BIDEN RELIEVED AFTER LEARNING THE PRESIDENT BEING INDICTED FOR SHADY FINANCIAL DEALINGS IS JUST TRUMP
POLITICS· Mar 30, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Biden claim the elderly politician was initially nervous and worried upon hearing a president was going to be indicted for shady deals and suspect business transactions, but was "relieved" upon learning that it was just a possible misdemeanor allegedly committed by Trump years ago.
"Oh, the president who's being indicted for sleazy deals and financial crimes is - it's Trump? Well, that's a relief!" he told reporters. "Whew! I tell you what folks - say, is Jackie here? Where's Jackie? She said she was gonna be here."
"Well, anyway." He then stared off into space for a while. "Uh, I heard there was gonna be chocolate chip ice cream here. That's why I came. Where's Trump? I'll beat him in a push-up contest right now. When I'm president, he'll be in jail, I'm telling you the truth here. Honest to God, folks."
A Biden aide then stepped in and reiterated how President Biden wasn't worried in the least at banking records and emails showing his and Hunters and the rest of the families involvement in deals involving several questionable transactions involving millions of dollars in Ukraine and China. "And we're not worried about the lap top either" the aide added.
At publishing time, Hunter Biden had called his dad to make sure he was OK but was similarly relieved that the justice system was just going after Trump.
TRUMP USES HIS ONE PHONE CALL TO RING UP RON DeSANTIS AND YELL AT HIM
POLITICS· Mar 31, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

NEW YORK, NY — Family, friends, and legal advisors of President Donald Trump were confused after learning Trump used his one phone call to contact Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and berate him from his location in a New York jail.
"Yeah is this Ron DeSanctimonious?" Trump was heard shouting into the phone while wearing his orange jumpsuit. "Wrong Way Ron — that's who you are! I'm sitting here in jail on completely bogus charges, the Democrats are continuing their disgusting witch hunt, and for that, you're going to pay, Ron! You're going to pay BIGLY! Do you think this makes it easier for you to swoop in and take the nomination? You haven't even announced! SAD!"
Trump is facing multiple charges brought by Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg in a case many legal analysts find highly questionable. Though Trump has loudly voiced his opinion that the charges are politically motivated and an attempt to stop his 2024 presidential campaign, he chose to call DeSantis and chew him out rather than consult with his legal team. "This is the most horrible misuse of authority in the history of the country! Many people are saying so! But you know who I'm mad at? You, Ron! Just wait until they give me back my cell phone and I can start Truthing about you again! MAGA!"
Sources within the Governor's office indicated that, while the call was surprising, DeSantis seemed unflustered. "The Governor has more important things to deal with," said the source. "Like traveling around and campaigning without making any announcements."
At publishing time, with his one phone call already used, Trump was reportedly reacquainting old friendships with many of the J-6 inmates imprisoned and still waiting for their day in court and a hot meal.
POLITICS · MAR 31, 2023 · 117
PELOSI: "WE HAVE TO CONVICT TRUMP ON THE CHARGES TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN THEM"

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi is calling for a quick conviction of Trump so that we can all see what he's being charged with.
"Just like we do with our spending bills, we should convict Donald Trump of these charges right away so that we can see what's in them," said Pelosi. "Trump has many pages of charges that are probably horrible and we just don't have time to read them all. Doing it this way is much more efficient!" Pelosi's statement was then interrupted by her teeth getting stuck in an ice cream bar she was eating.
Sources speculate the list of charges against Trump includes paying hush money to a stripper, colluding with Russia to overthrow the United States government and usher in 1000 years of darkness, and being really yucky and Trump-like. "We don't need a list of charges to know that Trump is guilty of being Trump," said Pelosi. "Let's get this over with already."
At publishing time Manhattan's DA had announced 3,000 additional pages of charges were brought in at 1 AM in the morning.
SCHUMER REMINDS EVERYONE TRUMP IS GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY
POLITICS· Mar 31, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid outrage over former President Trump being indicted for a misdemeanor past the statute of limitations, Democrats have urged citizens to remain calm and let the justice system do its work, reminding everyone that Trump is guilty until proven guilty.
"Our Constitution is clear," said Chuck Schumer in a statement. "The accused is innocent until proven guilty unless the accused is a smelly, no-good, poopyface with orange hair and with the last name of 'Trump.' It says that somewhere in Article something, Section whatever-or-so!"
"No one is above the law!"
Sources say Trump will be fingerprinted, after which a mugshot for 2024 DNC campaign commercials will be taken. After arraignment, the word "GUILTY" will be written on Trump's forehead in Sharpie so he can be paraded through the streets as Democrats throw rotten cabbage at him. Trump will then be counted as guilty until someone, somewhere can find a crime he's guilty of.
"This is how the founders designed our justice system to work," said AOC while pounding nails into a gallows scaffolding on Capitol Hill. "We need to let the process play out."
At publishing time, Manhattan's DA confirmed he was extremely close to finding a real crime.
BUFFALO GUY TAGGED AND RELEASED BACK INTO WILD
U.S.· Mar 30, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After two years in captivity, the QAnon buffalo guy has been tagged and released back into the wild to roam the plains once again.
"Wow... just look at him go. No creature that majestic should be in a cage," said Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene with a tear in her eye. "Run free, Buffalo Guy! You are among your American buffalo brethren once again!"
The news of Buffalo Guy's release has shaken Washington, with Democrat politicians running and hiding in terror upon hearing the news. "This is dangerous! Such a deadly wild animal should have been put down long ago! Who authorized this?" said a terrified Senator Chuck Schumer from under his desk.
Sources say Buffalo Guy is now free due to the release of additional January 6th footage which showed the docile, lovable creature being gently escorted through the Capitol grounds by a team of trained Capitol Police buffalo handlers.
At publishing time, AOC heard the news and died again.