?”
Sir Clyde: “I know, I know, but today is tourney day! We have our first bout this morning, a chance to win glory for our new lord!”
Sir Kyrie: “I thought you loved our old lord, King Kinoa?”
Sir Clyde: “It was a great honor to serve King Kinoa, the greatest king the SAVAGE LANDS have ever known. But I am most delighted to fight for Lord ashamael. He is so clever!”
Sir Kyrie: “Why do you think that? He basically just copied King Kinoa’s Kingsguard in the draft?”
Sir Clyde: “I know! How brilliant! We are all such great compliments to Lord Commander Shaq! We all fit around him so perfectly! I am so thrilled to be fighting by his side once again. I can’t imagine fighting with a different leader.”
Sir Kyrie: “I can. I hate having to adjust my swordplay to fit in with Sir Shaq.”
Sir Clyde: “Come Sir Kyrie. Let’s get you fitted in your armor. I have some fascinating furs I can furbish you with.”
Sir Kyrie gets out of bed and follows Sir Clyde out of their tent and to another larger tent. They walk in and see that the rest of House ashamael is getting ready for the tourney. Sir Kemba is sharpening his sword. Sir Bridges is polishing his shield. Sir JaVale is putting on his armor backwards.
Sir Clyde: “The gang is back together! Guys, I can’t wait to fight alongside you once more. Together with Sir Shaq, we are sure to rule the SAVAGE LANDS once more as the Kingsguard to our new Lord ashamael! Where is the fearsome Lord Commander anyways?”
Sir JaVale: “I saw him and Lord ashamael walk out to the godswood together. I can lead you there if you’d like?”
Sir Kyrie: “I’ll lead, I don’t like to follow.”
Sir Clyde and Sir JaVale follow Sir Kyrie to the godswood. Colossal trees of maple tower over them as they walk along. Sir Kyrie wanders off the beaten path, but Sir Clyde and Sir JaVale follow it through the trees without him.
Sir JaVale: “These are the trees that are used to construct the floors for the courtyards we will be fighting on in the tournament. Sometimes, I swear I can see the faces of the Old Gods of the SIM in the trees themselves.”
Sir Clyde: “Do you come through here to pray often?”
Sir JaVale: “Oh yes. I come here every day and every night to pray to the Old Gods of the Sim. They are crueler and harsher than your holy seven, more numerous. They are all old friends of mine.”
Sir Clyde: “And what do you pray for when you are here in the godswood?”
Sir JaVale: “Many things. I pray for luck in the tournament today. I pray for the lords and ladies of the realm to laugh at someone else for once. Most of all, I pray for the Lord Commander to be traded.”
Sir Clyde stops in his tracks, an astonished expression on his face. “You what? How could you wish for such a thing? The Lord Commander led us through the SAVAGE War. He led us to glory and fame. Under his command, we rose to the highest stations in the land. How could you want him gone?”
Sir JaVale turns back to look Sir Clyde in the eyes. “Sir Shaq is the meanest knight in all the realm. Every time I put on my armor backwards or grabbed a wooden sword instead of iron, it was always ‘Mmblmvrm’ this and ‘Plmblrbmbl” that. He would point and laugh every time I did something wrong. It got to the point where I was so afraid to do anything. So I came here and prayed instead. Today it seems that my prayers have finally been answered.”
Sir Clyde: “Wh… What ever do you mean?”
Sir JaVale turns back around and pushes through some branches and into a clearing. An enormous bone white weirwood tree with blood red leaves stands in the center of the clearing. A face is carved in the bark. Lounging against the trunk of the great tree is a tall knight decked in the purple and light blue armor of House ashamael. He is wearing a large great helm and has a gigantic longsword strapped to his back.
Sir Clyde rushes over to the knight. “Sir Shaq, Lord Commander, I am so relieved to find you here. I am thrilled to fight alongside you once more. Wait, where are your four rings? The ones you won in tourneys of yore? You aren’t wearing any of them!”
The knight reaches up to remove his helm. As he does, a loud sound emits from the knight’s backside. The face under the helm becomes clear.
Sir Clyde: “You are not my Lord Commander!”
Sir Dwight pulls out a red cape with a yellow S on the back and puts it on over his armor. He gives Sir Clyde his cheesiest smile.
Sir Dwight: “Sir Shaq has been traded. The real Superknight is on your team now.”
We zoom in on Sir Clyde’s horrified face as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.