Season 2 - Episode 13: The Trial of bds9992
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.
Scene opens to a great feast. On the ground dead are Lords samuelyork93 and copernicus. Sir Kareem, Captain of the gold cloaks, is pointing his finger at bds9992 who is holding a pitcher of wine in his hands and staring at it in utter disbelief and horror.
Sir Kareem: “Knights, this man has committed the murder of two lords and a king. And worse, he has committed SIM malpractice, disorderly drafting, and hasn’t won a single tournament in 12 years. Arrest him!”
Cut to a dark and grimy dungeon cell where we see bds9992 talking to bds92.
bds92: I have written to Lords amerk and cmcafeeky. They defended you during the selection process when you took Sir Westbrook. They are your only chance. I have managed to get both of them as judges in your trial.”
bds9992: “Who else will be there to judge me?”
bds92: “I have heard that the Hand has appointed Lord robusk as lead referee. He is viewed as the most impartial, only caring about the facts. As to the other judges, I believe that the Lord Hand will be there himself along with lords benhoidal and dBKC. There are also rumors that the ancient Grand Maester Seble will be the seventh judge.”
bds9992: “As long as Lord ashamael isn’t there, I should be fine.”
Cut to Lord ashamael who has appeared in bds9992’s vision as an angel sitting on his shoulder, and Lord benhoidal who is on the other shoulder as a devil.
Lord ashamael: “Demand a trial by combat.”
bds9992: “But I’ve never won a battle!”
Lord ashamael: “You have the greatest knight in the realm, Sir LeBron, in your service. Name him your champion.”
Lord benhoidal: “Trial by combat is your only chance. I have seen your trial in my flames. It will not end well.”
bds9992: “But I am innocent! Surely they won’t condemn an innocent man!”
The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 13: The Trial of bds9992
Scene opens to the throne room where next to the empty throne, seven grand chairs have been set. The middle chair is occupied by Lord robusk. On his right sits Lord dh555 and next to him, Lord benhoidal. On the far end sits the decrepit form of Grand Maester Seble. To Lord robusk’s left is an empty chair. Next to it sits Lord amerk and Lord cmcafeeky. A few meters in front of the judges is a wooden box, open at the back, for the defendant. Behind it is a long aisle ending in two giant ornate doors. To each side of the courtroom the high born lords and ladies of the realm sit, eagerly awaiting events to unfold. Amongst them, Dame the Bard is playing his violin and entertaining the crowd.
“Sir Michael of Jordan was holding court,
For all Lord tarheel’s men.
But when they questioned his leadership,
He beat them again and again.”
The great doors at the end of the hall open and bds9992 is led down the aisle by Sir Garnett and Sir Jimmy. Someone from the crowd yells out, “Kingslayer!” They reach the front of the throne room and Sir Jimmy pushes bds9992 into the defendant’s box. Sir Garnett removes the shackles from his wrist.
bds9992 points at the empty chair. “Where is Lord dBKC? I was told he would be among the Seven? He’s the only one of you who has ever been nice to me!”
Lord robusk: “He asked to be excused. I believe he said it was his motherf*cking birthday. He will be replaced by Lord ashamael.”
The crowd starts to murmur and bds9992’s face goes bone white as he turns his head and we see Lord ashamael slink down the aisle. As he passes bds9992, he smirks quickly before taking his seat beside Lord robusk.
Lord robusk begins to speak and the crowd hushes. “bds9992, you stand accused of regicide. Worse than that, you have been accused of committing SIM malpractice, disorderly drafting, and never winning a single tournament in 12 years. Did you kill King Kinoa, 1st of his name?”
bds9992 shakes his head: “No. I did not. Before we start this trial thing, can I just establish some ground rules?”
Lord robusk: “You want to set rules for the trail? No. You obviously don’t get to set the rules. We will follow the rules of the seven gods of the SIM: Randomness…” The camera quickly pans over to Grand Maester Seble. “Probability…” The camera swings back to Lord robusk. “Chaos…” We pan to Lord cmcafeeky. “Usage…” We see Lord ashamael. “Disorder…” Lord dh555, Hand of the King and instigator of the SAVAGE War is shown. “Efficiency…” The camera shows Lord benhoidal. “And Self-Loathing.” The camera lingers on Lord amerk before swinging back to Lord robusk. “Each judge will ask you a set of questions and then we will decide your fate. We will start with Grand Maester Seble.”
Grand Maester Seble feebly stands. He slowly raises an arm and points at bds9992. “You are the one who questions the holy scripture, yes? Every other lord pays heed to the scroll I transcribed from the gods. The one I called the FAQ. Yet you make a mockery of it. Playing knights out of position, mismanaging minutes, refusing to train your knights in the advanced attacks. Have you even read the scripture?”
bds9992: “Yes, I’ve read all of the scrolls. Each and every one.”
Seble: “And you still haven’t won a tournament? Everything you need to win is in there.”
bds9992: “Are you sure? It seems like a lot of information is missing. Have you read my thread on rebounds plus free throws plus shots? I am pretty sure it is the gospel for winning in the SIM.”
Seble: “I have. It is pure nonsense. The FAQ is gospel!”
Lord benhoidal leans over and quietly whispers to Grand Maester Seble. “Actually, he’s right about one thing. The FAQ brings up almost as many questions as it answers.”
Seble points at bds9992: “This traitor dares to question my teachings. I vote guilty!”
Lord robusk: “Lord benhoidal, what say you?”
Lord benhoidal: “bds9992, exactly where were you when the murders took place?”
bds9992: “I was writing my manifesto on cancel culture. Surely all the ravens the other lords sent in response have gotten lost on their way back.”
Lord benhoidal: “You swear before this tribunal to have no knowledge on the deaths of these three lords?”
bds9992: “I do.”
Lord benhoidal: “Hmm… It does seem unlikely that you would be able to defeat them, especially King Kinoa. Nevertheless, I vote guilty.”
bds9992: “Wh.. wh.. what? Why?”
Lord benhoidal: “Well, because you’re beating me in the tournament of course.”
Lord robusk: “Lord Hand, dh555, what say you?”
Lord dh555: “bds9992, did you or did you not send me 34 ravens in the span of an hour’s time asking me to name you as king shortly after King Kinoa died?”
bds9992: “Well, I was kidding. Don’t you guys understand sarcasm? My God.”
Lord dh555: “You have motive, you have proven yourself guilty of SIM malpractice, and now you mock myself and the gods? I vote guilty.”
Lord robusk: “One more guilty vote and you will be sentenced to death.” He looks down the aisle. Lord ashamael is grinning maniacally. “bds9992, I may think you are a terrible lord and absurdly ridiculous with your theories on what is successful in tournaments. I have certainly become convinced you do not understand the difference between correlation and causation. But I admit to finding your riddles charming. I enjoy your tastes in the arts and at one point it could have been said that I liked you more than anyone else in the Savage Lands. I am voting not guilty.”
bds9992: “Hang on. How do we know that it is my theories that are ridiculous and not yours? I mean, wasn’t it you who said that Sir Doncic had more potential than Sir Ayton? Sir Doncic is just a taller version of Sir Harden who has already peaked.”
Lord robusk: “That take is soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. If this is how your brain works, your teams make way more sense to me now. I won't try to use stats with you, because I know you don't understand them.”
bds9992: “Stats? Fighting isn’t done on paper. You can put away your abacus Lord robusk.”
Lord robusk: “Put away my abacus? I’m tempted to switch my vote to guilty just for suggesting such a thing.”
Lord ashamael: “Now hold on. I want to be the final guilty vote. Why don’t we take a five minute recess?”
Lord amerk: “Noooo!”
Lord ashamael: “Well, I mean it is the weekend. I’m sure many of us could use the break.”
Lord amerk: “Frankly, there is less excuse on the weekend. We should be more vigilant than ever.”
Lord robusk: “A five minute recess sounds right. Let’s reconvene in five.”
Lord amerk: “I give up! Nobody ever agrees with me. Let’s just make it a five day break and be done with it. Of course when the mighty Lord assemael or any of the other Kool Lords suggest something everyone is like, ‘Oh man, you’re so right.’ But when I say it, I get called an impatient ***.”
Lord ashamael: “Dude just have some empathy. It’s only a five minute break.”
Lord amerk: I hope you have some empathy for me when I don’t show up for my vote!”
Lord ashamael: “There’s no empathy for you. You’re a piece of ****.”
Lord amerk gets up and looks at Lord robusk: “Don’t expect me back by my vote. I will be attending the festival of the red hats.” He turns to his fellow judges. “Who wants to come with? All but the foreign lords are welcome.” Then he turns and storms out of the throne room, followed by Lord cmcafeeky.
Sir Cheeks approaches bds9992 looking dismal. “Not going well is it? You are going to be found guilty.”
bds9992: “Ha! You think so? Lord ashamael is sure to vote against me, and now with Lord amerk and Lord cmcafeeky gone, there’s no chance left. They were the only two on my side.”
Sir Cheeks: “You are going to need to make a formal plea for mercy and ask to be sent to the wall. Lord robusk has agreed to it. He will spare your life and allow you to join the Night’s Watch.”
bds9992: “Sir Cheeks, you have always been my greatest defender. Thank you.”
Sir Cheeks walks away as the trial reconvenes. Lord ashamael stands and looks at bds9992: “You are an absolute idiot who enters tournaments without all of the information, yet you try to convince others that you alone have cracked the code on how to win. You are a disgrace to this realm.”
Lord robusk: “Er… Lord ashamael, do you have a question for bds9992?”
Lord ashamael: “Umm… Did you kill the king?”
bds9992: “No.”
Lord ashamael: “Look, you can’t come to tournaments, stir up a bunch of drama, make demands of what people can and can’t talk about, cry endlessly, and then make threats. I am so sick of tournaments with you and I am so delighted to vote…”
Bds9992 cuts him off. “I wish to confess. I WISH TO CONFESS!”
Lord robusk: “You wish to confess?”
bds9992: “Yes. I am guilty. Is that what you want to hear?”
Lord robusk: “You admit you poisoned the king?”
bds9992: “No. Of that I am innocent. I am guilty of a far more monstrous crime. Speaking my mind. I tried to make nice with you. I tried to make nice with all of you.”
Lord robusk: “You are not on trial for speaking your mind.”
bds9992: “Oh yes I am. I have been on trial for that since I first came to the SAVAGE LANDS.”
Lord robusk: “Have you nothing to say in your defense?”
bds9992: “Nothing, but this. I did not do it. I did not kill King Kinoa, but I wish I had. I wish I was the monster you think I am. I wish I had enough poison for the whole lot of you. You thought Sir Iggy at point guard was extreme? Were you surprised when I took the Jester Knight, Sir Jokic in the second round? Just wait. Sir Clint at small forward. Sir LeBron at center. Sir Cheeks at the four. You'll never stop me! NEVER!"
The crowd is in an uproar.
bds9992 turns back and stares menacingly at Lord robusk. “I now know I will get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate. I DEMAND TRIAL BY COMBAT!”
Ominous music sounds in the background. Lord robusk and bds9992 stare each other down as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.
9/9/2020 4:29 PM (edited)