I’m kicking around a Tom Rinaldi parody in my head for this.

Posted by ashamael on 6/28/2020 2:08:00 PM (view original):

Posted by benhoidal on 6/28/2020 12:05:00 PM (view original):
Probably won’t finish today. dB is under the weather and I have writer’s block. Might release what we have for the first round later tonight as a preview. In the mean time, check out the intro to episode 7.

Are these gonna be journalistic ie both sides of the story? Because the Sim Devil episode could get VERY interesting if so!

Yes! Don’t know when I’ll get to that episode, but at some point I’ll be asking different owners for contributions on that one. I’ll be asking for the spiciest takes and I won’t hold grudges. Bring it!

Posted by robusk on 6/28/2020 7:42:00 PM (view original):
I’m kicking around a Tom Rinaldi parody in my head for this.

Any and all contributions are appreciated!

Posted by benhoidal on 6/28/2020 7:52:00 PM (view original):

Posted by ashamael on 6/28/2020 2:08:00 PM (view original):

Posted by benhoidal on 6/28/2020 12:05:00 PM (view original):
Probably won’t finish today. dB is under the weather and I have writer’s block. Might release what we have for the first round later tonight as a preview. In the mean time, check out the intro to episode 7.

Are these gonna be journalistic ie both sides of the story? Because the Sim Devil episode could get VERY interesting if so!

Yes! Don’t know when I’ll get to that episode, but at some point I’ll be asking different owners for contributions on that one. I’ll be asking for the spiciest takes and I won’t hold grudges. Bring it!

Also, you’ll get full editorial approval over your episode. Won’t be starting that one for a while, and you’ll have to supply a lot of the material if you want it in there.

I wasn’t around for most of this but A: I can’t wait for that to happen and B: wow, is it hard to walk with those balls of steel?

Major preview of episode 12 coming as soon as I get my daughter to sleep.

[6:00-7:50]

The camera pans to the front of the room and starts zooming in on the television screen where we can see Sage Steele, Skip Bayless, and Stephen A. Smith. The television screen fills our image until we are inside the Barclays Center and at the table with them.

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Sage Steele: “Skip, how do you feel about the rule banning the three top players in this format, LeBron James, Wilt Chamberlain, and Steph Curry?”

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Skip slowly shakes his head: “LeBron is not a top five player in this league. He’s no Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan should be banned”

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Sage Steele: “Some are saying that LeBron, not Michael Jordan, is the best player of all-time. Ste…”

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Stephen A. Smith: “DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT LEBRON EVER BEING BETTER THAN MJ… EVER!!!”

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We overhear Bill Simmons from the next table over and the camera moves along.

Bill Simmons: “I just don’t understand why Bill Russell isn’t banned in this draft, yet Wilt is. Bill beat him every time. My dad would have him at this spot. He’s the second best player ever!”

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Magic Johnson: “I don’t know why Steph Curry is banned and not me, but I’m glad. I already lost 5 years off my career. I don’t need to lose another 5!”

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Jalen Rose: “You got to give the peopllllllllleeeeee, give the peoplllleee what they waaaaaant. And the people wanted those three banned. Would I have done it? Probably not. Those aren’t the three best players ever, but it looks like a couple of them were champaigning and campaigning to get on that list so they didn’t have to play, and I can’t hate on that.”

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Next we are over at the TNT table and Barkley is giving his analysis.

Charles Barkley: “I pick Allen Iverson with the number one pick!”

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Ernie Johnson: “Charles, you don’t actually have the number one pick. I’m asking who you would pick.”

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Charles Barkley: “I told you, I picked Allen Iverson! It’s a big man’s league, you gotta get a point guard!”

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At the bottom of the screen, there is a tracker that is scrolling through various tweets:

24kpyrite: I had a nightmare last night I got the #1 pick and chose the wrong guy.

Shea Serrano: FDTAAWSWH. If you know, you know.

bds9992: I haven’t been this excited in a long time!

Adrian Wojnarowski: The Philadelphia 555’ers will be taking Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the 1st pick.

jhsukow: To me, having the 15th pick (the worst pick?) feels good. Nice to have a built in excuse.

Zach Lowe: Two guys I can see going number 1 here.

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Charles Barkley: “So explain to me how this is fair and how the teams picking later are supposed to have a chance over the guys picking Kareem and Jordan and you know, me.”

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Ernie Johnson: “Well it’s a Snake draft, Charles”

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Charles Barkley: “What’s that mean? Kevin Durant is going #1?”

[7:50-9:30]

Right then, there is a huge roar of applause and the camera swivels to the stage where we see Adam Silver walking to the podium. A logo very similar to the Philadelphia 76’ers logo, except with a 555 instead of the 76, is showing on a video screen behind him.

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Off screen we hear Bill Simmons: “Here we go!”

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Adam Silver: “With the first pick, in the 1st ever SAVAGE draft, (pause for effect), dh555 selects… Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.”

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Kareem walks across the stage to shake hands with Adam Silver. The camera pans through the crowd, focusing on a very happy and toothy Jack Nicholson.

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Twitter tracker at the bottom of the screen:

Shams Charnia: Sources tell me that Kareem’s value skyrocketed with all of the avant garde jazz analytics being used in this league.

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Camera pans to Bill, Jalen, and Magic.

Bill Simmons: “Interesting question here: if they selected Kareem, do they also get to use Lew Alcindor?’

Jalen Rose: “What about Roger Murdock?”

Bill Simmons: “Alright let’s kick it over to Doris”

Jalen Rose: “You know? From Airplane!”

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Cut to Doris Burke in the War Room. She is interviewing dh555 and just asked for his thought process going into the pick.

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dh555: “Three guys I was considering for the top pick...one I've been using for the past 20 seasons in the tepl and the other guy I just plain don’t like in rl...so let’s go with the guy I can’t seem to win with in the odl, no cap now!”

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Doris Burke: “Thanks for your time DH and good luck. Guys, what do you think about that? Is Kareem the right pick here?”

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Ernie Johnson: “I’m not quite...sure what that means…? What’s a tepl?”

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Charles Barkley: “Sounds like some dumb nerd stuff, but look: Kareem is a classic center, this is a great pick, you can’t win sim leagues with a jump shooting team, there’s only one other guy I would’ve went with here.”

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Shaquille O’Neal: “Me?”

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Charles Barkley: “Me, numbnuts.”

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Shaq: “Why? So they can lose? Rings, Chuck. You don’t know what you talking about. “

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Charles: “Only God’s an expert, Shaq. You’re not right just because you’re yelling.”

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Shaq: “No, I’m right, because I’m right”

[9:30-10:30]

The camera cuts to the green room where Michael Jordan is staring daggers out the door at Kareem, not blinking. Kareem declines to be interviewed, instead just raising a black power fist. The camera continues to take in things happening in the green room as the narrator starts to voice-over the footage.

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Narrator: “The green room is tense. Huge egos abound. Hundreds of the best basketball players ever. All in their absolute physical prime.”

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The camera cuts over to Alex Carruso. Next to him Craig Sager is interviewing Kawhi Leonard.

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Craig Sager: “Kawhi, how do you feel about the league deciding to let robots play in the league for the first time ever?”

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Kawhi blinks and scratches the back of his head awkwardly.

Rudy Gobert walks up and touches Sager’s microphone dramatically.

Lavar Ball hijacks the interview to yell about how one of his sons should have been #1.

Bill Walton is taking bong hits in the corner with Joakim Noah.

Caron Butler is chugging a 2-liter of Mountain Dew.

Latrell Sprewell is complaining about his WIS-assigned salary: “I can’t feed my family on this!”

Zion is asleep in his chair.

[10:30-13:30]

On the left of our screen, a box appears with 24 lines on it, and the rest of the first round picks start to fill it. At various points, the graphic pauses and we catch various clips and soundbites from the draft itself. At other points, the graphic fills in more quickly.

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Narrator: “Kareem was not the only pick that inspired heated discussion. After Michael Jordan and Karl Malone were taken with the 2nd and 3rd picks, kinoa1 took Shaquille O’Neal, bringing forth a number of owners and commentators who claimed to have Shaq Daddy as either number one or two on their big boards. Other picks were just as heated.”

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The camera pans to Shaq and Barkley after Shaq gets picked. Shaq has a **** eating grin on his face, and Barkley is shaking his head. A younger Shaq wearing a Superman tie is seen strutting across the stage to shake hands with Adam Silver. On his way back to the green room, he spots a young Dwight Howard wearing a Superman tie and quips “Oh, I see they already started bringing in our clones”

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Over the next few minutes, we hear various commentators give opinions on the first round picks as they walk across the stage to shake Adam Silvers hand.

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Zach Lowe: “The position effectiveness of Shaq and Kareem is annoying, but not enough to bump those guys from the top two spots. I would've taken Lebron over either, because he's the ultimate flexibility king. He would've been the #1 overall pick if he wasn't blacklisted. I probably would have gone Wilt second, but with those two gone, these were the obvious picks.”

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Nate Duncan: “Shaq vs. Kareem. Do you go with a paint monster with turnover superiority or extra minutes and defense. It’s honestly 6 of one, half dozen of the other. They were more like my 1a & 1b than 1 & 2. Kareem has more top seasons to choose from, but Shaq’s top seasons are. Just. So. Good.”

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Chris Paul is seen shaking Adam Silver’s hand.

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Ben Taylor: “CP3 is no doubt the top PG in this format. Not even close in my opinion. No better combination of ast%, low tov%, defense, reb%, with solid usg+efg combo for five seasons overall. That tov% is the difference maker.”

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Adam Silver says the name “Kevin Durant” and cupcakes get thrown onto the stage. Offstage, Kevin Durant looks distracted by his phone. Back in his studio, Colin Cowherd is bewilderedly yelling at Michelle Beadle.

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Colin Cowherd: “Larry Bird is faster than Kevin Durant, quicker than Durant, and can jump higher. There is no argument for Durant over Bird. Larry Bird is the number one small forward. It’s all over. Couldn’t bench a buck-85.”

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Tweets continue to appear on the tracker at the bottom of the screen from various owners, reporters, and fans:

Steven A. Smith: I CAN’T BELIEVE KEVIN DURANT WENT THIS EARLY! THIS IS PRE-POSTEROUS!

bds9992: I can win this. I can win this. I always say it, but this time's for real. It's gonna happen this time.

@KDTrey5: Kevin Durant absolutely should have gone this high or higher! He never won a ring in OKC because he was being held back by absolute bums and Billy Donovan was a trash coach who didn’t run plays for him.

kinoa1: Shaq was #1 on my board. Happy to get him at #4.

24kpyrite: I feared the PG position going into the draft. Once I saw my draft position, I knew CP3 was the pick.

Nate Duncan: Barkley is insanely good in this format. pexetera gets a steal at 11.

robusk: So close I could almost hold him in my hands! I traded up overcome with ambition that Barkley would fall to me. Alas, it was not to be.

Zach Lowe: I think the two best value picks so far are Shaq #4 and Bird #14.

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Narrator: “One player was conspicuously absent when his name was called.”

Adam Silver is seen saying James Harden’s name over and over.

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Bill Simmons: “Doris, can you show us what’s happening in the green room right now? Where is James Harden? … Doris…? Doris…? Well, that pick was the biggest boner I’ve ever seen! I know he has been successful in a lot of leagues lately, but Bill Russell is a no-brainer here.”

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Bill Walton is seen in the war room interviewing dBKC.

dBKC: “Can’t believe I really just drafted James Harden, but he ranked out as the best available player on my board. Look, I know normally a Harden team would only be good for 30 wins, but do the math: 5 Harden teams could be good for 150 wins!”

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Bill Walton: “Maybe if he had gone to UCLA, you could get to 200. Hey Brad, guess what…?”

[13:30-16:45]

A hush falls over the crowd. Then, whispers. The volume crescendos slowly until the noise is deafening. The camera pans over a variety of television booths, and we start to get an idea why the crowd is so excited.

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At the TNT booth, Charles is slamming churros as Kenny asks Shaq about the end of the round.

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Shaq: “This is where the excitement begins. Ash and Ben pick twice each in the next 4 picks. There’s one guy I would absolutely go for here, but I’m not sure he’s the best pick.”

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Kenny Smith: “I’m terrified for the other owners right now. Might as well just scratch the top four off their big boards.”

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Charles Barkley: “What’s a big board?”

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As Adam Silver walks up to the podium, we barely hear a voice over the noise of the crowd.

Bill Simmons: “This pick will tell me a lot. No clear choice on my board.”

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The crowd momentarily hushes as Adam Silver starts to speak.

Adam Silver: “With the 23rd pick in the SAVAGE draft… ashamael selects… Klay Thompson.”

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There are a few murmurs in the crowd. Clearly the fans don’t know what to think.

In the bottom right of our screen, a video box appears and we see Nate Duncan and Danny Larue live from their Civic.

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Danny Larue: “Klay is a very interesting pick. I like it, I just didn’t expect it. Makes sense though, he’s got 5 good seasons and is great at what he does.”

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Nate Duncan: “Yeah, I’m just not a huge fan of this pick. Klay is a great 2nd guy and if I was pairing him with Shaq or Kareem, someone like that, I’d be feeling really good, but as your alpha guy, this isn’t a pick I would do.”

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The video box widens to fill the screen and the image is replaced by the ESPN studio where Rachel Nichols has just asked Zach Lowe what he thinks of the pick.

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Zach Lowe: “Klay is the best high usage, high efg% guy left that I see, has good to great defense, low tov%, and is unparalleled from distance in this format. Low boards and dimes, but he’s really good.”

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The camera zooms out until we are out of the TV and showing the studio. We pan over to the TNT booth. We focus on Charles Barkley. Next to him Shaq is trying to figure out why it takes longer to fly to the moon than to California, even though he can see the moon out his window.

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Charles Barkley: “You can’t win in this league with a jump shooting team. Klay gives you **** rebounds and **** dimes.”

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The image fades and we are in the war room where a slightly disheveled looking Doris Burke is interviewing ashamael.

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Doris Burke: “Ash, that was a bold pick taking Klay Thompson at 23. How do you like your chances right now? Any worries that benhoidal is going to take your next guy with one of his two picks?”

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ashamael: “I'm going to win the 'ship in every league. I feel…”

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Offscreen we hear Adam Silver’s voice: “With the 24th and 25th picks in the SAVAGE draft… benhoidal selects... Hakeem Olajuwon and Julius Erving.”

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Bill Simmons voice from somewhere: “Woah!”

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Doris Burke: “Sorry Ash, gotta go, be back in a few.”

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Narrator: “benhoidal shocks the world with two picks that generated more comments than any others. The reactions were all over the board.”

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Various clips flood the screen, stacking on top of each other in a collage:

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Nate Duncan: “Danny, what do you think about the pick here?”

Danny Larue: “Wow! I love it! Hakeem and Dr. J are both great in this format”

Nate Duncan: “What about you Ben, did you see benhoidal being the owner to employ the elite D strategy?”

Ben Taylor: “Ben seems like a plausible candidate for it. In draft leagues he never seems to be set in a particular mold. He has tried some pretty wild swings in the ODL.”

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Zach Lowe: “Yeah, i don’t know what i expected from Ben at the turn, but that wasn’t it.”

Camera pans to Brian Windhorst sweating profusely. He is speechless.

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Charles Barkley: “I could not have been more shocked by these selections.”

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Stephen A. SMITH: “WOW. DID NOT SEE BEN GOING IN THAT DIRECTION!”

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benhoidal being interviewed by Doris Burke: “Any other direction I thought to go in I was just going to be doing the same things as the top few guys, just with worse players. Zig when everyone else zags.”

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Cut to Marv Albert: “Ben drafts Kyrie Irving in the first round! Wow!”

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The ticker at the bottom of the screen reads: 26th pick: ashamael - Oscar Robertson.

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More video clips flood the screen:

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Ernie Johnson: “Great picks as expected from Ben and Ash.”

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Colin Cowherd: “Hakeem and Dr.J were both clear top choices at that draft spot. Klay and Oscar? Oh hell, no. Not in my strategy book.”

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Twitter tracker at the bottom of the screen:

Charles Barkley: It's been YEARS since I spent this much time thinking about basketball on a weekend.

Bill Simmons: I am loving this so much !!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all you guys get tonight, but dB and I have plenty more where that came from.


What parts do you like?
What parts need work?

I find a quote of mine being attributed to Ben Taylor to be the greatest honor I have received on this site.

Cowherd being a closest racist and all around dumbass is a nice touch.

Bill Simmons is not nearly annoying enough.

Cutting the owner commentary is really well done.

Nothing needs work, it's all great stuff. It can only get even better with more input. I like the juxtaposition between real life and sim choices. I like the inclusion of various TV and radio personalities expressing the opinions of WIS owners as their own. How did I get to be Colin Cowherd?

Edit:
Colin Cowherd is bewilderedly yelling at Michelle Beadle for not being invited to her birthday party. "She invited Simmons cause he's a booger-eating pro-wrestling fan. How does Simmons get an invitation and I don't get one? You want my email address to send me an invitation? It's [email protected]"

Posted by robusk on 6/28/2020 10:16:00 PM (view original):
I find a quote of mine being attributed to Ben Taylor to be the greatest honor I have received on this site.

Cowherd being a closest racist and all around dumbass is a nice touch.

Bill Simmons is not nearly annoying enough.

Cutting the owner commentary is really well done.

Feel free to add any Bill Simmons commentary (Or any other)!